For you newlyweds, not so newlyweds and almost weds. Read and
beware...
Subject: Point system
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes &
points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she
expects... Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to
the point system.
Simple Duties
-------------
You make the bed...................................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows..........0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets........................-1
You leave the toilet seat up.......................................-5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty...................0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex........-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with
wings..............................................................+5
But return with beer...............................................-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night...........................0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing...................0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something................+5
You pummel it with a six iron.....................................+10
It's her father...................................................-10
Social Engagements
------------------
You stay by her side the entire party...............................0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
drinking buddy.............................................-2
Named Tiffany......................................................-4
Tiffany is a dancer................................................-6
Tiffany has implants...............................................-8
When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her
lovingly...........................................................+1
When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain"
and pat her on the rump............................................-5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you
think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near as attractive
as you".................................+1
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's attractive,
you say, "Yeah, but she's lousy in bed"..........-6
That woman is her sister..........................................-90
You have one drink, and that's it...................................0
You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle.......-2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted....-18
Saturday Afternoons
------------------
You go to the mall together.........................................+3
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car.+4
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a
sports bar .........................................................-2
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it.....+3
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional.....0
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk ..............+3
Most of it chips and beer ..........................................-6
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den.....+15
Or refinishing the floors..........................................+16
Or rewiring the basement...........................................+17
Or adding a second floor...........................................+18
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket........-6
And you're tickled pink about it...................................-15
You visit her parents............................................... 0
You visit her parents and actually make conversation ...............+3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television .........-3
And the television is off...........................................-6
You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear.-6
And you didn't even go to college..................................-10
And it's not your underwear........................................-15
Her Birthday
------------
You take her out to dinner...........................................0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ...............+1
Okay, it is a sports bar............................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night......................................-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted
the colors of your favorite team...........................-10
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player........+3
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and
sing................................................................+4
If you stink........................................................+2
If you're not half bad..............................................+5
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out to
much applause.......................................................-2
You give her a gift..................................................0
You give her a gift and it's a small appliance ....................-10
You give her a gift and it's not a small appliance .................+1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate.........................+2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months ..........+30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day ........-10
With her credit card...............................................-30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big ......................-40
Thoughtfulness
--------------
You forget her birthday completely.................................-20
You forget your anniversary........................................-30
You forget to pick her up at the bus station.......................-45
Which is in Newark, New Jersey.....................................-50
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast........................-60
A Night Out With The Boys
-------------------------
Go out with a pal ..................................................-5
And the pal is happily married .....................................-4
Or frighteningly single ............................................-7
And he drives a Mustang............................................-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) .....................-15
You have a few beers................................................-9
And miss curfew by an hour.........................................-12
You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call.....................-20
You get home at 3 am...............................................-30
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars ...........-40
And not wearing any pants..........................................-50
Is that a tattoo??................................................-200
Her Night Out
-------------
You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from
work................................................................+5
She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home
late...............................................................+10
You wait up........................................................+15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to
bed....+20
A Night At Home
---------------
You watch TV together............................................... 0
You rent a movie....................................................+2
You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY ......................+3
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout..............+5
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep........................-1
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool .............-2
A Night Out
-----------
You take her to a movie.............................................+2
You take her to a movie she likes...................................+4
You take her to a movie you hate ...................................+6
You take her to a movie you like....................................-2
It's called DeathCop 3..............................................-3
Which features cyborgs having sex...................................-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans..............-15
Flowers
-------
You buy her flowers only when it's expected......................... 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the **** of it ........+20
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself ..........+30
And she contracts Lyme disease.....................................-25
Your Physique
-------------
You develop a noticeable potbelly..................................-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it....+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts.....................................................-5
Finances
--------
You spend a lot of money on something impractical...................-5
Something she can't use............................................-10
Such a motorized model airplane....................................-20
And she got a small appliance for her birthday.....................-40
Driving
--------
You lost the directions on a trip...................................-4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost....................-10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town .....................-15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and
personal...........................................................-25
You know them......................................... ............-60
The Big Question
----------------
She asks, "Do I look fat?"..........................................-5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding.........................................-10
You reply, "Where?"................................................-35
Communication
-------------
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what
looks like a concerned expression....................................0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes.............+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV......+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep..................-20
beware...
