is getting married a bad idea?

[The_Jeff]

Marrying was a great idea but mostly b/c it got me out of my own nuclear family. A generation ago you married and had kids b/c it was the "thing to do" and my folks didn't seem to be that into it. I met my now-wife and hung out with her functional family and decided, "I want in!". Ironically, her brother's wife came from a very similar background and she wanted in too!

She's a better person, she triggers something competitive in me, otherwise I'd be scrubbing the sink 14 hours a day and playing nintendo.

I haven't changed her very much, and noone can.

At the wedding reception most of her friends congratulated me on being able to handle her.

 

[JHZR2]

So much down on marriage. I feel sorry if those who are so against it procreate, creating situations when kids end up growing in disfunctional homes, no father figure, broken homes, etc.

While there are a ton of folks who have "made it" from all kinds of family structures, etc. I can't imagine bringing kids into the world without being in it for the long run and being completely aligned on everything to ensure that the right family structure and support for the kids.

It's fine to NOT wanting to marry, but IMO that comes with the territory to not procreate. That's not a judgement call on not wanting to marry. But I'd hate to see more kids brought into separated homes that dont have both active roles present all the time.

 

[jcwit]

I'm 69 years old, my wife is 63. We dated 1 week before making marriage plans. We have spent a wonderful life together, raised 2 daughters, had a few ups and downs, never thought of separating or divorce. Made each a promise to never go to bed mad at each other, communication is the secret, or at least it worked for us. We leaned on each other thru thick and thin and now love each other more than ever.

Simply put! I'm a very Blessed Man as I know my Wife is also.

 

[Pop_Rivit]

There are some rules that need to be followed for two mature adults to have a successful marriage.

There must be a theological unity. You and your future spouse must be on the same theological page. It is a reference point for how you act, how you perceive yourself, how you perceive your spouse, and how you perceive marriage.

There has to be a moral unity. There are some people who are incapable of remaining committed, both emotionally and physically, to another person, and they will never succeed in marriage. Both have to work hard to fulfill each others needs.

There have to be unified life goals. Both have to know where they are going, and where the potential spouse is going in life. If one has spiritual values and the other temporal physical values the relationship will always be divided. If one wants to surround themselves with a lot of "things", and the other prefers a modest lifestyle, the relationship will be divided.

There has to be legitimate passion. Not only do you marry a best friend, but there must be an intimacy, a passion and an excitement for a marriage to succeed. Not just a physical intimacy, but a desire to be close to the other person. Holding hands, sharing long walks and long talks, and letting the other person know that they are the most important person in your life.

In case you were wondering, my wife and I will have been married 40 years this spring. She is my best friend, the love of my life, and the most important person in my life. We share absolutely everything and hold no secrets from each other. There's no one that I'd rather spend time with; we dance together, exercise together, care for each other and our lives are built around each other. I still work hard to meet her emotional needs and she works to fulfill mine. She's my soul mate, and I would never do anything to make her unhappy in any way. I've always been completely honest with her, and she's always been honest with me. When we do disagree on something we discusse the issue like adults; never have we yelled or become angry like little children.

I look forward to growing old with my wife, and having her by my side for the rest of my days. No matter how old we are, I'll always tell her that I love her, and she'll always be the only person with whom I'll share my life. I can't imagine anything less.

There will always be some people who are not mature enough for marriage, no matter what their age.

 

[JHZR2]

^My wife and I haven't been married for 40 years, but couldn't agree more. ^

 

[Rick in PA]

Originally Posted By: aquariuscsm
Originally Posted By: spasm3
5. You can stand each others inlaws!

^^The best advice here! Remember,if you marry the girl, you marry her family, friends, etc.


And beyond that, in a way, your wife will become like her mother. You're getting a foreshadow of the future. In some ways, you will become like your father...

