Bachelors - Pressure for marriage
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Originally Posted By: javacontour
I agree with don't breed them if you won't feed them.
But what of the guys like me who were the faithful ones, but because wifey thinks the grass is greener, and the general opinion is if wifey is cheating, it must be hubbies fault, the kids go away with the unfaithful mom.
Realize that 66 to 75 percent of all divorces are sought by women. It's not because men are worse behaved. After all, if men are having affairs, is it with other men? Of course not. So all of the social hand-wringing about absent dads is largely a red herring. Stop giving moms custody of their kids when they decide they are tired of dad and you'll find more and more women willing to work on their marriage instead of disposing of their husband while hoping to keep the house, get alimony and child support.
(My ex even wanted me to pay for her lawyer for a divorce I didn't even want. I suggested she have her lover pay her legal fees since she was cheating. It was ugly.)
I simply wonder how many single moms either volunteered or created the situation by removing their baby daddy from the situation?
So let's not just blame the men. As far as marriage goes, women end them up to three times as often as men. Yet we still keep hearing about the absent father.
When will we begin to hear in relative proportion about the wife who is unfaithful and/or simply wants to end her marriage? I for one am tired of men getting the blame for something that in 66 to 75 percent of cases, he didn't even choose, but was forced upon him due to prevalence of No Fault Divorce.
You sound a lot like my friend and what he went through. It is really scary how women can cheat, be abusive, or just flat out decide they want out and they still get everything. The husband can be the best ever and it doesn't matter. Man + Divorce = SCREWED!
My friend's ex dropped her legal fees on him among other crazy things like demanding he return a bottle of ketchup he took when he left. The judge okayed it all for the most part( even the ketchup ). Try this one if you want your blood to boil. She also asked for things left to him in his Dad's will that weren't even his. Mainly his Dad's very valuable antique model train collection( because she knows how much it means to my friend ). The judge obviously couldn't award her property that someone not in the divorce owned BUT he did assign a value to those things and that was part of my friends "assets he could keep" that ate a big chunk of the money up he would have been able to keep otherwise. Most crooked and ridiculous thing I have ever seen.
My friend fought it as far as he could. He even had the state supreme court agree that his civil rights had been violated( LONG stories )and that the divorce judge( Marital Master actually ), who had been disciplined for misconduct before but miraculously reassigned and not fired, was way out of line. However, they refused to do anything and upheld everything they agreed with my friend was wrong. I don't get it. What is the point of an appeal if the appeals court/judge agrees you got screwed but refuse to step in?
My friend tried to get the local media to air his story as well( mainly to help his kids who are bigger victims than my friend is ). They all wanted to but feared law suits and the back lash from women's organizations. They wanted to help but couldn't afford the PR hit. Just a no win situation with NO RELIEF for men in a divorce out there.
I agree with don't breed them if you won't feed them.
But what of the guys like me who were the faithful ones, but because wifey thinks the grass is greener, and the general opinion is if wifey is cheating, it must be hubbies fault, the kids go away with the unfaithful mom.
Realize that 66 to 75 percent of all divorces are sought by women. It's not because men are worse behaved. After all, if men are having affairs, is it with other men? Of course not. So all of the social hand-wringing about absent dads is largely a red herring. Stop giving moms custody of their kids when they decide they are tired of dad and you'll find more and more women willing to work on their marriage instead of disposing of their husband while hoping to keep the house, get alimony and child support.
(My ex even wanted me to pay for her lawyer for a divorce I didn't even want. I suggested she have her lover pay her legal fees since she was cheating. It was ugly.)
I simply wonder how many single moms either volunteered or created the situation by removing their baby daddy from the situation?
So let's not just blame the men. As far as marriage goes, women end them up to three times as often as men. Yet we still keep hearing about the absent father.
When will we begin to hear in relative proportion about the wife who is unfaithful and/or simply wants to end her marriage? I for one am tired of men getting the blame for something that in 66 to 75 percent of cases, he didn't even choose, but was forced upon him due to prevalence of No Fault Divorce.
You sound a lot like my friend and what he went through. It is really scary how women can cheat, be abusive, or just flat out decide they want out and they still get everything. The husband can be the best ever and it doesn't matter. Man + Divorce = SCREWED!
My friend's ex dropped her legal fees on him among other crazy things like demanding he return a bottle of ketchup he took when he left. The judge okayed it all for the most part( even the ketchup ). Try this one if you want your blood to boil. She also asked for things left to him in his Dad's will that weren't even his. Mainly his Dad's very valuable antique model train collection( because she knows how much it means to my friend ). The judge obviously couldn't award her property that someone not in the divorce owned BUT he did assign a value to those things and that was part of my friends "assets he could keep" that ate a big chunk of the money up he would have been able to keep otherwise. Most crooked and ridiculous thing I have ever seen.
