Had an affair.....

[Mr_Incredible]

Seek professional help for yourself, at the least. For both of you if she'll accept.

Six kids? That's a lot of child support.

Mistakes were made. Salvage what you can. Fulfill whatever responsibilites you have, regardless of the personal costs to you. No whining about what you're going to be doing without in the future.

Man up.

 

[daves87rs]

I have to admit a lot of respect here for rat, even knowing he was going to get bashed majorly here by people on this board. He is even still answering questions too....kudos. People need to realize he is taking that big step-admiting fault, and trying to do whatever he can to fix it.

Us guys in general are stupid when it comes to ourselves. Those who say otherwise just haven't seen real hot women come on to you then.

Maybe it's just the hunt that many women (it seems) to go after married men. I've been given so much opportunity, whether it's me or my job, who knows. A few women have tried hard, but in the end, the most important woman I know (and love) sleeps with me every night. I'm sure I'll be tested again (an maybe again), but my focus will never change.


If you've really screwed up, tell just how stupid you are..repeat it until she understands. (mind you, I'm trying to say this in a nice way) Tell her you'll do whatever it takes...even if it makes your life a living heck for a while. At some point she's gotta pull herself together...my guess with that much emotion, she just needs to give you a good beatdown (whether verbal or other) to get it all out. You've got a lot to do, so give it your best shot.

And for those who say lawyer up, I gotta laugh. With six kids, he'll get hung real bad. So at this point, he can live without his manhood for a while, he has nothing to lose by trying hard...

 

[Vikas]

Do you have a best friend? Can you see in your mind him and your wife getting it on behind your back? Do you think you would accept her back with open arms? Imagine the advice you will get in this forum!

Try to think how you would you feel if the situation were reversed.

 

[rat]

Originally Posted By: PandaBear
How old are the kids? If they are all relatively young then divorce would be very difficult on them especially they are yours, hers, ours kind of deal.

However moving away from the house also would be difficult for them since now the burden to take care of all 6 of them are solely on your wife.

If financially possible, I say hire someone that could help out with the kids at home, and as someone to talk to by your wife. Make sure it is someone older so you will have no possible reason to have any affair with her.


Our kids range from 3 to 15. She asked me to leave last year and I stayed with my sister for a few days then she asked me to come back. As far as hiring someone, money isn't there. That is a whole other issue. Everything is running at least a month behind on bills. She started spending to try to make herself feel better..

 

[rat]

Originally Posted By: Vikas
Do you have a best friend? Can you see in your mind him and your wife getting it on behind your back? Do you think you would accept her back with open arms? Imagine the advice you will get in this forum!

Try to think how you would you feel if the situation were reversed.


I've thought about that many times. The boyfriend of the other woman approached my wife asking for the revenge get together. Didn't work. She does enjoy that other men find her hot, and she does enjoy making sure that I know about it.

 

[Drew99GT]

Originally Posted By: PandaBear


Now the kids...


+1. At some point you have to stop worrying about you and your wife and do what is absolute best for the kids. You can try and save face to them openly, but when they hear fighting and they see their mom depressed etc. and no one talks to them openly and honestly about what's going on, it builds up and must be released. I've seen some familys growing up that had all kinds of problems, but as long as an open and honest conversation was always going, everything seemed to work out. OTOH, families where everyone knows everyone else's secrets but know one talks about them, especially with kids, ended up having much more problems.

 

[rat]

Just some background. My wife and I have been best friends since we were 13. We became a couple in high school. Broke up after graduation and ended up marrying other people and having families and both getting divorced and finding each other. We've been married for 8 years. During the summer in question, I was working an hour away. One full time job and a part time evening and weekend job. I was gone at 6 am and not home till between 11 and midnight during the week. Usually came home to chaos and the house being a wreck and me doing dishes before I went to bed. Wife was either watching tv with everyone or asleep when I got home. Never any us time. We started growing apart and I felt very unappreciated and taken for granted. Instead of doing the right thing and talking to my wife about how I was feeling and trying to make it better, I let the bitterness of thinking that I do everything already and shouldn't have to beg her for attention too get the better of me. Not to mention the attention and persuit from a twenty something sexually aggressive woman offering to pleasure me just hit me where I was weakest. No excuses. I messed up and its no one elses fault. I could have avoided this whole mess. I made a horrible choice and now I have to take what I get.