 

[Panzerman]

Since its about a 50/50 split on here about whether being married is good or bad. There you have your statistics for divorce. I think it just boils down to what makes you happy and how far you both will work on keeping each other happy to maintain your relationship. When you find a woman that her happiness, brings you as much happiness and she feels the same. You will apprieate being married. I have told her many times, she is my crack cocaine. When your addicted to your spouse in that way, your bound to have a good marriage and its ussually not a $200 a day addiction. I think the divorce rate would even be higher if everyone got a divorce that was unhappy though. I notice more of my friends than not, that are married, are just married, they go on about with their lives and their mate with hers. Seperate vacations, go out without each other, ussually have kids,thats ussually why they are together. I think what a waste of a perfectly good life, but I guess it works. The ones on here that are happily married, are gifted and super lucky. Its better than the lottery and the ones I am talking to know what I mean and the ones that dont, hope you find it one day.

 

[chiks]

Originally Posted By: tommygunn
Get a prenup. A contract wherein leaving the agreement means you lose half of all your assets is a really bad one to be in.


then where is the love? Might as well not get married...but then then all tax and other benefits are applicable to married couples only.
Ah...arranged marriage is better. You get money with the girl so...

Lol

 

[JTK]

If financial fears are your only focus, do everyone a favor and never get married!

Getting married and having several kids is the real deal. You're too worn out and broke to worry much.

If you can make it through that, you can make it through anything.

Joel

 

[Colt45ws]

Originally Posted By: JHZR2
So much down on marriage. I feel sorry if those who are so against it procreate, creating situations when kids end up growing in disfunctional homes, no father figure, broken homes, etc.

While there are a ton of folks who have "made it" from all kinds of family structures, etc. I can't imagine bringing kids into the world without being in it for the long run and being completely aligned on everything to ensure that the right family structure and support for the kids.

It's fine to NOT wanting to marry, but IMO that comes with the territory to not procreate. That's not a judgement call on not wanting to marry. But I'd hate to see more kids brought into separated homes that dont have both active roles present all the time.

I dont see what difference a piece of paper makes in determining whether people stay together or not. No particular reason I can find they wouldnt be able to stay together as long as some of the people here have been married. As long as they are right for each other.

 

[andrewg]

Originally Posted By: LT4 Vette
Maybe those single guys need to find a nice, conservative Christian woman with morals and values.


Morals and values that match those of the man, yes. But in my opinion a female being Christian certainly does not provide any more assurance of a good woman. I speak from experience.

 

[andrewg]

Originally Posted By: chiks
Originally Posted By: tommygunn
Get a prenup. A contract wherein leaving the agreement means you lose half of all your assets is a really bad one to be in.


then where is the love? Might as well not get married...but then then all tax and other benefits are applicable to married couples only.
Ah...arranged marriage is better. You get money with the girl so...

Lol

I rather agree. I would never marry anyone were a prenup would enter my mind. But then I would not marry again given my own experiences.

 

[chiks]

Trust is everything.
How would you ever find out if your spouse was cheating while at work?
He/she could come home, be nice, cuddle up to you, and all the good things.
Maybe your spouse IS happy because he/she has you at home, and someone else to stick to at work.
This way his/her expectations are satisfied. The person at work satisfies her in some ways you cannot, and you satisfy in ways that the person@work does not.
If she is not working, maybe the mailman/Gardner/plumber etc is providing the excitement @ home while you are out working in the field. you never know

This is for real.FYI this is also the reason why slaves to the queen were castrated before put in service.

You provide stability, the other person at work provides the thrill/excitement.

To believe that marriage is working BECAUSE you both make a good pair is wishful. Is it the truth?
Maybe. Maybe not.

 

[jcwit]

If its only "just a piece of paper" then whats the problem?

And if thats all the commitment a couple has, then just what are the 2 of them after?

 

[JHZR2]

Originally Posted By: jcwit
If its only "just a piece of paper" then whats the problem?

And if thats all the commitment a couple has, then just what are the 2 of them after?


Exactly.