My friend fought it as far as he could. He even had the state supreme court agree that his civil rights had been violated( LONG stories )and that the divorce judge( Marital Master actually ), who had been disciplined for misconduct before but miraculously reassigned and not fired, was way out of line. However, they refused to do anything and upheld everything they agreed with my friend was wrong. I don't get it. What is the point of an appeal if the appeals court/judge agrees you got screwed but refuse to step in?
My friend tried to get the local media to air his story as well( mainly to help his kids who are bigger victims than my friend is ). They all wanted to but feared law suits and the back lash from women's organizations. They wanted to help but couldn't afford the PR hit. Just a no win situation with NO RELIEF for men in a divorce out there.
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That is why you don't fight in court. Finally, after 10 years, my daughter is coming to live with me.
She asked for all sorts of stuff. Didn't get anywhere near what she wanted. Instead, we have joint custody, I kept the house and two of the three cars and 80 percent of the debt since my income was 80 percent of the household income. I kept all my 401k that I documented I had before we married. She got half of the increase from our wedding day to the day she moved out in 2003. I paid zero of her legal fees and zero alimony. Child support was easy since it was far less than she was spending each month.
Fiscally, I came out on top. Since she was a stay at home mom for the first 4 years of our daughter's life, joint custody was a pretty good win. The income disparity ensured I would pay child support.
But in a bit less than four years, that will be done too. No obligation to ex wifey after that. I will work directly with my daughter regarding any help with college.
She asked for all sorts of stuff. Didn't get anywhere near what she wanted. Instead, we have joint custody, I kept the house and two of the three cars and 80 percent of the debt since my income was 80 percent of the household income. I kept all my 401k that I documented I had before we married. She got half of the increase from our wedding day to the day she moved out in 2003. I paid zero of her legal fees and zero alimony. Child support was easy since it was far less than she was spending each month.
Fiscally, I came out on top. Since she was a stay at home mom for the first 4 years of our daughter's life, joint custody was a pretty good win. The income disparity ensured I would pay child support.
But in a bit less than four years, that will be done too. No obligation to ex wifey after that. I will work directly with my daughter regarding any help with college.
Originally Posted By: expat
Originally Posted By: Miller88
I don't see myself getting married.
I would like the companionship, but it seems like a wedding is a lot of to-do. With so many marriages ending badly ...
I also am not entirely sure I want children, either.
Maybe I am just selfish? I want to live a simple life.
How is that selfish?
I think you are quite reasonable. If you don't want kids, you shouldn't have kids!
And, you should not get yourself in a situation where you get pressured to have kids.
(as many men do in a marriage)
Maybe some day. I'm young and I don't have enough money for it. I don't even own a house!
Originally Posted By: Miller88
I don't see myself getting married.
I would like the companionship, but it seems like a wedding is a lot of to-do. With so many marriages ending badly ...
I also am not entirely sure I want children, either.
Maybe I am just selfish? I want to live a simple life.
How is that selfish?
I think you are quite reasonable. If you don't want kids, you shouldn't have kids!
And, you should not get yourself in a situation where you get pressured to have kids.
(as many men do in a marriage)
Maybe some day. I'm young and I don't have enough money for it. I don't even own a house!
I learned a while ago not to come to BITOG looking for relationship advice. I'm 25 and will be getting married next year and none of you are going to talk me out of it. My fiancee has already been divorced once before and she didn't try to get ANY money from her ex, even though she SHOULD have. She's almost done paying off a debt that was rightfully his. And HE was the douche who cheated on her multiple times for no reason.
Have fun being alone and/or miserable guys. It's not for me. I'd rather take my chances at having a good life with my future wife.
Have fun being alone and/or miserable guys. It's not for me. I'd rather take my chances at having a good life with my future wife.
Originally Posted By: exranger06
Have fun being aloneand/or miserable guys.
No need to defend your choice - this thread is about preaching and advice, not about do as I/we say. Hope it works out for you and you're happy! Won't know till you try - so go for it!
Have fun being alone
No need to defend your choice - this thread is about preaching and advice, not about do as I/we say. Hope it works out for you and you're happy! Won't know till you try - so go for it!
Originally Posted By: exranger06
Have fun being alone and/or miserable guys. It's not for me. I'd rather take my chances at having a good life with my future wife.
