If you trust your wife 100% you'll let her go. If she doesn't go and this guy dies, I have a feeling you'll be in a whole new world of [censored]. JMO
Am I right or wrong?
- Thread starter BrownBox88
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Originally Posted By: bepperb
...Still I think you're better off letting her decide what she wants to do and respecting her decision.
Bingo.
There is not a right or wrong here, it's an issue with how different people deal with a situation.
Another thing about the past, her past (good and bad) helped her become the woman she is now that you love and married, just as yours shaped you into the one she choose.
If it isn't a trust issue give her the freedom to deal with it in her way and support her decision.
...Still I think you're better off letting her decide what she wants to do and respecting her decision.
Bingo.
There is not a right or wrong here, it's an issue with how different people deal with a situation.
Another thing about the past, her past (good and bad) helped her become the woman she is now that you love and married, just as yours shaped you into the one she choose.
If it isn't a trust issue give her the freedom to deal with it in her way and support her decision.
Originally Posted By: BrownBox88
Originally Posted By: Quattro Pete
Sounds like you've got some hidden jealousy/insecurity issues. Whether they're justified or not, only you can answer that.
No, he egged my house at least twice a week. Constantly harassed me and my wife over social networking.
GUYS! This is not a trust issue!
Ugh - I don't think you're right or wrong. Bottom line, is if she's got feelings for the clown, then trying to directly discourage is a no-win for you, imho. I think all you can do is ride it out.
Originally Posted By: Quattro Pete
Sounds like you've got some hidden jealousy/insecurity issues. Whether they're justified or not, only you can answer that.
No, he egged my house at least twice a week. Constantly harassed me and my wife over social networking.
GUYS! This is not a trust issue!
Ugh - I don't think you're right or wrong. Bottom line, is if she's got feelings for the clown, then trying to directly discourage is a no-win for you, imho. I think all you can do is ride it out.
Originally Posted By: BrownBox88
Even after being married, having a child....I don't understand how someone. From the past can still affect them.
People from the past CAN affect them esp. if someone is not 100% happily married - just being married and having kids doesn't mean much; it's how happy/satisfied someone is in the marriage that counts in situations like this.
OP:
Just let her visit him - it might be his last days/hrs - otherwise you might end up feeling guilty later - even if this guy was a jerk to you.
Even after being married, having a child....I don't understand how someone. From the past can still affect them.
People from the past CAN affect them esp. if someone is not 100% happily married - just being married and having kids doesn't mean much; it's how happy/satisfied someone is in the marriage that counts in situations like this.
OP:
Just let her visit him - it might be his last days/hrs - otherwise you might end up feeling guilty later - even if this guy was a jerk to you.
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Every situation is different...one girl I would definitely go to the hospital to visit. She and I have been friends for 10 years and have lots of mutual friends. At one point we were both single and decided what the heck....lets try a relationship. Well it lasted for a few months but we were both different in too many ways so we both agreed it wouldn't work...but we looked at it like a trial period and have no hard feelings about it and we're still friends. We were both relieved we tried out that "what-if" scenario and put it to rest. It wasn't a big deal...10 years of her friendship far outweighed a few months of dating gone wrong.
If I were dating or especially married I'd expect my lady to understand the above and stand by my side.
Support your wife and try to understand that although you may not totally understand her reasons you love and trust her.
If I were dating or especially married I'd expect my lady to understand the above and stand by my side.
Support your wife and try to understand that although you may not totally understand her reasons you love and trust her.
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Originally Posted By: BrownBox88
GUYS! This is not a trust issue!
So what are you worried about? Let her go see the guy if she feels it's the right thing to do.
GUYS! This is not a trust issue!
So what are you worried about? Let her go see the guy if she feels it's the right thing to do.
^^^ Well said, GM Fan
- and I am glad in my personal case, my wife and I both know we'd let each other visit old friends in important situations and still have contact with them, even if they were part of a relationship at some point in the past...
- and I am glad in my personal case, my wife and I both know we'd let each other visit old friends in important situations and still have contact with them, even if they were part of a relationship at some point in the past...
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I'm not the controlling or jealous type.
If my wife wanted to visit an ex, she is free to do so without question or preconceived feelings (on my part) . I trust her, and I trust that if she wants to be with me, she will act in good faith. At the end of the day, she is home with me, by choice! What could be better than that? A relationship based on mutual trust is incredibly strong.
