Not Wanting To Be Involved In Siblings Wedding

[JHZR2]

I get it that weddings have become an oversized industry, with too much bling, too much glamour, too much "I deserve" many times. And the "events" to keep folks entertained can become extraordinarily expensive. Especially if youre not very close, being caught up in the costs of doing that is an issue that faces many folks.

But to be unable to sleep because of the concern of this points to other issues that OP should probably get looked at in private. Its outside the scope of this board, but it is an issue.

OP, you can say no. Its not the best advice, IMO, but you could do so. You could say yes with caveats - suit doesnt fit, will find another that is close, etc. The issue of anyone looking at you is more or less moot, unless you bring some abnormal exposure upon yourself through your actions or look. The wedding isnt about you, and while the concept of such a large wedding party may seem silly to many, its their choice.

I think you need to get past your concerns, and do it, unless there is a real significant cost or accessibility issue. Then you need to figure out why it is keeping you up at night, and what may be a good way to calm your mind through appropriate coping methods.

 

[97prizm]

This is a weird one, admittedly. Bit of a rant that I need to get off my chest but I'd appreciate some feedback. I'm being made to feel like I'm in the wrong here and I don't believe I am.

My Sister got engaged 2-3 years ago and made whispers to my Wife that her soon-to-be Husband was going to ask me to be a Groomsman.

I got hold of her and my own parents and made it quite clear that I absolutely did not want to be involved. I generally dislike weddings, especially the large, fancy, pretentious wedding she was going on about. In addition, the thought of getting up in front of hundreds of people, the prep, wedding rehearsals etc wasn't something I had time or mental capacity for.

6 months ago in conversation she brought up about the plans for me to be a groomsman. I made it clear again I appreciate it but I absolutely do not want to be involved. I dislike weddings and it was the exact reason that my Wife and I went to Gretna Green 320miles away to get married on our own (well, our parents came). My Sister, my Parents and my Auntie all started making out that I was the bad guy for not wanting to be a groomsman and guilted me into agreeing to it on the basis that my sisters future husband was struggling for groomsman having had a number of people pull out.

It's at this time I feel that I should mention my relationship with my sister future husband. I can count the number of conversations I've had with her future husband on one hand. We are very different people, and while I'm sure he's very nice, I don't know him from Adam. I know nothing about him and struggle to even speak to him as he's a very non-practical person and only into sports and I am the total opposite. It was always my understanding that a groomsman was supposed to be the grooms best and closest friends. No?

So after being nagged and guilted into agreeing to it, I had to go and be measured for a suit yesterday. Here comes the part I'm quite angry about, one of the main reasons for me giving-in to being involved was that her fiancé was struggling for a groomsman having had his brother pull out in what I believe was down to a childcare issue (they've planned the wedding for a Thursday, 100miles away from everyone) which is why I begrudgingly agreed. It turns out, I'm groomsman number 6.

In addition, while getting measured for a suit, the suit they've chose is an off-the-shelf item that comes in 'skinny-fit' only and absolutely would not fit me correctly and generally be uncomfortable.

I've spent all night wide awake stressing about potentially having to stand up in front of 150-200 people (the majority of which I don't know), wearing a suit that doesn't fit and is uncomfortable, with people don't really like or have anything in common with, etc. I'm ready to pull out. No suits have been bought for me and there's plenty of groomsman so I don't even see why I'm needed. But I know a wrath from my family is going to come my way.

Sorry don't be "that" guy. Back in September my sister called me and ask if I'd be one of the groomsmen in her wedding. Her fiance's friend backed out last minute. I had met him twice and didn't know his friends or brother. My younger sister burned bridges as she had the same attitude of she doesn't like weddings. It's your sister's big day, be supportive of family. One day you may need want support. People remember this stuff for a loooong time. Sometimes you have to do stuff you don't like.

 

[Bailes1992]

But to be unable to sleep because of the concern of this points to other issues that OP should probably get looked at in private. Its outside the scope of this board, but it is an issue.

I just generally have a very full jar with a young family and a stressful job, things like this can cause the jar to overflow very quickly and easily. I take AD's which helps make my jar 'bigger' so to speak.

100% convinced I have undiagnosed ADHD, started the referral process for that with the doctor last month. May also have some autistic traits. My 5 year old Son has recently been put on the pathway for diagnosis and when speaking to professionals I learned that ADHD especially is profoundly genetic and a lot of my idiosyncrasies could be explained with ADHD.

 

[Bottom_Feeder]

Weddings are strange things. Everyone has their own idea of proper etiquette and what's considered reasonable and unreasonable requests of participants and guests. Thankfully my wife and I were on exactly the same page when it came to planning our own wedding. We didn't expect anyone to go to an expensive destination, dress a certain way, participate in anything they didn't want to, etc. We only had one person in each of our wedding parties and was officiated by someone close to us, and they were all more than happy to do it. It was a really nice time.