It's certainly a risk worth taking. I am blessed to have been married close to 11 years to my best friend in life; we have two wonderful daughters (8 and 5 now), and I thank the Good Lord above for my three girls, and give all the credit to Him. I can't imagine life without them.
We have developed a great support group between neighbors and our church family, as well as our own families obviously. I firmly believe that one's outlook on life is what one chooses it to be. I choose to live with a positive outloook, and try to make every interaction I have with someone else a positive one (including my posts on BITOG). I've had setbacks in life, just as everyone else has. The key is how do you react to that, and how do you let it shape your life?
Have fun being alone and/or miserable guys. It's not for me. I'd rather take my chances at having a good life with my future wife.
It's certainly a risk worth taking. I am blessed to have been married close to 11 years to my best friend in life; we have two wonderful daughters (8 and 5 now), and I thank the Good Lord above for my three girls, and give all the credit to Him. I can't imagine life without them.
We have developed a great support group between neighbors and our church family, as well as our own families obviously. I firmly believe that one's outlook on life is what one chooses it to be. I choose to live with a positive outloook, and try to make every interaction I have with someone else a positive one (including my posts on BITOG). I've had setbacks in life, just as everyone else has. The key is how do you react to that, and how do you let it shape your life?
Hokiefyd,
Good to know you see your wife and kids are a blessing from God.
Also having your positive attitude greatly affects a persons outlook in life. At 30 years old I stopped thinking negative and now have zero worries or anxiety about the future, its all good from that point forward.
Our country needs more men (and fathers) like you.
Good to know you see your wife and kids are a blessing from God.
Also having your positive attitude greatly affects a persons outlook in life. At 30 years old I stopped thinking negative and now have zero worries or anxiety about the future, its all good from that point forward.
Our country needs more men (and fathers) like you.
Originally Posted By: exranger06
I learned a while ago not to come to BITOG looking for relationship advice. I'm 25 and will be getting married next year and none of you are going to talk me out of it. My fiancee has already been divorced once before and she didn't try to get ANY money from her ex, even though she SHOULD have. She's almost done paying off a debt that was rightfully his. And HE was the douche who cheated on her multiple times for no reason.
Have fun being alone and/or miserable guys. It's not for me. I'd rather take my chances at having a good life with my future wife.
Maybe all will be well and you'll be a happy husband for years to come....I hope so. But it's rather unfair to categorize single folks as "alone and/or miserable". In reality I've known FAR more married folks that feel alone and miserable.
You are correct in not taking as fact all the advice you get on relationships on BITOG. But it sure doesn't hurt to listen and at least realize what other people have gone through.
Sure wish I had a crystal ball to see how you fare in ten years.
I learned a while ago not to come to BITOG looking for relationship advice. I'm 25 and will be getting married next year and none of you are going to talk me out of it. My fiancee has already been divorced once before and she didn't try to get ANY money from her ex, even though she SHOULD have. She's almost done paying off a debt that was rightfully his. And HE was the douche who cheated on her multiple times for no reason.
Have fun being alone and/or miserable guys. It's not for me. I'd rather take my chances at having a good life with my future wife.
Maybe all will be well and you'll be a happy husband for years to come....I hope so. But it's rather unfair to categorize single folks as "alone and/or miserable". In reality I've known FAR more married folks that feel alone and miserable.
You are correct in not taking as fact all the advice you get on relationships on BITOG. But it sure doesn't hurt to listen and at least realize what other people have gone through.
Sure wish I had a crystal ball to see how you fare in ten years.
Originally Posted By: JethroBodine
One benefit to marriage is that you can have as much sex as you want any time you want it...
That's not true, as the joke said:
3 pack condom is for Friday/Saturday/Sunday for high school
6 pack condom is for Mon-Sat for college
12 pack condom is for Jan-Dec for the married
One benefit to marriage is that you can have as much sex as you want any time you want it...
That's not true, as the joke said:
3 pack condom is for Friday/Saturday/Sunday for high school
6 pack condom is for Mon-Sat for college
12 pack condom is for Jan-Dec for the married
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Originally Posted By: Schmoe
..they say you can't buy love....well you can get 99.9% of it....if you got the cash. I totally respect those couples that "get it" and actually like each other, but, that just doesn't happen anymore.
The opposite is true, with huge debt and drastically different spending habits / income level, marriages tend to fail.
I remember hearing someone here said that 40% of the work of a marriage counselor is on debt consolidation.
