RANT: Being "ghosted" during conversations or relationships

[CharlesInCharge]

Ghosted yesterday, here's the story. I'm selling some stuff to raise home-buying capital. Idiot texts me with a 80% offer. We haggled for 3 days, he would not come up. I finally agreed to his price during a dialogue. Then he ghosted me for 2 hours. So I sold it at a higher price to someone in the interim, before idiot could agree to the purchase. I courteously told him it was sold. He got upset.

I suggested I had a similar item for X price if he wanted it. No answer. Ghosted. I sold it and told him it sold. He said he wanted to buy it. "I'm very sorry but that has sold."

He messages me about item #3. I say it's available. Ghosts me for hours. Then he offers me a 60% lowball offer...

Time for ignore...

 

[PandaBear]

I am not from a generation who endorse these kind of behavior. However I do see that today it is much harder to say no to someone and have the rejection being taken as an offense. It's not just the young people either, older people are getting smart and basically want you to "get it" and move on instead of "I'm attracted to only so and so", "you're not my kind", "you are not up to my standard", "I'm into someone else", etc. Sometimes they don't want to spend the energy communicating the message and respond back again and again, hoping that it will finally get you to accept it, so they just ghost things. Other times they just want to keep you as a backup without telling you to be the backup, etc.

Now it is almost impossible to hide from someone, because everyone has cell phones and everyone is on 247, not 1990s anymore.

 

[PandaBear]

Happens a lot, the way of social media makes it really easy to do.

The person doing it has no concern for how you feel.

On Blind I've actually dealt with a young new grad, who got really offended by his boss not spending enough time with him and he felt like he wasn't doing well because his boss wasn't holding his hand and teach him everything needed. Not his boss, but we are in the same company, and after spending about 30 mins here and there explaining how the real workplace work and what his boss did and didn't do right, he still hated his boss and "wish harm" on him for firing him in the end (I'm not surprised to be honest, this kid is not grown up yet).

So, finally, basically if I am the boss or former coworker of this kid I would have ghosted him too. Do I care how he feel? Maybe for a few mins, but not enough to waste 1/2 hour here and 15 mins there every couple days trying to make sure he is alright. I don't want to be the blunt messenger who "wake him up from his dream" and tell him to grow up either, that's his mom and dad's job. The whole problem with today's society is everyone expect others to "have concern about your feeling". We don't want to harm others but it is not something we owe each other, if we do it because we are friends that's fine, but sometimes we also need some space too.

 

[PandaBear]

Ghosted yesterday, here's the story. I'm selling some stuff to raise home-buying capital. Idiot texts me with a 80% offer. We haggled for 3 days, he would not come up. I finally agreed to his price during a dialogue. Then he ghosted me for 2 hours. So I sold it at a higher price to someone in the interim, before idiot could agree to the purchase. I courteously told him it was sold. He got upset.

I suggested I had a similar item for X price if he wanted it. No answer. Ghosted. I sold it and told him it sold. He said he wanted to buy it. "I'm very sorry but that has sold."

He messages me about item #3. I say it's available. Ghosts me for hours. Then he offers me a 60% lowball offer...

Time for ignore...

Why are you upset over this? This is pretty typical in sales, just normal behavior from general public if you dealt with enough of them.

 

[aquariuscsm]

It work both ways too (girl ghosting guy). A female friend of mine was dating this total pos. He treated her like a piece of trash, and she'd always run back to him bawling and crying. So I told her that it's your turn to call the shots. Disappear, totally. Let him realize that he lost you and what he had is completely gone. Give him time to think about what life is like without you. Because if someone totally screws you over, they don't deserve an explanation of why you left. Because the best way to hurt someone is to let them wonder. And people like that guy deserved no explanation.

It's all situational dependent. Ghosting in a professional relationship is a total no-no imo.

