Divorce

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Prayers for you man. I dont know the other side of the story, its always the kids I worry about. Keep a cool head, if you have done nothing wrong, things will work themselves out one way or the other. God bless.
 
Originally Posted By: stockrex
I never thought it would happen to me, wife took the kids and left the house and served me with divorce papers while I was out at work,


I quickly read some posts and did see if you have or not, but CHANGE ALL OF YOUR LOCKS!

On a side note, a few years ago I had a male co-worker who had his wife pack all of her belongings while he was out bowling and he didn't see it coming. After the divorce was finalized for about two weeks, he WON a brand new pickup. She tried every trick in the book to get her hands on half of it, but the ex-husband just sat back and laughed. She ran off with his best friend and did the same thing to him a few years later, so there sometimes is some karma in the world.
 
The most important advice that I can give (lawyers and friends will help you protect assets and rights--but rarely think about this part) is to be SURE the children do not become pawns in all of this. There will be PLENTY of times that you will be more than a little angry at your ex (yes, even after it is all over) and it is very important NOT to say anything negative about your ex-spouse in front of the children. Not for legal reasons, but so the children do not think they are at fault in all of this OR begin to think something is wrong with them because the parents could not stay together. They are made from both of you and if you "slam" the other parent, it will likely cause emotional issues with the children (depending on how old they are) in the long run. Some children regret the life they missed with both parents (usually the young ones) and other children (usually older ones) may resent the parent(s) because they could not make it work or because they feel "at fault" and want the parents back together.

Yes, I am speaking from experience; I divorced due to irreconcilable differences and she had custody (though it was joint custody, the children lived with her more than 3 hours away). The oldest never wanted to leave when he could come to visit and it was always an emotional time when I had to take them back. When the oldest turned 11, he told his mother that he did not want to go back and I threatened to take her to court over it so she let him live with me. There is a legal process in Texas to adjust the child support and while in the middle of that, she remarried (we had been divorced over 7 years at this point).

When I met her new spouse, I immediately thought "something ain't right with this guy" and ran a background check. As it turns out he was a convicted felon and was a child molester (AND she knew the whole time, but did not tell me which is a violation of the law and the custody terms). I immediately filed for full custody and even though it was an emergency petition, I had to sit on pins and needles for 2 months before the process was completed. It was all that I could do not to go and pick up my youngest son or to tell this creep if he touched him I would make the example that Gerard Butler made at the beginning of "Law Abiding Citizen" appear to be painless in comparison. I have both my sons now and they could not be happier and she is highly restricted regarding visitation and the creep cannot come within 10 miles of my sons (and he should not for health reasons).

Long story short, things have a way of working out, but it is important to keep your wits and not allow your emotions to rule you (yes, I know that it will be hard—but you can do it). ALWAYS, ALWAYS keep your children first in everything that you do (even if it means sacrifice and eating a lot of crow from your ex-wife); your children are not stupid and will quickly figure out "the score" and you will be paid back 100 fold in the end in their eyes.

I feel your pain and wish you the very best! Hang in there--it will get better!
 
Originally Posted By: stockrex
I never thought it would happen to me, wife took the kids and left the house and served me with divorce papers while I was out at work,
it is been less than week so emotional about it.

I want to hear from your about dos and don't, what would you have done differently, things to watch out for.

I will still love my wife and kids and asked her to see if she wants to reconcile and come back home, but she said no, she wants me to leave the house.

Pray for us please!


1. If she is not in love with you, find out who she is in love with. Chances are, she has found someone new. If I'm wrong, great. But most times, this is the pattern. Wife finds someone at work,gym,church and suddenly her marriage was a mistake, she loves you but is not in love with you, etc. So even if you think it's not possible, find out the truth so you know what you are dealing with.

2. Do not leave the marital home, do not give up daily access to the children. If she wants to leave, tell her she is free to go and you'll let her see the kids. But without a court order, you are not willing to give up a day with your children. Serious. If the divorce continues, the courts will likely go with whatever arrangement is in place. This is why it's key to get the most favorable arrangement possible from the get-go.

If your wife is having an affair, then you need to protect your children. They are at far more risk if they are exposed to another man.

I'd check out www.marriagebuilders.com and post your story on the forums there. They will likely tell you what I'm telling you, look for an affair, figure out what you may have been doing wrong, do not leave the home, etc.

Stay calm.

I went through this back in 2003, so please learn from my mistakes. I let my now ex-wife leave with my daughter. If I knew then what I know now, she would have been free to go, but I would have fought tooth and nail to keep my daughter at home. My ex-wife now has an unemployed live in boyfriend.

I believed the lie that she spun, that I was controlling. Turns out, wanting to live on a budget and spend less than I make is not controlling. But it is a convenient way for a wayward spouse to send the betrayed spouse in the wrong direction, making an effective smoke screen to hide her affair.

Waywards lie. Anyone can be a wayward, so don't convince yourself that she couldn't do it. I'm not saying she is, I'm saying it's possible, so make sure you know what you are dealing with.

