General questions for those whose senior parents divorced

[PandaBear]

I think it is very common a middle aged person take in senior parents when they age and cannot take care of themselves. I can see that this happen after one of them passed away and it is not safe for the other to live alone. What happen if they divorced and they remained single? If they couldn't get along with each other, who gets taken care of?

I always wonder about a cousin of mine, her parents couldn't get along with each others and eventually they separated (they didn't bother divorce as they are already near 80), so she send her dad to a nursing home and took her mom in. It was always difficult for her to keep things fair between them and not make one more jealous than the other.

How do our fellow BITOGers do it? What would we do if say my wife and I divorce and both need long term care and our daughters can only take care of 1 of us?

 

[weaponoffreedom]

be the favorite

 

[BMWTurboDzl]

I think it is very common a middle aged person take in senior parents when they age and cannot take care of themselves. I can see that this happen after one of them passed away and it is not safe for the other to live alone. What happen if they divorced and they remained single? If they couldn't get along with each other, who gets taken care of?

I always wonder about a cousin of mine, her parents couldn't get along with each others and eventually they separated (they didn't bother divorce as they are already near 80), so she send her dad to a nursing home and took her mom in. It was always difficult for her to keep things fair between them and not make one more jealous than the other.

How do our fellow BITOGers do it? What would we do if say my wife and I divorce and both need long term care and our daughters can only take care of 1 of us?

Be their favorite or die early.

Ideally if you have multiple children perhaps each child can take a parent but that's not always possible for a multitude of reasons. Depending on the situation I could see where the healthiest parent lives with family. Not exactly analogous to your question but my mother placed my stepfather in a home for 4 years before he passed. She lived 3 hrs from me and she could not take care of him at home due to the size disparity, he having Parkinson's, onset of dementia, and because he needed 24/7 care.

 

[atikovi]

I think it is very common a middle aged person take in senior parents when they age and cannot take care of themselves.

Encourage medical research that finds cures for diseases of aging, or ideally, aging itself, so they CAN take care of themselves.

 

[twouvakind]

I have two words, actually four maybe five. Independent living or assisted living (facility). Just got relieved from mom living with the wife and I for wasn't willing to adapt to living with others. The (many of them, not all) elderly thrive when living with folks around their age. She could not be happier and more engaged. I need not go down the list of what is at her disposal.

 

[JTK]

IMO, If you're a decent parent, you should never burden your grown (or otherwise) children like this. They've got spouses, kids and lives of their own. Obviously you can't leave them homeless and need to do the right thing, but arrangements need to be made if the above conditions apply.

I'm down with the fact there's cultural differences in regards to this. I also fear if things "progress" the way they are these days, everyone will be packed under one roof.

 

[alarmguy]

IMO, If you're a decent parent, you should never burden your grown (or otherwise) children like this. They've got spouses, kids and lives of their own. Obviously you can't leave them homeless and need to do the right thing, but arrangements need to be made if the above conditions apply.

I'm down with the fact there's cultural differences in regards to this. I also fear if things "progress" the way they are these days, everyone will be packed under one roof.

Agree 100% with the first part, meaning to take into account the true feelings of your kids.

AS far as everyone packed under one roof, strongly disagree. Life has never been more easy in the USA and that is the problem, some people get lazy without survival as a motivation. Being independent was another. Now it's acceptable to have no motivation and acceptable to live under your parents roof for the rest of your life. Meaning live off their hard work so you dont have too. (not you personally! *LOL*)

 

[ATex7239]

My wife’s and my parents are spilt up… our plan, should we have to them in, is to build an in-law house in the backyard, stick them all in it, and let them sort it out…

 

[JeffKeryk]

With medicines today, people are living a lot longer. I cared for my parents for about 30 years. I lived close enough and hired people as necessary. After my Mom died, we figured my Dad would not last long. Well, he made it 10 more years, to 95. He took a bad fall, from drinking when a neighbor came over. I hired a wonderful woman from Tonga as a live in care giver. I warned her my father was not a nice man. She, and I, gave him another good 5 years. My employers gave me total freedom to come and go as necessary which made it possible. I was there every day at lunch for 2 hours to give Mani a break, Wednesday afternoons, and all day Sunday as she was in church all day.

