Help with Sibling Rivalry

[Rob Taggs]

I'm following advice given to me in my previous post, "Last Will and Testament. Went and visited my dying mother after a few years of almost zero contact. Had to seek over to see mom since my mom and aunt feel there would be a physical confrontation, and mom is living at my brother's house now. Brother is mad as heck at my sister and I for so little contact with my mom.

I told my mother that I do not want to fight with my brother, told her that my brother and I are far too old to be going at it at our age, brother is soon to be 39 years old and I'm 41 years old. Mom agreed I was right about this but, I still get the feeling that she wants a confrontation. Had to get going after and hour and a half because brother was coming home to help mom with here medicine.

I don't know how to get through to my brother, all he has ever done in the past is yell and threaten me with violence. Is it worth writing a letter to him? Wife says that I should not have to justify myself to my brother by doing this. Can't phone him because it will end up like before, he just will not listen to reason or explaination. Theres is alot more to the whole situation than I can write here.

I truely want peace between my brother and I but, it looks very sad at this time. Any suggestions?

 

[GROUCHO MARX]

Peace takes two willing parties. Maybe you're short one willing party?

It's funny how much energy people are willing to expend holding grudges. You might have to wear your brother down slowly, very slowly.

 

[adam123]

Best advice I can give you is to write a letter and try to be sympathetic to his side while explaining yours.

 

[Gary Allan]

Well, if he'll read it ..a letter is one way to express yourself. Obviously, you'll never get a word in edgewise in a conversation. Very stressful situation.

I'll also say that some people cannot see past halfway on things. That is, they have a notion that is totally off ..and it builds from there.

 

[Rob Taggs]

I'm going to give the letter writing some serious thought. My brother is just one hard nut to crack. Treats his friends like gold but, family members with the exception of my mother like he is superior to them. Can't figure him out.

To know my brother is to know true arrogance. He can be very cruel to someone he does not even know. He tends to equate success in life with how much money you make. Brother makes a very good living as a floor covering subcontrator.

He has what he has in large due to mom. Got his home with mom's money. He sold mom's last house and mom let him pocket the money from the sale. Got his start in the flooring business from money mom gave him. Could say mom has been his personal banker for years.

I'm not a bit jealous of him but, was as a kid in the past. Really proud of him starting his business and making it a success and has since brought on his best friend aa a business partner. Was jealous in the past due to mom giving him a helping hand getting started but, she basically told me to get lost when I wanted to start a business. Can't figure what he has when it comes to him and mom.

Mom told me that brother will probably not contact anyone when she passes away, she is probably right on that one. Don't understand why he would be so mean when it comes to that. He has everything and still would go to those lengths. Sparks are really going to fly if he does this to my sister, she is very forward and controlling.

 

[Master ACiD]

i kind of have a similar problem, but from the other side. my dad is sick. he had an anurism, lung infection, was unconsious for 35 days in the hospital.
from my point of view i see my siblings who dont go and visit my father as a betrayal of family. how could they not go? its their father...i visit my dad 3 days a week for 5 hours a time. when he was really bad i was there daily for half the day. when it was touch and go i was at the hospital for about 4 days without leaving.
but the thing is, i dont get angry with them. im not going to change them so i just deal with it and move on.

youre brother probably feels betrayed by you simlar to how i feel about my sisters who do not visit my father. you might consider talking to him and see if you can make things right. youre monther wont be around forever, when shes gone you might regret not visiting her as much as you should. to top it off, if she does die and you havent fixed things between you and yyoure brother, you might never get another chance to fix things with him. people take grudges like this very seriously. often untill they themselves die. the whole thing seems like a bad situation. just try to make the best of it.

 

[Rob Taggs]

I've never really thought of my brother feeling betrayed, maybe there is something to that. He makes it kind of hard due to his nature. He wants to control the whole situation and he not one for reason, its his way or no way. I'm betting he would blow up at me again and start his threats up also.

I want to take my kids over to let my mom see them, she hasn't seen them since they were babies. I would like to call him and ask if it would be o.k. to do so but, again it would probably end in him screaming. I don't want my kids seeing me fist fighting my brother, he is just the type to do so.

Sometimes feel like I'm only normal one out of the brood. I listen to reason and I'm willing to patch things up. Tends to stem from things I did years ago when it comes to my brother and sister, they just can't let the past be the past. I have never seen people that hang on to old garbage the way my siblings do.

 

[Master ACiD]

see if you can think of a way to hit him down and talk to him without him getting all angry. just explain the situation and perhaps you guys can patch things up. look at it another way. you got nothing to lose by trying. if you fail then youre back where you started, and nothings the worse. if you suceed then you might be able to have a relationship with him again. its worth a shot.

 

[Schmoe]

Sounds like he doesn't want you interfering with his "gold" mine. You stand as a threat to that. From what you said about him, he is being highly defensive towards you because he feels THREATENED my you. You have, in his mind, the ability to perhaps stop your mother from giving him money and he is threatened by that, well, all the siblings for that reason. Money does VERY strange things to people and has often been the reasoning behind family squabbles. It's like dogs eating, they will protect their food to the death if threatened and in his mind, you are a posing threat. Also, your the eldest. Have you read the latest will?

 

[mechtech2]

Throw him a curve ball.
Ask him for a box of his business cards to pass out for him.

 

[alreadygone]

Such as this make me proud to be an only child!

Bob

 

[mikeg5]

he feels like he should get the inheritance bc you and your sis never visited her and since he is momma's boy he should reap the benefits.. plus he just sounds like a total ----. BUT you cannot stoop to that level. use common sense and follow your heart with this one.

