My friend's wife......

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My lifelong friend's wife is a nightmare.

Overwhelmingly narcissistic, greedy, paranoid, gossipy, an alcoholic, and abusive. Definitely emotionally abusive, and probably physically too.

My friend is honoring his fidelity vows, though she likely is not. Respect, not at all. Obey? That is a personal challenge to do the opposite. Their kids set the bar for unacceptable behavior, and she rewards it every time I've witnessed it.

He loves his children desperately, and I suspect they, and California's divorce laws, are the only reason he is still in the relationship at all. She apparently cannot handle being left alone with their children for too long, and I suspect he is reluctant to let that happen.

I am a bachelor for life, and he will not discuss his marriage with me, but will with our other married friends, and what they convey to me is that I don't know the half of it, and he has asked them not to share.

I've never wanted to spend any time around his wife, and her bizarre and insulting behavior is usually let to slide, because confrontation undoubtedly would make things even worse for my friend. All of his friend's have taken this same approach without realizing, at first, that we were just enabling her.

I've told him on numerous occasions that her odd, insulting, and unacceptable behavior was being overlooked, by his close friends,because of the like and respect for him. I can't talk about his marriage with him, but I made sure he knew this before he married her, and before she got pregnant, and that he can't possibly supply her with all the help she needs. I don't think a fleet of psychiatrists could help her.

More recently, I've been avoiding any gathering where the wife and kids will be present, as it is so stressful to witness the children's minds be warped, and my friend to be so disrespected, and emasculated by the psycho wife.

As his friend, I don't know what to do to help him. Continue with the poker face and pretend I don't notice how crazy and unacceptable her behavior is? Or just go off on her and let her know the full contempt everybody feels for her actions, words and behavior. I've suppressed the latter desire for the last 15+ years.

Any constructive criticism I've offered in the past, only when asked, has been taken as a personal insult and she goes into full verbal attack mode at any perceived slight. Her words hold no weight with me, she can insult me all she wants, but I don't want to make things more difficult for him.

She already has isolated him from most of his lifelong friends, and kept any new friends at a distance. I suspect she wants him as dependent on her as she is on him.

It is just so hard to witness a good man, a good friend, being destroyed by an evil, manipulative woman.

What to do? I'm to see them tomorrow night when a mutual friend is in town.
 
Sounds pretty toxic. I'd keep my distance and look for other friends. Life's too short to be dragged down by anyone. It's a bit easier since their not family. Time to make yourself happy. I think Dr. Phil just released a book about toxic people and how to deal with them or not deal with them. Good luck!
 
If he's a lifelong close friend,have a serious talk with him. I'd avoid confrontation with the wife as well. Anytime she wants to start her b.s. with you,just ignore her.
 
What would be worse: the risk of alienating your friend with your criticism, or the risk of being around and helplessly watching as his leech of a spouse slowly destroys his life?

What's more likely: that you can peel your friend away from his crazy spouse, or that you will fail at the expense of your friendship?

What do you value more: your desire to see your friends be okay, or your respect for them to live their own lives?

What do you think will work better for you and for your friend: speaking your mind until you feel he hears you, or holding back until he comes to you?



There's no good option here. The best thing you can do is to remind yourself of what you value and do your best to act accordingly.
 
Originally Posted By: aquariuscsm
If he's a lifelong close friend,have a serious talk with him. I'd avoid confrontation with the wife as well. Anytime she wants to start her b.s. with you,just ignore her.

Amen. I have a friend who is in a similar situation (although not nearly as bad) and this is what I do.
 
There is no way you can do anything with the evil wife. The more you confront her on her behavior, the more she will hate you, attack you and ultimately, bar you from seeing your friend and take it out on your friend. She will punish him for the things you do.

In my opinion, the best you can do is be there for your friend. Let him know he can come to you any time day or night if he has to. Let him know he is a good person, (hearing a word of encourgement in a situation like that is like water to a desert traveler). Assure him that whatever he says to you will be held in highest confidence and you will tell no one. Point out his good points in the company of others, especially when she's trying to tear him down, but do it in a friendly, non-confrontational way.

She sounds like she has serious issues that are both self destructive and destructive to those around her. You can't fix that.
 