 

[Leo99]

I good friend of mine messaged me on Facebook about 6 years ago asking how I was doing and all that. I wrote him a lengthy reply. He wrote back that he had a lot to tell me but he had to run to the store real quick and then he'd be back. As far as I know, he's still at the store. I quit Facebook 3 years ago. Another friend from college. We were roommates and good friends. We made plans to meet up a few months after graduation. He never showed up. Never called. Thought he'd call me to tell me what happened but he never called. I've never talked to him since. I miss some of these friendships but eh... Life goes on.

 

[aquariuscsm]

As far as I know, he's still at the store.

 

[aquariuscsm]

I good friend of mine messaged me on Facebook about 6 years ago asking how I was doing and all that. I wrote him a lengthy reply. He wrote back that he had a lot to tell me but he had to run to the store real quick and then he'd be back. As far as I know, he's still at the store. I quit Facebook 3 years ago. Another friend from college. We were roommates and good friends. We made plans to meet up a few months after graduation. He never showed up. Never called. Thought he'd call me to tell me what happened but he never called. I've never talked to him since. I miss some of these friendships but eh... Life goes on.

Yep, been there done that. They always say "Hey bro let's meet up" and bam, they're invisible! Seems it always involves a chick who has them by the balls.

 

[Pablo]

Why are you upset over this? This is pretty typical in sales, just normal behavior from general public if you dealt with enough of them.

This.

My interpretation on the phenomena described in the OP has nothing to to with lost sales.

ODD.

 

[Slow Car Sport Mode]

On Blind I've actually dealt with a young new grad, who got really offended by his boss not spending enough time with him and he felt like he wasn't doing well because his boss wasn't holding his hand and teach him everything needed. Not his boss, but we are in the same company, and after spending about 30 mins here and there explaining how the real workplace work and what his boss did and didn't do right, he still hated his boss and "wish harm" on him for firing him in the end (I'm not surprised to be honest, this kid is not grown up yet).

So, finally, basically if I am the boss or former coworker of this kid I would have ghosted him too. Do I care how he feel? Maybe for a few mins, but not enough to waste 1/2 hour here and 15 mins there every couple days trying to make sure he is alright. I don't want to be the blunt messenger who "wake him up from his dream" and tell him to grow up either, that's his mom and dad's job. The whole problem with today's society is everyone expect others to "have concern about your feeling". We don't want to harm others but it is not something we owe each other, if we do it because we are friends that's fine, but sometimes we also need some space too.

Why are you upset over this? This is pretty typical in sales, just normal behavior from general public if you dealt with enough of them.

 

[BMWTurboDzl]

I simply don't understand the psychosis in society. But it seems so unbelievably common for folks to just ghost others. "Ghosting" refers to simply dropping off of text/email conversations or, in a more extreme manner, in relationships generally in an early stage when the other party simply stops communicating entirely and without any perceived reason or explanation.

It makes me wonder "what is wrong with people today?" I just don't understand it as such a very common way people behave.

It's nothing new. 35-40 years ago this occurred when people stopped taking your phone call and/or screened their calls via the voice machine.
It's really convenient because it avoids the awkwardness of having to have "the talk". Nobody wants to sit there and get a sales pitch on why they really should be "in to" someone else.

 

[CharlesInCharge]

I've heard hiring managers/employers complain for years about applicants ghosting them during the application process, and about how it's even worse now. I think a lot who complain fail to realize that many employers are just as bad about it.

Much of that is almost certainly unemployment benefit fraud. Applicants have to only prove they applied, and did not TURN DOWN a job offer. Ghosting circumvents these. More wasted tax dollars.

 

[CharlesInCharge]

Why are you upset over this? This is pretty typical in sales, just normal behavior from general public if you dealt with enough of them.

My interpretation on the phenomena described in the OP has nothing to to with lost sales.

It's abnormal and rude human behavior. Lowballing, then ghosting, then not responding for long periods when the lowballed price is accepted, only to get upset when (me) the seller moves on to someone else after hours of lowballing and ghosting. It's EXHAUSTING dealing with people who behave this way.

I did not lose a sale. The lowballing buyer paid the price for his ghosting behavior by missing out.

