Not Wanting To Be Involved In Siblings Wedding

[TiGeo]

This isn't about you....

 

[Revving2Redline]

This is a weird one, admittedly. Bit of a rant that I need to get off my chest but I'd appreciate some feedback. I'm being made to feel like I'm in the wrong here and I don't believe I am.

My Sister got engaged 2-3 years ago and made whispers to my Wife that her soon-to-be Husband was going to ask me to be a Groomsman.

I got hold of her and my own parents and made it quite clear that I absolutely did not want to be involved. I generally dislike weddings, especially the large, fancy, pretentious wedding she was going on about. In addition, the thought of getting up in front of hundreds of people, the prep, wedding rehearsals etc wasn't something I had time or mental capacity for.

6 months ago in conversation she brought up about the plans for me to be a groomsman. I made it clear again I appreciate it but I absolutely do not want to be involved. I dislike weddings and it was the exact reason that my Wife and I went to Gretna Green 320miles away to get married on our own (well, our parents came). My Sister, my Parents and my Auntie all started making out that I was the bad guy for not wanting to be a groomsman and guilted me into agreeing to it on the basis that my sisters future husband was struggling for groomsman having had a number of people pull out.

It's at this time I feel that I should mention my relationship with my sister future husband. I can count the number of conversations I've had with her future husband on one hand. We are very different people, and while I'm sure he's very nice, I don't know him from Adam. I know nothing about him and struggle to even speak to him as he's a very non-practical person and only into sports and I am the total opposite. It was always my understanding that a groomsman was supposed to be the grooms best and closest friends. No?

So after being nagged and guilted into agreeing to it, I had to go and be measured for a suit yesterday. Here comes the part I'm quite angry about, one of the main reasons for me giving-in to being involved was that her fiancé was struggling for a groomsman having had his brother pull out in what I believe was down to a childcare issue (they've planned the wedding for a Thursday, 100miles away from everyone) which is why I begrudgingly agreed. It turns out, I'm groomsman number 6.

In addition, while getting measured for a suit, the suit they've chose is an off-the-shelf item that comes in 'skinny-fit' only and absolutely would not fit me correctly and generally be uncomfortable.

I've spent all night wide awake stressing about potentially having to stand up in front of 150-200 people (the majority of which I don't know), wearing a suit that doesn't fit and is uncomfortable, with people don't really like or have anything in common with, etc. I'm ready to pull out. No suits have been bought for me and there's plenty of groomsman so I don't even see why I'm needed. But I know a wrath from my family is going to come my way.

Give this one up to , tomorrow is a fresh day,let not your heart be troubled. You can overcome this in many ways...1) benzodiazapines, great for DT's and Lawyer BAR exams/College Finals and...Weddings. Don't mix w booze.

2) Explain to level headed people that you have some what sounds to be claustrophobic or panic attacks and don't want to foul up the show. Ask what time the cake shows up and be there precisely 30 seconds prior


3) Flu, RSV, and "other foreign" colds are on the rise. You might have been "exposed" and are taking one for the team by missing out on the festivities to protect all involved. In fairness, tell them to bring you two pieces of cake and you will eat it extra slow to simulate that you were there in spirit.

Best of luck, it can always be worse, and if you truly believe that going into a high role of a activity is too much...don't do it. Too many people have strokes and heart attacks from the seasonal stress. Hope I helped you ..and everyone else in here with a laugh and an opinion.

 

[Bailes1992]

This isn't about you....

When it results in sleepless nights, stress and anxiety it is absolutely about me. I didn't ask to be involved, I was asked and then everyone got annoyed when I said no.

Anyway, I've let everyone know I'm absolutely not going to be involved. I explained that I only said yes because I was told after I'd already said no that the Grooms Brother had pulled out of being a Groomsman and there was nobody else to fill the place, at no point was I told there were 6 groomsman and I thought this was them being deliberately misleading. I've also made it clear to everyone that I can attend as a guest or not at all if it's that much of a problem. It's no skin off my nose as I dislike weddings.