Subject: Point system
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes &
points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she
expects... Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to
the point system.
Simple Duties
-------------
You make the bed...................................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows..........0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets........................-1
You leave the toilet seat up.......................................-5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty...................0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex........-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with
wings..............................................................+5
But return with beer...............................................-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night...........................0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing...................0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something................+5
You pummel it with a six iron.....................................+10
It's her father...................................................-10
Social Engagements
------------------
You stay by her side the entire party...............................0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
drinking buddy.............................................-2
Named Tiffany......................................................-4
Tiffany is a dancer................................................-6
Tiffany has implants...............................................-8
When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her
lovingly...........................................................+1
When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain"
and pat her on the rump............................................-5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you
think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near as attractive
as you".................................+1
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's attractive,
you say, "Yeah, but she's lousy in bed"..........-6
That woman is her sister..........................................-90
You have one drink, and that's it...................................0
You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle.......-2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted....-18
Saturday Afternoons
------------------
You go to the mall together.........................................+3
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car.+4
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a
sports bar .........................................................-2
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it.....+3
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional.....0
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk ..............+3
Most of it chips and beer ..........................................-6
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den.....+15
Or refinishing the floors..........................................+16
Or rewiring the basement...........................................+17
Or adding a second floor...........................................+18
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket........-6
And you're tickled pink about it...................................-15
You visit her parents............................................... 0
You visit her parents and actually make conversation ...............+3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television .........-3
And the television is off...........................................-6
You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear.-6
And you didn't even go to college..................................-10
And it's not your underwear........................................-15
Her Birthday
------------
You take her out to dinner...........................................0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ...............+1
Okay, it is a sports bar............................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night......................................-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted
the colors of your favorite team...........................-10
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player........+3
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and
sing................................................................+4
If you stink........................................................+2
If you're not half bad..............................................+5
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out to
much applause.......................................................-2
You give her a gift..................................................0
You give her a gift and it's a small appliance ....................-10
You give her a gift and it's not a small appliance .................+1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate.........................+2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months ..........+30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day ........-10
With her credit card...............................................-30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big ......................-40
Thoughtfulness
--------------
You forget her birthday completely.................................-20
You forget your anniversary........................................-30
You forget to pick her up at the bus station.......................-45
Which is in Newark, New Jersey.....................................-50
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast........................-60
A Night Out With The Boys
-------------------------
Go out with a pal ..................................................-5
And the pal is happily married .....................................-4
Or frighteningly single ............................................-7
And he drives a Mustang............................................-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) .....................-15
You have a few beers................................................-9
And miss curfew by an hour.........................................-12
You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call.....................-20
You get home at 3 am...............................................-30
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars ...........-40
And not wearing any pants..........................................-50
Is that a tattoo??................................................-200
Her Night Out
-------------
You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from
work................................................................+5
She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home
late...............................................................+10
You wait up........................................................+15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to
bed....+20
A Night At Home
---------------
You watch TV together............................................... 0
You rent a movie....................................................+2
You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY ......................+3
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout..............+5
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep........................-1
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool .............-2
A Night Out
-----------
You take her to a movie.............................................+2
You take her to a movie she likes...................................+4
You take her to a movie you hate ...................................+6
You take her to a movie you like....................................-2
It's called DeathCop 3..............................................-3
Which features cyborgs having sex...................................-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans..............-15
Flowers
-------
You buy her flowers only when it's expected......................... 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the **** of it ........+20
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself ..........+30
And she contracts Lyme disease.....................................-25
Your Physique
-------------
You develop a noticeable potbelly..................................-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it....+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts.....................................................-5
Finances
--------
You spend a lot of money on something impractical...................-5
Something she can't use............................................-10
Such a motorized model airplane....................................-20
And she got a small appliance for her birthday.....................-40
Driving
--------
You lost the directions on a trip...................................-4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost....................-10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town .....................-15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and
personal...........................................................-25
You know them......................................... ............-60
The Big Question
----------------
She asks, "Do I look fat?"..........................................-5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding.........................................-10
You reply, "Where?"................................................-35
Communication
-------------
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what
looks like a concerned expression....................................0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes.............+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV......+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep..................-20
