I am getting divorce

[UncleDave]

My parents divorced changed nothing for me.

They were separated for years before they got divorced so nothing really changed for us when the paper got filed.

When they were together all they did was argue into the night endlessly.

 

[alarmguy]

Stick to step #1 and #2 in your post, you are getting WAY ahead of yourself in #3 and #4. Forget that part, those answers will come to you down the road. Dont look to the sides, only look at the light at the end of the tunnel.

(Now that the OP got to read my personal story and sincere reply, I deleted the rest as to not have a permanent record on BITOG with no way to remove once the edit button goes away)

Based on his OP, I can tell he has the right priorities in mind. Been there done that. Wish him the best but I do wish to say in his drive to make things as best he can for his kids, he also has to remember to take care of himself and his happiness too for that will also transfer/benefit the kids when all are happy.

 

[SammyChevelleTypeS3]

A buddy with three kids.... one just graduated college, had one in college and one right out of high school came home from work
one day and the wife dropped the bomb. She was done doing her "duty" she said. She stayed to raise the kids. Now they were out
of school and she had just inherited a pot of gold from her deceased mom. So... good-bye said it all. He said she refused to discuss
or even fight. It was DONE. They worked it out thru lawyers and after 25-30 years she was gone. Even left him the house and they only settled the bank accounts. He was devestated for about 3-4 years. I helped him out of his funk. He now tells me after 10 years, he has
never been so happy ALONE! He said "hell, man I AM my own BOSS now! I answer to NO ONE!" He is truly happy as a pig in slop. He
dates when he wants (very little and careful) with zero strings attatched. Everyone is different, some enjoy being alone and like that.

 

[PandaBear]

So for those who are uncomfortable with my posts, here are my responses and I'll only say this once.

I file because of some very unacceptable behaviors of my ex. We basically got kicked out of counseling on the first visit because of her behavior and trait, and the counselor basically suggested divorce almost immediately. My psychologist told me she is doing a minor mental abuse on me. We get along well and don't fight in front of kids, we don't bad mouth each other. The kids don't know what she did because I know kids' image of self is based on their perception of their parents until they grow up. So I will let them know eventually when they are grown up (maybe 18, maybe 20, but definitely when they are finally adult at the earliest).

I honestly don't know if I want to waste time on another woman at the moment. I have enough on my plate so I don't want to deal with screen out the crazy ones, worrying if I favor her over my kids, whether I have to deal with her kids, and whether this will be another financial and emotional drain. Hence the questions. I am not divorcing because I want to meet other women (on the contrary I am relieved I don't have to deal with ANY woman romantically).

I am just worried that I would gradually turn into the equivalent of a crazy cat dude, and that would impact my relationship with my kids later on in life (i.e. them feeling like dad is too clingy because he is all alone). Career, travel, hobbies, workout in the gym, tutoring kids, etc are enough on my plates.

 

[SammyChevelleTypeS3]

So for those who are uncomfortable with my posts, here are my responses and I'll only say this once.

I file because of some very unacceptable behaviors of my ex. We basically got kicked out of counseling on the first visit because of her behavior and trait, and the counselor basically suggested divorce almost immediately. My psychologist told me she is doing a minor mental abuse on me. We get along well and don't fight in front of kids, we don't bad mouth each other. The kids don't know what she did because I know kids' image of self is based on their perception of their parents until they grow up. So I will let them know eventually when they are grown up (maybe 18, maybe 20, but definitely when they are finally adult at the earliest).

I honestly don't know if I want to waste time on another woman at the moment. I have enough on my plate so I don't want to deal with screen out the crazy ones, worrying if I favor her over my kids, whether I have to deal with her kids, and whether this will be another financial and emotional drain. Hence the questions. I am not divorcing because I want to meet other women (on the contrary I am relieved I don't have to deal with ANY woman romantically).

I am just worried that I would gradually turn into the equivalent of a crazy cat dude, and that would impact my relationship with my kids later on in life (i.e. them feeling like dad is too clingy because he is all alone). Career, travel, hobbies, workout in the gym, tutoring kids, etc are enough on my plates.

YOU can stop yourself from turning into that fear if you want to. Your kids will be of great help and you will actually "find" who you truly are once you are out of the influence of somone you want no longer in your life. You said she is not the best for you. I am not going to lie to you but it will take time for you to re-emerge with the new personal life you deserve. Go for it and grab it and enjoy your freedom. If you need another mate you will find the right one now that you know what is right for you. Good luck man.

 

[PandaBear]

@PandaBear the biggest thing I've come across dating single moms are the kids feeling like a parent favors one of them over the other and a rift occurs.

One of my friend grew up in this scenario. His relationship with his dad (full custody due to immigration reason) turn 180 from being the closest thing to being a rift because his dad always took his new gf's side, and didn't support him during college financially and he had to live off credit card debt and part time job. I am fully aware of that and that's the main reason of my concerns and post here.

This rift turn into hates when he became a dad himself and realized what his dad did was not appropriate when he was growing up, and no longer talk to his dad since 15 years ago, and never let his dad see the grandchild.

 

[vavavroom]

Come to think of it, raising girls would have driven me very likely crazy. The prospect of vetting boyfriends and living in fear of being made a grandpa in my 30's or even 40s would have given me restless nights. With a boy that was a bit less of a problem, although I did casually and jokingly? mention disavowal and disownment during relevant discussions. On the other hand, with two girls there's no risk of ending up lonely. Think of all the grandkids!

