DNA test and opening a can of worms

[WhyMe]

i have been watching vids of people being reunited with long lost loved ones via these DNA test. i wonder how well they work to find someone.

my wife has a aunt that lived in Vietnam till the mids 70's . apparently in the mid 60's she had a relationship with an american military officer and had a child. she thought they were to get married, but unknown to her he was already married in the states. when confronted he told he that him and his wife had planned this to have a child as she could not have children. Then he disappeared with the child and she has never heard from them since.

these were times before the internet etc where finding people is less difficult these days just imagine a woman trying to get info out of the us military about a soldier back then. almost if not impposible

So fast forward she is mid seventies now. she has had a good life in America. still works for a large airplane maker. i was gonna ask my wife to speak to her about taking a DNA test and running it in their databases and seeing if there are any hits. the child would be about 50 or so now.

So should i bring this subject up, or MMOB? She has always been nice to me and i think it would be such a sad situation for her to pass and not see her son. she already has 2 sons from someone she married when she came to America .

So what do you think?

 

[WobblyElvis]

That's not a can of worms, that's a barrel.
I'm sure she is aware of DNA testing and other ways of getting in touch with someone. Let her think of it herself.

 

[andyd]

About 3 yrs ago my wife received a call from an English woman. She was a natural child of Marina's father who died back in '81. My FIL was a poor excuse for a man in many ways. The damage he caused is ongoing, 37 yrs later.

 

[Tom NJ]

DNA testing is fun, but can have consequences if people are found that don't want to be found.

I took three DNA tests and each listed many relatives from their data bases, all cousins of some degree. Many I already knew about, but others were new to me and we communicated with additional family information that helped me fill out my family tree. You can opt out of sharing your information with others if you like, but I have nothing to hide and wanted to expand my family knowledge.

In one case I was contacted by a man who showed as a 2nd cousin in a data base. His father was adopted so he had zero information on that side of his family and wanted to know his roots. While I never met his father, I did know of him as he was indeed my 1st cousin and was removed from my aunt as an infant due to family abuse.

I was able to give the son a full family tree on his paternal side back to the early 1800s, but before doing so cautioned him that he should not share the information with his father without first having a discussion. Turns out his father, who is now in his seventies, is quite content with his adoptive family and absolutely does not want to know who his biological parents were at all, so the son kept the information for himself and his siblings.

One needs to be careful about dispensing information as some people may learn information they didn't want to know. In your case you wife's aunt may want to finally meet her son, but her son may not want to meet her or learn that the lady he always thought was his mother is not.

DNA testing can be fun and enlightening, but tread lightly.

 

[Triple_Se7en]

Some things are best said unsaid (to yourself only).
Some doings are best to stay undone.
Not always best to know the unknown and dig where there's possibly no foundation to grow roots from.

 

[E150GT]

I have thought about this before. My mother was adopted from Japan to the us when she was 3. Her mother was Japanese and her father an American soldier. To think I have a whole family in Japan and another in the us that I don’t know about is fascinating. Neither myself or my 5 siblings have ever decided to persue it. We are pretty content.

 

[JLTD]

Originally Posted By: WhyMe
i have been watching vids of people being reunited with long lost loved ones via these DNA test. i wonder how well they work to find someone.

my wife has a aunt that lived in Vietnam till the mids 70's . apparently in the mid 60's she had a relationship with an american military officer and had a child. she thought they were to get married, but unknown to her he was already married in the states. when confronted he told he that him and his wife had planned this to have a child as she could not have children. Then he disappeared with the child and she has never heard from them since.

these were times before the internet etc where finding people is less difficult these days just imagine a woman trying to get info out of the us military about a soldier back then. almost if not impposible

So fast forward she is mid seventies now. she has had a good life in America. still works for a large airplane maker. i was gonna ask my wife to speak to her about taking a DNA test and running it in their databases and seeing if there are any hits. the child would be about 50 or so now.

So should i bring this subject up, or MMOB? She has always been nice to me and i think it would be such a sad situation for her to pass and not see her son. she already has 2 sons from someone she married when she came to America .

So what do you think?


Leave it rest. If she ever expresses interest, then offer help.

 

[gfh77665]

I was adopted in October, 1963. After debating for YEARS about taking the DNA test, I decided against it.

THEN, I came to the realization that although I did not "need" to find my birth parents, I realized there is another side to the equation. The thought occoured to me that someone COULD be near the end of their life, either activly searching for me, OR just always wondering what became of me.

Since I have had a great life, I decided to do it, knowing I could perhaps provide some closure to some elderly person. I was less than optimistic that I would find anyone still alive. As it turned out my birth momther did pass in 2007, but my birth father is alive and well, and lives just 30 minutes away. Not only that, but I have 5 half siblings, and I have met 3 of them already.

