Parenting concerns

[alarmguy]

The OP needs to talk this over with his fiancee. What bothers me is why hasn't she said anything to her son?
Not appropriate behavior but she doesnt "see it" that way?

I think the OP needs to deal with this now. Good news is in 5 years (most likely less) it wont matter as the son will be done with this stuff. Im thinking though, maybe this is more of an issue why the two adults dont seem to be on the same page.

 

[Hall]

Blaming the 13 year old will do nothing to solve your problem. Thats why 13 year olds have parents.

This ! It is almost always a case of "blame the parents". The funniest cases come from local FB pages when a parent brings up how their kid is being bullied by a specific kid (without naming them outright). Too often, the parent of the bully chimes in with their white-trash, garbage-spewing mouth and everyone can see, "well, we know why their kid acts they way they do!!".

 

[ecotourist]

Seems the problem is the lady defends her son who has figured out how to "accidentally" hurt people (like his younger prospective step sister). That's a big problem. A 13 year old boy (even a small 13 year old) could severely injure a 7 year old girl - missing teeth? broken bones? ruptured spleen?

This situation must be resolved, as in my opinion it would be a relationship breaker.

His mother or you or both of you need to have a talk with him and let him know he is not to "play rough" and there will be consequences if he does. And to do that both you and his mother must be in agreement.

 

[JHZR2]

I’m scratching my head a bit regarding how this has only come to a head now, yet apparently the adults are intimate and living together for some amount of time.

To me the steps would have been to figure out how to resolve conflicts or impasses together before shacking up.

It’s also odd that this is coming to a head now, versus far earlier. And that could be because the 7yo is getting more willing to play and be rough with others. But if the 13yo is acting in a malicious manner now, it didn’t happen overnight. So what other signs existed?

I’ll say this - I see my kids (different genders) roughhouse, and generally be playing together despite age differences. Kids don’t always think or make good choices. And that can go for the older as well as the younger. I know even I can play a bit too hard with my oldest and their friends when playing sports. So I see it conceivable that both the young and old child are causes here, and the older lacks the maturity to say no or pull away from the horsing around.

Managing the kids must be a team sport, especially if shacked up.

 

[JimPghPA]

I don't know if this will help, but OK this with the girl your engaged to first and tell her of your concerns.

Boys should be taught at a young age that girls are fragile and can not be rough-up even in a playful way. This will serve the boys well when they are older.

You might even mention to the boy that when he gets older, often there's a chance some of the women around him might be pregnant and not yet showing it, so it's wise to get into the habit now of never treating a girl rough. I once saw a man pull a bar-stool out from behind a woman as she was sitting down, so she fell to the ground. Later I told him that I thought that was one if the dumbest things I had ever seen. What if she was pregnant and not showing yet, and lost her child. I think he realized how dumb he had been.

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There are 2 kinds of punishment that should never get the adult in trouble that I know of.

Ask the offending child how old are you?

After they answer, say one of 3 things:

That was a minor offense you just did. Go sit ( and name a place ) for one minute for each year of your age.

That was a serious offense you just did. Go sit ( and name a place ) for 2 minutes for each year of your age.

That was a very serious offense you just did. Go sit ( and name a place ) for 3 minutes for each year of your age.

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Another thing to keep them in line. If you don't ( behave, stop that right now, or however else you have to tell them to behave properly ), I'm going to go to where you keep your toys, electronic stuff, exc, and I'm going to chose something and give it to charity. And you will never see it again. ( Note, now days cell phones and laptops may have a tracking app installed, so if you go that serious, you have to somehow prevent that from working, such as physically destroy it.)

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I know that both these types of discipline work. OK that you can apply them in advance.

Actually giving their toys to charity usually only has to be done once or twice and they catch on that when you say you will do that you mean it, and they don't know what they will loose so they don't take the chance.

 

[fat biker]

His biological father is actually a kick-ass guy and we have gotten to be quite friendly. These behaviors don't happen with his biological father around because his biological father would not tolerate it for a second.

I would take the boys father aside, explain the problem and ask him to speak to his son, explaining what is and is not acceptable behavior.