Not Wanting To Be Involved In Siblings Wedding

Bailes1992

Bailes1992

Joined
Mar 10, 2017
Messages
1,866
Location
South Wales, UK
This is a weird one, admittedly. Bit of a rant that I need to get off my chest but I'd appreciate some feedback. I'm being made to feel like I'm in the wrong here and I don't believe I am.

My Sister got engaged 2-3 years ago and made whispers to my Wife that her soon-to-be Husband was going to ask me to be a Groomsman.

I got hold of her and my own parents and made it quite clear that I absolutely did not want to be involved. I generally dislike weddings, especially the large, fancy, pretentious wedding she was going on about. In addition, the thought of getting up in front of hundreds of people, the prep, wedding rehearsals etc wasn't something I had time or mental capacity for.

6 months ago in conversation she brought up about the plans for me to be a groomsman. I made it clear again I appreciate it but I absolutely do not want to be involved. I dislike weddings and it was the exact reason that my Wife and I went to Gretna Green 320miles away to get married on our own (well, our parents came). My Sister, my Parents and my Auntie all started making out that I was the bad guy for not wanting to be a groomsman and guilted me into agreeing to it on the basis that my sisters future husband was struggling for groomsman having had a number of people pull out.

It's at this time I feel that I should mention my relationship with my sister future husband. I can count the number of conversations I've had with her future husband on one hand. We are very different people, and while I'm sure he's very nice, I don't know him from Adam. I know nothing about him and struggle to even speak to him as he's a very non-practical person and only into sports and I am the total opposite. It was always my understanding that a groomsman was supposed to be the grooms best and closest friends. No?

So after being nagged and guilted into agreeing to it, I had to go and be measured for a suit yesterday. Here comes the part I'm quite angry about, one of the main reasons for me giving-in to being involved was that her fiancé was struggling for a groomsman having had his brother pull out in what I believe was down to a childcare issue (they've planned the wedding for a Thursday, 100miles away from everyone) which is why I begrudgingly agreed. It turns out, I'm groomsman number 6.

In addition, while getting measured for a suit, the suit they've chose is an off-the-shelf item that comes in 'skinny-fit' only and absolutely would not fit me correctly and generally be uncomfortable.

I've spent all night wide awake stressing about potentially having to stand up in front of 150-200 people (the majority of which I don't know), wearing a suit that doesn't fit and is uncomfortable, with people don't really like or have anything in common with, etc. I'm ready to pull out. No suits have been bought for me and there's plenty of groomsman so I don't even see why I'm needed. But I know a wrath from my family is going to come my way.
 
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- Buy a suit that fits. You need one anyway.
- Get over your internal excuses and grant your sister this wish.
- It’s important to her, and this is, after all, all about her, not you.

Sometimes in life we do A LOT of things for family we don’t like. And we do it with smiles on our faces, and with bells on.

And don’t complain about the distance. I once went from the US to Wales (Monmouthshire to be precie) for a wedding I didn’t want to attend. And it was fun!
 
When something like that bothers me so much that I cannot sleep because it is wreaking havoc in my mind, the best course is to not deal with that sort of chaos. Some people can judge you but only you have to live with the decision. It might be selfish but why live with that sort of chaos? I think you're being told not to be part of it for a reason. Follow those instincts!

How many times have I felt a little "off" and not drive on a certain road or been delayed. Only to find out a major highway accident happened on that route and if I had gone that way I would have been in that accident! As I've gotten older, more experience, I've realized those are not frivolous things to dismiss. Those are real and you're being guided.

Sure, it's sad that this future husband/brother in law has had so many pull out as a groomsman, but I'm with you, don't go. It's not something to ignore because others tell you that it's "no big deal".. I guess I've made my point... I wouldn't go and I agree with you not to.
 
It's a tough one. You really are making the point that you don't want to be involved. And your reasons are valid as far as you're concerned. If you really don't want to be a part of this, then pull out. And let the chips fall where they may.

I don't have any idea how close you and your sister are, but this will no doubt cause a lot of friction if you do pull out. I'm much like you, but fortunately have no siblings. And at my age that suits me right down to the ground. I'm too old to be cleaning up family messes.

You have to make the call. Basically, you can eat it and go through with it. (It's only going to be a few hours). Or else in the words of the late Nancy Reagan, "Just say no". Let us know either way, along with how the whole thing goes down.
 
