Parenting

[JHZR2]

How does that stop them from dying from a heroin overdose at age 18?
Just adding to your horror story...lol

IME, you get the two ends of the spectrum that end there. The low class (not necessarily poor) folks with questionable history, who are prone to getting in with the wrong crowd…. But they’ve always had that outcome…. The other is the set of kids with the most overbearing parents, especially wJen they have overbearing parents with decent money, which means they have buying power. Those kids rebel when they get out on their own, and can make some pretty bad choices.

But none of that is necessarily salient to the situation in your OP. It’s none of your business really. Maybe the parents think it’s respectful. Maybe the kids are allergic. Maybe the family doesn’t have a lot of money and need to keep tabs on what is consumed.

My kids (which are both very young) will graze, and then leave messes in bad places. So we have a “you need to ask before going into the closet or refrigerator”. It’s not to be controlling, or mean. It’s to prevent small children from getting into stuff they shouldn’t when we’re not beside them every second of the day. We certainly emphasize smart decision making, independence, and a can do attitude, but asking to ensure that there’s some level of discipline and not just everyone doing what they want is not a bad thing, IMO.

Ensuring that kids know right from wrong, they know there are consequences and ramifications for actions from a young age, and that they aren’t kept on too short a leash is the approach that I think brings success. At least based upon my wife and my upbringing and life experience.

 

[ZeeOSix]

Ensuring that kids know right from wrong, they know there are consequences and ramifications for actions from a young age, and that they aren’t kept on too short a leash is the approach that Inthink brings success. At least based upon my wife and my upbringing and life experience.

+1 on that. Parents can try and teach their children some of the many possible pit-falls in life. Some kids will listen to their parents and learn from their experiences (and maybe their grandparents and wise friends too - it takes a village as the saying goes), and hopefully make good life decisions from that. Or they will ignore them (due to peer pressure, etc) and learn things by themselves the hard way.

Of course some parents don't want to parent, and then kids go off road and the hard way is the only way left to learn - hopefully they live through some of that. Even with parents advice and teachings, there will still have to be some hard way learning, but probably not as hard and much as if there was no decent parenting.

 

[gregk24]

To me this sounds like a parent doing their job. Bravo!

 

[aquariuscsm]

The ones I don't understand and just makes me smh, are the moms who try to be their daughters' "friend". They're NOT they're friend or their peer, they're the PARENT. Your kids aren't supposed to "like" you, they're supposed to fear you (as in the way we fear God, out of respect) and respect you. I've known women like that, and they're nothing but an irresponsible hot mess.

 

[JHZR2]

+1 on that. Parents can try and teach their children some of the many possible pit-falls in life. Some kids will listen to their parents and learn from their experiences (and maybe their grandparents and wise friends too - it takes a village as the saying goes), and hopefully make good life decisions from that. Or they will ignore them (due to peer pressure, etc) and learn things by themselves the hard way.

Of course some parents don't want to parent, and then kids go off road and the hard way is the only way left to learn - hopefully they live through some of that. Even with parents advice and teachings, there will still have to be some hard way learning, but probably not as hard and much as if there was no decent parenting.

True, some parents dont want to parent, whether due to just being lousy, not caring, some philosophical concept, etc., and then someone or something else will fill the gap. And even kids from loving, caring families can make mistakes or have their own (mental) issues. But I’ve seen the other side as well. Parents who parented too much, or at least, in the wrong way. Let those kids get out on their own for a bit and it’s a crash course with the world. Rebellion in all sorts of different ways, some minor, some life altering.

 

[bbhero]

To me this sounds like a parent doing their job. Bravo!

That's the way I was brought up...

Had to ask... For snacks or cola drinks.

Water was ad lib.

 

[PandaBear]

There are a few reasons:

1) Junk food quota
2) Being cautious when eating food outside of home (i.e. don't eat whatever non-parents gives you just because)
3) Get into a good habit of checking what is and isn't good for you, kids don't always know.

We have grandparents who gave junk food that I would normally say NO to, so it is easier for us to say "ask your parents first" so they don't have to get chocolates and soda taken away from them after they already "own" it.

This is not just food, some toys grandparents bought were either not good for kids (lead paints?) or teach them bad behaviors (i.e. violent toys, things that teach them to not be respectful to others). Having us as gatekeepers are good for everyone.

 

[Zee09]

IME, you get the two ends of the spectrum that end there. The low class (not necessarily poor) folks with questionable history, who are prone to getting in with the wrong crowd…. But they’ve always had that outcome…. The other is the set of kids with the most overbearing parents, especially wJen they have overbearing parents with decent money, which means they have buying power. Those kids rebel when they get out on their own, and can make some pretty bad choices.

But none of that is necessarily salient to the situation in your OP. It’s none of your business really. Maybe the parents think it’s respectful. Maybe the kids are allergic. Maybe the family doesn’t have a lot of money and need to keep tabs on what is consumed.

My kids (which are both very young) will graze, and then leave messes in bad places. So we have a “you need to ask before going into the closet or refrigerator”. It’s not to be controlling, or mean. It’s to prevent small children from getting into stuff they shouldn’t when we’re not beside them every second of the day. We certainly emphasize smart decision making, independence, and a can do attitude, but asking to ensure that there’s some level of discipline and not just everyone doing what they want is not a bad thing, IMO.

