How to deal with family member that drinks heavily

That's a sign of something else.

I'd venture a guess she defends him because she is going to pay for it when she gets home if she does not
Good point. Chances are, if you "poke the bear," she's the one it will maul.

Aside from avoiding the drinker to protect yourself, it seems like your obligation here is to be supportive of your sister if she asks for it. You could communicate your concern for her, explain why you're staying away, and maybe suggest Al-anon for her.

Regarding your mother's conversation with her about alcoholism 30 years ago, sister now has 30 more years of education in the matter.
 
When over my head in these types of circumstances, I first attempt to self -educate myself. I.E., a Google search offers a plethora of excellent information: https://www.google.com/search?q=dea...2YAwCIBgGSBwQyMi4xoAf0ZA&sclient=gws-wiz-serp OR https://www.google.com/search?q=in+...ATEgQIgGAZAGBZIHATagB5EU&sclient=gws-wiz-serp

Knowing that self help via books/internet is difficult to follow through with, my second attempt is usually professional help. Lots of resources already exist to provide assistance. Why try to re-invent the wheel when this subject matter has been dealt with for ages and there is lots of help available.

Best wishes on a VERY difficult situation. EDIT: Accepting JeffKeryk's definition below might make acceptance/dealing better for the OP. This is ALL about him learning how to deal.

 
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@Joe1 now you know why they call Alcoholism a family disease; it affects everyone. Everyone reacts differently and everyone plays different roles.

In my sobriety I have learned:
Sobriety is not for those who need it
Sobriety is not for those who want it.
Sobriety is for those who work it.

In your case, I would talk to your Doctor and perhaps check out Alanon.
Fair warning; it is generally a tough road and few recover. Alcoholism is a progressive disease; it gets forever worse, never better.
Half measures availed us nothing.

Best of luck to you and your family.
 
So the guy is a mean drunk and has been so for years?
All you can really do is cut him loose.
Don't allow the problems of someone else to become yours.
He is not your problem or concern.
 
You do nothing. You stop going places where he'll be as well and remind others "since 'he' will be there, I'm not going".
This.

Don't be mean about it, just be truthful. "He can't come to our house because he drinks and rages" "We aren't coming to the gathering if he is there, because he drinks and rages". Just tell the truth. If his wife stops speaking to you, then so be it.

You can't fix him, don't even try for one second.
 
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Here's a few golden nuggets of how to deal with the few really bad apples:

Mark Twain : " Never argue with a fool, bystanders may not be able to destiinguish the two."

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The way a friends father phrased it many years ago: "If you argue with a fool long enough, you eventually realize they are doing the same thing."

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You can't fix stupid.

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Sometimes though rarely, things do reach a point where you are much better cutting a toxic person totally and completely out of your life. Because good people don't want to ever do this to anyone, they are slow to realize the few times it is the proper thing to do.

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In case you are dealing with a Narcissist, you should know how to recognize one.

A Narcissist is a person who thrives on manipulating people and trying to get them to think that they have to solve their ( the Narcissists ) problems. If a person is a Narcissist, recognize it. The following are some key ways to deal with Narcissist, that will also make them mad, which should highlight to you that they are a Narcissist. Once this is recognized by you, it's time to cut all ties to them.

Things to say to a Narcissist to stop them in their attempts to manipulate you, and also allow you to recognize them for what they are when they get mad.

1) I'm not intrested in arguing with you.

2) That's your opinion, not mine.

3) I'm not responsible for your feelings.

4) NO.

5) I don't need your approval.

6) I'm done with this conversation.

7) End the interaction entirely.

8) I refuse to participate in your toxic dynamics.

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I myself was slow to learn some of these things.

Good luck.
 
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Putting down an ultimatum is the only way you're going to shield yourself from it. It sounds like your sister is a classic enabler and he really won't be able to get help until she realizes how bad it is and lays down her own ultimatums. I know that the "U" word strikes a chord with many people, but I believe in tough love, while others lay out their bleeding hearts in these situations. When family members realize they won't be seeing you at holidays until this is resolved, it may either force action on their part, or they may be fine with you excluding yourself from family events. It depends on how much this disease has spread to the people surrounding him.