 

[javacontour]

They have affairs and divorce their faithful, conservative Christian husbands as well. And the church tends to blame him for her affair.

Ask me, I'll tell you all about my experience.

Finding such a woman is no guarantee she will remain that way, or honor her vows.

Originally Posted By: LT4 Vette
Maybe those single guys need to find a nice, conservative Christian woman with morals and values.

 

[Astro14]

Pop_Rivit said it better than I could have and is a clear example of doing it right.

My personal experience is 50-50 as well. Nearly 19 years in a marriage that ended in divorce because it was fundamentally flawed, and 5 years in a wonderful marriage with the right person.

I believe in marriage - but both partners have to be equally committed to the support of each other. That is not often the case, and those who look at it from the "she gets half of my stuff" perspective appear to lack the level of commitment to make for a successful marriage...clearly, for them, their stuff is more important than the support of the new spouse. Look, once you're married, all the stuff is joint...you're one team now...if you're not one team as a married couple, you're not going to survive as a married couple...you're either all in, or you should not be sitting at the table.

The stress placed on the team, the partnership, can be considerable; job losses, college expenses, illness...all of those kinds of things are embodied in the "for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health" provision of the vows...people gloss over those words, but they capture the core issue of a relationship: meeting challenges together and sharing rewards together.

And with the right person, sharing the rewards makes all of the challenges worthwhile.

 

[javacontour]

As many have said here, the problem isn't with marriage. The problem is with how folks view marriage.

I tend to believe that most folks get married with the idea they are going to remain married. The question is, do they stick to those beliefs when things are tough?

If not, that person will tend to bail out.

The stats on the matter are that about 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Most divorces, between 66 and 75% depending on whose numbers you read are filed by the woman.

Women are no more or less good or bad than men. There is this false notion that men have more affairs than women. Really? Men are having affairs with other men? While that may happen, I think the vast majority of affairs involve a man and a woman, keeping the numbers even.

I think our attitudes on marriage have changed. Since the late 1960's or early 1970's the concept of No Fault Divorce was created. One could divorce for any reason. Issues like infidelity no longer play into the division of property or child custody as they once did.

I find it disturbing that "the church" here in the US cares more about same-sex marriage, which impacts from 2-10% of all folks, again depending on whose numbers you use. Meanwhile, I believe one day of No Fault Divorce ends more marriages than a years worth of same sex marriage "damages" the institution of marriage.

I shared a little of my experience. I went to my pastor about my ex-wife's affair and was asked what I did to force her to have an affair.

So guys, if something goes wrong, if your wife has an affair, expect quite a number of folks with limited reasoning and/or fixed biases to assume the fault is with you.

The problem isn't with marriage. I think, when done well, it's one of the best things life has to offer. The problem is few do it well, and it takes BOTH doing it well to make it work.

All it takes is one knucklehead to ruin it for the entire family.

 

[chiks]

Originally Posted By: LT4 Vette
Maybe those single guys need to find a nice, conservative Christian woman with morals and values.



I can show you a ton of such women who wake up with the Lord's name on their lips, talk about being compassionate, charitable, etc and you would think this woman is the one to be with. Sadly,at the same time, they would be having extra-marital affairs and while having sex with the other guy, she will keep saying "forgive me lord", but thoroughly enjoying the affair at the same time, and looking forward to doing more of the same.

In fact, I have seen more sins(cheating, affairs, lying, etc) being committed under the Lords/God's name than a place of normal business.

 

[Jarlaxle]

Originally Posted By: Pop_Rivit
There are some rules that need to be followed for two mature adults to have a successful marriage.

There must be a theological unity. You and your future spouse must be on the same theological page. It is a reference point for how you act, how you perceive yourself, how you perceive your spouse, and how you perceive marriage.


False. I know of a Catholic happily married to an agnostic for almost thirty years, I know of a Wiccan happily married to someone who is simply not religious at all for more than fifteen.