My friend's wife......

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Originally Posted By: Bladecutter
Originally Posted By: wrcsixeight
I've told him on numerous occasions that her odd, insulting, and unacceptable behavior was being overlooked, by his close friends,because of the like and respect for him. I can't talk about his marriage with him, but I made sure he knew this before he married her, and before she got pregnant, and that he can't possibly supply her with all the help she needs. I don't think a fleet of psychiatrists could help her.

More recently, I've been avoiding any gathering where the wife and kids will be present, as it is so stressful to witness the children's minds be warped, and my friend to be so disrespected, and emasculated by the psycho wife.

As his friend, I don't know what to do to help him. Continue with the poker face and pretend I don't notice how crazy and unacceptable her behavior is? Or just go off on her and let her know the full contempt everybody feels for her actions, words and behavior. I've suppressed the latter desire for the last 15+ years.

It is just so hard to witness a good man, a good friend, being destroyed by an evil, manipulative woman.

What to do? I'm to see them tomorrow night when a mutual friend is in town.


Unfortunately, you've already let too much time pass without trying to help your friend, and let her win. The only thing you can do is tell him that no matter what happens, when she finally drops the atomic bomb on his head, he can come stay with you, and you will help him dispose of her carcass if need be.

Or better yet, just let him know you will split the cost of a private detective with him, when he needs enough ammo to bury her in court. Honestly, this should be done before she drops the atomic bomb on his head. Nothing defuses that bomb quicker than saying in the middle of that mess that "I have photos and audio of you and XXXX for the past 2 years, sitting in my best friend wrcsixeight's safe deposit box. Are you sure you want to go there with me?"

Just let him know that you've got his back, no matter when he needs you, and that's the best you will ever be able to do.

BC.


X2.

No amount of convincing or trying to talk sense into him will sway things. He is married to her, he knows how bad she is. It's up to him to decide when he's ready to call it quits, if he reaches that point.

I'd just offer your support, but don't try to intervene unless he comes to you for help.
 
Originally Posted By: wrcsixeight
Originally Posted By: GreeCguy
Let's not forget the OP is single and all the other buddies in his friends life are married. If I want wisdom or advice on say, how to repair my car, I don't visit my wife's hair dresser.


This.

I would be the last person I would seek out for marital advice, and I don't blame him in the least for not confiding in me about his marital issues. I am not an easy person to talk to and will always recommend talking to someone with experience in the subject matter instead.

Before he married her, I made a couple attempts to relate to him it was not a wise decision. His brother and I confronted him before and after and before she got pregnant and he threw up a wall and we backed off. It is like he is obligated to do everything she wants without thought to his own happiness.

She is not hot. Perhaps when he first met her she was somewhat attractive, certainly not fat, but not now. When he met her, he could literally have had any girl he wanted, all the hotties were chasing him, and when he fell for her we were all stunned and assumed she was the one who could remove chrome from a trailer hitch.

Our friendship has been strained for a while now, but recently we both have been making attempts to keep it going. I have seen her pick up his phone and read incoming texts in the past and called her on it, she acted like it was well within her rights. I told her I thought it was disgusting. I think many texts that I send which are not responded to, have been either erased by her, or he never noticed my text because she already read it. I've asked him about this and there is always an excuse like yeah I got it but was busy or forgot, but I can tell it was news to him.

We go surfing together, and the last topic I am going to bring up out there is what he goes out there to escape from. The last time we paddled out, he did bring up his concern about his son's behavior, which was mimicry of his wife's behavior. I related this, and he said perhaps. I gave 3 examples of how it was exactly how she behaves, going back 10+ years to the first example. Forest for the trees and all that. A wave came in, we split the peak and that was the end of the topic.


You sound like a very tolerant person. You also seem to keep trying to help this guy when he wants to just pull back, resist and evade any discussion that might actually be of help to him. I find that odd in a true friendship....but that is entirely up to the both of you. I know that I would not be able to continue a relationship with a fella such as your friend for many reasons. In a way I don't think this guy really deserves you. I know the first time any so called friend of mine tried to shut me down when I wanted to express myself to him....well, that would be the end of the friendship.
 
Seen the issue a few times before....it never, ever ends well.


Keeping it simple here....just slowly fade out, unless you can give him that once in a while lifeline...

Keep a distance.
 
Originally Posted By: Donald
A high percentage of women are nutcases.


Sadly this is true, and the longer you are with them the greater chance of finding the nutcase hidden within. Explains why I am so completely happy being a 38 year old divorced man. Have been for 5 years and don't plan on changing anytime soon. Friends and society as a whole often think this is odd. Like they think everyone needs someone and if you're not married then you must be looking right? Sorry...I have found myself going off on a rant. Don't get me wrong, I love women, and enjoy their company...but I have yet to find another that I want to live with and spend 'forever' with. If I get old and lonely I'll get a dog.
 
