How did you *decide on* your wife?

[Vilan]

In honor of the similar recently-revived thread...

I'm looking to propose to my girlfriend next weekend (it's her birthday). She's an awesome girl, but part of me is just scared poopless. I've lived at home all my life, and the thought of mortgages and kids is enough to send me running for the hills. She's been nudging me about it for a while and she won't wait much longer. Honestly, I've dragged it out long enough already. I don't want to miss my chance, but... boy howdy. I don't know how anyone does it. Any words of wisdom from the newly or not-so-newly weds?

 

[05ChevyI5]

Don't do it.

 

[Brett Miller]

If you truly think she is the one, go for it.

 

[gathermewool]

Personally, I'd have to live with some one for a year+ before I decided to marry a girl. I'm not married, and may die lonely and old, so take with a grain of salt. haha

A life time is a long time, and planning/time taken to think about something so important should take into account the magnitude of the decision.

 

[Gary Allan]

Well, hmmmm, I don't think I was the one deciding. Once a woman has her cross hairs on you ..there really isn't much you can do. You'll crack eventually.

Something akin to the Sirens of Titan thing.

 

[Bluestream]

I was married for 18 years, and now single for 5 years. I have some advice for anyone looking to get married:

At some point your relationship will come down to dollars and cents. If she has more assets than you get married.

 

[JTK]

Yep. Pretty much what Gary said. (yes dear.. I'll be off the computer in a minute)

 

[gathermewool]

Originally Posted By: Gary Allan
Well, hmmmm, I don't think I was the one deciding. Once a woman has her cross hairs on you ..there really isn't much you can do. You'll crack eventually.

Something akin to the Sirens of Titan thing.


I've been keeping up on my supply of wax

 

[brandini]

You should have no question.

Try moving in first.

 

[MolaKule]

What do you have in common or NOT have in common such as in the arena of religion, politics, family, in-laws, etc?

What is your life philosophy or world views; do you each have similar or very different views toward such things?

Having said all that, I met my prospective wife at a church watermelon supper. (Yes, you heard that right). I was a pest and wouldn't let any of my guy firends get near her.

She was a friend of a friend.

During dating, We did find that we had very similar views on all the above, so I rated her a 9.5.

I proposed 3 months later, but got married 3 years later because of her having to finish her education.

She was worth the wait.

She still thinks I'm a pest.

 

[97f150]

Happened for me a lot like it did for Gary.

 

[suspiciousmind]

We were spending so much time together, nothing else made sense...33 years later, nothing else makes sense.

 

[JHZR2]

Make sure you share the same outlook, goals and work ethic. This is critical. Some things may not be eye to eye, but make sure they are at least close enough...

Beyond that, yes, it is just plain scary. You just need to get up the nerve and do it...

Good luck!

 

[nstuck]

Originally Posted By: Bluestream
I was married for 18 years, and now single for 5 years. I have some advice for anyone looking to get married:

At some point your relationship will come down to dollars and cents. If she has more assets than you get married.


what if neither of you have anything?

 

[andrewg]

Vilan,
From your post it honestly sounds like you just aren't ready yet. It isn't about 'missing a chance'. Plenty of women are out there. If this was the truly right one for you, you wouldn't be 'pooping' yourself at the prospect of an ENTIRE LIFE with her now would you? Kids, mortgage, her family, vacations, stress, bills....yep, your life will change BIG TIME. If you've never dated many other ladies I say let her go and move on. But ya know....if you really love her and are willing to sacrifice for her......? Well, get married then. Either way don't waste her time or yours.

 

[TooManyWheels]

I have to second the post above, in my opinion he really "nails it".

Whatever you do, don't get married because you think time is running out, or because you think she is "good enough" because, after all, "marriage isn't supposed to be a cake walk."

The criteria should be "would it put a knife through my heart if this woman got away" and "is this woman so incredible, special and rare" that I would never find anyone else remotely like her".

I did not use those criteria, and am regretting it.

Although lack of years and experience makes some of the things in front of you seem daunting, the prospect of spending a lifetime with your potential mate should not be one of them.

 

[greenaccord02]

Originally Posted By: Vilan
In honor of the similar recently-revived thread...

I'm looking to propose to my girlfriend next weekend (it's her birthday). She's an awesome girl, but part of me is just scared poopless. I've lived at home all my life, and the thought of mortgages and kids is enough to send me running for the hills. She's been nudging me about it for a while and she won't wait much longer. Honestly, I've dragged it out long enough already. I don't want to miss my chance, but... boy howdy. I don't know how anyone does it. Any words of wisdom from the newly or not-so-newly weds?


I've been married two years, and I was engaged six months before that so this is still somewhat fresh in my mind.

I dated my wife for almost 6 years before proposing so when I asked her it wasn't a very scary thing. We were good friends so aside from a few deep breaths before hand everything was comfortable. You just have to tell yourself "I am going to do this now."

You're scared of Mortgages and Kids? Fine, so don't have them. You can rent and be childless. It's perfectly acceptable. Maybe after a few years you can buy a house and have a kid or two, but having a ring on your finger doesn't tie you down to a 30 year mortgage and a newborn.

Best of luck. You already know she'll say yes so just slap yourself in the face a couple of times and man up!

 

[river_rat]

Marry yout best friend. If you aren't on the same team, forget it.
You want it to be mutual, unconditonal support...kind of an "us against the world thing." Not a critiquing or trying to change each other thing.

 

[rationull]

My wife and I lived together for IIRC 3 years or so before we got married -- one year with friends in a shared/college house and two years on our own after that. Over some time the thought basically turned from "if" to "when" we would get married. We eventually decided specifically to get married, essentially, for practical reasons related to school, work, and health insurance (as unromantic as that sounds).

I guess what I'm saying is that in my case at least, it just felt right and naturally progressed to that point. I have to agree with Molakule strongly, too. There will be good times and bad, hard times and (hopefully) easy ones. This has to be a person you will be able to live with when you're having a hard time and when she is. Having core views in common I think makes that easier. Money/spending is a big one.

 

[L_Sludger]

if you have to ask?