I probably wouldnt have the patience of you. I would confront her and TELL her, either we move on or its over. I would call her bluff. From what I read, and itr was alot. I think all this pity you have for her, is doing nothing more than breeding more self pity in her. She is at the point she feels she desrves it. Life is too short, you are sorry, you made attempts to amend, if she can not let go and move on, then she can hold that feeling forever, it does not mean you have to. Move on. You have shown to be a responsible parent and support your family, anybody that "claims" they havent been tempted by a younger woman is either a liar, too ugly or gay. It happens, it happened to you and you are doing your best to make amends, but I certainly would not put up with her not meeting you at least half way. Regardless of all "I am better than you" on here, opinion, truth is, if she would have been a little sex muffin, there is no way you would have strayed. Sex is the glue to a marrige, I dont care what anyone claims. It smooths out alot and keeps everybody Happy, Happy, Happy!
Had an affair.....
- Thread starter rat
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I'm very sorry to hear about the situation. And, I don't believe you can expect any sort of forgiveness based on what you've said.
You've violated the trust of your wife, and improperly judged the "risk/reward ratio" . While you have faced up to it, that's clearly not enough. And, I think you need to understand that there may be nothing you can do to fix it.
Actions have consequences. Sometimes the consequences are horrific, at other times, the consequences are simply in the "just awful" category.
The human animal is a strange beast, where life itself is unbearable, due to the pain inflicted on another. That is a part of the definition of the word love (in my opinion) . That definition being: Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.
You've violated the trust of your wife, and improperly judged the "risk/reward ratio" . While you have faced up to it, that's clearly not enough. And, I think you need to understand that there may be nothing you can do to fix it.
Actions have consequences. Sometimes the consequences are horrific, at other times, the consequences are simply in the "just awful" category.
The human animal is a strange beast, where life itself is unbearable, due to the pain inflicted on another. That is a part of the definition of the word love (in my opinion) . That definition being: Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.
Originally Posted By: Cujet
I'm very sorry to hear about the situation. And, I don't believe you can expect any sort of forgiveness based on what you've said.
You've violated the trust of your wife, and improperly judged the "risk/reward ratio" . While you have faced up to it, that's clearly not enough. And, I think you need to understand that there may be nothing you can do to fix it.
Actions have consequences. Sometimes the consequences are horrific, at other times, the consequences are simply in the "just awful" category.
The human animal is a strange beast, where life itself is unbearable, due to the pain inflicted on another. That is a part of the definition of the word love (in my opinion) . That definition being: Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.
So, the judgment is hers, Take you back and (conditionally forgive) or face life as a mother of six kids alone, and/or hope a 'better' person is in her future.
The cards are in her hands.
My feelings are she hasn't kicked him out yet, so she may want him back.
He has to negotiate terms. ie. not live the rest of his life begging forgiveness!
Let he that is without sin (if only in thought) cast the first stone.
I'm very sorry to hear about the situation. And, I don't believe you can expect any sort of forgiveness based on what you've said.
You've violated the trust of your wife, and improperly judged the "risk/reward ratio" . While you have faced up to it, that's clearly not enough. And, I think you need to understand that there may be nothing you can do to fix it.
Actions have consequences. Sometimes the consequences are horrific, at other times, the consequences are simply in the "just awful" category.
The human animal is a strange beast, where life itself is unbearable, due to the pain inflicted on another. That is a part of the definition of the word love (in my opinion) . That definition being: Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.
So, the judgment is hers, Take you back and (conditionally forgive) or face life as a mother of six kids alone, and/or hope a 'better' person is in her future.
The cards are in her hands.
My feelings are she hasn't kicked him out yet, so she may want him back.
He has to negotiate terms. ie. not live the rest of his life begging forgiveness!
Let he that is without sin (if only in thought) cast the first stone.
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If you were going to put thought into action, I can't think of a worse choice than a live in babysitter.
You may as well have started wearing a scarlet "A" on your chest since discovery was guaranteed.
Your wife probably feels even more betrayed by your having slept with a woman she regarded as a friend who lived in her house.
If I were to act on opportunity, I know that the consequences would involve my being invited to leave.
I also know that the chances of having a discreet and undiscovered affair are somewhere between slim and none.
If you want to work on saving your marriage, I think you'll have to have an honest and lengthly conversation.
It has to be a conversation, not merely you accepting blame.
You might start by asking your wife if she really wants to stay together, with the qualification that the current state of your relationship isn't tenable.
You might tell her how deeply you regret your actions, as well as what lead up to them, like your impression that she took you for granted.
WRT future fidelity, you might tell her that you've learned a hard lesson and that you'd undo it if you could.