I'm of the mindset that just because people are my family members doesn't mean I have to love them or be involved with them. They're the same human beings as anyone on the street and if their values don't match yours, and uncomfortable situations arise from severe alcoholism that's allowed to run rampant, you have to be willing to walk away in order to protect yourself and your family. You've been verbally attacked by him, you have every cause to step away. If they choose to continue inviting him with full knowledge of what has transpired and how you feel about it, the disease is pretty thick in your family and it's not only him that is in need of counseling. If they do the right thing and tell him not to return until he's well, your family's priorities are still in focus.

Family gatherings are not the place for extreme drunkenness and verbal abuse. Don't lose your perspective just because they're "family". You have to stand up for you and yours.

Alcoholism is defined as a disease, but when compared to cancer, diabetes, or other "true" diseases that cannot be helped, I find myself thin on patience or understanding, as it began with a choice. Why should you and your family have to suffer?
 
When family members realize they won't be seeing you at holidays until this is resolved, it may either force action on their part, or they may be fine with you excluding yourself from family events. It depends on how much this disease has spread to the people surrounding him.

You should be prepared for no one else to follow your lead. Lots of people are averse to conflict. They think ignoring it is the easist approach.
 
I hear all the time how family is the most important thing, etc.

But I couldn’t disagree more. Family is made of the people you decide to fill your circle with. It should only be people who deserve to be around you and who treat you well. Put your foot down, tell them why you will have nothing to do with them if he’s around, and move on. It’s something I’m working on now as well.
 
Does your sister drink?

Has this guy ever seen himself on video while drunk?
My sister hardly ever drank until recent years. I had distanced myself from her for a few years, but had to interact with her more often after our parents needed care in their later years. They are both deceased now.

The one thing that l noticed after very limited contact for a number of years was my sister took a liking to hitting the bottle. I asked my father if he saw the same thing as l did and he wholeheartedly agreed. He went on to say that my mother also noticed it before she passed and was quite concerned about it.

Don't know if he's ever seen himself on video while drunk. I met my share of heavy drinkers in the Army. This guy could keep up with the best of them with the added bonus of being nasty when intoxicated.
So the guy is a mean drunk and has been so for years?
All you can really do is cut him loose.
Don't allow the problems of someone else to become yours.
He is not your problem or concern.
Mean for decades. He passes subtle digs and insults when sober. The wheels come off the track when intoxicated.
 


Is there a tactful way of approaching the subject without offending anyone?
I’m not sure what you think you will accomplish?
So why approach anything? Your sister knows your feelings, nothing is going to change him so don’t be around his him is the only solution.
Don’t tear yourself up over this. Your not going to fix him or your sister. You shouldn’t feel you need to look for a solution that doesn’t exist except to stay away. I know it must be hard but it’s the only solution
 
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No invite to your event and decline invite to any event he is. Preserve your own wife and children and cherish the time with them. Make good memories. Believe me, if the intoxicated person is at any event it’s ruined. The memories of that ugliness will be ingrained in your family’s mind forever. I grew up in a situation like this. My own dad. Many holidays, birthdays, and vacations ruined. I despise the memories that those drunken antics created….
 
imho the fact that the subject has said "horrific" things about OP and his family, would it be wrong for OP to simply not have contact with this person again? Is it a brother in-law, and if so, so what? Does he somehow get a free pass where everybody sees what the subject does, and they defend him? I can imagine if all of the above is true, what makes it difficult is it's a relative. But, still, as a brother in-law, I would say that is not necessarily the person who would be responsible for correcting the behavior. If a brother, that's totally different.

At any rate I do empathize. In my life, the only drama is provided by my wife's side of the family. Mine is too small, and, not "that" close where we would have conflict and feuds, etc.

I just can't help but feel that no problem would give a person the right to say bad things about someone else. Oh, he has a drinking problem, don't mind him. I don't think that's right. My only solution is to avoid the subject, avoid get togethers when he's around, sober or drunk.
 
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