 

[JHZR2]

I just generally have a very full jar with a young family and a stressful job, things like this can cause the jar to overflow very quickly and easily. I take AD's which helps make my jar 'bigger' so to speak.

100% convinced I have undiagnosed ADHD, started the referral process for that with the doctor last month. May also have some autistic traits. My 5 year old Son has recently been put on the pathway for diagnosis and when speaking to professionals I learned that ADHD especially is profoundly genetic and a lot of my idiosyncrasies could be explained with ADHD.

I hear ya with work and kids. There are plenty of times where with work, school, and extracurricular activities, my wife and I get filled up and fed up a bit. Overscheduled I guess... and it just builds. Like we need another thing to do or worry about.

In school circles, we are hearing a lot about kids that are getting diagnosed with ADHD. Im sure all the electronics, tech, etc. doesnt help, but I dont know. But Ive heard some parents going down the path saying that they too have been diagnosed now that they know more. So its real...

But the key of me saying any of this is because its not healthy for you to be caught up to the point that you cant sleep or function. Get help, maybe more or different help, or a different coping mechanism. Its important for you! Best of luck!

 

[Astro14]

This is about supporting your sister, not you.

You make an unbelievable number of excuses to avoid doing the right thing.

Buy a suit. Show up. Do as asked.

Make her wedding about her, and her feelings, not you and yours.

 

[Bottom_Feeder]

That said, I was once asked to be in a friend's wedding party and I respectfully declined. It was a mixed Catholic/Jewish wedding and I, a devout atheist, would have been required to directly participate in religious rites from both sides. It made me hugely uncomfortable and they understood when I bowed out, thankfully.

 

[Bailes1992]

That said, I was once asked to be in a friend's wedding party and I respectfully declined. It was a mixed Catholic/Jewish wedding and I, a devout atheist, would have been required to directly participate in religious rites from both sides. It made me hugely uncomfortable and they understood when I bowed out, thankfully.

Must admit it's not something I've thought about previously, despite being an atheist myself. However, we had a religious ceremony for my Aunties funeral last week and I found it all a bit much. During the lords prayer I just bowed my head and stayed quiet. From now on I think that'll something else I may have to avoid!

As far as I know, my Sisters wedding is not religious in any way. But I'm going to check

 

[RDY4WAR]

I didn't attend any of my siblings' weddings. My brother attended the wedding for my first marriage, none attended the second. The first one was on a whim, kind of a "why not, let's just do it" kind of thing at the courthouse. My brother wanted to attend the second one, but he couldn't get away from work. I would've gladly attended my brother's wedding but he and his wife eloped to avoid the drama.

I completely agree on the giant pretentious wedding mess. My cousin got married a few years ago and spent over $40,000 on it. They saved for 6 years and still borrowed money to pay for it. It's even more crazy when you consider that both her and her husband are still paying on their student loans (and complaining about it) and renting an apartment. They complain about how bad the housing market is and cast blame for why they can't afford a house. They don't like it when I remind them that the $40k they spent on a wedding would've made a really good down payment in 2019-20 and gotten payments several hundreds less than their current rent per month. Needless to say, we don't speak much. I bring that stupid wedding up often. The last time she spoke to me was to ask me if I would fix her car after a shop told her it would be $800. I told her "You willingly and excitedly paid $2,600 extra to have more comfortable seating at your wedding for your 150 guests. I'm sure you can come up with $800 to fix your car." She hung up and hasn't spoken to me since.

 

[IndyIan]

Must admit it's not something I've thought about previously, despite being an atheist myself. However, we had a religious ceremony for my Aunties funeral last week and I found it all a bit much. During the lords prayer I just bowed my head and stayed quiet. From now on I think that'll something else I may have to avoid!

As far as I know, my Sisters wedding is not religious in any way. But I'm going to check

IMO, you don't have to be religious to be silent and respectful during a ceremony for someone else that's important to them and there family. I went to a catholic funeral service for my neighbor, and it was a different experience than I was used too, but the main thing is that his wife and family was there(not many of them are catholic) and they appreciated me being there.

 

[dogememe]

Honestly, as someone with social anxiety, I'd probably say no too.

 

[Bailes1992]

I didn't attend any of my siblings' weddings. My brother attended the wedding for my first marriage, none attended the second. The first one was on a whim, kind of a "why not, let's just do it" kind of thing at the courthouse. My brother wanted to attend the second one, but he couldn't get away from work. I would've gladly attended my brother's wedding but he and his wife eloped to avoid the drama.

