I am getting divorce

[Pablo]

X

 

[zzyzzx]

I am just worried that I would gradually turn into the equivalent of a crazy cat dude,

You write crazy cat dude as if it were a bad thing!

 

[Astro14]

Doing alright. Basically it was a slow drift toward an iceberg and it is finally happening. I don't want to post too much on hate or blame here, and I've done enough with counseling, psychologist, and lawyers to know that I'm actually coming out ok mentally and financially, and have a good custody arrangement, and I'm not in a bad relationship with my ex (she's a good mom just a bad wife) and our kids will have little to no impact. I would say this is the result that most divorcee could dream of and better than in a broken marriage to someone I cannot trust in my life again as a spouse.

So, some serious questions for the wise men and women on BITOG:

1) Assuming I'm practically having an arrangement that's full custody (ex live in walking distance and kids go between us, but prefer to stay with me since I'm actually doing most of the heavy lifting on raising them in the past and will be in the future), the workload will still be about the same as being "married". How do people in situation like me find time for possible future relationship?

2) I'm satisfied being single, I do feel like if I want to date again I would be able to get someone I want. However there may be compatibility match in 2 more dimensions with 2 more kids involved (I have 2, and potential candidates may have either more, want more, or are younger and won't be mature enough to understand), how do people actually deal with this? (I look about 15 years younger than my actual age, even to other people with baby faces I look about 10 years younger).

3) Let's say I find staying single with 2 kids a better choice in my life, and have way to satisfy my need without having to invest in a relationship, my main concern will be if I'll turn into an old sad man as I age without someone I have to negotiate with in life (marriage or live together girlfriend would be about constant negotiation), and loses communication skill, turning into the equivalent of a "crazy". How do people avoid this? Is it worth going through all the dating, relationship, negotiation, etc just to not turn crazy?

4) Financially, I have a good nested egg even after divorce (I actually come out ahead, way ahead, in the divorce), that I can live well and pass down to my kids, and I can spend my time in career, workout, travel, etc. I don't know if guarding it too well is going to work if I were to spend my life with someone else again, and if I do that, it wouldn't make a good future committment. Asset planning would be complicated as $ is always the elephant in the room between step mom / dad's girlfriend vs step children. How do you guys deal with it?

Your questions focus on your own situation, so, I am going to answer them, with the understanding that your first, and most important role is: DAD.

The kids will be impacted, there is no way to avoid that, but the negative effects can be mitigated with a stable, loving, full time parent, you. If you and your soon to be Ex can avoid conflict, that will help the kids.

1. Way too soon to worry about possible future relationships. As the kids get older, they become more autonomous, and an evening off, here and there, for you, becomes possible. But wait. Wait for that workload to stabilize. Wait for your emotions to stabilize. Far too easy to make a mistake on “the rebound” when you are still getting over the divorce. So, wait.

2. See 1. Above. Your situation (divorced dad of a certain age) narrows down the number of potentially interested partners considerably. So, wait. Age isn’t as important as the alignment of their life goals and your situation. I was lucky - Mrs. Astro and I (both on our second marriage) were of the same age, with similar situations, and similar life goals. But she is a rare find, and I encourage you to wait for a great choice, don’t settle for “good enough”.

3. You won’t turn into a sad old man unless you choose to. That is too far in your future to worry about right now. If you’re patient, and the right lady comes along, as in 2. Above you won’t have to worry about the sad old man possibility. Do not let this possibility cause you to rush into something. Wait.

4. Asset planning is a critical question. Depends on the future lady. Because you are financially secure, you are very lucky. You are also very attractive to those your age who have failed to achieve similar security. Beware the “gold digger” Types. For many people, as they hit a certain age, the realization that they have failed to plan for the future strikes, and someone who has planned, and has a secure future, suddenly becomes very, very attractive. Those people can appear to be what you want, but you need to be very wary. Best strategy? Wait. (see a theme, yet?). Do not disclose your financial details, or even situation, until you know that your goals, and hers, are aligned and compatible. Unless you keep quiet about being secure, you will never know if she likes you, or she likes your money. The latter is what should concern you.