 

[javacontour]

It's good that you are stepping up and you know what you did wrong so that you can avoid falling in the same trap.

Seriously look at the materials over at www.marriagebuilders.com

You wife may need to look into Anti-Depressants for a time to help her cope. I'm not one to say pop a pill for everything, but sometimes the circumstances warrant a little help until better habits and patterns can be learned and put into place.

Seriously, you said it yourself. You and your wife became disconnected. It's going to take some serious effort on the part of both of you. You said it has been this way for 15 months. That doesn't mean you or your wife are defective. It means the way the two of you are dealing with it is ineffective.

You got on this train most likely months before she did, so she's behind. You knew about the affair when it started, and it wasn't a shock to you. She found out when it was discovered and she's that far behind. Add in the destructive nature of affairs on the betrayed spouse and your betrayed wife is right where I would expect someone who is getting poor advice to be.

Did you know that 86% of marriage counselors fail? They focus on the wrong things. Dr Harley has as close to a 100% success rate when both spouses work the program. He also can help you in your approach to help her out of her withdrawal.

No guarantee that she'll join. My ex-wife refused to end her affair. But what I learned has helped me immensely in my marriage and other relationships.

Even if she refuses to work on herself, you can't go wrong by working on your side of the street.

What do you have to lose?

Originally Posted By: rat
Just some background. My wife and I have been best friends since we were 13. We became a couple in high school. Broke up after graduation and ended up marrying other people and having families and both getting divorced and finding each other. We've been married for 8 years. During the summer in question, I was working an hour away. One full time job and a part time evening and weekend job. I was gone at 6 am and not home till between 11 and midnight during the week. Usually came home to chaos and the house being a wreck and me doing dishes before I went to bed. Wife was either watching tv with everyone or asleep when I got home. Never any us time. We started growing apart and I felt very unappreciated and taken for granted. Instead of doing the right thing and talking to my wife about how I was feeling and trying to make it better, I let the bitterness of thinking that I do everything already and shouldn't have to beg her for attention too get the better of me. Not to mention the attention and persuit from a twenty something sexually aggressive woman offering to pleasure me just hit me where I was weakest. No excuses. I messed up and its no one elses fault. I could have avoided this whole mess. I made a horrible choice and now I have to take what I get.

 

[TooManyWheels]

Originally Posted By: javacontour

You wife may need to look into Anti-Depressants for a time to help her cope. I'm not one to say pop a pill for everything, but sometimes the circumstances warrant a little help until better habits and patterns can be learned and put into place.

Seriously, you said it yourself. You and your wife became disconnected. It's going to take some serious effort on the part of both of you. You said it has been this way for 15 months. That doesn't mean you or your wife are defective. It means the way the two of you are dealing with it is ineffective.

You got on this train most likely months before she did, so she's behind. You knew about the affair when it started, and it wasn't a shock to you. She found out when it was discovered and she's that far behind. Add in the destructive nature of affairs on the betrayed spouse and your betrayed wife is right where I would expect someone who is getting poor advice to be.

Did you know that 86% of marriage counselors fail? They focus on the wrong things. Dr Harley has as close to a 100% success rate when both spouses work the program. He also can help you in your approach to help her out of her withdrawal.

No guarantee that she'll join. My ex-wife refused to end her affair. But what I learned has helped me immensely in my marriage and other relationships.

Even if she refuses to work on herself, you can't go wrong by working on your side of the street.



I think there is a lot of insight in this post, except my reading is that the wife actually disconnected from the relationship first, probably due to the pressure of having children to deal with. Everything in a relationship is co-created, so I am sure she created that situation of the children as much as he did, but when that became too much, a life she no longer wanted, she withdrew from her own life, and her husband. The rest was just circumstances taking their natural direction.

