Death of spouse ....

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151
My best friend from high school wife died a few months ago....Like me his wife was several years older than him.
He was/is asking me since my wife died almost three years now does it get any easier....i told him everybody is different ...for me no.
No matter what anybody says to you will not make you feel any better....to me anyway it didn't...
for me after about 18-20 months the worst was people who mean well telling you "you will get over it and move on"
I hated that and still do more than anything....plus the people trying to "set you up" with somebody else.
I finally told one women i know ....i thank you for thinking of me but really im not interested.
He is lucky he has 2 grown daughters and a large family for support.
I tried to tell him what works for me might not help you....
The problem is he is calling me almost daily....and im trying to find a way of telling him maybe you should call your family or daughters.
He says im the only one who knows what he is going through....yes...but its making me very depressed hearing it all over again.
Im wondering should i call his brother/sister and tell him he needs pro help....im not the person that will be able to help him in the long term....
 

wwillson

Staff member
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Naperville, IL
Life has taught me that for some reason people can be very resistant to being sad over a terrible loss. What's worse, others don't want you to be sad after a loss and will say things to help you not be sad, but don't realize it doesn't help. It is perfectly normal to be sad after a loss, period.

I think being honest with your friend is the best way to handle his constant calling. Maybe something like, "I understand you are sad, but I am too and am in no position to help you, so I do appreciate you calling, but I ask that we find something else to talk about."
 

4WD

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Texas
I have helped a few folks with death, divorce, drugs, etc … after a few minutes of the difficult stuff I try to get on other subjects that’s still part of life … keeping up with their health, money, legal matters, a household, transportation etc
 

JC1

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6,110
Location
Oshawa, Ontario Canada
People can handle loss of a spouse differently. He obviously sounds like he's not listening to you, he's only thinking of himself.

Don't know if you can avoid your friend as much as possible over the next few months, since you seem uncomfortable telling himt bugger off without hurting his feelings.

It may not get better but you'll learn how to better cope without your spouse.
 
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Location
Scruffy City
Sometimes I tend to be a little blunt, but I'd tell him just what you told us. If he's really a friend he will get that.

I guess plan B might be to find a support group (assuming there is such a thing for this) and go put him in the car and take him to a meeting.

Frankly, i cannot even imagine...
 
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2,241
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GA
there is a life after the death of your loved ones; its hard, it is a sad situation but one needs to go on and find the way and move on with one's life
 

gmh101358

Thread starter
Messages
151
I called his older sister...I think she is almost 4 years older....she has suffered herself when her youngest son died from Oxycontin overdose back in 2013....she might be able to help him more than me. Its a delicate situation....dont want to hurt his feeling but its hard on me. I hope she get him away from calling me almost everyday day for the past 2 weeks. Its something every married couple will go through.....somebody will die and the other one left behind....it is tragic. I was lucky to have 26 years with my wife and my friend was married for 32.
My older brother lost his wife to cancer 16 years ago...he could not handle it and drank himself to death 5 years later and died from Cirrhosis of the liver.
In the past 20 years its been the women to die first and not the man in several people I know....the women is suppose to outlive men by 10 years or so but not with the people i know.....even my mother died first.
 
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933
Location
FL
I called his older sister...I think she is almost 4 years older....she has suffered herself when her youngest son died from Oxycontin overdose back in 2013....she might be able to help him more than me. Its a delicate situation....dont want to hurt his feeling but its hard on me. I hope she get him away from calling me almost everyday day for the past 2 weeks. Its something every married couple will go through.....somebody will die and the other one left behind....it is tragic. I was lucky to have 26 years with my wife and my friend was married for 32.
My older brother lost his wife to cancer 16 years ago...he could not handle it and drank himself to death 5 years later and died from Cirrhosis of the liver.
In the past 20 years its been the women to die first and not the man in several people I know....the women is suppose to outlive men by 10 years or so but not with the people i know.....even my mother died first.

Maybe he is feeling suicidal and calling you for help ?

I’m not kidding around.
 
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10,783
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Jupiter, Florida
In recent years, I've lost all my friends, except one. Over a 1.5 year period, they just seemed to die. Plane crashes, motorcycle crashes, strokes, heart attacks, you name it. I'm not "Mr. Tough Guy" and it really hurt, especially my very closest friend.

What helped me was to actively remember to be thankful for the time I had with them. And to tell stories about them and the things we had done over the years. They were great stories, funny, silly, pushing the limits (as friends tend to do) Nothing else helped me with the grief but those two things.
 
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Location
down in the park
Life has taught me that for some reason people can be very resistant to being sad over a terrible loss. What's worse, others don't want you to be sad after a loss and will say things to help you not be sad, but don't realize it doesn't help. It is perfectly normal to be sad after a loss, period.

I think being honest with your friend is the best way to handle his constant calling. Maybe something like, "I understand you are sad, but I am too and am in no position to help you, so I do appreciate you calling, but I ask that we find something else to talk about."

And I think that's the only way to deal with such a loss. Not being constantly reminded of it, and keeping your mind busy with other stuff. At least you get some reprieve in those moments because as soon as you are alone with yourself the memories and pain come back.

If you're lucky after a while your every thought when you're idle won't be about the loss, and it progresses from there to once a day, week, month etc...

I never know what to say when someone experiences a loss, because I feel words don't help.
 
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362
Location
BC Canada
Sorry for your loss!

Try letting him know that you will be there for him sometimes, but you can't solve his pain for him, and he really needs to reach out to his family more than you.

When my mother passed away, I was too young to remember it, which I am actually glad for. My Dad is the best, and I always had him to lean on. Think that it would have been much worse for me if I was older, say 5 or more, and then lost my mom. But if I ever lost my Dad I wouldn't know what to do. It must be incredibly painful to lose a spouse. My dad still misses my mom, and it was 17 years ago.
 
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