..they say you can't buy love....well you can get 99.9% of it....if you got the cash. I totally respect those couples that "get it" and actually like each other, but, that just doesn't happen anymore.
The opposite is true, with huge debt and drastically different spending habits / income level, marriages tend to fail.
I remember hearing someone here said that 40% of the work of a marriage counselor is on debt consolidation.
Pretty broad statement saying he'll be alone and miserable.
As what andrew said, I know a TON of married guys that are that way now and are simply in a marriage of convience. I know I wasn't "alone" or "miserable" when I was single...not at all. It's almost like women hone in on that just to see if they can "break" you. Once they do, adios......it's like a challenge. Once the thrill is gone, it's over. Now, WHY would they do that? Dude, trust me, YOU won't ever be alone and miserable.....
As what andrew said, I know a TON of married guys that are that way now and are simply in a marriage of convience. I know I wasn't "alone" or "miserable" when I was single...not at all. It's almost like women hone in on that just to see if they can "break" you. Once they do, adios......it's like a challenge. Once the thrill is gone, it's over. Now, WHY would they do that? Dude, trust me, YOU won't ever be alone and miserable.....
Originally Posted By: JHZR2
- 92% of millionaire households in America are composed of married couples
- these married couples have 1/3rd the divorce rate of non-millionaire couples
- on average, they have been married for 28 years or more
- one quarter of them have been married for 38 years or more
- and even those who have divorced are overwhelmingly likely to be remarried.
I agree with the rest of your post but not this statistic. Let's break it down here:
Average marriage of 28 years, 1/4 38 years, that means they are old people.
Old people tends to be wealthier, and more mature, than young people. Therefore they tend to be married. They also were born in an age where divorce are much less likely than people growing up today, living expense lower than today, have higher income than younger people (more experienced), more likely to be already retired, and less expensive raising their kids before the skyrocketing college tuition (or just don't send their kids to college).
Garbage statistic, unless you compare them within the same age group.
- 92% of millionaire households in America are composed of married couples
- these married couples have 1/3rd the divorce rate of non-millionaire couples
- on average, they have been married for 28 years or more
- one quarter of them have been married for 38 years or more
- and even those who have divorced are overwhelmingly likely to be remarried.
I agree with the rest of your post but not this statistic. Let's break it down here:
Average marriage of 28 years, 1/4 38 years, that means they are old people.
Old people tends to be wealthier, and more mature, than young people. Therefore they tend to be married. They also were born in an age where divorce are much less likely than people growing up today, living expense lower than today, have higher income than younger people (more experienced), more likely to be already retired, and less expensive raising their kids before the skyrocketing college tuition (or just don't send their kids to college).
Garbage statistic, unless you compare them within the same age group.
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Originally Posted By: exranger06
I learned a while ago not to come to BITOG looking for relationship advice. I'm 25 and will be getting married next year and none of you are going to talk me out of it. My fiancee has already been divorced once before and she didn't try to get ANY money from her ex, even though she SHOULD have. She's almost done paying off a debt that was rightfully his. And HE was the douche who cheated on her multiple times for no reason.
Have fun being alone and/or miserable guys. It's not for me. I'd rather take my chances at having a good life with my future wife.
It might work out, against many odds. Some do. But remember, she has all the power to take your freedom, your reputation, your assets, and your job with a call to the cops. If you want to walk the tightrope above a loaded revolver, you can do so. But you have no power over whether you get shot off the rope or not.
Marriage was a good institution in the country until about twenty years ago. Then it started to falter, and in general it is a failed institution these days. There are always exceptions, but for most men, marriage leads to some degree of hardship and often total destitution.
I know of an IBM engineer who was living for years out of his car in Venice, CA because his wife got awarded that much spousal support. In Australia DNA studies show that about 20% or more of men are raising kids they think are theirs, but it turns out were fathered by some other man. I am sure it's the same over here.
But I tell young men that they are foolish to make big life decisions thinking that they will be the exception. That is the way gamblers think.
But whatever rocks your boat - let us know in five year's time how it is going.
I learned a while ago not to come to BITOG looking for relationship advice. I'm 25 and will be getting married next year and none of you are going to talk me out of it. My fiancee has already been divorced once before and she didn't try to get ANY money from her ex, even though she SHOULD have. She's almost done paying off a debt that was rightfully his. And HE was the douche who cheated on her multiple times for no reason.
Have fun being alone and/or miserable guys. It's not for me. I'd rather take my chances at having a good life with my future wife.
