Had an affair.....
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Originally Posted By: stockrex
to understand another person's perspective you have to put yourself their shoes, now what if she slept with the gardener or ups guy?
As stupid as it sounds, I almost wish she would have done this back to me. I think things would be easier to deal with for both of us.
to understand another person's perspective you have to put yourself their shoes, now what if she slept with the gardener or ups guy?
As stupid as it sounds, I almost wish she would have done this back to me. I think things would be easier to deal with for both of us.
I can see why she's withdrawn. I asked what your specific plan was and it's more "poor me."
No one is going to be attracted to that.
You need to be the man, the leader here. If you are going to change the dynamic of the marriage, then you need to lead.
Set a time in your mind of when you will revisit the state of your marriage to see if your efforts are working and then go to work on this relationship with NO EXPECTATIONS.
If after that time, things are not better, or if they are worse, THEN you go to her and tell her the following:
I married you for life and then I broke that vow. I cannot change that, but I've been doing the following to help you heal. Either I've been doing the wrong things or you are unwilling or unable to let me atone for what I did wrong. If you are unwilling to forgive and heal over this, it's not fair to you, the children or me to live this way. If you want this marriage, then you have to tell me what it is I should be doing, because based on what I see, what I'm doing is not working. If you don't want it, then it's pointless to keep trying. I cannot make that decision for you. I will respect whatever decision you make. If you want it, great that's what I want too and I welcome you as my partner. If you don't, then let's end this and stop hurting one another. If it were my decision alone, I choose you. But I only have one of two votes and any no vote ends the marriage. I want to spend the rest of my life loving you the way you want and deserve to be loved. But if you can't or won't accept that from me, then it's cruel for me to even keep trying.
No one is going to be attracted to that.
You need to be the man, the leader here. If you are going to change the dynamic of the marriage, then you need to lead.
Set a time in your mind of when you will revisit the state of your marriage to see if your efforts are working and then go to work on this relationship with NO EXPECTATIONS.
If after that time, things are not better, or if they are worse, THEN you go to her and tell her the following:
I married you for life and then I broke that vow. I cannot change that, but I've been doing the following to help you heal. Either I've been doing the wrong things or you are unwilling or unable to let me atone for what I did wrong. If you are unwilling to forgive and heal over this, it's not fair to you, the children or me to live this way. If you want this marriage, then you have to tell me what it is I should be doing, because based on what I see, what I'm doing is not working. If you don't want it, then it's pointless to keep trying. I cannot make that decision for you. I will respect whatever decision you make. If you want it, great that's what I want too and I welcome you as my partner. If you don't, then let's end this and stop hurting one another. If it were my decision alone, I choose you. But I only have one of two votes and any no vote ends the marriage. I want to spend the rest of my life loving you the way you want and deserve to be loved. But if you can't or won't accept that from me, then it's cruel for me to even keep trying.
That contains the essence of the situation.
Good words, Java. Now is the time to do something. Not let it go on for years like I have seen before with many couples.
Originally Posted By: rat
Originally Posted By: stockrex
to understand another person's perspective you have to put yourself their shoes, now what if she slept with the gardener or ups guy?
As stupid as it sounds, I almost wish she would have done this back to me. I think things would be easier to deal with for both of us.
No it would not, she'll feel even more guilty instead of "ok, we're even".
Remember, the kids, the kids. Having both parents sleeping around just for lust and retaliate is not really healthy for them.
Like Java said, do not do what you do with expectation or condition. You do this because you love her and the kids, but do not expect them to do what you want.
Originally Posted By: stockrex
to understand another person's perspective you have to put yourself their shoes, now what if she slept with the gardener or ups guy?
As stupid as it sounds, I almost wish she would have done this back to me. I think things would be easier to deal with for both of us.
No it would not, she'll feel even more guilty instead of "ok, we're even".
Remember, the kids, the kids. Having both parents sleeping around just for lust and retaliate is not really healthy for them.
Like Java said, do not do what you do with expectation or condition. You do this because you love her and the kids, but do not expect them to do what you want.
Originally Posted By: rat
Originally Posted By: stockrex
to understand another person's perspective you have to put yourself their shoes, now what if she slept with the gardener or ups guy?
As stupid as it sounds, I almost wish she would have done this back to me. I think things would be easier to deal with for both of us.
Yeah...kind of like getting a shot. Quick and easy. Not long and painful. That sucks mang.