She needs to be brought out of her funk, and I don't think you're doing either one of you any favor by letting her live within it.
You may as well have started wearing a scarlet "A" on your chest since discovery was guaranteed.
Your wife probably feels even more betrayed by your having slept with a woman she regarded as a friend who lived in her house.
If I were to act on opportunity, I know that the consequences would involve my being invited to leave.
I also know that the chances of having a discreet and undiscovered affair are somewhere between slim and none.
If you want to work on saving your marriage, I think you'll have to have an honest and lengthly conversation.
It has to be a conversation, not merely you accepting blame.
You might start by asking your wife if she really wants to stay together, with the qualification that the current state of your relationship isn't tenable.
You might tell her how deeply you regret your actions, as well as what lead up to them, like your impression that she took you for granted.
WRT future fidelity, you might tell her that you've learned a hard lesson and that you'd undo it if you could.
She needs to be brought out of her funk, and I don't think you're doing either one of you any favor by letting her live within it.
Originally Posted By: scurvy
Originally Posted By: TooManyWheels
How long are you going to keep letting her play the victim?
In what universe isn't she the victim?
In the universe of reality where everything isn't black-and-white...
Originally Posted By: TooManyWheels
How long are you going to keep letting her play the victim?
In what universe isn't she the victim?
In the universe of reality where everything isn't black-and-white...
Originally Posted By: fdcg27
If you were going to put thought into action, I can't think of a worse choice than a live in babysitter.
You may as well have started wearing a scarlet "A" on your chest since discovery was guaranteed.
Your wife probably feels even more betrayed by your having slept with a woman she regarded as a friend who lived in her house.
If I were to act on opportunity, I know that the consequences would involve my being invited to leave.
I also know that the chances of having a discreet and undiscovered affair are somewhere between slim and none.
If you want to work on saving your marriage, I think you'll have to have an honest and lengthly conversation.
It has to be a conversation, not merely you accepting blame.
You might start by asking your wife if she really wants to stay together, with the qualification that the current state of your relationship isn't tenable.
You might tell her how deeply you regret your actions, as well as what lead up to them, like your impression that she took you for granted.
WRT future fidelity, you might tell her that you've learned a hard lesson and that you'd undo it if you could.
She needs to be brought out of her funk, and I don't think you're doing either one of you any favor by letting her live within it.
Wife was "betrayed, blah blah blah..."
I'm not married and have no children. But one of my best friends is 42-yrs.old. Works full time, sometimes 50+ hours a week. His wife works almost full time. He has four kids ranging from 18 months to 17 years, three of which live in his house whereas his oldest, from a previous relationship, also requires he run her around when needed and stays with him part of the week. To top it all off, he just had a major heart attack! Yet...
They manage this without a live-in, full time adult "friend" babysitter. My question is why did the OP's wife, presumably who doesn't work, need her friend to move in as a caretaker? Especially when some of the children are in their teens and should be able to help out. It just seems rather odd to me, and pretty awful that people around here are solely demonizing the OP while giving this women that seems to lack interest in her children takes revenge by ruining finances and seems quite irresponsible in her own right. I'm not condoning the affair in anyway. But neither does her behavior of sitting in her room listening to The Smiths/Morrissey exactly entail "victim" status nor merit condoning...
If you were going to put thought into action, I can't think of a worse choice than a live in babysitter.
You may as well have started wearing a scarlet "A" on your chest since discovery was guaranteed.
Your wife probably feels even more betrayed by your having slept with a woman she regarded as a friend who lived in her house.
If I were to act on opportunity, I know that the consequences would involve my being invited to leave.
I also know that the chances of having a discreet and undiscovered affair are somewhere between slim and none.
If you want to work on saving your marriage, I think you'll have to have an honest and lengthly conversation.
It has to be a conversation, not merely you accepting blame.
You might start by asking your wife if she really wants to stay together, with the qualification that the current state of your relationship isn't tenable.
You might tell her how deeply you regret your actions, as well as what lead up to them, like your impression that she took you for granted.
WRT future fidelity, you might tell her that you've learned a hard lesson and that you'd undo it if you could.
She needs to be brought out of her funk, and I don't think you're doing either one of you any favor by letting her live within it.
Wife was "betrayed, blah blah blah..."
I'm not married and have no children. But one of my best friends is 42-yrs.old. Works full time, sometimes 50+ hours a week. His wife works almost full time. He has four kids ranging from 18 months to 17 years, three of which live in his house whereas his oldest, from a previous relationship, also requires he run her around when needed and stays with him part of the week. To top it all off, he just had a major heart attack! Yet...
