Do similar personalities mesh the best when married?

[John105]

Getting personal, I’ve had a wife leave with child. Other than prison, that’s the deepest darkest hole a person can ever find themselves in. Not easy to reason or think one’s way out of such a jam.

A lot of soul searching occurs and people who care in such a scenario will reveal themselves. May not even be a blood relative.

The positive side is likely if one can get through it, things can get better.

I’ve always felt a lot of happy marriages are in fact fake, or a show.

I have a friend who’s an army doc former fighter pilot. Always cool. One time at his house his wife said to put the steaks on the grill. He said out loud ***** ***** how many things do you want me to do at the same time!

I didn’t think less of him. I was glad to see my buddy show that he’s human.

 

[vavavroom]

Based on observation, I propose that similar personalities mesh best when divorced.

I don't believe personalities, outside of abnormal personalities, have to match for people to get along. Would be super boring. Crass differences in behavior, temperament, morals, beliefs, likes and dislikes are where friction occurs. Some friction is good, too much is not. You want to be able to engage with your spouse in a manner that is neither boring nor too wearying. Taking somone constantly out of their comfort zone is problematic.

I do know couples who are very samey-samey. I find that unsettling and I avoid them.

 

[TooManyWheels]

One should never, ever, marry someone greatly more neuro-divergent than themselves. Ask any mostly neuro-typical person in such a relationship.

The same goes for someone running toward life vs someone hiding from it, and control-oriented vs expression/freedom oriented.

Many other similar dimensions which shouldn't be cross-mixed. Dimensions of intelligence, complexity, language fluency, depth of emotions, desire for close emotional relationship vs relatively impersonal nesting/mainly role-oriented relationship.

 

[Dave Hess]

Values must align.

Personalities can be all over the map.

Yep. Values very important.

 

[JTK]

You have to spend about 3yrs with someone to know.

Ideally you do 6-9mo of pre-marital counselling as well. Who does this? Pretty much no one.

I've somehow made it ~25yrs. My bride and are quite different thankfully.

 

[John105]

You have to spend about 3yrs with someone to know.

Ideally you do 6-9mo of pre-marital counselling as well. Who does this? Pretty much no one.

I've somehow made it ~25yrs. My bride and are quite different thankfully.

imho people, when dating, are on their best behavior, when they feel they are interested in the next level, that is, beyond living together.

Which made me wonder myself. Are couples who stay together, when they have no children, do they have a tighter bond, like in the movie, "Up?"

And cultures are different. I've seen cultures where it seems perfectly fine for husbands to be working away long hours, while the family does it things and actually even vacations without the dad. I don't think everyone thinks that's cool.

My wife and I did Pre-Cana. It led us to Staten Island and Harlem (Archdiocese of NY).

My buddy who is divorced said he feels these are red flags (negative). Separate finances--my brother tells me that's normal. Things such as husband is not allowed to touch the thermostat--that to me is insanity. I know of 2 people in that boat, seriously. They are not allowed to adjust the HVAC, only the wife can do that.

 

[billt460]

.......And cultures are different.......

As is race. Especially in today's multicultural, mixed race society. Where we all have to walk on eggshells, and live in fear of possibly "offending someone". This data is out there, but a lot of it is difficult to find because of the before mentioned.

None of it changes facts. Multiculturalism has failed in most countries that have tried to adopt it. And it's getting worse, not better. Just look at all the violence taking place throughout Europe today, that didn't exist before this massive multicultural immigration started.

Personal divorce rates prove this because they often factually parallel it. In mixed race marriages, (of which the largest block of this are black men marrying white women), have a 200% greater risk of divorce, than the same white on white marital unions.

And remember that the white on white divorce rate is almost 50% after 7 years. Which is nothing to be bragging about in the first place. That is not to say one race is "bad", and the other is, "good". They just don't mix well socially, or in marriage. And that's a provable fact.

We're right back to the whole, "opposites attract, but don't last". In spite of today's progressive, "woke" society that just keeps on trucking with this whole disastrous social experiment, that's gone completely off the rails.

 

[PWMDMD]

I think it depends on which personality traits we're talking about here. I'm very happily married and my wife and I have similar beliefs about religion/God, politics, family, how to raise children, the importance of education, travel, music, movies, science, and how we show affection to each other. These traits are very important to our happiness because we have many things in common.

We differ significantly in extramarital/family goals and interests, careers, how we deal with stress, and I'm more type A and she is type B. This works in a sort of yin and yang where we aren't constantly stepping on each other's toes or having useless power battles.