The child becomes the parent. Save your money; you are gonna need it. Mani and I are friends for life; she is an amazing woman.

 

[02SE]

You do what is best for your parents, IMO. Whatever that is, and it varies from situation to situation. I won't go into a long description, except to say my parents needed around the clock care for the last 12 years. I have two older siblings who did little to nothing to help. Both parents passed within the last 3 months. I am relieved to say I have no regrets.

 

[JeffKeryk]

You do what is best for your parents, IMO. Whatever that is, and it varies from situation to situation. I won't go into a long description, except to say my parents needed around the clock care for the last 12 years. I have two older siblings who did little to nothing to help. Both parents passed within the last 3 months. I am relieved to say I have no regrets.

Well done. I can tell you that while others will have regrets, you certainly will not.

 

[alarmguy]

You do what is best for your parents, IMO. Whatever that is, and it varies from situation to situation. I won't go into a long description, except to say my parents needed around the clock care for the last 12 years. I have two older siblings who did little to nothing to help. Both parents passed within the last 3 months. I am relieved to say I have no regrets.

That hit home.
I remember my dad, in spite of his faults he was the one my grandparents could rely on 100% all the time. He was the one that carried the weight of seeing to their care, financially as well while his brothers and sisters did very little to nothing to help.
You should be proud as what you did rubs off on others as what my dad did rubbed off on me to be a better person.

 

[Nick1994]

Children should have no obligation to take care of their parents. If they want to, that's of course fine.

You need to invest in long-term-care insurance.

 

[BMWTurboDzl]

Children should have no obligation to take care of their parents. If they want to, that's of course fine.

You need to invest in long-term-care insurance.

I don't think LTCI is even sold today

 

[GON]

Children should have no obligation to take care of their parents. If they want to, that's of course fine.

You need to invest in long-term-care insurance.

In many, many cultures around the world, children ARE their parent's retirement plan. That is why they have so many children.

 

[PandaBear]

Children should have no obligation to take care of their parents. If they want to, that's of course fine.

You need to invest in long-term-care insurance.

No obligation obviously, but parents can also put up infants for adoptions instead of raising them to adulthood. We probably still have emotional feeling to help take care of elderly parents if they are not capable of taking care of themselves.

My question is, assuming that you do want to take care of them, but they are divorced and couldn't get along, and you want to take care of both of them but can only live with one obviously, what would you do?

 

[PandaBear]

In many, many cultures around the world, children ARE their parent's retirement plan. That is why they have so many children.

The math used to be simpler as there is no upward mobility, and the more children you have the easier you will find someone to take you in, plus the labors to work in the family farmland.

Today as more and more people even in 3rd world move into factory work and service sector, having more children in lower income bracket is likely going to fare worse than focusing on 1 to 2 children and raise them to a better financial stability. In either case you would be lucky to not having to help them out financially till they are middle age, than them paying you to support your retirement.

 

[Nick1994]

No obligation obviously, but parents can also put up infants for adoptions instead of raising them to adulthood. We probably still have emotional feeling to help take care of elderly parents if they are not capable of taking care of themselves.

My question is, assuming that you do want to take care of them, but they are divorced and couldn't get along, and you want to take care of both of them but can only live with one obviously, what would you do?

I think one of them would have to move into an assisted living facility. People's personalities are different and one may be more receptive to the idea, or even simpler is they may be able to afford it.

 

[vavavroom]

A family friend was scheduled to go into assisted living because he was living by himself and because his health was failing at 90. He almost burnt the house down cooking his breakfast eggs. He had begun falling all the time. The facility his out-of-state relatives found for him was one of the less costly ones at $8,000 a month. Ac small room, three meals a day, a nurse and helper available if needed, a 30-minute outing a day is what the place promised. A week before he was supposed to be placed he came down with a heart problem, had surgery, and died a few days later.

 

[KrisZ]

Not in this position yet, but I might be as my parents are divorced.
I would probably lay down the law, my house my rules. They would have to make it work.
That’s what I had to do when I was living under their roof.

However I would never put one in an old folk home and take in the other. That’s just so cruel. In general, the western culture is very cruel to the older people, most seem to want them to just die.