It might work out, against many odds. Some do. But remember, she has all the power to take your freedom, your reputation, your assets, and your job with a call to the cops. If you want to walk the tightrope above a loaded revolver, you can do so. But you have no power over whether you get shot off the rope or not.
Marriage was a good institution in the country until about twenty years ago. Then it started to falter, and in general it is a failed institution these days. There are always exceptions, but for most men, marriage leads to some degree of hardship and often total destitution.
I know of an IBM engineer who was living for years out of his car in Venice, CA because his wife got awarded that much spousal support. In Australia DNA studies show that about 20% or more of men are raising kids they think are theirs, but it turns out were fathered by some other man. I am sure it's the same over here.
But I tell young men that they are foolish to make big life decisions thinking that they will be the exception. That is the way gamblers think.
But whatever rocks your boat - let us know in five year's time how it is going.
Originally Posted By: javacontour
That is why you don't fight in court. Finally, after 10 years, my daughter is coming to live with me.
She asked for all sorts of stuff. Didn't get anywhere near what she wanted. Instead, we have joint custody, I kept the house and two of the three cars and 80 percent of the debt since my income was 80 percent of the household income. I kept all my 401k that I documented I had before we married. She got half of the increase from our wedding day to the day she moved out in 2003. I paid zero of her legal fees and zero alimony. Child support was easy since it was far less than she was spending each month.
Fiscally, I came out on top. Since she was a stay at home mom for the first 4 years of our daughter's life, joint custody was a pretty good win. The income disparity ensured I would pay child support.
But in a bit less than four years, that will be done too. No obligation to ex wifey after that. I will work directly with my daughter regarding any help with college.
What do you suggest then? His ex wanted everything. House, bank accounts, kids, retirement, rental property, things he was getting in his Dad's will, and on and on. She actually made more money then him but also wanted support for her in addition to child support.
Was he supposed to just give it to her without any fight? He fought mostly for his kids because in truth she is a horrible Mother and only wanted them to force child support. He pretty much said give me the kids and you can have the rest but she would only settle for EVERYTHING! Losing his kids is what devastated my friend. I really worry that he will do something to himself out of despair wherever he is.
That is why you don't fight in court. Finally, after 10 years, my daughter is coming to live with me.
She asked for all sorts of stuff. Didn't get anywhere near what she wanted. Instead, we have joint custody, I kept the house and two of the three cars and 80 percent of the debt since my income was 80 percent of the household income. I kept all my 401k that I documented I had before we married. She got half of the increase from our wedding day to the day she moved out in 2003. I paid zero of her legal fees and zero alimony. Child support was easy since it was far less than she was spending each month.
Fiscally, I came out on top. Since she was a stay at home mom for the first 4 years of our daughter's life, joint custody was a pretty good win. The income disparity ensured I would pay child support.
But in a bit less than four years, that will be done too. No obligation to ex wifey after that. I will work directly with my daughter regarding any help with college.
What do you suggest then? His ex wanted everything. House, bank accounts, kids, retirement, rental property, things he was getting in his Dad's will, and on and on. She actually made more money then him but also wanted support for her in addition to child support.
Was he supposed to just give it to her without any fight? He fought mostly for his kids because in truth she is a horrible Mother and only wanted them to force child support. He pretty much said give me the kids and you can have the rest but she would only settle for EVERYTHING! Losing his kids is what devastated my friend. I really worry that he will do something to himself out of despair wherever he is.
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Originally Posted By: exranger06
I learned a while ago not to come to BITOG looking for relationship advice. I'm 25 and will be getting married next year and none of you are going to talk me out of it. My fiancee has already been divorced once before and she didn't try to get ANY money from her ex, even though she SHOULD have. She's almost done paying off a debt that was rightfully his. And HE was the douche who cheated on her multiple times for no reason.
Have fun being alone and/or miserable guys. It's not for me. I'd rather take my chances at having a good life with my future wife.
I hope it works out for you. I seriously do. I would just say at only 25 years old you have a lot to learn about life and especially the modern woman and how evil "some" of them can be. The decision is yours obviously but you should at least give head to the warnings being given here by those who have been through it or seen it happen to family and friends.
I am far from alone and I am far from miserable however. In fact I am at least as happy as, and really happier being honest, than any of my friends who got married. Of my 4 closest male friends 2 are divorced and got taken to the cleaners by the ex( both times it was the wife who cheated btw yet both times the wife got everything in the divorce ). Another was tricked into getting his wife pregnant and then into marriage. He now slaves away at 2 jobs to support her, his kid, and the 4 other kids she had that he foolishly adopted. He says he is happy but it doesn't look it. The other friend is happily married but only because he gives in to her on everything. He is so emasculated it isn't funny. That isn't my idea of happiness.