I don't think the board should put all the blame on our poster. My read is that he is engaged and trying to fix the problem. She is avoiding it, as she was doing before.

 

[rat]

Originally Posted By: TooManyWheels
Originally Posted By: javacontour

You wife may need to look into Anti-Depressants for a time to help her cope. I'm not one to say pop a pill for everything, but sometimes the circumstances warrant a little help until better habits and patterns can be learned and put into place.

Seriously, you said it yourself. You and your wife became disconnected. It's going to take some serious effort on the part of both of you. You said it has been this way for 15 months. That doesn't mean you or your wife are defective. It means the way the two of you are dealing with it is ineffective.



You got on this train most likely months before she did, so she's behind. You knew about the affair when it started, and it wasn't a shock to you. She found out when it was discovered and she's that far behind. Add in the destructive nature of affairs on the betrayed spouse and your betrayed wife is right where I would expect someone who is getting poor advice to be.

Did you know that 86% of marriage counselors fail? They focus on the wrong things. Dr Harley has as close to a 100% success rate when both spouses work the program. He also can help you in your approach to help her out of her withdrawal.

No guarantee that she'll join. My ex-wife refused to end her affair. But what I learned has helped me immensely in my marriage and other relationships.

Even if she refuses to work on herself, you can't go wrong by working on your side of the street.



I think there is a lot of insight in this post, except my reading is that the wife actually disconnected from the relationship first, probably due to the pressure of having children to deal with. Everything in a relationship is co-created, so I am sure she created that situation of the children as much as he did, but when that became too much, a life she no longer wanted, she withdrew from her own life, and her husband. The rest was just circumstances taking their natural direction.

I don't think the board should put all the blame on our poster. My read is that he is engaged and trying to fix the problem. She is avoiding it, as she was doing before.



She actually did try to connect with me at one point. She saw that we were growing apart and tried to get closer to me and fix things, but by that point I was in deep in the stupid affair and pushed away as a result.

 

[javacontour]

So what is your plan to reconnect with her?

When you dated, you probably didn't sit around talking about problems and what you each did wrong.

Start re-creating memorable dates that you know she loved when you were dating.

The way out of withdrawal is by action, not heavy conversation and naval gazing.

If she wants to talk, listen. Don't be defensive, hear her feelings. If you see a crack where she's exposed something, capitalize.

You cannot force her out from behind her walls, but you can entice her to come out if she perceives that what you have to offer is better than the "safety" she enjoys in her withdrawn state.

 

[SatinSilver]

Originally Posted By: rat
Just some background. My wife and I have been best friends since we were 13. We became a couple in high school. Broke up after graduation and ended up marrying other people and having families and both getting divorced and finding each other. We've been married for 8 years. During the summer in question, I was working an hour away. One full time job and a part time evening and weekend job.


Is she pretty? Are you still attracted to her? I'm guessing it might be awhile before you have intimate relations with her. So what are you going to do about your needs? Especially, needs that are required to lead a perfectly normal life. Something has to be addressed.

 

[Smoky14]

Hate to say it,but it sounds like she has you right where she wants you.
Kids come first, be as good a Dad as you can be.

 

[rshaw125]

You should have manned up and moved out. Close by with a buddy. Time apart would have shown if you're really to be together again. Still being around daily keeps everything fresh. After sometime apart it would become obvious as to whether she wants to continue to be married to you. You screwed up you needed to roll.

 

[OVERKILL]

Originally Posted By: rshaw125
You should have manned up and moved out. Close by with a buddy. Time apart would have shown if you're really to be together again. Still being around daily keeps everything fresh. After sometime apart it would become obvious as to whether she wants to continue to be married to you. You screwed up you needed to roll.


He mentioned later in the thread that he DID move out for a while, but his wife wanted him to come back, so he did.

 

[rat]

Originally Posted By: rshaw125
You should have manned up and moved out. Close by with a buddy. Time apart would have shown if you're really to be together again. Still being around daily keeps everything fresh. After sometime apart it would become obvious as to whether she wants to continue to be married to you. You screwed up you needed to roll.