If she is having an affair, you have to destroy the affair. Expose it. If her partner is married, tell his wife. If not, tell his family he's having an affair with your wife.

Exposure has a way of putting the brakes on an affair. It doesn't always work. But it does break the spell of the fantasy for most.
 
Emergency custody hearing. She can't just take children from their establish home. Getting divorced is stressful enough, she shouldn't add to their stress by removing them from where they have lived for years. You need to get into court to get an order the kids are returned home and she can have visitation, and neither you nor she is allowed to expose the children to anyone of the opposite sex (she can't expose to a boyfriend, you can't expose the kids to a girlfriend) who is not family.

Emergency custody hearing. She removed the children without your permission from the marital home and you believe this negatively impacts the welfare of your children.
 
Originally Posted By: stockrex
guys calm down, I want you to share you experience and what you would have done differently if you had to do it all over again.

right now I miss my kids and asking her to let me again today for a longer period.


I negotiated(no lawyers) with my wife so she does what she wants, I live my life the way I want but we sleep in the same bed, just so that the kids do not have to suffer the consequences of our stupid games of incompatibility, irreconcilable differences, etc.

We also have our separate bank accounts, and total financial independence.

Again, keep in mind that you can win or lose, but your children will lose their innocent childhood fun if you divorce.
 
My friend was leaving the house (with the kids inside) at the same time as the separated wife arrived. She asked him to open the door as she was carrying groceries.

He walked away, door shut.

She suddenly "lost" her keys and called the cops. Even though there was a "hide a key" right there by the front door and her car key ring had a house key on it. She lied about it and made a scene. She saw an opportunity and took it.

My friend was arrested, jailed, convicted and screw'd.

She stuck it to him with a vengeance. He never saw it coming. He had an awful time, getting visitation, as he was now a convicted felon, charged with child abandonment.

She lied, she lied, she lied. He paid the price for his mild anger.

DON'T do that.
 
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Originally Posted By: volk06
Originally Posted By: chiks
Sad to hear about it. It pains my heart.
Any reasons why she left? She love somebody else?
Who is at fault here?

Just like any other negotiation, be ready to walk away from your wife and kids. It ain't worth it if she ain't worth it.



DO NOT walk away from your kids, that is the most idiotic advice I've ever heard.
crazy.gif

It's times like this where your kids need you as much as you need them.

Will pray for you and your children.


This is business now. If you get emotions involved, you already lost.

I stated "be ready", not necessarily walk away "now".
 
Originally Posted By: volk06
Originally Posted By: chiks
Originally Posted By: BovineScapegoat
She is probably cheating. Cut her loose but get the kids. The house is yours so dont leave it.

LAWYER LAWYER LAWYER!!!


If she is cheating, it might be recommended to get paternity testing done. No need to be attached to kids that may not be yours to begin with.


Again bad advice, if you've been a father to your children for the past 2-8 years no real father would be able to turn his back no matter the outcome. The children couldn't help that problem. Also if you signed the birth certificate it wouldn't matter who the biological was.

Chiks, I'm going to guess your not a father or have a family of your own from these responses. These posts are not going to help him especially with this kind of bad advice from your posts. Maybe when you have a family of your own you'll understand the issue of children and being a father better.

Yes, I'm callin you out.


Been there. Done that.
I am happy, and so are the kids.
I am telling what works, not some speculation.

And did I tell you that I did not pay a dime to any lawyers?
That is icing on the cake.

After negotiating with my wife, we are all happy.
Kids have their parents, we enjoy vacations together, have fun daily.

Kids need not lose in this stupid battle of parents.

What most advice here will make sure that the OP will be happy, but will the kids be happy?
Do the kids really like living their life with their parents living apart?

Negotiate the [censored] with your wife without any lawyer.
There is always a way out. You do not need lawyers or a "fair" judge making decisions for you, on your behalf. HE does not have to live with the decisions he makes. Your kids will.
 
Originally Posted By: javacontour

1. If she is not in love with you, find out who she is in love with. Chances are, she has found someone new. If I'm wrong, great. But most times, this is the pattern. Wife finds someone at work,gym,church and suddenly her marriage was a mistake, she loves you but is not in love with you, etc. So even if you think it's not possible, find out the truth so you know what you are dealing with.

2. Do not leave the marital home, do not give up daily access to the children. If she wants to leave, tell her she is free to go and you'll let her see the kids. But without a court order, you are not willing to give up a day with your children. Serious. If the divorce continues, the courts will likely go with whatever arrangement is in place. This is why it's key to get the most favorable arrangement possible from the get-go.

If your wife is having an affair, then you need to protect your children. They are at far more risk if they are exposed to another man.

I'd check out www.marriagebuilders.com and post your story on the forums there. They will likely tell you what I'm telling you, look for an affair, figure out what you may have been doing wrong, do not leave the home, etc.

Stay calm.