If my lifelong friend and myself were in a similar situation, I'd have one last "come to god" chat and then keep my distance.

Your friend (or anyone else's for that matter) probably won't appreciate it and would probably resent you. I would say to him he is destroying his life, and that there is hope. It is a [censored] situation especially as he will get reamed in the divorce if she does not make up lies RE abuse against him and he could end up losing his kids. Heart breaking.
 
Originally Posted By: bvance554
Originally Posted By: Donald
A high percentage of women are nutcases.


Sadly this is true, and the longer you are with them the greater chance of finding the nutcase hidden within. Explains why I am so completely happy being a 38 year old divorced man. Have been for 5 years and don't plan on changing anytime soon. Friends and society as a whole often think this is odd. Like they think everyone needs someone and if you're not married then you must be looking right? Sorry...I have found myself going off on a rant. Don't get me wrong, I love women, and enjoy their company...but I have yet to find another that I want to live with and spend 'forever' with. If I get old and lonely I'll get a dog.

I don't think your choice is odd at all. It's surprising that you've come to this realization so early in life though as most single men seem to feel this way as they get over 50 or so. Yes, in my opinion the majority of women these days....primarily American women, are missing a dot from the dice. Sure, a few gems are out there but most of those are spoken for. I've been married more than once and encountered my share of nutjobs. Fortunately my girlfriend and I do well together now for 7 years. Even though I have traditional views on most things, marriage for me isn't one of them. Women are wonderful for many reasons. But it seems once you commit and get married, the tide slowly changes and what was once good....turns into something else. Both can certainly be at fault though.
Yes, I agree with you about a dog. Lol...if anything happens to my current relationship I think I'll just occasionally date a woman....and live with the dog.
 
Originally Posted By: Kruse
Originally Posted By: wrcsixeight


What to do? I'm to see them tomorrow night when a mutual friend is in town.


Drink lots of booze, continually bite your tongue, and get out of there right after the instance of leaving early would be bad manners.
It's that guy's fault for walking down the aisle, don't make it yours.


+1,000,000,000
 
It does seem that many, not all, American women are truly delusional about what they deserve and how they are to be treated. They will jump on both sides of the same coin in the same sentence and see no problem with it.

I knew from a very young age that I was never getting married. My mother and sister are hurt by my misogynist tendencies, but growing up in a feminist environment where no man could ever do anything right certainly made me far too suspicious and resentful of female motivations to ever fall under their spell. All my relationships ended when I got sick of the attempted manipulations or when they got sick of me calling them on their attempted manipulations and realized I was not going to fall in line with their wishes like some ball-less zombie.

I just got a text from the mutual friend(female) who is in town, that certain hours later today the Psycho wife will not be around and that she is visiting my friend(her brother in law) and the kids in this brief window and asked me to come along.

This surprised me as I am used to these females pretending they are still in the girl power column and all is hunky dory, then talking crud about each other when apart, but apparently that pretense is gone.

I know she knows more about what really goes on within this marriage than I do, and the fact that she is going hard out of her way to avoid the wife is very telling. This friend from out of town is one of the few women I hold in high regard.
 
Originally Posted By: danthaman1980
I'll tell you this; he is your friend, so be a friend. Don't try to be his father, brother, psychiatrist, preacher, marriage counselor, legal analyst, etc. Buy him a beer or two, listen if he wants to talk about his marriage, or be someone he can talk to if he doesn't want to think about his marriage.

In the end he has to make his own decisions about his life - just be there for him no matter what he decides.


I will second Dan's words. Good advice here IMHO

I also don't buy the stuff about not a close friend because he won't talk to you. I completely agree with the car/hair dresser analogy.
 
Originally Posted By: cp3
Originally Posted By: danthaman1980
I'll tell you this; he is your friend, so be a friend. Don't try to be his father, brother, psychiatrist, preacher, marriage counselor, legal analyst, etc. Buy him a beer or two, listen if he wants to talk about his marriage, or be someone he can talk to if he doesn't want to think about his marriage.

In the end he has to make his own decisions about his life - just be there for him no matter what he decides.


I will second Dan's words. Good advice here IMHO

I also don't buy the stuff about not a close friend because he won't talk to you. I completely agree with the car/hair dresser analogy.

I just don't see how an honest and open friendship involves one friend limiting or marginalizing the other friends opinions because of a perceived lack of value (experience). If communication between two friends can't be open and free to express ideas to each other, what is the point of spending time together? I know that if I was to tell my girlfriend that she could no longer speak to me about issues she has no experience with (car maintenance, world history, male medical issues, landscaping, etc.), my relationship would last about an hour and a half. I certainly discuss things with her that I have little experience with and she knows that I may have some interesting ideas nonetheless.
I don't know, maybe I'm wrong about this whole thing? I know a couple of fellas at work that have kids (I have none). They are always talking about all kinds of issues and problems they are having with them. When ever I have expressed ideas about these issues, they treat me like a marginalized retard. When I ask why they do that they just cop the usual attitude of...."Oh, since you have not ever had kids you just don't understand". What rubbish. They must be real experts since they have so many problems I guess.
 
