Am I unhappy? Absolutely with a lot of things in my life and the world in general.
I will echo something's from @supton who for some reason I feel like I get, maybe it's my years at TDIclub.com just seeing him as a familiar user.
It is definitely this 40's mess.
One teen just about to start her last 4 years of pure child bliss, the other still a bit off from that cliff. That innocence now as a 39 year old I yearn a bit for, no finances, no payments, no money this or deadline that. That middle life crisis where it seems you are 5 secs from ruin which as a teen didn't give you any pause but now, now you HAVE to be the responsible adult. You HAVE to meet that deadline, you HAVE to be there, you HAVE to provide for your family.
I force myself to take time out for myself and hang out with my older albeit, more free friends(divorce/older kids) but it's mostly just regurgitating around a bar. I know my wife disapproves but I've come to the "I don't care" conclusion. I come home every night and it never landed me in any trouble however it's a crutch I need stop using especially with the "money" aspect.
I get depressed about our house(should be bigger), finances(more money not less), and just life in general like I should have and could have done more. The hindsight is 20/20 argument. Honestly though, it could be way worse. My daughter's have it 1000% better than I ever did as a kid and that should be enough...It is enough. That's my goal, to make sure they are well adjusted and responsible adults when I turn to ash. It's not easy but it's the best job to have.
I got lucky where I make near 6 figures but needed no education to do so, just time & loyalty. It's been 20 years at my current & only permanent job outside retail. It really is all about luck. I drive them to sports out of state and big vacations, that never happened to me as a kid. I was never "good" enough at sports and vacations like other kids had NEVER happened.
What I am really happy about though is my daughter's overcome of her eating disorder and sticking with XC(Cross Country Running). She is such a strong person who doesn't even know how much potential she has. She has a bit of my OCD and a lot of her Mom's anxiety and even with all that genetic playdough still is pushing forward. She is a beacon of light in my otherwise overcast day. Knowing you were never the popular kid(actually bullied more) in school but seeing your own child excelling in that social setting and being that "kid", man it sends me over the moon.
One thing that still digs and naws at my very soul is losing my Aunt who was basically my Mom after 2003. My birth Mother fled my Father after meeting someone online and claiming his money issues were the reason she left. This is not unfounded, the man is horrible with money but after 23 yrs I'd argue that's not the only reason but she swears it is. My Aunt, was there for both my daughters from birth till her death in 2019 from cancer. She was the grandmother they deserved, not my idiot birth mother. She was my rock, always there, telling me I screwed up and praising me when I didn't. Such a hole left in me when she died but I healed that by knowing I took care of her mother(my grandmother) where others wouldn't or couldn't. Not easy to expect the grandson to take care of his aging grandmother but I did even with her other children alive and well, it was a privilege in my eyes but a lot of stress from 2019-2021 and even more financially having to again pay for part of her funeral.
After all of this I take solace in the fact that I am still here and in decent health otherwise so life is not perfect but it can be far worse. I just take it one day at a time now and try to find small joy in things. Your day doesn't have be 100% happy or great but if it's 75% it's still better than the majority and that is something to be thankful & happy about.
I will echo something's from @supton who for some reason I feel like I get, maybe it's my years at TDIclub.com just seeing him as a familiar user.
It is definitely this 40's mess.
One teen just about to start her last 4 years of pure child bliss, the other still a bit off from that cliff. That innocence now as a 39 year old I yearn a bit for, no finances, no payments, no money this or deadline that. That middle life crisis where it seems you are 5 secs from ruin which as a teen didn't give you any pause but now, now you HAVE to be the responsible adult. You HAVE to meet that deadline, you HAVE to be there, you HAVE to provide for your family.
I force myself to take time out for myself and hang out with my older albeit, more free friends(divorce/older kids) but it's mostly just regurgitating around a bar. I know my wife disapproves but I've come to the "I don't care" conclusion. I come home every night and it never landed me in any trouble however it's a crutch I need stop using especially with the "money" aspect.
I get depressed about our house(should be bigger), finances(more money not less), and just life in general like I should have and could have done more. The hindsight is 20/20 argument. Honestly though, it could be way worse. My daughter's have it 1000% better than I ever did as a kid and that should be enough...It is enough. That's my goal, to make sure they are well adjusted and responsible adults when I turn to ash. It's not easy but it's the best job to have.
I got lucky where I make near 6 figures but needed no education to do so, just time & loyalty. It's been 20 years at my current & only permanent job outside retail. It really is all about luck. I drive them to sports out of state and big vacations, that never happened to me as a kid. I was never "good" enough at sports and vacations like other kids had NEVER happened.
What I am really happy about though is my daughter's overcome of her eating disorder and sticking with XC(Cross Country Running). She is such a strong person who doesn't even know how much potential she has. She has a bit of my OCD and a lot of her Mom's anxiety and even with all that genetic playdough still is pushing forward. She is a beacon of light in my otherwise overcast day. Knowing you were never the popular kid(actually bullied more) in school but seeing your own child excelling in that social setting and being that "kid", man it sends me over the moon.
One thing that still digs and naws at my very soul is losing my Aunt who was basically my Mom after 2003. My birth Mother fled my Father after meeting someone online and claiming his money issues were the reason she left. This is not unfounded, the man is horrible with money but after 23 yrs I'd argue that's not the only reason but she swears it is. My Aunt, was there for both my daughters from birth till her death in 2019 from cancer. She was the grandmother they deserved, not my idiot birth mother. She was my rock, always there, telling me I screwed up and praising me when I didn't. Such a hole left in me when she died but I healed that by knowing I took care of her mother(my grandmother) where others wouldn't or couldn't. Not easy to expect the grandson to take care of his aging grandmother but I did even with her other children alive and well, it was a privilege in my eyes but a lot of stress from 2019-2021 and even more financially having to again pay for part of her funeral.
After all of this I take solace in the fact that I am still here and in decent health otherwise so life is not perfect but it can be far worse. I just take it one day at a time now and try to find small joy in things. Your day doesn't have be 100% happy or great but if it's 75% it's still better than the majority and that is something to be thankful & happy about.
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