Has your friend confided in you that he is truly miserable and nearing the end of his rope in the relationship? Until he recognizes the problem and wants to make a change, you'll probably only alienate him by pushing on the issue. If you're alienated from him, you won't be able to help if and when it's needed.
 
Originally Posted By: GreeCguy
There is no way you can do anything with the evil wife. The more you confront her on her behavior, the more she will hate you, attack you and ultimately, bar you from seeing your friend and take it out on your friend. She will punish him for the things you do.

In my opinion, the best you can do is be there for your friend. Let him know he can come to you any time day or night if he has to. Let him know he is a good person, (hearing a word of encourgement in a situation like that is like water to a desert traveler). Assure him that whatever he says to you will be held in highest confidence and you will tell no one. Point out his good points in the company of others, especially when she's trying to tear him down, but do it in a friendly, non-confrontational way.

She sounds like she has serious issues that are both self destructive and destructive to those around her. You can't fix that.


This^ It will bring him much encouragement and it is the only safe way to address her mistreatment of him.
 
NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, let yourself be alone with a person like that, or with any combination of those kids, or those kids and her. Not even for a very brief time. That type of person is capable of lying, and the lies they can spin can make believers out of adults that do not know them.

Imagine that she, and each of those kids, have already plotted to lay a false claim of child abuse and sexual abuse on you. All they require now is for you to be left alone with them for a long enough time period with no (other than you), sane adult present. Then they can claim that during that time you abused them.

These type of people are very dangerous, and the lies they can spin can ruin the lives of others, or at least cost them a heck of a lot of time and money fighting their lies.

They may not require a reason for attacking you, or they may think of something you did such as being a friend to the father, as an excuse to attacking you.

Stay far away from these type of people. Avoid them like they have the plague.

A sick mind can be a very wise and detailed plotting mind about how they attack someone else. Sometimes these type of people are very skilled at abusing the system of laws that exist to protect innocent people. And an innocent person attacked by them can end up spending thousands of dollars on attorneys just keep their name clean.
 
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I would mind my own business. Friend or no friend, he's a big boy and can take care of himself or at least should be able to ask for help.
Yes, it's cold hearted, as some people will not ask for help out of pride, but in a situation like that there will be no winners.
 
Your freind is probertly fully aware of his wifes behavior and his own and his kids situation. He is a grown man and if he wants change he is the only one who can make it happen. You pointing out problems he is fully aware off might ignore him.

let him decide what to do.and if he at any time need your support. Step in and support him best possible.

I am no expert. But that is what i would doo.
 
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I am a bachelor for life, and he will not discuss his marriage with me, but will with our other married friends, and what they convey to me is that I don't know the half of it, and he has asked them not to share.

He may not be the friend you think he is. This is just weird.
 
I've been pretty much in your friend's shoes. Thanks to Texas divorce law and the fact that we didn't have any kids, I was able to get out pretty easily.

Having been there and having friends who really helped me get through a couple of really bad years, I'll tell you this; he is your friend, so be a friend. Don't try to be his father, brother, psychiatrist, preacher, marriage counselor, legal analyst, etc. Buy him a beer or two, listen if he wants to talk about his marriage, or be someone he can talk to if he doesn't want to think about his marriage.

In the end he has to make his own decisions about his life - just be there for him no matter what he decides.
 
Originally Posted By: JimPghPA
NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, let yourself be alone with a person like that, or with any combination of those kids, or those kids and her. Not even for a very brief time. That type of person is capable of lying, and the lies they can spin can make believers out of adults that do not know them.

Imagine that she, and each of those kids, have already plotted to lay a false claim of child abuse and sexual abuse on you. All they require now is for you to be left alone with them for a long enough time period with no (other than you), sane adult present. Then they can claim that during that time you abused them.

These type of people are very dangerous, and the lies they can spin can ruin the lives of others, or at least cost them a heck of a lot of time and money fighting their lies.

They may not require a reason for attacking you, or they may think of something you did such as being a friend to the father, as an excuse to attacking you.

Stay far away from these type of people. Avoid them like they have the plague.

A sick mind can be a very wise and detailed plotting mind about how they attack someone else. Sometimes these type of people are very skilled at abusing the system of laws that exist to protect innocent people. And an innocent person attacked by them can end up spending thousands of dollars on attorneys just keep their name clean.