Not that simple. I don't have any single friends that I could stay with, and I need someplace i could have my kids. Not to mention that I have zero money to leave if I wanted to and she has ruined my credit.

 

[rat]

Originally Posted By: Smoky14
Hate to say it,but it sounds like she has you right where she wants you.
Kids come first, be as good a Dad as you can be.


This pretty much sums up where it is.

 

[rat]

Originally Posted By: satinsilver
Originally Posted By: rat
Just some background. My wife and I have been best friends since we were 13. We became a couple in high school. Broke up after graduation and ended up marrying other people and having families and both getting divorced and finding each other. We've been married for 8 years. During the summer in question, I was working an hour away. One full time job and a part time evening and weekend job.


Is she pretty? Are you still attracted to her? I'm guessing it might be awhile before you have intimate relations with her. So what are you going to do about your needs? Especially, needs that are required to lead a perfectly normal life. Something has to be addressed.


I think she is gorgeous. I'm totally attracted to her. We actually have sex quite often. Its hard to explain. Sometimes its like she loves me and is happy to be with me, and other times she can't be in the room with me. She has taken some antidepressants and they didn't work very well, kinda made her into a zombie so we weaned her off them.

 

[PandaBear]

Originally Posted By: rat
Just some background. My wife and I have been best friends since we were 13. We became a couple in high school. Broke up after graduation and ended up marrying other people and having families and both getting divorced and finding each other. We've been married for 8 years. During the summer in question, I was working an hour away. One full time job and a part time evening and weekend job. I was gone at 6 am and not home till between 11 and midnight during the week. Usually came home to chaos and the house being a wreck and me doing dishes before I went to bed. Wife was either watching tv with everyone or asleep when I got home. Never any us time. We started growing apart and I felt very unappreciated and taken for granted. Instead of doing the right thing and talking to my wife about how I was feeling and trying to make it better, I let the bitterness of thinking that I do everything already and shouldn't have to beg her for attention too get the better of me. Not to mention the attention and persuit from a twenty something sexually aggressive woman offering to pleasure me just hit me where I was weakest. No excuses. I messed up and its no one elses fault. I could have avoided this whole mess. I made a horrible choice and now I have to take what I get.


This info tells us a lot about what's really happening that lead up to the mess, at least from your point of view.

So handling 6 kids is the cause of a lot of these problems, both you and your wife are/were burnt out. She took it out by watching TV and just leave the chores undone, you took it out by being mad at her and having an affair. She now tries to cope with it by spending money you guys don't have, and you tries to get her to forgive you.

I think having her "forgive" you is not what you should be focusing on right now. The fundamental problem of having too many kids in the house (not blaming anyone of you since you guys had kids from prior marriage) isn't going to be solved until they grow up and move away. You two also were marrying the high school version of each other instead of who you guys really become later on in life, but the truth is everyone changes and you will never find another high school version of each other in the same person anymore. What you should be focusing on is first of all the kids, so they can grow up in an as healthy environment as possible and then try to heal the wound of the affair after they all grow up and move out. You need to focus on this even if there was never any affair, handling 6 kids are tough especially if you do not have the income (1 month behind on bill).

Don't try to focus on the marriage right now, focus on doing what's the best for the kids. When she realize it is all about the kids she'll realize she too needs to accept the reality of being a role model as well.

The good news is, kids grow up and they'll leave, and time will be on your side as long as she could cope with her wound.

 

[TooManyWheels]

Originally Posted By: rat
Its hard to explain. Sometimes its like she loves me and is happy to be with me, and other times she can't be in the room with me.


That is a big clue. Keep looking into the personality disorders. For instance, people with Borderline swing between thinking you are the best person in the world and the worst. And it doesn't have to be just one, in fact I don't think it is an exaggeration to say it seldom is. Almost any one can be co-morbid with almost any other.

Does the idea of walking on eggshells resonate with your experience in any way? Always being off balance, always being on the defensive? Always having to take the blame for whatever happens?