Nobody's said anything to me yet.

 

[Oro_O]

When it results in sleepless nights, stress and anxiety it is absolutely about me….

Unless it’s ACTUALLY about your sister’s wedding. In which case it’s now called Narcism.

“Adulthood” is in fact, not for everyone. At least you know where you fall on the spectrum now.

 

[Bailes1992]

Unless it’s ACTUALLY about your sister’s wedding. In which case it’s now called Narcism.

“Adulthood” is in fact, not for everyone. At least you know where you fall on the spectrum now.

The definition of Narcissism is to have a high importance of ones self. I don't believe that's what I'm doing here.

I'm simply saying that between a high stress job and family life with two young children and a Wife who also works full time, I do not have the capacity to be dealing with an active part in a wedding. I don't see how this fits in with that definition at all.

 

[4WD]

The definition of Narcissism is to have a high importance of ones self. I don't believe that's what I'm doing here.

I'm simply saying that between a high stress job and family life with two young children and a Wife who also works full time, I do not have the capacity to be dealing with an active part in a wedding. I don't see how this fits in with that definition at all.

Seems you listed several other reasons as well …
I have missed a number of life events just being at work overseas …
Family members say things about that being a wrong priority - but I have also been the bail out bank for them …
Well, at least we get to choose our friends

 

[Pablo]

When it results in sleepless nights, stress and anxiety

I'm glad in a way you made a decision.

But a man gonna die if his thought processes are like that. We all have our own self created stressors, and I'm telling you brov, your dial is at 11. I'm not qualified to recommend a shrink, but I recommend a solid Naturopathic Physician (or whatever you blokes call them). One who specializes is stress reduction, self stress elimination.

We all clearly and absolutely create your own stress. But it does not mean said stress is in bedrock and unchangeable.

 

[KrisZ]

Unless it’s ACTUALLY about your sister’s wedding. In which case it’s now called Narcism.

“Adulthood” is in fact, not for everyone. At least you know where you fall on the spectrum now.

LOL, weddings are not only for the bride. All that BS about her "special day" or being a princess. Putting the marriage into debt and stress right from the beginning. Talk about narcissism.

 

[doitmyself]

The definition of Narcissism is to have a high importance of ones self. I don't believe that's what I'm doing here.

I'm simply saying that between a high stress job and family life with two young children and a Wife who also works full time, I do not have the capacity to be dealing with an active part in a wedding. I don't see how this fits in with that definition at all.

I totally agree that this is not narcissism. In fact, when I accepted a workplace lifetime achievement award this past spring, I expressed my mantra passed on to me very early in my career. In essence, its that a person has to work and live hard to please oneself first and the rest will (mostly) fall in place. If you devote yourself to pleasing others, you will always fall short and be disappointed. Think about it. While it might sound selfish at first, it makes perfect sense. It's about knowing yourself and being comfortable in your shoes. This idea doesn't trump the importance of family, spirituality, friends, morality, integrity, etc.. It enhances and bolsters it. It's a huge burden off oneself when you accept this principle.

 

[4WD]

LOL, weddings are not only for the bride. All that BS about her "special day" or being a princess. Putting the marriage into debt and stress right from the beginning. Talk about narcissism.

Just saw a congratulations sent around - one of the guys who once worked for me ? Having first baby ! Only her name is NOT the same!
I‘ll never forget their huge and expensive wedding …
Obviously that did not make the marriage last …

 

[TimeFlies]

Nobody should be forced into being part of a wedding party.
Only a jerk would try and force someone to be a groomsman.
Sometimes I've had to say NO to people, who were trying to force me into situations that I didn't want to be in.
They never should have been pushy about it to begin with.
No, means no, the end.

 

[Pablo]

Nobody should be forced into being part of a wedding party.
Only a jerk would try and force someone to be a groomsman.
Sometimes I've had to say NO to people, who were trying to force me into situations that I didn't want to be in.
They never should have been pushy about it to begin with.
No, means no, the end.

In that case op should have done exactly as you posted

But for sure- forced? Nuts