They manage this without a live-in, full time adult "friend" babysitter. My question is why did the OP's wife, presumably who doesn't work, need her friend to move in as a caretaker? Especially when some of the children are in their teens and should be able to help out. It just seems rather odd to me, and pretty awful that people around here are solely demonizing the OP while giving this women that seems to lack interest in her children takes revenge by ruining finances and seems quite irresponsible in her own right. I'm not condoning the affair in anyway. But neither does her behavior of sitting in her room listening to The Smiths/Morrissey exactly entail "victim" status nor merit condoning...
Originally Posted By: Nickdfresh
Originally Posted By: scurvy
Originally Posted By: TooManyWheels
How long are you going to keep letting her play the victim?
In what universe isn't she the victim?
In the universe of reality where everything isn't black-and-white...
Exactly.
The guy acted badly, but put yourself in his shoes.
He is working like a dog and feels neglected and taken for granted by his wife.
A sweet young thing comes along and gives him the attention his wife hasn't and he feels young and virile again.
Not defending his actions, but I think there is the context that should be considered.
Originally Posted By: scurvy
Originally Posted By: TooManyWheels
How long are you going to keep letting her play the victim?
In what universe isn't she the victim?
In the universe of reality where everything isn't black-and-white...
Exactly.
The guy acted badly, but put yourself in his shoes.
He is working like a dog and feels neglected and taken for granted by his wife.
A sweet young thing comes along and gives him the attention his wife hasn't and he feels young and virile again.
Not defending his actions, but I think there is the context that should be considered.
Good luck. My wife and I have been through some stuff, and I can tell you that if you're both more than half committed, you'll make it.
But you both need to want it. And you need to take the time for it.. and don't give up. So many people end up alone or ruining families because they just won't compromise..
But you both need to want it. And you need to take the time for it.. and don't give up. So many people end up alone or ruining families because they just won't compromise..
Quote:
Exactly.
The guy acted badly, but put yourself in his shoes.
He is working like a dog and feels neglected and taken for granted by his wife.
A sweet young thing comes along and gives him the attention his wife hasn't and he feels young and virile again.
Not defending his actions, but I think there is the context that should be considered.
Working 50-60 hours per week does not justify him taking off his clothes and getting into bed with another woman. Maybe his wife was too occupied with all the kids for quality time with him ?
Again, next time he should think about the big picture if he decides to sin.
Exactly.
The guy acted badly, but put yourself in his shoes.
He is working like a dog and feels neglected and taken for granted by his wife.
A sweet young thing comes along and gives him the attention his wife hasn't and he feels young and virile again.
Not defending his actions, but I think there is the context that should be considered.
Working 50-60 hours per week does not justify him taking off his clothes and getting into bed with another woman. Maybe his wife was too occupied with all the kids for quality time with him ?
Again, next time he should think about the big picture if he decides to sin.
Originally Posted By: rat
...Not to mention the attention and persuit from a twenty something sexually aggressive woman offering to pleasure me just hit me where I was weakest. No excuses. I messed up and its no one elses fault. I could have avoided this whole mess. I made a horrible choice and now I have to take what I get.
IMO - You obviously should have turned her down, the fact that you can attract twenty-something women should be enough. Obviously you're a man and are going to be tempted. But saying "no" only builds your power, and makes you more of a man when in a committed relationship. You should have been more proactive and addressed the obvious problems in your relationship with your wife immediately after that rather than simply giving in and getting back. That being said, it's water under the bridge...
Originally Posted By: rat
Originally Posted By: satinsilver
...
Is she pretty? Are you still attracted to her? I'm guessing it might be awhile before you have intimate relations with her. So what are you going to do about your needs? Especially, needs that are required to lead a perfectly normal life. Something has to be addressed.
I think she is gorgeous. I'm totally attracted to her. We actually have sex quite often. Its hard to explain. Sometimes its like she loves me and is happy to be with me, and other times she can't be in the room with me. She has taken some antidepressants and they didn't work very well, kinda made her into a zombie so we weaned her off them.
"Attraction is not a choice"...