 

[Pablo]

Come to think of it, raising girls would have driven me very likely crazy. The prospect of vetting boyfriends and living in fear of being made a grandpa in my 30's or even 40s would have given me restless nights. ................

no comment

 

[vavavroom]

For what it's worth I'm still fearful. Once I hit 50 in a couple of years I won't care. Life will be downhill from then on and coasting downhill is effortless.

 

[JTK]

Come to think of it, raising girls would have driven me very likely crazy. The prospect of vetting boyfriends and living in fear of being made a grandpa in my 30's or even 40s would have given me restless nights. With a boy that was a bit less of a problem, although I did casually and jokingly? mention disavowal and disownment during relevant discussions. On the other hand, with two girls there's no risk of ending up lonely. Think of all the grandkids!

I would have thought that too, but my oldest of 4 children, my daughter (now 22), was the easiest of my kids to raise. She's tough enough with 3 younger brothers, I fear for her boyfriend. My boys, especially the older two were an absolute handful.

 

[ripcord]

For what it's worth I'm still fearful. Once I hit 50 in a couple of years I won't care. Life will be downhill from then on and coasting downhill is effortless.

Don't count in not caring about things after 50. You'll still care plus things that were easy to ignore get more irritating as time goes by.

 

[vavavroom]

Don't count in not caring about things after 50. You'll still care plus things that were easy to ignore get more irritating as time goes by.

Hopefully, cognitive dissonance will set in and dull perception to a pleasant humming sound.

 

[Number_35]

@PandaBear, I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you're handling it as well as possible.

I have no personal experience, but have seen a friend take the high road, refusing to badmouth his manipulative ex-wife, so as not to use his daughter as a pawn.

Best wishes to you as you navigate this.

 

[Number_35]

You will have to make some decisions, set priorities, and make some changes. While I never got a divorce my wife died in an accident in 2013. Our son was 12 at the time. I raised him with some help from others. He spent a good amount of time with his grandparents who luckily lived nearby and I hired a helper for the house who would take care of some of the shopping, and cleaning, allowing me more time to spend with my son. Until that point, my job had involved a good amount of travel. Sometimes I would be away from home for a couple of weeks. I made changes and started working one day, and later two days less per week and I didn't have to travel as much any longer. Over the following years, I had a few lady friends but I did not involve them in my personal life by bringing them home. When my son was 15 he casually mentioned I should be dating but I think this was his way of telling me he had a girlfriend. I officially started dating only once my son had gone off to college and I got married again last year. My son refers to his stepmom as his "bigger sister." He is 22 and she looks not much older. She's over 30, I swear!

So sorry you went through the loss of your wife. Glad you've come through the grief OK.

 

[Leo99]

So for those who are uncomfortable with my posts, here are my responses and I'll only say this once.

I file because of some very unacceptable behaviors of my ex. We basically got kicked out of counseling on the first visit because of her behavior and trait, and the counselor basically suggested divorce almost immediately. My psychologist told me she is doing a minor mental abuse on me. We get along well and don't fight in front of kids, we don't bad mouth each other. The kids don't know what she did because I know kids' image of self is based on their perception of their parents until they grow up. So I will let them know eventually when they are grown up (maybe 18, maybe 20, but definitely when they are finally adult at the earliest).

I honestly don't know if I want to waste time on another woman at the moment. I have enough on my plate so I don't want to deal with screen out the crazy ones, worrying if I favor her over my kids, whether I have to deal with her kids, and whether this will be another financial and emotional drain. Hence the questions. I am not divorcing because I want to meet other women (on the contrary I am relieved I don't have to deal with ANY woman romantically).

I am just worried that I would gradually turn into the equivalent of a crazy cat dude, and that would impact my relationship with my kids later on in life (i.e. them feeling like dad is too clingy because he is all alone). Career, travel, hobbies, workout in the gym, tutoring kids, etc are enough on my plates.

I've had this discussion with my wife but she doesn't really understand. She sees me on much higher pedestal than I deserve. Without her, I'd drink a lot more, smoke a lot of weed, and spend money running around with promiscuous women.

 

[Dave Sherman]

Sorry to hear. Been there, done that. #1 decided after 9 months that marriage wasn't for her (long story). Thought I was ready to date again, met someone who was not right at all and just about turned me off of dating completely. Was about ready to throw in the towel, but got acquainted with a friend of a friend going who was going through a divorce, and it turns out we had divorced for similar reasons. I think there's some truth to the idea that the right one comes along when you least expect it, because we'll be celebrating our 7th anniversary later this year.

Keep your chin up, divorce sucks. Have faith though, don't let it sour your future relationships.

 

[vavavroom]

So sorry you went through the loss of your wife. Glad you've come through the grief OK.

One day here, gone the next. Difficult even though life goes on. You don't know what you have until it's gone.

 

[SammyChevelleTypeS3]

I've had this discussion with my wife but she doesn't really understand. She sees me on much higher pedestal than I deserve. Without her, I'd drink a lot more, smoke a lot of weed, and spend money running around with promiscuous women.

I get it. Before I met the wife of (45) years I was headed down a real dark and pretty much one way path of self destruction. Drinking way too much and gambling were just two of the many very poor choices I was making. Once I met her, she made me realize there was a lot more to life than just money , fun and selfishness. Who knows how / where I would have ended up without her in my life. She taught me to care for and to help anyone I could.

 

[Number_35]

One day here, gone the next. Difficult even though life goes on. You don't know what you have until it's gone.

So true

 

[zzyzzx]

Congrats on the divorce!