So, moving from the particular back to the big picture. Everything you’re worried about is completely normal for a man in your position. So much uncertainty right now, that of course you’re going to worry what the future looks like. But, please, give everything time. Focus on the kids. Let the financial and legal details get settled. Then get used to being full time Dad, and being good at it. Then, and only then, do you start to consider dating. That step is years in your future. The biggest mistake you can make right now is worrying about it, and rushing it.

Many of us have been through this. It is very hard. Stay focused on the most important thing: being a dad. Worry about the rest later.

 

[Urshurak776]

I went through it when I was 25 years old. Had a 1 year old. It was tough, but it was the right call. Did my best to raise my daughter. Dated a little bit for a couple years. Only one of them met my daughter. Met my second wife two years later and eased my daughter into it with her. Been married to second wife for 25 years (26 in April.)

Life goes on, just do your best for nyour kids AND yourself. That's all anyone can do.

Best of luck.

 

[Lepigi]

Divorce can't be an easy thing, but if you feel this is the right choice, go for it. Several of my friends went through divorce. Almost all of them married again. Nobody regrets.
Good luck!

 

[Leo99]

Your questions focus on your own situation, so, I am going to answer them, with the understanding that your first, and most important role is: DAD.

The kids will be impacted, there is no way to avoid that, but the negative effects can be mitigated with a stable, loving, full time parent, you. If you and your soon to be Ex can avoid conflict, that will help the kids.

1. Way too soon to worry about possible future relationships. As the kids get older, they become more autonomous, and an evening off, here and there, for you, becomes possible. But wait. Wait for that workload to stabilize. Wait for your emotions to stabilize. Far too easy to make a mistake on “the rebound” when you are still getting over the divorce. So, wait.

2. See 1. Above. Your situation (divorced dad of a certain age) narrows down the number of potentially interested partners considerably. So, wait. Age isn’t as important as the alignment of their life goals and your situation. I was lucky - Mrs. Astro and I (both on our second marriage) were of the same age, with similar situations, and similar life goals. But she is a rare find, and I encourage you to wait for a great choice, don’t settle for “good enough”.

3. You won’t turn into a sad old man unless you choose to. That is too far in your future to worry about right now. If you’re patient, and the right lady comes along, as in 2. Above you won’t have to worry about the sad old man possibility. Do not let this possibility cause you to rush into something. Wait.

4. Asset planning is a critical question. Depends on the future lady. Because you are financially secure, you are very lucky. You are also very attractive to those your age who have failed to achieve similar security. Beware the “gold digger” Types. For many people, as they hit a certain age, the realization that they have failed to plan for the future strikes, and someone who has planned, and has a secure future, suddenly becomes very, very attractive. Those people can appear to be what you want, but you need to be very wary. Best strategy? Wait. (see a theme, yet?). Do not disclose your financial details, or even situation, until you know that your goals, and hers, are aligned and compatible. Unless you keep quiet about being secure, you will never know if she likes you, or she likes your money. The latter is what should concern you.

So, moving from the particular back to the big picture. Everything you’re worried about is completely normal for a man in your position. So much uncertainty right now, that of course you’re going to worry what the future looks like. But, please, give everything time. Focus on the kids. Let the financial and legal details get settled. Then get used to being full time Dad, and being good at it. Then, and only then, do you start to consider dating. That step is years in your future. The biggest mistake you can make right now is worrying about it, and rushing it.

Many of us have been through this. It is very hard. Stay focused on the most important thing: being a dad. Worry about the rest later.

Great advice. I'll emphasize number 4. I was bankrupt when I got divorced and still attracted a few gold digger types. The gold digger types can smell secure. LOL.