 

[JTK]

.....My wife and I did Pre-Cana. It led us to Staten Island and Harlem (Archdiocese of NY)...

Same on the Pre-Cana. To me at the time, it was a church formality. Kind of a joke really.

If couples really did a true 6-9 month pre-marital counseling, I don't think too many would make it through it.

 

[PWMDMD]

We're right back to the whole, "opposites attract, but don't last". In spite of today's progressive, "woke" society that just keeps on trucking with this whole disastrous social experiment, that's gone completely off the rails.

View attachment 225219

Interesting take there. I know several very happily mixed-race marriages and I don't think any of them are the product of the woke agenda. We love who we love. At 6'5" I always pictured myself married to a 6'0" blonde Swede and instead, I'm very happily married to 5'2" Italian girl. She wasn't "my type" but we met and here we are 23 years later. This is similar to at least two of the mixed-race couples I know. Neither was looking to marry someone from another race but they met and fell in love and here they are 15 and 18 years later.

The only thing the "woke agenda" may be pushing is the idea that it's ok to fall in love with someone from another race, not that it's some kind of moral imperative, but I know that simplification isn't part of the narrative being pushed to half the country.

BTW...your point is rather worthless. If we look at all marriage and the divorce rate then none of us should get married at a rate > 50%. Divorce often leads to severe economic consequences and lots of heartache and pain for adults and children. Yet, many of us still take this risk and we manage to have a wonderful and fulfilling marriage despite the statistics. Many mixed-race marriages enjoy the same fulfillment despite the even worse statistics. We all take a significant risk in marriage.

Stats 101 - telling the terminal cancer patients they only had a tiny 1 in 10,000,000 chance of getting that cancer doesn't make them feel any better. Stats are about groups and populations and not individuals. Telling a happily married mixed-race couple that they have a higher rate of divorce doesn't make them love each other any less because their marriage is not that statistic.

 

[billt460]

.... If we look at all marriage and the divorce rate then none of us should get married at a rate > 50%........

That's bad, I agree. My point is from strictly a numbers standpoint, why run the additional risk of making it worse by adding another 200% to that already dismal figure?

And yeah, over the years I've known a few mixed race couples that have somehow managed to beat those odds. But it really doesn't change anything. I know people who have survived flooding, hurricanes, and riding motorcycles without helmets. It doesn't decrease the risk if you get away with it. Especially if the reward is no different.

 

[Gus_Mahn]

Married 33 years yesterday. Similar values, similar politically. She’s more uptight and phically motivated than me (30,000 + steps on her day off). Our parenting styles meshed, and it was always us as a team controlling the children. It also helps that neither of us is selfish.

I think it comes down to the fact that women in some degree need to be lead. Women with men that are weak or won’t take the reins when necessary will loose respect for that man and maybe even harbor resentment. The reality is in my own house my wife probably makes 70% of the decisions, but I always have the final say. It stops when I say it stops, and she doesn’t hold a grudge.

I’d also say that birth order is a factor in relationships. I’m the oldest of five. She’s the second youngest of five. I was the leader of group of siblings and she was lead by siblings as child. We didn’t have to work to define order in our relationship it was ingrained into each of us by our upbringing.

 

[billt460]

Another major factor is children. If one wants them and the other doesn't, it can cause a plethora of issues. You have to really plan and know each others strong and weak points as far as parenting. Then come the financial responsibilities.

There are women who think that having children "cements" the marriage together. When in fact it can have just the opposite effect.

Over the years I have know several couples that had kids who shouldn't of. The result is always that magical divorce. Along with the crippling financial devastation that accompanies it. Not to mention what it does to the kids who are often victimized by it.

 

[PWMDMD]

That's bad, I agree. My point is from strictly a numbers standpoint, why run the additional risk of making it worse by adding another 200% to that already dismal figure?

And yeah, over the years I've known a few mixed race couples that have somehow managed to beat those odds. But it really doesn't change anything. I know people who have survived flooding, hurricanes, and riding motorcycles without helmets. It doesn't decrease the risk if you get away with it. Especially if the reward is no different.

My point is stats are about collective groups and trends within those groups and not individuals. I'll assume your stats are correct but your conclusion fails to see the forest for the trees on several levels.

1. Why run additional risk? Because two people who know their particular situations better than we do decided to get married and this is a free country where they can make that choice - it's really is as simple as that. Said another way, what could you or I do about it? It is the epitome of none of our business.