It's that simple. Freedom is a wonderful thing. Enjoy it for yourself, let others enjoy it too.
If my wife wanted to visit an ex, she is free to do so without question or preconceived feelings (on my part) . I trust her, and I trust that if she wants to be with me, she will act in good faith. At the end of the day, she is home with me, by choice! What could be better than that? A relationship based on mutual trust is incredibly strong.
It's that simple. Freedom is a wonderful thing. Enjoy it for yourself, let others enjoy it too.
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You're in a difficult spot here, but if you tell your wife that she can't go, she will hold that over your head forever. I'd say let her go to the ICU if she wants, or better yet, go with her.
I do have one question though. If the shoe was on the other foot and you wanted to see one of your ex-girlfriends or an ex-wife in the hospital, or for any other reason, would she object?
I do have one question though. If the shoe was on the other foot and you wanted to see one of your ex-girlfriends or an ex-wife in the hospital, or for any other reason, would she object?
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Originally Posted By: BrownBox88
Me being myself, I do not have any sympathy for EX's at all. Regardless of any situation they might be in.
AMEN my brother! I TOTALLY agree with you 200%!
Me being myself, I do not have any sympathy for EX's at all. Regardless of any situation they might be in.
AMEN my brother! I TOTALLY agree with you 200%!
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Originally Posted By: aquariuscsm
Originally Posted By: BrownBox88
Me being myself, I do not have any sympathy for EX's at all. Regardless of any situation they might be in.
AMEN my brother! I TOTALLY agree with you 200%!
And why is that? I am just curious because you both said EX's in GENERAL, and not just 'Bad/weird' Ex's that you had bad experiences with.
Is it just because they are Ex's ? even if they were good people?
I guess what I mean is:
is 'being an ex' an automatic reason for not showing any sympathy towards them, even if they're normal/nice/good human beings that didn't do anything bad/wrong to you?
Originally Posted By: BrownBox88
Me being myself, I do not have any sympathy for EX's at all. Regardless of any situation they might be in.
AMEN my brother! I TOTALLY agree with you 200%!
And why is that? I am just curious because you both said EX's in GENERAL, and not just 'Bad/weird' Ex's that you had bad experiences with.
Is it just because they are Ex's ? even if they were good people?
I guess what I mean is:
is 'being an ex' an automatic reason for not showing any sympathy towards them, even if they're normal/nice/good human beings that didn't do anything bad/wrong to you?
I do not see any problem at all with your wife going to see someone in his condition. It is a gesture of kindness, that is all.
Originally Posted By: BrownBox88
Me being myself,
That may be the part you need to be mindful of. Others think, feel and behave differently than you.
Me being myself,
That may be the part you need to be mindful of. Others think, feel and behave differently than you.
Originally Posted By: Kruse
You're in a difficult spot here, but if you tell your wife that she can't go, she will hold that over your head forever. I'd say let her go to the ICU if she wants, or better yet, go with her.
I do have one question though. If the shoe was on the other foot and you wanted to see one of your ex-girlfriends or an ex-wife in the hospital, or for any other reason, would she object?
My thoughts, exactly.
Long story short, if you stop her from going, you'll never live it down.
You're in a difficult spot here, but if you tell your wife that she can't go, she will hold that over your head forever. I'd say let her go to the ICU if she wants, or better yet, go with her.
I do have one question though. If the shoe was on the other foot and you wanted to see one of your ex-girlfriends or an ex-wife in the hospital, or for any other reason, would she object?
My thoughts, exactly.
Long story short, if you stop her from going, you'll never live it down.
He's on life support in ICU....what's the worst that could happen?
Just tell her in a calm even toned voice that you are not entirely comfortable with her visiting him but you understand if she must. Don't try to argue with her. Don't get mad.
Chris Rock said it best...Men cannot win in an argument...because men have the need to make sense.
Just tell her in a calm even toned voice that you are not entirely comfortable with her visiting him but you understand if she must. Don't try to argue with her. Don't get mad.
Chris Rock said it best...Men cannot win in an argument...because men have the need to make sense.
I don't see a need to visit an old "boyfriend". Just my opinion.
We've been married a long time, but neither me nor my wife would have a desire to see an old flame, even if they were in the hospital. My $.02.