 

[Cujet]

1. Don't date until the kids are grown (18 or so).

My parents divorced when I was 17 or 18, along with some of my friends parents. All of our parents dated and eventually remarried or had steady companions.

As kids, we learned from the dads, who the good women were, who was troublesome, unstable, or difficult. In some ways, the entire situation was rather instructive. My father really said very little, yet I was old enough to get it. A buddies dad gave great advice (he just died a month ago in his mid 90's) . All of us turned out well, avoided many marriage pitfalls, and are quite successful.

 

[Al]

1. Don't date until the kids are grown (18 or so).

Huh??
I would just not get married a second time.

Pretty much every woman at any age are looking for some one to pay for a new roof.

Huh? I woud guess you have issues I thankfully don't have

"Knowing you" for a very long time tells me you have a head on your shoulder. I know you will be fine.
Wish I had something intelligent to add. Obviously I wish you well.

 

[Dave Hess]

4. Asset planning is a critical question. Depends on the future lady. Because you are financially secure, you are very lucky. You are also very attractive to those your age who have failed to achieve similar security. Beware the “gold digger” Types. For many people, as they hit a certain age, the realization that they have failed to plan for the future strikes, and someone who has planned, and has a secure future, suddenly becomes very, very attractive. Those people can appear to be what you want, but you need to be very wary. Best strategy? Wait. (see a theme, yet?). Do not disclose your financial details, or even situation, until you know that your goals, and hers, are aligned and compatible. Unless you keep quiet about being secure, you will never know if she likes you, or she likes your money. The latter is what should concern you.

Great post.

Lots of people that did absolutely nothing to plan for their financial future are looking to hook their wagon to someone that can support them.

I’ve seen it many times.

 

[andrewg]

Huh??
I would just not get married a second time.


Huh? I woud guess you have issues I thankfully don't have

"Knowing you" for a very long time tells me you have a head on your shoulder. I know you will be fine.
Wish I had something intelligent to add. Obviously I wish you well.

After a divorce, and especially the younger the kids are, can be a very difficult time for children. They are emotionally and mentally unprepared to see a parent dating someone other than the former spouse. Ideally, it would be best to wait until the kids are 18 or so. Just my opinion. It's a time to really put your kids first.

 

[Vern_in_IL]

Move and marry an Native American, become Native. Live on reservation. Native law trumps unconstitutional child court. No pay B.S. Heck take the kids with you. The tribe will take care of you.

 

[Patman]

Divorce can't be an easy thing, but if you feel this is the right choice, go for it. Several of my friends went through divorce. Almost all of them married again. Nobody regrets.
Good luck!

I got married a second time after my first divorce, and my second marriage was amazing but unfortunately she just lost those romantic feelings for me and last year we got divorced. But we are still best friends and hang out all the time (she just texted me as I typed this!)
I won't ever get married again though, and I doubt I would ever live with someone again. I do have a girlfriend that I've been with for about a year and half now, but I've already told her that marriage just isn't something I'm interested in again. I feel like it's one of those things "two strikes and you're out" and it's not "third time lucky"

 

[Shannow]

While things are amicable, get everything that you can agree too on paper...then use lawyers to legalise...

Here in Oz, you (can) go to mediation, which is facilitated, and relatively inexpensive...then get lawyers to prepare court orders (Consent Orders), which can then be processed through the courts to become legally binding.

If you are on good terms...do it.

Otherwise, go combative through lawyers, and watch the dollar signs rack up.

My case, she refused mediation three times, and went full blown battle, and they racked up the bills.

(There's a doco, Divorce Incorporated which shows the motivations of the legal system)

 

[D1sc]

I would simply buy a new black corvette. Not just because she hated black corvettes.Because it would get my mind off of her,no happy memories of her in my old black corvette at all. I’m sure there’s something that would cause you to stop thinking and posting about the bad scene you’re exiting. Good Luck the kids are screwed anyway so die happy and broke.