Ensuring that kids know right from wrong, they know there are consequences and ramifications for actions from a young age, and that they aren’t kept on too short a leash is the approach that Inthink brings success. At least based upon my wife and my upbringing and life experience.

To clarify...
My post was simply an observation of an event. Nothing else implied.

I noted it was for conversation sake only.

And yes I do believe it isn't my business unless abuse is involved which it isn't.

Those kids live like royalty.

 

[blupupher]

It's tough to arm chair quarterback on this without knowing all the details. The tone of the OP's concern (my opinion) is that the kids are not being allowed to learn to make mistakes, decisions, learn responsibility, etc. on simple daily matters. This might cause the kids to have difficulties when they venture into the real world, think for themselves, don't have mommy making all their decisions. LOL, yea I'm reading a lot into the OP's post.

Parenting is a real challenge and certainly the fence we walk on is very narrow. Often times the outcome does not reflect what we invested our time in. Certainly no guarantees. Good of Zee09 to respect the parents wishes. Grandkids are different - we have the right to spoil them and wreck all of the parents best intentions!

I agree, context here matters.
So they can't even go get a glass of water without asking? That would be very odd.
Can't grab a soda or sugary drink without asking, not weird at all.
Food (at the Also the allergy issue could apply.

My kids (ages 16 and 18) still ask if they can have one of "my" or "mom's" soda's (I buy diet Dr. Pepper for me, wife buys herself diet A&W).
Now that they have jobs, they can buy their own if they want (and on occasion do, but not often, they don't like "wasting" their own money on stuff like that).
Since they were able, they have gotten water any time they wanted.
For food, they don't ask much anymore, but did till about age of 14-15. They do ask about dinner if we are having a family sit down or just a make what you want when you want.

 

[RDY4WAR]

We have our kids ask permission. The main reason is we don't want them to grab a snack when we're about to cook lunch or dinner. The only thing they can get without asking is water.

 

[UncleDave]

We were taught portion allowance and control very early on as kids.
We all participated in shopping and budgeting even though we were upper middle class.
When we would buy something our parents would cleary spell out that X about equalled one per day per person, and that was enough to understand that it didnt really matter when we ate our share, but we had one share of something like a snack or fruits, frozen pizza, popsicle etcetera...

If we want something beyond what we had already allowed for- we'd ask, a common one was a bowl of cereal before bed as a nighttime snack.

We could get water any time we wanted but couldn't drink soda without permission as it wasnt ours to begin with.

 

[BeerCan]

My neighbors thought my kids were crazy. When on a play date or sleepover they would constantly ask to call me for permission to do stuff that was outside of their norm. Sugar drinks, candy and/or events they thought could be dangerous in any way. I am not what I would call strict.

I always explained to them growing up that it was me v. the big corporations with millions of dollars to spend to get them to do things. I explained how powerful advertising can be and to approach everything with a critical mind. This was especially true with clothes my daughter wanted to wear I tried very hard to explain my positions as they got older and more "mature", but as they got older I let them make up their own mind more and more and tried hard never to say I told you so when they failed (if I was against the move).

Now that they are both adults, I feel they are very well rounded. They eat well, don't binge drink and approached the world with what I call a determined practicality. Of course they have their faults, but they are both clear thinkers which is all I can ask for.

 

[mark pruett]

We basically let our kids get snacks like fruit and vegetables on their own, and they can generally make their own breakfasts (cereal, toast, yogurt) whenever they want. Snacks, etc... are more along the lines of a pre-defined amount per week, and if they eat it all in the first 15 minutes, too bad so sad. At meals, they have to try everything- not necessarily eat much, but at least take a small bite. Our older son is all about it, but our younger one is kind of a punk about it- he seems to make it into a control thing to not try stuff, even when every rational sign is that it's something he would love.

We want them to be able to be independent, open to new experiences, and build good habits like snacking on fruits and vegetables without being overly restrictive.

 

[skyactiv]

I don't have children but will speak of my upbringing.

I had a dad, mom, 2 brothers and 2 sisters growing up. My dad was an attorney while my mom stayed at home. We didn't have to ask to eat a snack. My mom was and still is a health nut. A snack when I was a kid was carrot sticks, banana, apple, ants on a log with natural peanut butter or Triscuit crackers. We didn't need permission to snack. There was always unsweetened iced tea in the fridge.

My mom always made sure to make breakfast, lunch and dinner.
If we complained about the food she would say something like "food is meant to nourish, not entertain".
My mom didn't want us eating or drinking soda at friends homes.

My parents and us kids were and still are tall and skinny.
In fact, my 5'10" older sis got a partial volleyball scholarship and my 6'2" younger sis got a full basketball scholarship at a NCAA division 1 university.
Being tall was a curse for my younger sister however.

My wife is also a health freak. Red meat is something we have only once a week. Ice cream is once a week.

 

[KrisZ]

Kids cannot be let to their own devices, simple as that. Obesity is a huge problem so having them ask permission for snacks/sweets is a great way to teach them moderation.
And as parents we have to stick to this as well, you cannot snack while kids are forbidden from doing so. Or eat junk, drink soda but deny it to kids.