Originally Posted By: stockrex
to understand another person's perspective you have to put yourself their shoes, now what if she slept with the gardener or ups guy?
As stupid as it sounds, I almost wish she would have done this back to me. I think things would be easier to deal with for both of us.
Yeah...kind of like getting a shot. Quick and easy. Not long and painful. That sucks mang.
Originally Posted By: rat
Originally Posted By: stockrex
to understand another person's perspective you have to put yourself their shoes, now what if she slept with the gardener or ups guy?
As stupid as it sounds, I almost wish she would have done this back to me. I think things would be easier to deal with for both of us.
Oh, unless you get your relationship back on track she will. When the right guy appears she will. When that happens you will finally understand. Then you have to sit back and take it. You aren't going to like it either.
Why not buy her a few beers and then take her to the local gym and tape up her wrists, put some boxing gloves on her and let her beat the ever loving snot out of you for an hour maybe two. She may get some of the pent up anger and rage out of her system. Plus it doesn't cost much as long as you wear a mouth guard. Let her kick you in the jewels a few times too. Then after you are lying on the mat all punched out and bloody...she might find a spark of sympathy for you...from that spark you can start over. As long as you aren't a complete DB about it.
Originally Posted By: stockrex
to understand another person's perspective you have to put yourself their shoes, now what if she slept with the gardener or ups guy?
As stupid as it sounds, I almost wish she would have done this back to me. I think things would be easier to deal with for both of us.
Oh, unless you get your relationship back on track she will. When the right guy appears she will. When that happens you will finally understand. Then you have to sit back and take it. You aren't going to like it either.
Why not buy her a few beers and then take her to the local gym and tape up her wrists, put some boxing gloves on her and let her beat the ever loving snot out of you for an hour maybe two. She may get some of the pent up anger and rage out of her system. Plus it doesn't cost much as long as you wear a mouth guard. Let her kick you in the jewels a few times too. Then after you are lying on the mat all punched out and bloody...she might find a spark of sympathy for you...from that spark you can start over. As long as you aren't a complete DB about it.
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Originally Posted By: rat
Originally Posted By: LT4 Vette
Yikes. You didn't think of the consequences of your sins ?
Honestly, no. During the affair I didn't think once about consequences. I was too wrapped up in me and the attention I was getting.
Sounds like it's time to get a divorce.
Originally Posted By: LT4 Vette
Yikes. You didn't think of the consequences of your sins ?
Honestly, no. During the affair I didn't think once about consequences. I was too wrapped up in me and the attention I was getting.
Sounds like it's time to get a divorce.
Fact is, there are six kids. YOU are the best deal she AND the kids are ever likely to get.
She should have to realize this, and after an appropriate time (you were a louse) let bygones be bygones for every bodies sake.
If she keeps browbeating you, sooner of later you will leave her. She will then have to Lawyer-up and hope you don't run away to South America.
Best for all concerned you sort this out.
Make up and watch a good movie together
I suggest American Beauty.
She should have to realize this, and after an appropriate time (you were a louse) let bygones be bygones for every bodies sake.
If she keeps browbeating you, sooner of later you will leave her. She will then have to Lawyer-up and hope you don't run away to South America.
Best for all concerned you sort this out.
Make up and watch a good movie together
I suggest American Beauty.
Originally Posted By: expat
Fact is, there are six kids. YOU are the best deal she AND the kids are ever likely to get.
She should have to realize this, and after an appropriate time (you were a louse) let bygones be bygones for every bodies sake.
If she keeps browbeating you, sooner of later you will leave her. She will then have to Lawyer-up and hope you don't run away to South America.
Best for all concerned you sort this out.
Make up and watch a good movie together
I suggest American Beauty.
Lol...why not "Fatal Attraction"?
Fact is, there are six kids. YOU are the best deal she AND the kids are ever likely to get.
She should have to realize this, and after an appropriate time (you were a louse) let bygones be bygones for every bodies sake.
If she keeps browbeating you, sooner of later you will leave her. She will then have to Lawyer-up and hope you don't run away to South America.
Best for all concerned you sort this out.
Make up and watch a good movie together
I suggest American Beauty.
Lol...why not "Fatal Attraction"?
Originally Posted By: satinsilver
You should be happy she didn't kick the "rat" out of the house also.
The ENTIRE SITUATION IS "YOUR" FAULT.
