Help with Sibling Rivalry

[GROUCHO MARX]

When I'm through with people, I put them on "ignore".

Rob Taggs, telling people the "truth" about themselves is not the way to win them. Pointing out your own faults to them may win them as they will examine their own shortcomings.

Reconciliation is a SLOW process. It will not happen overnight as much as you would like it to.

 

[eljefino]

Just show up over there with the kids. If you feel comfortable do it when your brother is not around. Prep the kids ahead of time that if TSHTF they should just excuse themselves and go out to the car.

You and they are there to visit grandma, just because she's in your brother's house for caregiving does not exclude her from being a sentient being. She can have what guests she wants, and even if she hasn't asked for you she'd probably like to see her grandkids.

Eldercare is an extremely draining enterprise, if you need CNAs or HHAs they're about $25 an hour. Where were you? (rhetoric question, many feel akward around ill family) Alternatively, your brother might feel guilty/proud of all the help he was given and is trying to give back by taking care of Mom.

Your recent visit undoubtedly made your Mom happier, simply being there, and returning with the grandkids will again. Don't take anything out with your brother in her precense, don't even mention him.

 

[Drew99GT]

Quote:

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What do you do?

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Live like Charlie Harper on 2 & 1/2 Men, that's what ya do!

 

[javacontour]

I really doubt it will do much good to try to convince your mother or brother to change their views.

Ultimately, you really only control yourself. If your mother wanted your advice about your brother, she would have asked by no. Likewise regarding your brother.

Let your actions speak where your words will mostly likely be ignored. Be the example for your children is your job.

Your children will watch how you treat your mother and brother and learn to treat folks around them from watching your example.

So be the best you, you can be, and pass that along to the children. Unless your mother is in grave danger, or your brother is squandering her wealth in drugs, alchohol, gambling or some other such pursuit, then they are two adults in a mutually agreed upon circumstance.

Perhaps a circumstance that you disagree with, but everyone is an adult here.

Love your mother, love your brother and be the best you, you can be. Loving your brother doesn't mean that you agree with him. But it does mean that you treat him with kindness and respect, regardless how he treats you.

 

[jg1]

not much into posting especially in maters such as these but, javacontour, that is the best thing I've read on an internet forum in a long time.

 

[refaller]

I concur. Excellent post javacontour. Take his advice.

ref

 

[javacontour]

Thank you.

 

[CivicFan]

Yes, the last 3 lines contain the advice that everybody should follow.

Isn't that what ---- said, too?

 

[javacontour]

I take my cues for living from a man who cannot be mentioned here who lived 2000 or so years ago

 

[SKUNKY]

"The automatic transmission is the work of the devil."

Heavy statement.....Heavy.....

 

[CivicFan]

I wonder why J esus is unmentionable and d evil is not.

 

[javacontour]

It's ironic that I can have that in my sig, but can't mention J or G or the HS.

 

[Rob Taggs]

I have decided not to write the letter after all. I just feel like I'm giving into him and giving him his way. He is a jerk and will probably remain one for life. I'll let him remain the martyr that he thinks he is. No matter what I say to him it always has to be his way.

 

[moribundman]

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I wonder why J esus is unmentionable and d evil is not.

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You may take Satan's name in vein all you want.

 

[Mr_Incredible]

Rob, I understand the thought that you may only have one chance to send your brother a letter and get it worked out with one last try. But I suspect he'll be lost before the first sentence is over. If he reads the entire thing, it sounds like he may have a hay-day twisting all you say into an unrecognizable lump with which to bash you over the head.

After Mom's gone, there may not be very many other chances.

Here's a thought...something short, like, "Brother, I would like for us to stop fighting and get along. Please contact me as soon as you wish."

There isn't much to twist around. It's clear. And, you can do this every year without it being threatening or full of years worth of baggage. If there's a meeting, that's where all the baggage would be worked out. But, seriously, it would be best if ALL baggage from both sides were thrown overboard and a clean start made of it. Both sides would lose leverage in fights, but it doesn't matter because there are no more fights...Right?

 

[moribundman]

I suggest a Thanksgiving family peace meal.

 

[Rob Taggs]

Moribundman, A Thanksgiving family peace meal would be nice but, I think my brother would crave on me instead of the turkey!

 

[Rob Taggs]

Mr. Incredible, I feel your idea is the best one so far. The letter is in the mail.

 

[XS650]

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Mr. Incredible, I feel your idea is the best one so far. The letter is in the mail.

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I agree. You keep the door open and you have put the ball in his court with no animosity.

The do it once a year is particularly good. You are giving him (and you) a fresh chance every year that way.

You plant the seed one year and next year you simultaneously plant another seed as you check on the growth of last years seed.

 

[Mr_Incredible]

That's the idea, to keep a simple message in his mind and to keep him thinking on it.

You're both young, still. People mellow as they grow older and lose more family. Those that are left are often seen more forgivingly.

But, some people just never come around.

Be a rock in the stream, letting the world flow around you.