My guess is that you're actually balancing for your sister and the number of bridesmaids she wants to have. Personally I would suck it up for you sister and just do it. It's her day and she's your sis rather than your sister-in-law. The rehearsal for the ceremony will take and hour of your time. As of the suit, well no better time like the present to cut out fish-n-chips, shepherd's pies, and spotted dck. LOL
 
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BMWTurboDzl said:
My guess is that you're actually balancing for your sister and the number of bridesmaids she wants to have. Personally I would suck it up for you sister and just do it. It's her day and she's your sis rather than your sister-in-law. The rehearsal for the ceremony will take and hour of your time. As of the suit, well no better time like the present to cut out fish-n-chips, shepherd's pies, and spotted dck.
Click to expand...

It’s almost Christmas. Be kind to the boy!
 
6 groomsmen? Hate to tell you but no one is going to be looking at you during the ceremony. All eyes will be on your sister. Time to take one for the team. PS- Having anxiety in front of a crowd is normal, however it will be very freeing for you when you face your fears and just do it. You will experience that it is not nearly as bad as you thought. (easy for me to say, right?)
 
I don't think you can take into consideration your relationship with your future brother in law as why you don't want to be a groomsman.

The real issue should be what type of relationship have you had with your sister in the past. Has she been loyal to you repeatedly? Has she been there when you needed her? Is she a nice person? Would she do the same for you? Do you love and and does she love you that you want the best for each other? If your answer is no to these questions you are under no obligation to move forward but it will drive a wedge between you, your sister and family. Be loyal and extend yourself to people who have shown these qualities to you.
 
You should not have let them shame you into agreeing to do this. You have every right to say NO to this sort of thing. You made your feelings known to them and they were wrong to pressure you into it. Having said that, now that you agreed to do it, you made your bed and you should sleep in it.
 
georgemiller said:
I don't think you can take into consideration your relationship with your future brother in law as why you don't want to be a groomsman.

The real issue should be what type of relationship have you had with your sister in the past. Has she been loyal to you repeatedly? Has she been there when you needed her? Is she a nice person? Would she do the same for you? Do you love and and does she love you that you want the best for each other? If your answer is no to these questions you are under no obligation to move forward but it will drive a wedge between you, your sister and family. Be loyal and extend yourself to people who have shown these qualities to you.
Click to expand...
Oh wow, very tough decision here. It really could go either way depending on information you have not shared with us. I think that georgemiller has some very important points here. This could be a turning point in your future family relationships. You might end up feeling better internally for standing up for your principles, but your family relationships might suffer. That's perfectly fine if your are ready for that.

EDIT: your continuing remarks indicate that you should be very honest with them and tell them this is causing huge anxiety.
 
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To the OP:
I agree with you about "large, fancy, pretentious weddings". I never want to attend another one or have any part in one. I also find it ballsy when a couple list themselves on expensive 'wedding registries' and expect people to pay huge prices for their gift. It's all the more ridiculous when most weddings don't last "until death do us part" anymore.***

PS: New York weddings are probably the most obnoxious in the country....the guests are expected to gift enough to pay for everything including the 6 to 12 piece band, cocktail hour, etc....and of course the out of town weddings (and bachelor/bachelorette parties).etc...If you don't put $500 in the gift envelope you're considered cheap....and that's on top of the bridal shower gift and the other aforementioned expenses. Several years ago I went to one of these narcissistic events and the couple broke up on the honeymoon.
If you don't want to be part of the 'event'....say so.

***It seems a lot of people are emulating Hollywood 'celebrities' these days....you know... the people whose lives are a mess but have a lot to say on most issues.
 
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pbm said:
To the OP:
I agree with you about "large, fancy, pretentious weddings".
If you don't want to be part of the 'event'....say so.
Click to expand...
I agree.

As I stated, OP has his selfish reasons.

Buck up. Go. Buck and not go.

Not at lot of middle ground. I will just say, OP will recover from his own drama faster than dealing with family in the future.
 
One one hand unfortunately you've agreed to do this in spite of saying 2-3 years ago you wouldn't.

One the other hand it sounds like you have very real psychological issues with being in front of a crowd, how you look in front of a crowd, allowing yourself to be coerced into it, etc.

Nobody here can tell you what to do and only you know the personal and family consequences of going or not going.
 
There will be at least 15 people at the front of the church. You could be wearing hip boots and a jock strap, and no one would notice. Weddings are stressful enough under the best of circumstances, give your dear sister this one small concession on her wedding day.
 
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