Thinking about leaving the GF

[Lolvoguy]

After being with the same lovely woman for the past 12 years, I think I'm ready to take the next step and find someone new who I plan on marrying. Kids are totally a concern too.

We started dating back in University when I was 21 and she was 20. She treated me better (and continues to) than anyone I've ever been with (mind you, she's my 2nd REAL girlfriend...the only one I've ever lived with too). I honestly love her and we have a great time together, but I'm just not really attracted to her...haven't really been for years, but I truly loved her for her personality and how she makes me feel.

we tried getting married once, but that failed. We called off the engagement, and decided that since we both love each other and just dont' really want to get "married", that we'd just keep things as they were. Worked for a while, but I feel like I'm getting older and my priorities are changing. She strongly doesn't want kids ...ever. She's been clear on that point for the past 12 years, and has never changed. I respect her for that.

I'm not looking for crazy, mad, lustfull romance, just feel like I wanna get married and have some kids. No longer have I been chasing the dream of becoming a big Hollywood actor, or singer. Sure I still enjoy doing those things as a hobby, but I'm more realistic about what I can do and where I am.

I just feel that if I don't take this chance now, when I'm still relatively attractive and can easily raise some kids etc. I'll end up regretting it the rest of my life.

Any input?

 

[andrewg]

Then go do it. Tell her you are breaking up because you don't find her attractive anymore AND you want children.
Pretty simple, right?
Honesty is best here....unless you aren't being honest with yourself. If you are....then tell her the gospel and get going with your life.

 

[FowVay]

Understand that there is a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone.

If you're not feeling that you're in love with the girl then don't drag things out. Keep her in mind also. You are both in your 30's now and her biological clock is ticking. If you're not going to marry her and start a family then don't keep her from moving on and starting a family with someone else.

Good luck to both of you. A committed relationship is probably the most important thing you're ever going to encounter in your life.

edit: my wife and I just celebrated our 21st anniversary last week. We've been together in life 25 years - more than half the time I've been walking this earth. Find a good one and keep her!

 

[Donald]

If you do not have kids, then who will pick your nursing home?

 

[A_Harman]

You want kids, she doesn't.
That kind of pounds the last nail in the coffin of that relationship, doesn't it?

 

[Lolvoguy]

Originally Posted By: FowVay
Understand that there is a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone.


please explain

and congrats as well

Originally Posted By: FowVay

Good luck to both of you. A committed relationship is probably the most important thing you're ever going to encounter in your life.


Ya see, we both realize this, and is why I have been with her for so long. We do things and live a life of lots of laughter, fun, exercise, trips and all the fun things that many others only wish for. She also supports me in many of my crazy endeavours, which have made me a better person.

Such a tough call...

 

[user52165]

Originally Posted By: Lolvoguy
Originally Posted By: FowVay
Understand that there is a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone.


please explain

and congrats as well

That axiom has been around a long time and very valid. I assume you are not married?

 

[Lolvoguy]

Originally Posted By: user52165
Originally Posted By: Lolvoguy
Originally Posted By: FowVay
Understand that there is a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone.


please explain

and congrats as well

That axiom has been around a long time and very valid. I assume you are not married?


As mentioned in the original post nope, never been married

 

[JHZR2]

Attraction is important. You'll both get old, grey and ugly most likely, but you want to still think she is beautiful and she needs to know that as well.

Kids are a major issue here. You want them, she doesn't. You can be old and make a baby, the woman has ever greater chance of complications. But you won't necessarily pick up a younger woman in a committed (non-gold digger) basis as easily (does it happen, absolutely).

So you're 33 it sounds like, my age. I have a few friends still not married, male and female. None of my group has been divorced, but at some point there will also be divorced women with kids which may also be an interesting move - those kids may yearn for a father figure and you'll be able to have kids of your own too. Not advocating any specific move, just stating the obvious.

But now is the time to move on if kids are that important to you. Soon you'll be to the point where any single women will be high risk if they're the same age as you, and you'll be getting older to pick up the younger women, at least as I see it.

I'm sure there are plenty of older guys who married much younger women, but you'll need to think about if that's ok for you... Also how old YOU want to be when you hit your kids' milestones like hs/college, their babies being born, etc. honestly though people are waiting longer (which I think within reason is a good thing), and living longer, IMO there's an importance to have a good cross section of your active life aligned with your kids so you're not too old when lots of fun things happen, and you can enjoy kids and great grand kids.

