How to deal with family member that drinks heavily

Unfortunately you’re in a no win situation with an addict and potentially an enabler.

Confront the issue/s and you’re going to be the bad guy. Tune him up for crossing the line and being disrespectful and you’re going to be the bad guy. Distance yourself from the toxic environment altogether and you’re going to be the bad guy. Anything you do other than quietly take it and you’re going to be the bad guy. But even then you’re still probably going to be the bad guy. Because that is how the cycle of abuse and addiction works. Hurt people will hurt people.

You just have to decide what kind of life you want to live and who you want to live it around at this point.
 
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I bumped in to this about 18 months ago. We got within 1/2 a second of a fist fight. We will never be at another gathering that he's at, and he's not welcome at my house. He still drinks a lot. I have reduced relationships with a few of my family members because we see them less often. In the end, my family is better off for it, but the situation does weigh on me, even though I know I made the right choice.

All of my family members who heard about what heppend have their own stories, and understand it, but none were willing to draw a line in the sand like I did.

In terms of family related priorities, my wife and kids are higher up than everyone else.
 
Joe1 said:
Mother is now deceased, but she wasn't afraid to call him out to my sister. My brother and l declined invites on holidays so many times that we no longer get invited. Her husband would drink non-stop with a beet red face while others would be tense wondering if his bad side would come out. It was a relief not going there on the 25th.
It may be easier to avoid him than poking the bear. My sister doesn't have any friends that l know of that are her actual friends and not from the husbands circle. She may be totally dependent on him for a social life and that may be a reason why she enables his behavior. But l am not knowledgeable about this topic. All l know is my sister will defend him and his behavior and will blame others first.
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Seems like it's resolved you don't see him anymore. Your sister you can always pick her up and take out for lunch without him on a weekend but absolutely don't talk about him while eating.
 
Hall said:
You do nothing. You stop going places where he'll be as well and remind others "since 'he' will be there, I'm not going".
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This is one approach - I find this approach leaves no room for the person to make the change.

By pinning your company to sobriety, you communicate it's the behavior when drinking you dont approve of, vs. the person when they are sober.

Now it could very well be the guy is a jerk sober, but I like to offer up the condition we can meet halfway on.
 
ripcord said:
It sounds like this was a holiday event related thing? It may suck but seriously consider making future family events "dry."

"Oh, sorry, we didn't plan any beer or drinks this time."
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This particular event wasn't holiday related. Our last family event was a post funeral (for our father) dinner at a restaurant a few days after the alcohol event l had with him. He was drinking shots and was highly intoxicated making others feel uncomfortable.
I arrived late to the dinner and was not surprised he got stupid drunk. I stayed briefly and left, but didn't say anything about it to my sister because l kind of felt sorry for her.
 
Talk to your sister,( sounds like she may be an enabler) offer to talk to him when he is sober.
The context should be, you may not realize it but when you drink, this happens( describe behaviors).
We love you but we can't be around you(him) when he is drinking.
If he wants help here are some resources ( AA, treatment options).
We are not going to argue, we want the best for him. But we can no longer tolerate this behavior as normal.
It's abusive and we will no longer be subjected to it.
The ball is in your court.
 
May be worth seeing if there's an Al-Anon meeting nearby. You'll be with people who have dealt/are dealing with similar situations.
 
spasm3 said:
Talk to your sister,( sounds like she may be an enabler) offer to talk to him when he is sober.
The context should be, you may not realize it but when you drink, this happens( describe behaviors).
We love you but we can't be around you(him) when he is drinking.
If he wants help here are some resources ( AA, treatment options).
We are not going to argue, we want the best for him. But we can no longer tolerate this behavior as normal.
It's abusive and we will no longer be subjected to it.
The ball is in your court.
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My mother tried talking to my sister about his alcoholism 30+ years ago. It did not resonate with my sister and fractured the relationship between mother and sister. If anything, l would say his condition has gotten worse over the years.
 
With an alcoholic everyone is wrong, except them. Most are pretty smart and will align themselves with people who will defend and often enable them. The best thing to do is avoid them. They won't get help until they want it, so talking to the alcoholic or one of their enablers is a fools errand. Good luck.
 
Joe1 said:
It did not resonate with my sister and fractured the relationship between mother and sister.
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Yep, that meshes with my experience.

I made a decision with regard to it, other family members made theirs (even if it's inaction), unfortonately the outcome means we see them all far less. I didn't choose to see other family members less, just him, but that's the outcome.
 
I'm sorry, I've got work.
I'm sorry, I'm not feeling well enough to get out.
I'm sorry, some friends and I have prior plans.
I'm sorry, it's just not a good time.
I'm sorry, but truthfully I'm just not feeling it this season.
I'm sorry, that's a hunting weekend.

And I'm sure plenty of others. Good luck with a bad situation.
 
Joe1 said:
My mother tried talking to my sister about his alcoholism 30+ years ago. It did not resonate with my sister and fractured the relationship between mother and sister. If anything, l would say his condition has gotten worse over the years.
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If it fractures the relationship, so be it.
Eliminate toxic people from your life.

The conversation probably won't go well but you are exhibiting control and drawing a line in the sand. They change, or they are not in your life.

Edit: if you put up with it after that point , it's your fault.

What you permit, you promote.
 
Joe1 said:
My sister doesn't have any friends that l know of that are her actual friends and not from the husbands circle. She may be totally dependent on him for a social life and that may be a reason why she enables his behavior.
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That's a sign of something else.

I'd venture a guess she defends him because she is going to pay for it when she gets home if she does not
 
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