I am getting divorce

[Leo99]

One thing that I forget to mention was depression. I was mentally depressed for a few months after separation. I had a FWB/good friend to help me through it.

I dated a bunch of women until one saw the good deep in my and roped me in to be her husband. Been happily, and I mean very happily married, for 21 years now.

 

[PandaBear]

How old are the kids?

10 and 13

 

[Pew]

1) Assuming I'm practically having an arrangement that's full custody (ex live in walking distance and kids go between us, but prefer to stay with me since I'm actually doing most of the heavy lifting on raising them in the past and will be in the future), the workload will still be about the same as being "married". How do people in situation like me find time for possible future relationship?

2) I'm satisfied being single, I do feel like if I want to date again I would be able to get someone I want. However there may be compatibility match in 2 more dimensions with 2 more kids involved (I have 2, and potential candidates may have either more, want more, or are younger and won't be mature enough to understand), how do people actually deal with this? (I look about 15 years younger than my actual age, even to other people with baby faces I look about 10 years younger).

3) Let's say I find staying single with 2 kids a better choice in my life, and have way to satisfy my need without having to invest in a relationship, my main concern will be if I'll turn into an old sad man as I age without someone I have to negotiate with in life (marriage or live together girlfriend would be about constant negotiation), and loses communication skill, turning into the equivalent of a "crazy". How do people avoid this? Is it worth going through all the dating, relationship, negotiation, etc just to not turn crazy?

4) Financially, I have a good nested egg even after divorce (I actually come out ahead, way ahead, in the divorce), that I can live well and pass down to my kids, and I can spend my time in career, workout, travel, etc. I don't know if guarding it too well is going to work if I were to spend my life with someone else again, and if I do that, it wouldn't make a good future committment. Asset planning would be complicated as $ is always the elephant in the room between step mom / dad's girlfriend vs step children. How do you guys deal with it?

I'd like to preface that I'm not/never have and will be married and I have no kids. But I've dated a few divorced mom with kids but they've all started as friends.

1.) Patience. Both of you have your entire own lives that are filled. Enjoy the dating/honeymoon phase and see each other when it's convenient for both of you.

2.) It's that Asian skin. Then the day after out 60th birthday, we wake up and look 100. But I think you two would have to see what each other eventually wants in the long term.

3.) I think only you can answer that. I love my time being single but I understand most can't. I'd just take this time and freedom (in a way) to go out and do bucket list things.

 

[Dave Hess]

Sorry to hear about getting a divorce. It’s better for you in the long run.

Ive met waaaaaay too many married people in an unhappy loveless marriage that stayed together until they died.

 

[Jdeere562]

For everyone, it is the friend you should marry, not just a lover. You did things together, fishing, you probably talked about everything. I say go after her now.

I'll be 69 years old this Sunday. Too old to be chasing women that live in WA, and I'm in IA.
Other than that, we do talk on the phone and I love her very much as a friend. I just can't pursue it at this point in my life.

 

[JHZR2]

We work well as coparents. There are problems and I'll stop right there but it is obviously not a perfect situation. I have consulted psychologist on how to work with the situation and this generation of kids, with so many divorced parents, seem to take things ok if the parents are respectful to each other and mature.

I think I remember some forms in California on how the parents can file to force the others on NOT trash talking their exs. I don't think I will do that, but if my ex do that there're things a court can force her not to do. I'll also have my lawyer to remind her and her lawyer not to do that.

I don’t have any experience with divorce, nor does my wife. We are lucky enough to have successfully married parents on both sides, and divorce isn’t a thing in either of our families.

The one thing that came to my mind right away is the epidemic of fatherless households. And the situation of custody where the kids get shuffled to the father just for the weekend, so the mother can go out and fool around with men (seeing it with a family in one of my children’s class). It seems that you’re avoiding that. Parents available, working together, engaged in the kids life. That’s good, until it isn’t. Here’s to hoping you can keep it worked out well.

Every person I know who came from a divorced home has baggage. You will cause baggage, maybe worse. One of my closest friends lived in a semi-dysfunctional household for a long time. The mother finally got the courage to leave when he was in college. His post college activities weren’t dangerous or self-harming, ut he did “rebel” in his own way. Even at that age. Now imagine a tween or teen?!? So be careful. Support them. They’ll probably come out well in the end but there may be bumps.

As for getting your jollies, I suspect there’s enough opportunity for whatever you’re looking for, and enough “free thinking” in the Bay Area/Silicon Valley for you to figure it out. I don’t think personally, as a child I would have taken it well to see new relationships forming. So Id keep it out of sight of the kids, I think. But I’m no expert…

Good luck…

 

[PandaBear]

I don’t have any experience with divorce, nor does my wife. We are lucky enough to have successfully married parents on both sides, and divorce isn’t a thing in either of our families.

The one thing that came to my mind right away is the epidemic of fatherless households. And the situation of custody where the kids get shuffled to the father just for the weekend, so the mother can go out and fool around with men (seeing it with a family in one of my children’s class). It seems that you’re avoiding that. Parents available, working together, engaged in the kids life. That’s good, until it isn’t. Here’s to hoping you can keep it worked out well.

Every person I know who came from a divorced home has baggage. You will cause baggage, maybe worse. One of my closest friends lived in a semi-dysfunctional household for a long time. The mother finally got the courage to leave when he was in college. His post college activities weren’t dangerous or self-harming, ut he did “rebel” in his own way. Even at that age. Now imagine a tween or teen?!? So be careful. Support them. They’ll probably come out well in the end but there may be bumps.