This is the ABSOLUTE truth. It's very unfortunate that you've essentially lost your lifelong friend to this woman, but get as far away from them as you can.

Or, you could call child protective services and report her as being phycially abusive to both the children and the husband and make her life very difficult. Wisconsin has many of the same laws regarding abuse, so just the accusation will give CPS a free pass to get up in her business as far as they want to go. Just be sure to never come in contact with her ever again.
 
Originally Posted By: JimPghPA
NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, let yourself be alone with a person like that, or with any combination of those kids, or those kids and her. Not even for a very brief time. That type of person is capable of lying, and the lies they can spin can make believers out of adults that do not know them.

Imagine that she, and each of those kids, have already plotted to lay a false claim of child abuse and sexual abuse on you. All they require now is for you to be left alone with them for a long enough time period with no (other than you), sane adult present. Then they can claim that during that time you abused them.

These type of people are very dangerous, and the lies they can spin can ruin the lives of others, or at least cost them a heck of a lot of time and money fighting their lies.

They may not require a reason for attacking you, or they may think of something you did such as being a friend to the father, as an excuse to attacking you.

Stay far away from these type of people. Avoid them like they have the plague.

A sick mind can be a very wise and detailed plotting mind about how they attack someone else. Sometimes these type of people are very skilled at abusing the system of laws that exist to protect innocent people. And an innocent person attacked by them can end up spending thousands of dollars on attorneys just keep their name clean.




Good advice! Seen it myself lots.
 
Really stinks. But I have a few issues/observations:

1)I dont mean this in a mean way, but my read is that if he were really a close friend, that he would share his issues and concerns with you. Single or not, it seems that there is a lack of confidence or willingness to share with you that just seems odd.

2)You say that he discusses with other friends, and tells them a lot more. Thing is, either they are closer, they are trusted more, they are associated with knowing more, or, perhaps its a right place right time thing? One way or another, perhaps you shouldnt worry. He doesnt seem concerned with talking this through with you.

3) Does it really bother him? Maybe its like water off a duck's back - yeah sure its wet for a second, but it is rolling off and isnt going to stay wet for long. Maybe it doesnt bother him.

4) Some people just want to be whipped/controlled/not wear the pants. I have two friends, one who isnt a friend really anymore because he was controlled by the then girlfriend, and essentially disappeared... And another who isnt abused/yelled at in any way, but definitely isnt in control nor a real voice in the household. Their life is great, very happy, but he just does his thing and what he was told, and is happy.

It sounds to me that youve made your attempt, and have been turned away from any semblance of "help" maybe multiple times even. Id say that's enough. If you want to make one last stand, try it just to be set in the mind. Fast and to the point. "I know we havent talked about this much, but it sure seems to me that you are mistreated and perhaps even in an abusive household with xxxx. Maybe its not the case, but it has been uncomfortable on multiple occasions, and her behavior is noticed as odd to me. Its tough for me to take, but Im always here to help you out in any way I can, I just cant take her abusive behavior and see it forced upon you and the kids" Something like that and leave it.

THen you can be a flake sometimes and be picky about when you do stuff, and if he never discusses it, so be it. If he does, great. Just try to avoid her and dont affect your happy life.

At some point, sad stories are sad stories, and people have to want to change them. If they dont, it just is what it is, and it is unfortunate.
 
In all likelihood, this friend of yours chose this woman because he himself has some serious personal issues. It seems evident to me that he does little to remedy the situation....and because he knows that he's being foolish in the way he's been dealing with it....he won't include you in marital conversation for fear of disclosing his actions in all this. He sounds to me like a real milk toast of a guy that has had self esteem problems most of his life. I have a 'friend' that has had similar problems. He's had nothing but trouble with the females he chooses. Turned out HE was making very poor choices because HE was all screwed up most of his life. He will never change and after thirty years of listening to his complaining I had had enough of being dragged down. We really aren't friends anymore and I feel fine about that....good in fact. If I were in your shoes, I would slowly withdraw from this guy and his venomous relationship BEFORE you get involved in a way that negatively effects your life. This nonsense about sticking with friends when they are self destructive (or refuse to change/fix situations) is a ticket to frustration.
Find other friends that will lift you up or at least not drag you down with conditions of discussion on topics they choose. Sorry, the guy sounds like a doormat.
 
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