We've been married a long time, but neither me nor my wife would have a desire to see an old flame, even if they were in the hospital. My $.02.
I don't think one can apply one's own 'rules' to a situation like that, when other people are concerned, because there's WAY too much variety with each individual and situation.
A lot of people remain good friends even after a relationship has ended, and they can be even good friends with the current S/O or spouse even. It all depends on how/why the relationship ended...
I know a guy who had a GF in college, and this GF and he broke up peacefully, and remained good friends, and the girl later married a different guy who was a pretty good friend of the 1st guy...All 3 of them remain great friends to this date, and whenever we see them at a get-together etc, one can see how much the friendship means to them.
But not all cases end like that, and not all people are made of that type of 'substance' or character....
---And I am still curious to see how the OP and one supporter answers my question about why they have 'no sympathy in any situation' for Ex's, just because they're ex's.
A lot of people remain good friends even after a relationship has ended, and they can be even good friends with the current S/O or spouse even. It all depends on how/why the relationship ended...
I know a guy who had a GF in college, and this GF and he broke up peacefully, and remained good friends, and the girl later married a different guy who was a pretty good friend of the 1st guy...All 3 of them remain great friends to this date, and whenever we see them at a get-together etc, one can see how much the friendship means to them.
But not all cases end like that, and not all people are made of that type of 'substance' or character....
---And I am still curious to see how the OP and one supporter answers my question about why they have 'no sympathy in any situation' for Ex's, just because they're ex's.
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JHZR2
Staff member
This was a boyfriend, not a husband?
Was he a live-in boyfriend? If so, there may be some intimacy issues here that she is hung up on.
If they were truly long-term friends, like from HS, college or whatever, and there was a circle of them, it may just be sentimental. Is she typically a sentimental person?
I think she may confuse the situation if he comes to and puts two and two together. But you forbidding her to do something may not be helpful either. IMO its on her to do the right thing for YOUR relationship. Since it seems that there was friction with this guy in the past, and youre jealous/uncomfortable, she should do whats right for the two of you.
Was he a live-in boyfriend? If so, there may be some intimacy issues here that she is hung up on.
If they were truly long-term friends, like from HS, college or whatever, and there was a circle of them, it may just be sentimental. Is she typically a sentimental person?
I think she may confuse the situation if he comes to and puts two and two together. But you forbidding her to do something may not be helpful either. IMO its on her to do the right thing for YOUR relationship. Since it seems that there was friction with this guy in the past, and youre jealous/uncomfortable, she should do whats right for the two of you.
Go in there with her, if she asks you to leave the room you'll be in the hall. Don't offer to leave ahead of time, make her make the akward request. Hospitals don't have doors or much for privacy, especially ICUs, so being around the corner will still be emotionally close to your wife (and "keep her in line").
I met my wife's HS boyfriend. Cool guy but massive inferiority complex. He made some cool black powder cannon on a lathe he was showing off. Loud little thing. Big gun collection. Hole in the sheetrock where he threw his motorcycle helmet. Again, funny guy. We got along.
My thoughts, You are wrong.
My wife has a girl friend I don't particularly like, but I would not dream of 'speaking out' about them having lunch together now and then.
(I'd rather that than she came here)
Her friends are Her friends, not mine.
I have an Ex I still like very much, as in Best Friend, Our relationship ended amicably 30 years ago. We contact each other several times a year, and even vacation together. But in that case, my wife also thinks my Ex and her husband are nice people.
Last year my wife went away, with her daughter, to be with her dying Ex, I've never met the guy, I understand (from my wife) during their break-up he was a real jerk, but if She want's to see him, I would not dream of stopping her, or even questioning her discussion.
I fear you my have a frail ego.
What do you fear?
My wife has a girl friend I don't particularly like, but I would not dream of 'speaking out' about them having lunch together now and then.
(I'd rather that than she came here)
Her friends are Her friends, not mine.
I have an Ex I still like very much, as in Best Friend, Our relationship ended amicably 30 years ago. We contact each other several times a year, and even vacation together. But in that case, my wife also thinks my Ex and her husband are nice people.
Last year my wife went away, with her daughter, to be with her dying Ex, I've never met the guy, I understand (from my wife) during their break-up he was a real jerk, but if She want's to see him, I would not dream of stopping her, or even questioning her discussion.
I fear you my have a frail ego.
What do you fear?
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