The modern woman is a dangerous creature. You would be wise to pay close attention to the warnings given here. If she decides she wants out, for any reason, she will clean you out and your life will be ruined. You could very well wind up with a bogus criminal record as well because a modern tactic is to accuse the husband of physical and sexual abuse and it usually gets believed. There are actually websites out there that teach women how to do it so they get it all.
You can be the best husband and father ever, while she can be a cheating and abusive spouse, and it won't matter. Not one bit. You will stand no chance in a divorce. I don't think anyone is saying no one should ever get married but rather take your time and really be sure before doing it. There is a lot of good advice being given about the signs to look for that will let you see a bad apple before it is too late. Once you say I do you are no longer in control of your own future. It is up to the wife and a biased and corrupt legal/divorce system. It is too late once it happens so we are just advising caution.
I hope it works for you, I really do. I wish no one ill. I just don't want to see anyone go through what I have seen friends go through and sadly it is becoming the norm not the exception. The days of people staying together forever like our Parents and Grand Parents did are GONE! It isn't even the same for people that got married just 10-20 years ago.
I wish you luck.
I learned a while ago not to come to BITOG looking for relationship advice. I'm 25 and will be getting married next year and none of you are going to talk me out of it. My fiancee has already been divorced once before and she didn't try to get ANY money from her ex, even though she SHOULD have. She's almost done paying off a debt that was rightfully his. And HE was the douche who cheated on her multiple times for no reason.
Have fun being alone and/or miserable guys. It's not for me. I'd rather take my chances at having a good life with my future wife.
I hope it works out for you. I seriously do. I would just say at only 25 years old you have a lot to learn about life and especially the modern woman and how evil "some" of them can be. The decision is yours obviously but you should at least give head to the warnings being given here by those who have been through it or seen it happen to family and friends.
I am far from alone and I am far from miserable however. In fact I am at least as happy as, and really happier being honest, than any of my friends who got married. Of my 4 closest male friends 2 are divorced and got taken to the cleaners by the ex( both times it was the wife who cheated btw yet both times the wife got everything in the divorce ). Another was tricked into getting his wife pregnant and then into marriage. He now slaves away at 2 jobs to support her, his kid, and the 4 other kids she had that he foolishly adopted. He says he is happy but it doesn't look it. The other friend is happily married but only because he gives in to her on everything. He is so emasculated it isn't funny. That isn't my idea of happiness.
The modern woman is a dangerous creature. You would be wise to pay close attention to the warnings given here. If she decides she wants out, for any reason, she will clean you out and your life will be ruined. You could very well wind up with a bogus criminal record as well because a modern tactic is to accuse the husband of physical and sexual abuse and it usually gets believed. There are actually websites out there that teach women how to do it so they get it all.
You can be the best husband and father ever, while she can be a cheating and abusive spouse, and it won't matter. Not one bit. You will stand no chance in a divorce. I don't think anyone is saying no one should ever get married but rather take your time and really be sure before doing it. There is a lot of good advice being given about the signs to look for that will let you see a bad apple before it is too late. Once you say I do you are no longer in control of your own future. It is up to the wife and a biased and corrupt legal/divorce system. It is too late once it happens so we are just advising caution.
I hope it works for you, I really do. I wish no one ill. I just don't want to see anyone go through what I have seen friends go through and sadly it is becoming the norm not the exception. The days of people staying together forever like our Parents and Grand Parents did are GONE! It isn't even the same for people that got married just 10-20 years ago.
I wish you luck.
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I say this as a single guy, but man a lot of BITOG dudes sure feel bitter and wronged! Do what feels right, but don't rush into anything. Some of the best marriages among my friends and family were people who dating for a long time -- enough time to know they wouldn't get sick of being exclusive with each other.
And I think by any yardstick, modern man isn't much better than this modern woman bogeyman you're all scared of. In my family alone, some of my female cousins have married (and thankfully divorced) some real prizewinners. Here's two highlights:
One husband who tried to drunkenly beat on my oldest cousin. Fortunately, she's "modern" and knows self defense and had a knife handy. His *** got krav maga'd, jailed and divorced in that order.
Another one (cousin married the baby's daddy, way to go anti-birth control states), husband was a real deadbeat. Drug dealer hick type, no job, out all the time. After the divorce, him and his new woman tried to claim that my cousin's new bf (good guy, went to school, works) was abusing their kid. And then they tried to threaten the case worker investigating the matter into testifying on their behalf, because I guess they thought that would help their case. Nope. Two expensive years of litigation later, my cousin can finally marry the good dude (state imposes automatic restraining order after allegations of abuse), and my cousin was awarded court costs (which of course she won't get, since the ex is broke).