 

[zzyzzx]

I think you are the one who is crazy for wanting kids.

 

[Vikas]

This story is very typical except for the gender reversal!

 

[Lolvoguy]

Originally Posted By: zzyzzx
I think you are the one who is crazy for wanting kids.


At times, I think I'd have to agree with this statement

 

[Lolvoguy]

Originally Posted By: Vikas
This story is very typical except for the gender reversal!


FWIW, there are many things that are "gender reversal" in our relationship. Just being honest

 

[pottymouth]

Originally Posted By: A_Harman
You want kids, she doesn't.
That kind of pounds the last nail in the coffin of that relationship, doesn't it?


I would say this fact makes every other reason irrelevant.

Beware that she may capitulate and agree to have kids to prevent losing you. The last thing in the world you want is to have a child with a reluctant mother.

 

[andrewg]

Still....what is wrong about telling her what you've just told a bunch of freaky oil-interested strangers on the internet? Are you afraid of hurting her? That's understandable, but from what you've told us strangers here, you aren't attracted to her anymore and she doesn't want kids. So why don't you tell her what you've told us?
Sometimes you need to make tough decisions in life, and people WILL get hurt. But what is the alternative? Isn't it worse? Don't YOU deserve what you want out of life? I would suggest sitting her down, and kindly telling her the truth about what is on your mind and what you want out of life. Not really a big deal when you think about it.

 

[ARCOgraphite]

So your just gonna find some other GF who wants to have kids and you will fall in love with? Aint easy; more a "Once or twice in a Lifetime" thing.

 

[Quattro Pete]

Originally Posted By: ARCOgraphite
So your just gonna find some other GF who wants to have kids and you will fall in love with? Aint easy; more a "Once or twice in a Lifetime" thing.

What are you saying? He shouldn't even try to find what he really wants and instead should just stay unhappy?

 

[javacontour]

Peep here https://bobistheoilguy.com/forums/ubbthreads.php/topics/3349160/Re:_Women!_And_the_nice_guy#Post3349160

Also, as to the love you, but not in love with you. English has one word for love. Other languages have more than one word. We say we love pizza, our wives, our kids, our brother or sister, and hoarding motor oil.

But are those really the same love?

I'd say no.

http://typesoflove.org/four-types-of-love-greek-style/

So you might love her in the sense that you wish the best for her. You would call that Philia in Greek.

What you suggest you are missing is eros, or that passionate romantic love.

So you might love her, but not have a passionate, romantic desire for her.

Clear?

 

[Eddie]

Sounds like you've sucked everything you can for 12 years and now you want a new plaything and are using the "No kids" as the excuse to split.

 

[Papa Bear]

Originally Posted By: Lolvoguy
After being with the same lovely woman for the past 12 years, I think I'm ready to take the next step and find someone new who I plan on marrying. Kids are totally a concern too.

We started dating back in University when I was 21 and she was 20. She treated me better (and continues to) than anyone I've ever been with (mind you, she's my 2nd REAL girlfriend...the only one I've ever lived with too). I honestly love her and we have a great time together, but I'm just not really attracted to her...haven't really been for years, but I truly loved her for her personality and how she makes me feel.

we tried getting married once, but that failed. We called off the engagement, and decided that since we both love each other and just dont' really want to get "married", that we'd just keep things as they were. Worked for a while, but I feel like I'm getting older and my priorities are changing. She strongly doesn't want kids ...ever. She's been clear on that point for the past 12 years, and has never changed. I respect her for that.

I'm not looking for crazy, mad, lustfull romance, just feel like I wanna get married and have some kids. No longer have I been chasing the dream of becoming a big Hollywood actor, or singer. Sure I still enjoy doing those things as a hobby, but I'm more realistic about what I can do and where I am.

I just feel that if I don't take this chance now, when I'm still relatively attractive and can easily raise some kids etc. I'll end up regretting it the rest of my life.

Any input?



Why have you hung around with a girl that you know doesn't want kids .. and a girl that you say you aren't really attracted to ... for 12 friggin' years ??!!

I'm not sure you know what you want... I'm not sure you will ever be satisfied.

Once you have a child you don't get a do-over because you are bored.
What is your 12 yr "girlfriend" going to say when you tell her you're leaving?

It sounds like you are right about where you should be.

All the best.

Bob