What's happening here is she is still attracted to you - possibly more so BECAUSE of the affair, not in spite of it. You need to understand this moving forward if you seek to save your marriage. You might have triggered primal instincts for competition and made yourself even more desirable to her in many respects as our evolutionary biology didn't exactly make monogamous relationships easy - yet need to be somewhat understood in order to make them work. Albeit, cheating is a really [censored] way of doing this; but that might be what is happening. If that's the case than she is conflicted and confused as she reviles you for what you've done yet is still very much drawn to you because you're still and attractive partner she may still be very much in love with. By "walking on egg shells" and solely blaming yourself for your transgressions while she (and you) only rationalize her's will only decrease what attraction she has for you. I don't agree with everything Javacontour says, nor am I a big fan of relationship "gurus" who singularly have all the answers. But I think much of his advice is solid here and you need to stop repeating your mistakes of being passive and need to become more of a leader if you want to save your marriage. Otherwise, you need to move on. But simply hopping from relationship counselor to counselor until finding one that gives her the opinion she wants to hear will not solve this. That opinion being that you're the only problem and not that she's also failing to work at your mutual relationship. Obviously, she's depressed because she feels like she failed in this, but the fact that you still want her shows her otherwise. Stop acting like a "wussy" and walking on eggshells and showing her where you've been and start showing her you only want to be with her from now on. Or get out...
Also, consider doing some research on natural supplements over prescribed meds. I understand some people swear by St. John's Wart as a natural, mild antidepressant...
...Not to mention the attention and persuit from a twenty something sexually aggressive woman offering to pleasure me just hit me where I was weakest. No excuses. I messed up and its no one elses fault. I could have avoided this whole mess. I made a horrible choice and now I have to take what I get.
IMO - You obviously should have turned her down, the fact that you can attract twenty-something women should be enough. Obviously you're a man and are going to be tempted. But saying "no" only builds your power, and makes you more of a man when in a committed relationship. You should have been more proactive and addressed the obvious problems in your relationship with your wife immediately after that rather than simply giving in and getting back. That being said, it's water under the bridge...
Originally Posted By: rat
Originally Posted By: satinsilver
...
Is she pretty? Are you still attracted to her? I'm guessing it might be awhile before you have intimate relations with her. So what are you going to do about your needs? Especially, needs that are required to lead a perfectly normal life. Something has to be addressed.
I think she is gorgeous. I'm totally attracted to her. We actually have sex quite often. Its hard to explain. Sometimes its like she loves me and is happy to be with me, and other times she can't be in the room with me. She has taken some antidepressants and they didn't work very well, kinda made her into a zombie so we weaned her off them.
"Attraction is not a choice"...
What's happening here is she is still attracted to you - possibly more so BECAUSE of the affair, not in spite of it. You need to understand this moving forward if you seek to save your marriage. You might have triggered primal instincts for competition and made yourself even more desirable to her in many respects as our evolutionary biology didn't exactly make monogamous relationships easy - yet need to be somewhat understood in order to make them work. Albeit, cheating is a really [censored] way of doing this; but that might be what is happening. If that's the case than she is conflicted and confused as she reviles you for what you've done yet is still very much drawn to you because you're still and attractive partner she may still be very much in love with. By "walking on egg shells" and solely blaming yourself for your transgressions while she (and you) only rationalize her's will only decrease what attraction she has for you. I don't agree with everything Javacontour says, nor am I a big fan of relationship "gurus" who singularly have all the answers. But I think much of his advice is solid here and you need to stop repeating your mistakes of being passive and need to become more of a leader if you want to save your marriage. Otherwise, you need to move on. But simply hopping from relationship counselor to counselor until finding one that gives her the opinion she wants to hear will not solve this. That opinion being that you're the only problem and not that she's also failing to work at your mutual relationship. Obviously, she's depressed because she feels like she failed in this, but the fact that you still want her shows her otherwise. Stop acting like a "wussy" and walking on eggshells and showing her where you've been and start showing her you only want to be with her from now on. Or get out...
Also, consider doing some research on natural supplements over prescribed meds. I understand some people swear by St. John's Wart as a natural, mild antidepressant...
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Originally Posted By: LT4 Vette
Quote:
Exactly.
The guy acted badly, but put yourself in his shoes.
He is working like a dog and feels neglected and taken for granted by his wife.
A sweet young thing comes along and gives him the attention his wife hasn't and he feels young and virile again.
Not defending his actions, but I think there is the context that should be considered.
Working 50-60 hours per week does not justify him taking off his clothes and getting into bed with another woman. Maybe his wife was too occupied with all the kids for quality time with him ?
Again, next time he should think about the big picture if he decides to sin.
With a live in babysitter and no employement outside the home, the wife should have found a little time to make her husband feel valued.
This thread is as much a cautionary tale for wives as it is for husbands.
Both partners need to work at a healthy marriage.
Judge not lest ye be judged.
Quote:
Exactly.
The guy acted badly, but put yourself in his shoes.
He is working like a dog and feels neglected and taken for granted by his wife.
A sweet young thing comes along and gives him the attention his wife hasn't and he feels young and virile again.
Not defending his actions, but I think there is the context that should be considered.
Working 50-60 hours per week does not justify him taking off his clothes and getting into bed with another woman. Maybe his wife was too occupied with all the kids for quality time with him ?