I went through this back in 2003, so please learn from my mistakes. I let my now ex-wife leave with my daughter. If I knew then what I know now, she would have been free to go, but I would have fought tooth and nail to keep my daughter at home. My ex-wife now has an unemployed live in boyfriend.

I believed the lie that she spun, that I was controlling. Turns out, wanting to live on a budget and spend less than I make is not controlling. But it is a convenient way for a wayward spouse to send the betrayed spouse in the wrong direction, making an effective smoke screen to hide her affair.

Waywards lie. Anyone can be a wayward, so don't convince yourself that she couldn't do it. I'm not saying she is, I'm saying it's possible, so make sure you know what you are dealing with.

If she is having an affair, you have to destroy the affair. Expose it. If her partner is married, tell his wife. If not, tell his family he's having an affair with your wife.

Exposure has a way of putting the brakes on an affair. It doesn't always work. But it does break the spell of the fantasy for most.


Good advice.
I'll add this. If she is cheating with a man who is married or has a GF, calmly tell that man to walk away or you will expose him in front of his family. That will work much better than approaching his wife.
 
Originally Posted By: 2010_FX4

..., but it is important to keep your wits and not allow your emotions to rule you (yes, I know that it will be hard—but you can do it). ALWAYS, ALWAYS keep your children first in everything that you do (even if it means sacrifice and eating a lot of crow from your ex-wife); your children are not stupid and will quickly figure out "the score" and you will be paid back 100 fold in the end in their eyes.



+1 on this one.
Do not get emotional.
Keep the best interests of the kids first.
If you show no emotion or show the willingness to walk away from your kids to your spouse, the spouse has lost a big battle right there as she cannot use that "kids angle" against you. It is a very tough act to pull, but it works best. Proceed with caution.
 
Unlike our grandmothers that sat at home waiting to slave over the breadwinner when he gets home, women today want to be seen as partners, require attention and emotional connection. Whats missing is the events leading up to her decision. If your relationship was close, there are clues that can't be missed from the bed room to casual conversation. Did she try to talk to you about things and you were too busy, too tired from work? When was the last time you took a family vacation? When you weren't working, were you paying attention to her, the kids, or the (because your on BITOG) cars?
 
Originally Posted By: stockrex
I never thought it would happen to me, wife took the kids and left the house and served me with divorce papers while I was out at work,
it is been less than week so emotional about it.

I want to hear from your about dos and don't, what would you have done differently, things to watch out for.

I will still love my wife and kids and asked her to see if she wants to reconcile and come back home, but she said no, she wants me to leave the house.

Pray for us please!


I am a divorce lawyer. I'm not licensed to practice in your state, so I can't comment on the particulars and/or the propriety of what your wife has done regarding taking your children (as others have done here). If you were in SC I would tell you what she did is perfectly within her rights as a parent (just as it would be perfectly within your rights to have moved out and taken the children with you if you lived in SC). In SC, both parents have EQUAL rights of custody until a judge rules otherwise.

You need to get a GOOD divorce attorney RIGHT NOW, preferably someone who only practices in the area of family law. Follow his or her directions completely, and tell him or her EVERYTHING--the good, the bad, and the ugly--about yourself, your marriage, and your wife.
 
Did you get to know "why"?
If she was cheating, is it because you were not emotionally attached to her? And she wanted someone who could? What made her take this drastic step? It is no joke. You need to soften up and get her to talk to you. Maybe you need to change. Maybe she needs to change too. It is a 2 way street.
 
Frankly speaking, as a kid, if my parents were so self engrossed to just look for their own happiness, I would ask the judge to give me new parents. Don't assume kids will be happy because you have visiting rights.
 
Some women think it will be sunshine and roses getting a divorce.... until they get back into the real world and find out they ruined a perfectly good marriage. Sure no marriage is perfect even for the people married 25, 30, 50 years.

I think our society teaches us that if you are not happy in life, just walk away and start over.

Its not as simple as that and most of the time people regret it.
 
True that. The grass is always greener on the other side.
It is always better to find out the root cause, take steps to eliminate or reduce them, and understand you cannot get everything in life.
Most importantly, after you have kids, how can you think a out walking away?
Please negotiate, reconcile, and understand the meaning of a true family and stay together. Sure there will be differences, but the two can agree to disagree for the greater good.
 
Originally Posted By: LT4 Vette
Some women think it will be sunshine and roses getting a divorce.... until they get back into the real world and find out they ruined a perfectly good marriage.


I know plenty of men that this applies to also.
 
The numbers are fairly even. Unless women are having affairs with other women, or men with other men, the genders are equally represented when it comes to affairs.

So don't buy the line that men have more affairs than women. It simply isn't true unless you really think men are having same sex affairs.

Originally Posted By: doitmyself
Originally Posted By: LT4 Vette
Some women think it will be sunshine and roses getting a divorce.... until they get back into the real world and find out they ruined a perfectly good marriage.


I know plenty of men that this applies to also.
 
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