Everybody responds to stressful events differently. Remember if it wasn't for YOUR irresponsible, selfish, and inconsiderate behavior you wouldn't be in the situation you are in now. Suck it up, lover boy.
People amaze me today with their absolutely self centered, self absorbed, attitude.
You should be happy she didn't kick the "rat" out of the house also.
The ENTIRE SITUATION IS "YOUR" FAULT.
Everybody responds to stressful events differently. Remember if it wasn't for YOUR irresponsible, selfish, and inconsiderate behavior you wouldn't be in the situation you are in now. Suck it up, lover boy.
People amaze me today with their absolutely self centered, self absorbed, attitude.
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Originally Posted By: antiqueshell
Originally Posted By: satinsilver
You should be happy she didn't kick the "rat" out of the house also.
The ENTIRE SITUATION IS "YOUR" FAULT.
Everybody responds to stressful events differently. Remember if it wasn't for YOUR irresponsible, selfish, and inconsiderate behavior you wouldn't be in the situation you are in now. Suck it up, lover boy.
People amaze me today with their absolutely self centered, self absorbed, attitude.
OK I agree. But what dose he do NOW?
How long should he carry this Albatross?
I feel at some point, for all concerned, something has to give.
I have known a situation like this where a guy was ostracized for 40+ years, it became a habit, and the situation was not healthy for ANY of the family.
So, what happens next?
Originally Posted By: satinsilver
You should be happy she didn't kick the "rat" out of the house also.
The ENTIRE SITUATION IS "YOUR" FAULT.
Everybody responds to stressful events differently. Remember if it wasn't for YOUR irresponsible, selfish, and inconsiderate behavior you wouldn't be in the situation you are in now. Suck it up, lover boy.
People amaze me today with their absolutely self centered, self absorbed, attitude.
OK I agree. But what dose he do NOW?
How long should he carry this Albatross?
I feel at some point, for all concerned, something has to give.
I have known a situation like this where a guy was ostracized for 40+ years, it became a habit, and the situation was not healthy for ANY of the family.
So, what happens next?
my personal opinion would be to get a divorce as the situation is not healthy for the kids. you'll have to work out custody arrangements given you have a composite family that may be tough. I think for kids dealing with two reasonable but separate parents would be better than dealing with dysfunctional but together parents.
over 2000 views, almost a 100 problem solvers, Dear Abby would have been proud....................one day we are oil problem fixers, next day marriage counselors....
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Originally Posted By: expat
Originally Posted By: antiqueshell
Originally Posted By: satinsilver
You should be happy she didn't kick the "rat" out of the house also.
The ENTIRE SITUATION IS "YOUR" FAULT.
Everybody responds to stressful events differently. Remember if it wasn't for YOUR irresponsible, selfish, and inconsiderate behavior you wouldn't be in the situation you are in now. Suck it up, lover boy.
People amaze me today with their absolutely self centered, self absorbed, attitude.
OK I agree. But what dose he do NOW?
How long should he carry this Albatross?
I feel at some point, for all concerned, something has to give.
I have known a situation like this where a guy was ostracized for 40+ years, it became a habit, and the situation was not healthy for ANY of the family.
So, what happens next?
Be a man, cut your losses, try to come up with some sort of agreement with your, soon to be ex-wife without involving courts. Make sure you pay appropriate child support and arrange to have kids with you weekly so that you're still in their lives.
I would definitely not live like a dog for the rest of my life, even though I screwed up. If my wife loved me and truly wanted to forgive me for this horrible act I would do everything to keep the marriage going, but if she just kept me around to remind me every day for what I did, I would not stick around because that would not be healthy for my kids, my wife and myself.
Keeping a dead marriage going "for the sake of children" is just as bad as separating IMO. Kids sense that there is no love between parents and in my opinion what's even worse is that by seeing this kind of dysfunctional relationship, they will learn that it's normal and may end up behaving the same as their parents did. That's my
Originally Posted By: antiqueshell
Originally Posted By: satinsilver
You should be happy she didn't kick the "rat" out of the house also.
The ENTIRE SITUATION IS "YOUR" FAULT.
Everybody responds to stressful events differently. Remember if it wasn't for YOUR irresponsible, selfish, and inconsiderate behavior you wouldn't be in the situation you are in now. Suck it up, lover boy.
People amaze me today with their absolutely self centered, self absorbed, attitude.
OK I agree. But what dose he do NOW?
How long should he carry this Albatross?
I feel at some point, for all concerned, something has to give.