As it turned out my test results linked two of the "lost" siblings to him (and me), so, I was the missing link in the puzzle for both of them. (The other three was raised as his children, and another one is deceased). Incidentally, he did not even know I existed. I was the product of a New Years Eve party encounter on 12-31-62, and he never knew...

Bottom line is that it did pay off, mostly for others. He had wondered for years what became of the other two siblings. Even though I was a "surprise" to everyone, my test results made the connections possible. I am glad I did it.

 

[JLTD]

Originally Posted By: gfh77665
I was adopted in October, 1963. After debating for YEARS about taking the DNA test, I decided against it.

THEN, I came to the realization that although I did not "need" to find my birth parents, I realized there is another side to the equation. The thought occoured to me that someone COULD be near the end of their life, either activly searching for me, OR just always wondering what became of me.

Since I have had a great life, I decided to do it, knowing I could perhaps provide some closure to some elderly person. I was less than optimistic that I would find anyone still alive. As it turned out my birth momther did pass in 2007, but my birth father is alive and well, and lives just 30 minutes away. Not only that, but I have 5 half siblings, and I have met 3 of them already.

As it turned out my test results linked two of the "lost" siblings to him (and me), so, I was the missing link in the puzzle for both of them. (The other three was raised as his children, and another one is deceased). Incidentally, he did not even know I existed. I was the product of a New Years Eve party encounter on 12-31-62, and he never knew...

Bottom line is that it did pay off, mostly for others. He had wondered for years what became of the other two siblings. Even though I was a "surprise" to everyone, my test results made the connections possible. I am glad I did it.


Great story, but what if you'd decided firmly AGAINST ever checking, and someone was pushing you to check?

 

[Eddie]

I can hardly think of a better way to open old wounds and upset so many people as to this method. Don't get me started on this type of messing with other peoples lives for some self satisfaction. End.

 

[dishdude]

I have no interest in ancestry or this DNA testing.

 

[supton]

I find it moderately interesting, but haven't pursued any DNA. Couple years ago I did come across another person with the same last name, did some digging, and did find out that we were related (albeit had to go back 350 years). I find it interesting but not something I'd spend lots of time on.

Although it'd be interesting if we could determine if it was Scotland or England that we came from. Record keeping being a bit tricky back then and all.

 

[gfh77665]

Originally Posted By: JLTD

Great story, but what if you'd decided firmly AGAINST ever checking, and someone was pushing you to check?


Thats pretty much what happened here. My adopted brother (shares no blood with me) did his search about 5 years ago. He did then push me to do mine, so much so he wanted to buy the test for me. I declined for years, until as I said, I started to try to view it from the lens of the other (partental) side. I actually thought it would be a bit selfish to not give a potetial birth parent the chance to find me and have closure...if they were indeed looking.

I pass no judgement on anyones personal choice to do it or not. Just speaking for me though, it was the right thing. I feel gratified I linked people together, even if my existance was never known about until now.

 

[simple_gifts]

The Golden State Killer was caught by using ancestry DNA tests from other people in his family.

The privacy policy might be a good document to review prior to submitting a sample; Perhaps they will sell it to your life/health insurance company.
They are prevented by law from using it, but .... you know.

DoD 'should have' a sample of mine; it was collected prior to deploying overseas.

JMO.

 

[OilFilters]

I simply will not allow anybody else to sample my DNA without a court order. Not that I really have anything to hide...but I DO NOT want that in a database somewhere. Can't possibly lead to anything good.

My aunt recently did a DNA test with ancestry.com and found out our family is mostly Scandinavian. I've always been told we were Irish, and I certainly look the part. My grandpa thought he was Irish his whole life but I guess he was wrong.

 

[andyd]

Oil Filters, your Scandinavians. plundered Ireland and England up to when they all went off to the Crusades. Fitz is a Norman name. Norman = North man = Viking. They did a lot of moving around after the fall of Rome.

 

[Andrew1972]

I would leave it be.

I am agnostic but hope there is a special place in “[censored]” for the us officer you describe.

 

[Al]

The DNA discussions always brings out the tinfoilhats

 

[Shannow]

Originally Posted By: Al
The DNA discussions always brings out the tinfoilhats


There's a difference in throwing your hat in the ring at this stage in life Al, and throwing your hat in the ring and having 60 years for people to take potty in the hat.

Here in Oz, they have challenged publicly, on national TV for every male in a country town to voluntarily donate DNA to prove their innocence of a crime that they can't solve...to not donate means that you have something to hide.

The slippery slope is that the heel [censored] cards have been collected forever to "diagnose cystic fibrosis" and the like early on...and people are still getting it late in life...but they keep the heel [censored].

For a reason.

 

[bradepb]

My wife and I recently did Ancestry DNA.
Pretty much what we expected but my wife who can trace several generations back to Germany on both parents side is actually 21% scandinavian and 17% Ireland /Scotland/ Wales. Quite a surprise to her parents who thought they were pure German.
Really no such thing as pure German etc. because people migrated around so much centurys ago.