I don't really take offense he doesn't discuss his marital issues with me. I made my opinions of her clear to him long ago.

He always seemed happiest when I pretended I did not dislike his wife, and even perhaps believed I changed my opinion, even if the opposite is true. This bugs me because I hate being two faced, but that is the status quo in regards to her.

A few years back she offended me when he was not around, and I returned the insult going a little far, to the point where she could get an inkling of my true opinion of her.

Others who witnessed the exchange said I'd never hear the end of it, even if it needed to be said. She doesn't have the balls to confront me over the offending statement, but of course everything changed after it as she now sees me as a threat to her grand plan of, whatever the heck her greedy plans are.

I know she is demanding a house, at which point she will probably seek a divorce herself.

I'm headed over there soon. The nutjob is supposedly not to be there.
 
What happened to my previous post ???

Bottom line...
Cut your losses and avoid women that are bitter and poisonous.

I don't care if she was Scarlett Johansson... call it quits.
 
I'd stay out of it. He walked down the aisle with her. He made his bed and can lie in it. I don't have much sympathy for those who marry these types of women. This is probably why I am still single. Folks say I have too high standards. I tell them my standards are just right.
 
Originally Posted By: LT4 Vette
What happened to my previous post ???

Bottom line...
Cut your losses and avoid women that are bitter and poisonous.

I don't care if she was Scarlett Johansson... call it quits.





If it was Scarlett Johanssson I'd say....ah....hmm.....how about a month or so?
 
OK, maybe 5-6 months and then call it quits
56.gif
 
Originally Posted By: GreeCguy
There is no way you can do anything with the evil wife.


Yes, there is...but sadly, it is not legal.
frown.gif
 
Originally Posted By: threeputtpar
Originally Posted By: JimPghPA
NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, let yourself be alone with a person like that, or with any combination of those kids, or those kids and her. Not even for a very brief time. That type of person is capable of lying, and the lies they can spin can make believers out of adults that do not know them.

Imagine that she, and each of those kids, have already plotted to lay a false claim of child abuse and sexual abuse on you. All they require now is for you to be left alone with them for a long enough time period with no (other than you), sane adult present. Then they can claim that during that time you abused them.

These type of people are very dangerous, and the lies they can spin can ruin the lives of others, or at least cost them a heck of a lot of time and money fighting their lies.

They may not require a reason for attacking you, or they may think of something you did such as being a friend to the father, as an excuse to attacking you.

Stay far away from these type of people. Avoid them like they have the plague.

A sick mind can be a very wise and detailed plotting mind about how they attack someone else. Sometimes these type of people are very skilled at abusing the system of laws that exist to protect innocent people. And an innocent person attacked by them can end up spending thousands of dollars on attorneys just keep their name clean.


This is the ABSOLUTE truth. It's very unfortunate that you've essentially lost your lifelong friend to this woman, but get as far away from them as you can.

Or, you could call child protective services and report her as being phycially abusive to both the children and the husband and make her life very difficult. Wisconsin has many of the same laws regarding abuse, so just the accusation will give CPS a free pass to get up in her business as far as they want to go. Just be sure to never come in contact with her ever again.


Then she wails, "HE HIT ME!" and his friend is now in jail! Or worse: she accuses his friend of diddling the kids.
 
Update:
My friend's marriage has rapidly deteriorated.

She is leaving on Friday and drinking and smoking herself silly all weekend long, all week long too. For at least the last 5 weeks.

The kids are so confused.

My friend is loosing his mind. He is no longer holding anything back from me. He told her he wants a divorce, her only response was he'll never get the kids.

Her mother called me this morning worried about him, says she'll back him in court about custody as she called her own daughter seriously mentally ill and the alcoholism is making it worse. She was worried as he was going out and looking for her and that she would provoke him into doing something stupid if he found her, which is a very likely scenario.

I was talking with him as he was driving around looking for her and nothing I could say was going to stop him.

I worry about my friend's physical safety, and he is going into asset protection mode tomorrow, but there will be a blow up some point today. I don't know what I can do to help.

There are not many assets but he is planning on leaving the rented house and taking the kids. I think she needs to be locked up in a mental ward.

Some part of him is still hoping she will seek help and they can move on as a family. My telling him this is foolish and impossible at this point is not sinking in.

I don't know what, if anything, I can do as I don't have the space to put him up, nor the experience with relationships, or the law, to make recommendations.
 
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