 

[Rob Taggs]

Schmoe, I have not seen the new will, mom only says there is a new one and my brother is the executor of it. No biggie there, I could care less about any money. Told mom I've been broke all my life and I will probably die broke. I did tell her I do not care about any money.

Moms response was as she put it, "The money is all gone any ways." I'm going to assume it went to buy my brothers house. My brother speeds money as soon as he gets it, there is no way he saved for a down payment for his home. Brother is in control of mom's savings etc...

At least when it comes to money he can't say he didn't get more than his fair share. He has always been focused on money, thats his downfall. I really do get the feeling he is threatened by me when it comes to the "Gold Mine." I know mom took out an insurance policy on herself probably with my brother being the sole beneficiary of it, again I could care less.

mikeg5, my brother is definetly a momma's boy. He is a total---- and I will not stoop to his level. I'm very sure in saying if there is any inheritance he does feel justified to all of it. I'm going to follow my heart but, I have tried to write two letters so far only to throw them away. I end up feeling that I'm just trying to justify myself to him when I don't feel like I have to.

I start out with very good intentions in the letters and end up stating his faults and shortcomings. Even if he will read the letter is one thing. Getting him to let the contents sink into his brain is yet another hurdle. The best I can figure is that my brother is a narcissist and that is about one of the hardest mental problems to deal with.

I really need to know how to write a letter without being too judgemental but, get to the point.

 

[GROUCHO MARX]

I think the point is that you don't want to fight.

 

[XS650]

Quote:

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I really need to know how to write a letter without being too judgemental but, get to the point.

---

Something that may help. Make your best effort at writing it, put it away for a day, then go back and read it.

If there is someone who's judgment and confidentiality you trust that knows your situation, get their opinion too.

 

[TooManyWheels]

As far as your Mom seeing the grandkids, perhaps you could arrange a family get together at a restaurant so that she could see the kids but your brother would be less tempted to attract attention to himself in public.

 

[Rob Taggs]

TooManyWheels, Mom is bed ridden so there no chance to see the grandkids unless it is at my brother's house - Ground Zero. If I do happen to get my brother to talk things out it sure isn't going to be at his house - Too many guns. It will be in a very public place so he will be less tempted to show his a**.

XS650, I have read the last letter aloud to my wife and she agreed that is sounds good.

Some things in the letter may sound harsh but, they are the truth. I didn't go overboard. Brother is very blinded by mom, basically she can spoon feed him lies, rumors etc... and he will swallow it whole. I love my mom but, if she were to hook up to a lie detector she would burn it up!

 

[Schmoe]

Geesh, this is like the OU-Colorado game, you can't go back and change the outcome. We all could use a little more money, unless your wealthy, not rich, but wealthy. Seems like your attitude has been adjusted internally because your claims will go un-heeded. Sibling rivalary at its finest. Either stand up to him and beat some sense into his head, or do what my Dad taught me about a divorce and losing my son in the process, you just have to block it out. No other way to get around it as it will eat your lunch and you will become an emotional baggage case that won't do you any good in the process. Cut all ties whatsoever with your idiot brother. There will be a day after all this that he may possibly feel bad and want to re-kindle your relationship, trust me, it will happen but don't you DARE give him the satisfaction. Make him sweat. Trust me, that day will come when one sits down and analyzes their own life. It happens to everyone. Now, it might not be next week, but it will come. Ignore him to the best you can. No phone calls, no visits, etc. etc.

 

[CivicFan]

My approach would be the exact opposite of Schmoe's. It sounds like your brother took care of your mom and wants to be acknowledged for it. It is not easy to care for a bedridden relative. You should be glad your mom was not shipped to a nursing home and forgotten.

After all, we only have the family we have. To me family is important and siblings should act like adults - sibling rivalry is for kids. You need to put your bitterness about the money being all gone (it may not have paid for your brother's house but for the caring of your mom). That letter with his shortcomings is not going to fix anything.

 

[Schmoe]

Didn't read the last part of your response and this is along the same lines. My ex-wife, i.e. &itchWolfe, has been nothing but a pain over the years. She has accused my wofe of beating my son one summer when he was with me, demanded through my son that I am suppose to buy them a nice house and car (wife makes GOOD money, I choose her carefully), demanded that I pay off a loan, co-sign a loan for her, always talked down about me to my son, etc. etc. About as bad as you can imagine. Anyway, my wife had had enough and my son is now 18. Well, wife writes a 7 page email explaining to her why we don't ever, EVER want to talk to her again and we are not. She wrote down ALL, I mean ALL, the incidents. There were a lot I had forgot about but not her, women don't forget anything. She did explain that she loved my son and we're doing everything we can to help him get to college. However, what does the ex do when this letter comes in? She calls me, I don't answer. She calls my cell, I don't answer but leaves a message, I erased it without even listening to it. About an hour later, my son calls and is wondering why we are "confronting" his mother. All the problems had been clearly explained in the email and properly listed along with facts, like when she was cheating on me. Son asks that his mother wants to know the guys name and all that other stuff, this was like 16 years ago and why we got a divorce. It has turned into a he said, she said story even though I KNOW she knows. She is trying to turn my son against me and has. After we hung up that night, I called him this past weekend on his cell phone 4 times. Left two messages. Nothing. I finally called him and said that when he wants to address these issues like a man, call me and told him that his mother giving him that email was not fair to him, it has nothing to do with him, but she is making it out that it does. What do you do?