I have known a situation like this where a guy was ostracized for 40+ years, it became a habit, and the situation was not healthy for ANY of the family.
So, what happens next?
Be a man, cut your losses, try to come up with some sort of agreement with your, soon to be ex-wife without involving courts. Make sure you pay appropriate child support and arrange to have kids with you weekly so that you're still in their lives.
I would definitely not live like a dog for the rest of my life, even though I screwed up. If my wife loved me and truly wanted to forgive me for this horrible act I would do everything to keep the marriage going, but if she just kept me around to remind me every day for what I did, I would not stick around because that would not be healthy for my kids, my wife and myself.
Keeping a dead marriage going "for the sake of children" is just as bad as separating IMO. Kids sense that there is no love between parents and in my opinion what's even worse is that by seeing this kind of dysfunctional relationship, they will learn that it's normal and may end up behaving the same as their parents did. That's my
Originally Posted By: CourierDriver
over 2000 views, almost a 100 problem solvers, Dear Abby would have been proud....................one day we are oil problem fixers, next day marriage counselors....
What's wrong with giving an honest opinion? Beside aren't a lot of marriage counselors divorced, have been divorced or going through a divorce anyway?
over 2000 views, almost a 100 problem solvers, Dear Abby would have been proud....................one day we are oil problem fixers, next day marriage counselors....
What's wrong with giving an honest opinion? Beside aren't a lot of marriage counselors divorced, have been divorced or going through a divorce anyway?
Not the guy I keep quoting. I think he's close to his 50th anniversary and his wife appears with him on his radio show/webcast.
But you make a good point. Be careful about from whom you take your advice. A good counselor should be willing to be interviewed for the job and if his/her views don't match with your objectives, then it's pointless to hire them on to help you accomplish your goals.
If your goal is to not only save, but have a better marriage, find a counselor who has proven he/she can do that with willing clients.
Originally Posted By: KrisZ
Originally Posted By: CourierDriver
over 2000 views, almost a 100 problem solvers, Dear Abby would have been proud....................one day we are oil problem fixers, next day marriage counselors....
What's wrong with giving an honest opinion? Beside aren't a lot of marriage counselors divorced, have been divorced or going through a divorce anyway?
But you make a good point. Be careful about from whom you take your advice. A good counselor should be willing to be interviewed for the job and if his/her views don't match with your objectives, then it's pointless to hire them on to help you accomplish your goals.
If your goal is to not only save, but have a better marriage, find a counselor who has proven he/she can do that with willing clients.
Originally Posted By: KrisZ
Originally Posted By: CourierDriver
over 2000 views, almost a 100 problem solvers, Dear Abby would have been proud....................one day we are oil problem fixers, next day marriage counselors....
What's wrong with giving an honest opinion? Beside aren't a lot of marriage counselors divorced, have been divorced or going through a divorce anyway?
Originally Posted By: LT4 Vette
Originally Posted By: TooManyWheels
How long are you going to keep letting her play the victim?
The wife is the victim. He was sinning a had trouble keeping something inside his pants on multiple occasions.
It's not that simple, it never is. That just seems like you're passing judgment without considering everything going on here...
I'm not condoning what the OP did. In fact, I think he took a cowardly, passive-aggressive way out rather than asking his wife some hard questions and discussing the void between them and why he has to do dishes when he works probably 50-60 hour weeks and she never leaves the house. But, tell me that someone that doesn't work, has to have her friend move in to take care of her kids, and seems to have been emotionally disconnected the whole time (with the only difference being in degrees) and now feels entitled to ruin their credit and possibly their childrens' future with irresponsible purchases is solely a "victim." Nonsense!
Originally Posted By: TooManyWheels
How long are you going to keep letting her play the victim?
The wife is the victim. He was sinning a had trouble keeping something inside his pants on multiple occasions.
It's not that simple, it never is. That just seems like you're passing judgment without considering everything going on here...
I'm not condoning what the OP did. In fact, I think he took a cowardly, passive-aggressive way out rather than asking his wife some hard questions and discussing the void between them and why he has to do dishes when he works probably 50-60 hour weeks and she never leaves the house. But, tell me that someone that doesn't work, has to have her friend move in to take care of her kids, and seems to have been emotionally disconnected the whole time (with the only difference being in degrees) and now feels entitled to ruin their credit and possibly their childrens' future with irresponsible purchases is solely a "victim." Nonsense!
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