Again, next time he should think about the big picture if he decides to sin.
With a live in babysitter and no employement outside the home, the wife should have found a little time to make her husband feel valued.
This thread is as much a cautionary tale for wives as it is for husbands.
Both partners need to work at a healthy marriage.
Judge not lest ye be judged.
Originally Posted By: LT4 Vette
Working 50-60 hours per week does not justify him taking off his clothes and getting into bed with another woman. Maybe his wife was too occupied with all the kids for quality time with him ?
Did Nick not just say he was not justifying this man's decision? Do not brow beat.
What he was explaining was that we should view it from both angles. There may be more here than meets the eye. AGAIN just because I say this I do not condoning the cheating - OBVIOUSLY. But there is more to this story perhaps. Again, do not brow beat. This OP has been through enough already.
Working 50-60 hours per week does not justify him taking off his clothes and getting into bed with another woman. Maybe his wife was too occupied with all the kids for quality time with him ?
Did Nick not just say he was not justifying this man's decision? Do not brow beat.
What he was explaining was that we should view it from both angles. There may be more here than meets the eye. AGAIN just because I say this I do not condoning the cheating - OBVIOUSLY. But there is more to this story perhaps. Again, do not brow beat. This OP has been through enough already.
Before the affair, I'd agree with you, that both of them were victims. The problem is, he went nuclear in a conventional war and his wife, the one who was supposed to be his partner is now the victim of an emotional sucking chest wound.
He gave up the victim card when he betrayed his wife. Before his affair, I'd agree. After the affair, his status as a victim is like that of someone who cannot have their favorite flavor if ice cream compared to those live in a third world nation starving.
It just doesn't measure up to the damage he has done to her.
Originally Posted By: Nickdfresh
Originally Posted By: scurvy
Originally Posted By: TooManyWheels
How long are you going to keep letting her play the victim?
In what universe isn't she the victim?
In the universe of reality where everything isn't black-and-white...
He gave up the victim card when he betrayed his wife. Before his affair, I'd agree. After the affair, his status as a victim is like that of someone who cannot have their favorite flavor if ice cream compared to those live in a third world nation starving.
It just doesn't measure up to the damage he has done to her.
Originally Posted By: Nickdfresh
Originally Posted By: scurvy
Originally Posted By: TooManyWheels
How long are you going to keep letting her play the victim?
In what universe isn't she the victim?
In the universe of reality where everything isn't black-and-white...
Originally Posted By: Panzerman
I probably wouldnt have the patience of you. I would confront her and TELL her, either we move on or its over. I would call her bluff. From what I read, and itr was alot. I think all this pity you have for her, is doing nothing more than breeding more self pity in her. She is at the point she feels she desrves it. Life is too short, you are sorry, you made attempts to amend, if she can not let go and move on, then she can hold that feeling forever, it does not mean you have to. Move on. You have shown to be a responsible parent and support your family, anybody that "claims" they havent been tempted by a younger woman is either a liar, too ugly or gay. It happens, it happened to you and you are doing your best to make amends, but I certainly would not put up with her not meeting you at least half way. Regardless of all "I am better than you" on here, opinion, truth is, if she would have been a little sex muffin, there is no way you would have strayed. Sex is the glue to a marrige, I dont care what anyone claims. It smooths out alot and keeps everybody Happy, Happy, Happy!
Um, you might want to consult a divorce attorney before proceeding with that plan of action, especially in a common law state where no prenup exists.
With the facts as stated, the OP is setting himself up to get owned in a divorce.
I probably wouldnt have the patience of you. I would confront her and TELL her, either we move on or its over. I would call her bluff. From what I read, and itr was alot. I think all this pity you have for her, is doing nothing more than breeding more self pity in her. She is at the point she feels she desrves it. Life is too short, you are sorry, you made attempts to amend, if she can not let go and move on, then she can hold that feeling forever, it does not mean you have to. Move on. You have shown to be a responsible parent and support your family, anybody that "claims" they havent been tempted by a younger woman is either a liar, too ugly or gay. It happens, it happened to you and you are doing your best to make amends, but I certainly would not put up with her not meeting you at least half way. Regardless of all "I am better than you" on here, opinion, truth is, if she would have been a little sex muffin, there is no way you would have strayed. Sex is the glue to a marrige, I dont care what anyone claims. It smooths out alot and keeps everybody Happy, Happy, Happy!
Um, you might want to consult a divorce attorney before proceeding with that plan of action, especially in a common law state where no prenup exists.
With the facts as stated, the OP is setting himself up to get owned in a divorce.
dumb [censored]
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