That fair and balanced reporting out of the way, I'm single mainly because I don't want kids and don't particularly like the idea of having a woman contractually obligated to put up with my nonsense (any more than I like the idea of being contractually obligated to put up with her nonsense). My thinking is "you'd be a fool to marry me, and I'm not marrying any fool"
the gf finds this attitude appalling, of course!
My family doesn't berate me about it, other than a few of the "older generation" further out relatives who've wanted grandkids but gave up on their own descendants. I think women get much more pressure, from family and society in general, to put a ring on it before they turn into pumpkin.
And I think by any yardstick, modern man isn't much better than this modern woman bogeyman you're all scared of. In my family alone, some of my female cousins have married (and thankfully divorced) some real prizewinners. Here's two highlights:
One husband who tried to drunkenly beat on my oldest cousin. Fortunately, she's "modern" and knows self defense and had a knife handy. His *** got krav maga'd, jailed and divorced in that order.
Another one (cousin married the baby's daddy, way to go anti-birth control states), husband was a real deadbeat. Drug dealer hick type, no job, out all the time. After the divorce, him and his new woman tried to claim that my cousin's new bf (good guy, went to school, works) was abusing their kid. And then they tried to threaten the case worker investigating the matter into testifying on their behalf, because I guess they thought that would help their case. Nope. Two expensive years of litigation later, my cousin can finally marry the good dude (state imposes automatic restraining order after allegations of abuse), and my cousin was awarded court costs (which of course she won't get, since the ex is broke).
That fair and balanced reporting out of the way, I'm single mainly because I don't want kids and don't particularly like the idea of having a woman contractually obligated to put up with my nonsense (any more than I like the idea of being contractually obligated to put up with her nonsense). My thinking is "you'd be a fool to marry me, and I'm not marrying any fool"
My family doesn't berate me about it, other than a few of the "older generation" further out relatives who've wanted grandkids but gave up on their own descendants. I think women get much more pressure, from family and society in general, to put a ring on it before they turn into pumpkin.
Originally Posted By: NHHEMI
Originally Posted By: javacontour
I agree with don't breed them if you won't feed them.
But what of the guys like me who were the faithful ones, but because wifey thinks the grass is greener, and the general opinion is if wifey is cheating, it must be hubbies fault, the kids go away with the unfaithful mom.
Realize that 66 to 75 percent of all divorces are sought by women. It's not because men are worse behaved. After all, if men are having affairs, is it with other men? Of course not. So all of the social hand-wringing about absent dads is largely a red herring. Stop giving moms custody of their kids when they decide they are tired of dad and you'll find more and more women willing to work on their marriage instead of disposing of their husband while hoping to keep the house, get alimony and child support.
(My ex even wanted me to pay for her lawyer for a divorce I didn't even want. I suggested she have her lover pay her legal fees since she was cheating. It was ugly.)
I simply wonder how many single moms either volunteered or created the situation by removing their baby daddy from the situation?
So let's not just blame the men. As far as marriage goes, women end them up to three times as often as men. Yet we still keep hearing about the absent father.
When will we begin to hear in relative proportion about the wife who is unfaithful and/or simply wants to end her marriage? I for one am tired of men getting the blame for something that in 66 to 75 percent of cases, he didn't even choose, but was forced upon him due to prevalence of No Fault Divorce.
You sound a lot like my friend and what he went through. It is really scary how women can cheat, be abusive, or just flat out decide they want out and they still get everything. The husband can be the best ever and it doesn't matter. Man + Divorce = SCREWED!
My friend's ex dropped her legal fees on him among other crazy things like demanding he return a bottle of ketchup he took when he left. The judge okayed it all for the most part( even the ketchup ). Try this one if you want your blood to boil. She also asked for things left to him in his Dad's will that weren't even his. Mainly his Dad's very valuable antique model train collection( because she knows how much it means to my friend ). The judge obviously couldn't award her property that someone not in the divorce owned BUT he did assign a value to those things and that was part of my friends "assets he could keep" that ate a big chunk of the money up he would have been able to keep otherwise. Most crooked and ridiculous thing I have ever seen.