I completely agree on the giant pretentious wedding mess. My cousin got married a few years ago and spent over $40,000 on it. They saved for 6 years and still borrowed money to pay for it. It's even more crazy when you consider that both her and her husband are still paying on their student loans (and complaining about it) and renting an apartment. They complain about how bad the housing market is and cast blame for why they can't afford a house. They don't like it when I remind them that the $40k they spent on a wedding would've made a really good down payment in 2019-20 and gotten payments several hundreds less than their current rent per month. Needless to say, we don't speak much. I bring that stupid wedding up often. The last time she spoke to me was to ask me if I would fix her car after a shop told her it would be $800. I told her "You willingly and excitedly paid $2,600 extra to have more comfortable seating at your wedding for your 150 guests. I'm sure you can come up with $800 to fix your car." She hung up and hasn't spoken to me since.

I don't really care about the cost. I know it's in excess of £30,000 and a comment was made yesterday by her future husband was that he was putting the suits on a credit card.

I do feel like the money would be better spent elsewhere. They own a 13 year old Ford Fiesta (their only car) that is literally falling to pieces. Or the money would be a good deposit on maybe a small flat or house somewhere they could rent out for a future income? But I'm not going to judge. But it wouldn't be my first choice.

My Wife and I (both introverts) went to Gretna Green to get married. It's 320ish miles away from where we live. We gave our parents the option to come if they wanted to, they both did. I was glad of that, but also glad we didn't have a huge audience. The wedding was £1,500 including 3 hotel rooms for 2 nights.

 

[97prizm]

I hear ya with work and kids. There are plenty of times where with work, school, and extracurricular activities, my wife and I get filled up and fed up a bit. Overscheduled I guess... and it just builds. Like we need another thing to do or worry about.

In school circles, we are hearing a lot about kids that are getting diagnosed with ADHD. Im sure all the electronics, tech, etc. doesnt help, but I dont know. But Ive heard some parents going down the path saying that they too have been diagnosed now that they know more. So its real...

But the key of me saying any of this is because its not healthy for you to be caught up to the point that you cant sleep or function. Get help, maybe more or different help, or a different coping mechanism. Its important for you! Best of luck!

Recent articles in medical journals now hint that Albert Einstein may have had ADD! He didn't excel in classes he wasn't interested in, wasn't very focused, and was traditionally thought of as a slacker "McFly" by his teachers. Yet somehow came up with relativity.

 

[SHOZ]

I have an issue with my sister and one of my son's family, the oldest grandson. But the real issue is my sister vs my son's wife. And then my sister tried to get me to intervene on her behalf. It went on for a year and I finally had to say that go screw yourself. It's not my problem. The problem is between wife and sister and it all came probably from a drunken FaceBook post as sister cannot remember what the problem is.

But the sister has always been one to make you feel guilty for not going along. That's finally over after nearly a lifetime.

 

[Finklejag]

Is this her 1st or 3rd wedding, asking for a friend?

 

[Owen Lucas]

Just do it and forget about it. Like someone said earlier, all eyes on the bride and groom.

It's not like you have to take care of a veil or wedding dress issues. You just stand there / sit in the front row.

Bailing out could be an excuse for infinite excuses to rag on your or cause drama in the future.

No one says you have to stay afterwards, use the "I got diarrhea" excuse, no one will question that!

 

[alarmguy]

Im surprised at some of the responses here.
The OP should stand his ground, explain to his sister why he will not to be in the wedding party.
SImple stuff. No one should feel pressured into anything they are not comfortable with and if the associated parties get upset about his decision. Well, guess what? He is better off without them. What normal person would not understand what he typed here?

I feel like he is a victim. He is his own person, not subject to the behavior of what others think he should do. Who would want anyone in their life that would not respect that?

 

[ls1mike]

Im surprised at some of the responses here.
The OP should stand his ground, explain to his sister why he preferred not to be in the wedding party.
SImple stuff. No one should feel pressured into anything they are not comfortable with and if the associated parties get upset about his decision. Well, guess what? He is better off without them. What normal person would not understand what he typed here?

Anyone who has done anything for someone even when they didn't want to. Not saying he is wrong, but that is part of life IMO.

 

[vavavroom]

Just a few thoughts.

Never agree to do anything you absolutely don't want to do.
Asking family members to do something you know they don't want to do is just as selfish as not wanting to participate in a family event.
Alcohol could be the solution.

 

[alarmguy]

Anyone who has done anything for someone even when they didn't want to. Not saying he is wrong, but that is part of life IMO.

Agree but you pick and choose, he has done things for people too. But you dont do everything for everyone at every request, even way more so when you lose sleep over it.