2. Your comment on the woke agenda is also strangely off in an I watch too much Fox News and NewsMax kinda way. I'm in the heart of woke land and I don't hear anyone pushing the mixed-race agenda in any capacity - not even from the people who are in the mixed-race marriages. What's really going on is no one cares beyond supporting everyone's right to marry who they want to marry because it's none of our business, regardless of the stats.

This is part of the "wedge issue" debate that attempts to not only make a problem where no problem exists, but the idea that you or I or anyone has some say based on statistical data to IMPOSE our views on other's rights is antithetical to being American.

 

[Pew]

Interesting take there. I know several very happily mixed-race marriages and I don't think any of them are the product of the woke agenda. We love who we love. At 6'5" I always pictured myself married to a 6'0" blonde Swede and instead, I'm very happily married to 5'2" Italian girl. She wasn't "my type" but we met and here we are 23 years later. This is similar to at least two of the mixed-race couples I know. Neither was looking to marry someone from another race but they met and fell in love and here they are 15 and 18 years later.

The only thing the "woke agenda" may be pushing is the idea that it's ok to fall in love with someone from another race, not that it's some kind of moral imperative, but I know that simplification isn't part of the narrative being pushed to half the country.

BTW...your point is rather worthless. If we look at all marriage and the divorce rate then none of us should get married at a rate > 50%. Divorce often leads to severe economic consequences and lots of heartache and pain for adults and children. Yet, many of us still take this risk and we manage to have a wonderful and fulfilling marriage despite the statistics. Many mixed-race marriages enjoy the same fulfillment despite the even worse statistics. We all take a significant risk in marriage.

Stats 101 - telling the terminal cancer patients they only had a tiny 1 in 10,000,000 chance of getting that cancer doesn't make them feel any better. Stats are about groups and populations and not individuals. Telling a happily married mixed-race couple that they have a higher rate of divorce doesn't make them love each other any less because their marriage is not that statistic.

That picture was from a 2009 article based off CDC national growth of family statistics 2006-2009 questionnaire. Unfortunately the picture itself does not show other statistics but similar studies explain the possible differences like education, culture, etc.

As someone who's exclusively dated outside his own race, cultural differences in a micro-cultural base is the biggest challenge; aka where one person grew up in a radically different environment.

 

[PWMDMD]

That picture was from a 2009 article based off CDC national growth of family statistics 2006-2009 questionnaire. Unfortunately the picture itself does not show other statistics but similar studies explain the possible differences like education, culture, etc.

As someone who's exclusively dated outside his own race, cultural differences in a micro-cultural base is the biggest challenge; aka where one person grew up in a radically different environment.

Sure, and to be clear, I'm in no way saying mixed-race relationships don't have many additional struggles, they absolutely do, and I based on the stats the end result is often these additional struggles are too much for the relationship to last compared to non-mixed-race marriages. My point really is who cares? It's none of our business.

 

[John105]

Same on the Pre-Cana. To me at the time, it was a church formality. Kind of a joke really.

If couples really did a true 6-9 month pre-marital counseling, I don't think too many would make it through it.

Again I’m getting personal but I don’t think it’s a natural scenario other than to have a “normal” family life. As if one weren’t married with children one is not normal. But why not…

 

[John105]

Sure, and to be clear, I'm in no way saying mixed-race relationships don't have many additional struggles, they absolutely do, and I based on the stats the end result is often these additional struggles are too much for the relationship to last compared to non-mixed-race marriages. My point really is who cares? It's none of our business.

I’ve noticed that many commercials now show mixed raced couples. I think to myself marketing isn’t based on nothing. This must sell…

Hey how about mixed upbringings…my wife came from wealth. It’s not something that is just switched off. There are times she comes across as if she were royalty and it has put people off. I told her you and Ivanka should hang out…. Lol

 

[Pew]

Sure, and to be clear, I'm in no way saying mixed-race relationships don't have many additional struggles, they absolutely do, and I based on the stats the end result is often these additional struggles are too much for the relationship to last compared to non-mixed-race marriages. My point really is who cares? It's none of our business.

Absolutely - I agree with everything you stated. Every relationship has its own challenges and rewards but like you said in the end, it's not any of our business

 

[billt460]

Sure, and to be clear, I'm in no way saying mixed-race relationships don't have many additional struggles, they absolutely do, and I based on the stats the end result is often these additional struggles are too much for the relationship to last compared to non-mixed-race marriages.

That's all I was trying to point out. It's strictly information to absorb or ignore. It has nothing to do with Newsmax, Fox, or anything else....... Including where you live. You're reading way too much into it.