 

[Astro14]

It's abnormal and rude human behavior. Lowballing, then ghosting, then not responding for long periods when the lowballed price is accepted, only to get upset when (me) the seller moves on to someone else after hours of lowballing and ghosting. It's EXHAUSTING dealing with people who behave this way.

I did not lose a sale. The lowballing buyer paid the price for his ghosting behavior by missing out.

I understand the word “ghosting” to be quite different.

The lowballing buyer didn’t “ghost” you, they just acted rudely, without respect. “Not returning a call” is an ancient technique - it was first used in the Greek Agora when, I’m certain, a lowball buyer didn’t come back to a shop after promising to do so. “Calling on” someone used to mean going to where they were, be that place of business, residence, whatever.

Not returning a call pre-dates the telephone, and it’s always been rude. The refuge of cowards and low-life scum.

Ghosting means to end an interpersonal relationship by stopping all communication. As all communication trends towards digital, this is becoming more common.

Very different from not returning a call in a business context.

 

[Pablo]

It's a made up vague term. I'm sorry. Just call it what it is in the specific case.

I call Bunko Scabies. Live life, love friends. Don't sweat the small stuff.

 

[PandaBear]

Live life, love friends. Don't sweat the small stuff.

 

[Kennedy01]

I thought ghosting was putting on a white sheet and running around the house going, "boooooo.....boooooooo-OOOOO....I'm a GHOST.....boo..."

 

[Dinoburner]

Didn`t this ghosting behavior used to be called passive aggressive, sort of.

 

[PandaBear]

It's abnormal and rude human behavior. Lowballing, then ghosting, then not responding for long periods when the lowballed price is accepted, only to get upset when (me) the seller moves on to someone else after hours of lowballing and ghosting. It's EXHAUSTING dealing with people who behave this way.

I did not lose a sale. The lowballing buyer paid the price for his ghosting behavior by missing out.

Humans are rude, but this is normal human behavior. Do you go to every single salesman you talked to ever and tell them you are not interested in buying things? Probably not right? This is why sales is a job, someone has to do the job so the society functions. If you absolutely don't want to do this there are services out there who take your stuff and sell it for you, then take a cut. It won't be for the best price and it may not be cheap.

 

[CharlesInCharge]

Humans are rude, but this is normal human behavior. Do you go to every single salesman you talked to ever and tell them you are not interested in buying things? Probably not right? This is why sales is a job, someone has to do the job so the society functions. If you absolutely don't want to do this there are services out there who take your stuff and sell it for you, then take a cut. It won't be for the best price and it may not be cheap.

I don't think you're understanding. First, yes, if I was seriously engaged in buying something with any other person, I would courtesy alert them I'm going in a different direction.

Secondly, people in the virtual world do the equivalent of MID-CONVERSATION, turning and walking away with no explanation, just silence. For hours, days, weeks, or indefinitely. It's bizarre.

I got even today with a ghoster though. Taught him a real lesson in ghosting and price chiseling and "can I get it tomorrow" nonsense. I am radically downsizing and raising as much capital as possible for a home purchase. I was selling a brand new item in perfect current condition for 2/3rds retail price, about $300 on a $850 item. Mr. Ghosting Chiseler contacts me and says he's seen it for sale for 2 weeks (true) and offers me $250 (20% off an already 65% discounted item!). We haggle a bit and I finally agree on $270, come get it. THEN he says, "Can you hold it until tomorrow?" I suggest he get it now, it's still daylight. Then I'm ghosted until dark, a couple hours. So I get tied up in his scheduling issues. Says he'll come early tomorrow. At 10am, he says he has things to do but will come later...

Taught Mr. Ghosting Chiseler a lesson though. As luck would have it a nice couple contacted me, full price in hand, will come right over. Bingo. I sell it. While I should have repaid Mr. Ghosting Chisler by ghosting him, I relished in explaining why his cheap chiseling ghosting "can you hold it for tomorrow" behavior cost him a great deal... Lesson be learned, don't lowball, don't ghost in the middle of a discussion, and don't expect a great deal to be held until tomorrow.