My friend fought it as far as he could. He even had the state supreme court agree that his civil rights had been violated( LONG stories )and that the divorce judge( Marital Master actually ), who had been disciplined for misconduct before but miraculously reassigned and not fired, was way out of line. However, they refused to do anything and upheld everything they agreed with my friend was wrong. I don't get it. What is the point of an appeal if the appeals court/judge agrees you got screwed but refuse to step in?
My friend tried to get the local media to air his story as well( mainly to help his kids who are bigger victims than my friend is ). They all wanted to but feared law suits and the back lash from women's organizations. They wanted to help but couldn't afford the PR hit. Just a no win situation with NO RELIEF for men in a divorce out there.
The only available relief in that case is probably a .308 slug. As much as a divorce costs a man, a hit man might be cheaper.
Originally Posted By: javacontour
I agree with don't breed them if you won't feed them.
But what of the guys like me who were the faithful ones, but because wifey thinks the grass is greener, and the general opinion is if wifey is cheating, it must be hubbies fault, the kids go away with the unfaithful mom.
Realize that 66 to 75 percent of all divorces are sought by women. It's not because men are worse behaved. After all, if men are having affairs, is it with other men? Of course not. So all of the social hand-wringing about absent dads is largely a red herring. Stop giving moms custody of their kids when they decide they are tired of dad and you'll find more and more women willing to work on their marriage instead of disposing of their husband while hoping to keep the house, get alimony and child support.
(My ex even wanted me to pay for her lawyer for a divorce I didn't even want. I suggested she have her lover pay her legal fees since she was cheating. It was ugly.)
I simply wonder how many single moms either volunteered or created the situation by removing their baby daddy from the situation?
So let's not just blame the men. As far as marriage goes, women end them up to three times as often as men. Yet we still keep hearing about the absent father.
When will we begin to hear in relative proportion about the wife who is unfaithful and/or simply wants to end her marriage? I for one am tired of men getting the blame for something that in 66 to 75 percent of cases, he didn't even choose, but was forced upon him due to prevalence of No Fault Divorce.
You sound a lot like my friend and what he went through. It is really scary how women can cheat, be abusive, or just flat out decide they want out and they still get everything. The husband can be the best ever and it doesn't matter. Man + Divorce = SCREWED!
My friend's ex dropped her legal fees on him among other crazy things like demanding he return a bottle of ketchup he took when he left. The judge okayed it all for the most part( even the ketchup ). Try this one if you want your blood to boil. She also asked for things left to him in his Dad's will that weren't even his. Mainly his Dad's very valuable antique model train collection( because she knows how much it means to my friend ). The judge obviously couldn't award her property that someone not in the divorce owned BUT he did assign a value to those things and that was part of my friends "assets he could keep" that ate a big chunk of the money up he would have been able to keep otherwise. Most crooked and ridiculous thing I have ever seen.
My friend fought it as far as he could. He even had the state supreme court agree that his civil rights had been violated( LONG stories )and that the divorce judge( Marital Master actually ), who had been disciplined for misconduct before but miraculously reassigned and not fired, was way out of line. However, they refused to do anything and upheld everything they agreed with my friend was wrong. I don't get it. What is the point of an appeal if the appeals court/judge agrees you got screwed but refuse to step in?
My friend tried to get the local media to air his story as well( mainly to help his kids who are bigger victims than my friend is ). They all wanted to but feared law suits and the back lash from women's organizations. They wanted to help but couldn't afford the PR hit. Just a no win situation with NO RELIEF for men in a divorce out there.
The only available relief in that case is probably a .308 slug. As much as a divorce costs a man, a hit man might be cheaper.
Originally Posted By: exranger06
I learned a while ago not to come to BITOG looking for relationship advice. I'm 25 and will be getting married next year and none of you are going to talk me out of it. My fiancee has already been divorced once before and she didn't try to get ANY money from her ex, even though she SHOULD have. She's almost done paying off a debt that was rightfully his. And HE was the douche who cheated on her multiple times for no reason.
Have fun being alone and/or miserable guys. It's not for me. I'd rather take my chances at having a good life with my future wife.
Is she a rich widow? Is she an heiress? If not, RUN!
I learned a while ago not to come to BITOG looking for relationship advice. I'm 25 and will be getting married next year and none of you are going to talk me out of it. My fiancee has already been divorced once before and she didn't try to get ANY money from her ex, even though she SHOULD have. She's almost done paying off a debt that was rightfully his. And HE was the douche who cheated on her multiple times for no reason.
Have fun being alone and/or miserable guys. It's not for me. I'd rather take my chances at having a good life with my future wife.
Is she a rich widow? Is she an heiress? If not, RUN!
- Status