As for getting your jollies, I suspect there’s enough opportunity for whatever you’re looking for, and enough “free thinking” in the Bay Area/Silicon Valley for you to figure it out. I don’t think personally, as a child I would have taken it well to see new relationships forming. So Id keep it out of sight of the kids, I think. But I’m no expert…

Good luck…

I have considered all of your scenarios. It has been a very difficult year for me to come to term of things, assess what collateral damages there could be, and mental tolls I will be getting in each possible scenarios. I would say after probably 5 psychology books and maybe 4 months of psychologist, the current choice I have is the least damaging one I have to my kids and myself.

There are more to life than romance (and I have choices). I am able to do a lot without a wife, and in a way it is some peace of mind I finally gain back. I am being very careful about being the parent who my daughters would look up to, and make sure they won't have daddy issues when they grow up.

So, basically, as long as I can make sure I won't turn into a crazy sad old man (and make my daughters worried that I am too clingy to them), I am going to be happy with not having a relationship.

 

[Lubener]

It's a personal matter and should not be shared online with others who have no idea about the situation or your personal life. Suggest writing to Dear Abbey.

 

[4WD]

10 and 13

Parents tend to taxi the kids more and more at those ages - agree to other posts on a schedule even if it’s not 50/50 …
(some do WE’s only etc) …
Future relationships for both of you can - and will change things even if that‘s hard to imagine now …

 

[demarpaint]

10 and 13

At that age it is going to be tough on the kids, especially if Mom fills their heads with nonsense, or tries. I wish you the very best, good luck.

 

[Dave Hess]

Divorce should be illegal.

? ? ? ?

 

[PontiacHO]

Make those children your number one priority. They do and will need every bit of love and support you and your ex can give. If you’re already thinking of “dating” (selfish) you need some professional support also. Every adult that has issues of any kind can be traced back to their childhood. You posted on an open forum for oil and automotive topics so you get what you get…. Even that’s strange in my opinion.

 

[cptbarkey]

Make those children your number one priority. They do and will need every bit of love and support you and your ex can give. If you’re already thinking of “dating” (selfish) you need some professional support also. Every adult that has issues of any kind can be traced back to their childhood. You posted on an open forum for oil and automotive topics so you get what you get…. Even that’s strange in my opinion.

This 100x. The first paragraph from OP tried to justify this nonsense post, and the dismissive attitude that “children won’t be affected.” Children are absolutely the victims in this situation.

Hogwash on both ends. Get more help OP, fast.

 

[Pew]

I'm not sure why everyone thinks children will be the victim. If both parents are on the same page and respect each other's rules and disciplines, then there won't be an issue. Only time I've seen issues is when the parents use the kids against each other.

 

[Pablo]

I'm not sure why everyone thinks children will be the victim. If both parents are on the same page and respect each other's rules and disciplines, then there won't be an issue. Only time I've seen issues is when the parents use the kids against each other.

Not true. I don't want to get too deep. I'll just say some kids do fine, some kids not so much.

 

[JTK]

10 and 13

Sorry it worked out that way for you @PandaBear Divorce is no good for kids, neither are married parents behaving badly. No one wins really..

You've only got 8yrs before they're both 18 and hopefully onward and upward for them.

Sorry if it's been mentioned, but also be aware that any women you may decide to have a relationship with going forward, if she has kids, those kids are always going to come first. Not you. If you want it to work, you have to come to terms with that.

 

[JTK]

Not true. I don't want to get too deep. I'll just say some kids do fine, so not so much.

Amen. Statistics say that the majority don't do well.

 

[cptbarkey]

I'm not sure why everyone thinks children will be the victim. If both parents are on the same page and respect each other's rules and disciplines, then there won't be an issue. Only time I've seen issues is when the parents use the kids against each other.

You probably lived a great childhood with loving parents.

Mine were alcoholics and threatened to divorce constantly. A child remembers and sees things the parents are oblivious too (again see the original post.) Also, take a gander at the alcoholics anonymous book sometime. Its not just for alcoholics.

 

[wpod]

Hypergamy. Chris Rock (Comedian) was joking around about dating in his 40's-50's. He joked that women in his age group were looking for someone to pay for a new roof on their house.

Pretty much every woman at any age are looking for some one to pay for a new roof.

 

[Pew]

Not true. I don't want to get too deep. I'll just say some kids do fine, so not so much.

I shouldn't have generalized. Most of my friends (and me included) have 'baggage' that stemmed from the reasons of the divorce and not the divorce itself. Things like physical abuse, arguing/yelling, and the general instability; drugs and alcohol if included. We were all ecstatic when the abusive parent left. Luckily the children in this case have good parents.

@PandaBear the biggest thing I've come across dating single moms are the kids feeling like a parent favors one of them over the other and a rift occurs.

You probably lived a great childhood with loving parents.

Mine were alcoholics and threatened to divorce constantly. A child remembers and sees things the parents are oblivious too (again see the original post.) Also, take a gander at the alcoholics anonymous book sometime. Its not just for alcoholics.

Negative. My dad was extremely abusive. My mom was too while they were married. Us kids were extremely relieved when they separated. No alcohol or drugs involved though. There was a "do you have a deadbeat dad" topic a couple years ago on this forum where I posted my experiences.