Is being married with no children good or bad

[GeorgeKaplan]

You can't miss what you never had. It's also better to be born blind than to lose your sight later in life.

I've been happily married for over 30 years. I knew going in to the marriage she could not have kids. So far, so good. I hear guys at work talk about their kids and their problems and I don't feel like I'm missing anything. And financially! Geez!

No drug problems. No legal issues. No unplanned pregnancy. The list goes on.

When you're dead, you're dead. You progeny won't mean anything; because you're dead.

 

[shiny]

Do you hope that having children will fill a void in yourself? Or do you want children so that you can sacrifice your needs for theirs? Because too many people have children for the first reason, when it should be for the latter.

I made a conscious choice not to have children because I didn't think I had the required selflessness to be a good parent. Better to not be a parent than to be a bad one. I've never regretted the decision. My late husband had a son for whom I put my own desires aside and step-parented to the best of my ability. It. Was. Not. Fun.

 

[pbm]

I think it's nether good nor bad but just the way it is.

There is a difference between being married and CHOOSING to not have children and not being able to have children.

I know many couples that (I feel) would have been great parents but were unable to have children...(your thoughtfulness on the subject leads me to believe that you would fit this category).

On the other hand, we have an epidemic of unwed mothers which I believe is at the root of many of our societal problems.

Just accept your situation and enjoy each other as much as possible.

 

[Yah-Tah-Hey]

Our genes have only one goal and that is to be replicated.They don't care about us or our species.Just use us as taxis to be passed on to the next generation.

 

[RISUPERCREWMAN]

I'm 51 have no kids and sleep very well at night!

 

[GrtArtiste]

I am never married...no children and I'm okay with that. I might've felt differently if some woman wanted me, but no one did. Water under the bridge now. Something to think about: In the year I was born (1954) the total world population was approx 2.2 Billion give or take...and it took ALL OF HUMAN HISTORY (however long that was) to get to that number. Now...in my lifetime...the number of human beings has more than tripled to something in excess of 7 Billion. Don't know when, but I think there's going to be a breaking point someday and when it happens it won't be pretty.

 

[yeti]

Originally Posted By: Leo99
Originally Posted By: Al
Originally Posted By: skyactiv
We obviously won't have the possibility of great, great, great, great... grand children long after we're dead.

Who cares...you always "think" you miss what you didn't get. I raised 2, put them through college. But there was sacrifice which took a physical toll on both of us.

We love our grandkids/kids. But ignorance is bliss. Raising kids is a fools mission. Enjoy each other, travel, do good works, retire in Hawaii and don't worry about the "Road Not taken"

Besides the earth doesn't need more kids. And the way this world is going, do you want to bring kids into this world?
[/adjusts flame suit]



I concur. My kids drive me nuts. I'd be looking forward to retirement in a few years if I didn't have kids. I mean I love them and support them but... You're not missing out on anything.


doesn't make sense to ask such a question on the internet.trav stated a similar reply.

leo is being honest.you'll hear a lot of answers on both sides of the argument.
i've heard , several times over the years, parents whose lives were miserable because of kids, push having kids on childless couples.their lives are miserable, so they're not happy unless they see other couples in the same boat.
for many couples, the bad outweighs the good -- for many, the opposite is true.
point is -- you have to decide yourself, and not listen to internet opinions.

the happiest people that I've known, all have one thing in common.NO kids.
I'm just relaying what I've seen, and heard.

 

[gfh77665]

Adopt!

I was adopted at birth. God gave me my REAL parents through the adoption process.

Adopt!!

You will be a blessing to kid(s) who badly NEED a parent!

Adopt!!!

Not only will you give an incredible gift to them, you will give an incredible gift to your self and your wife. I guarantee you, at the end of your life, you will look back with amazement and fulfillment.

Message me if you would like. I would sincerely like to send you my phone number and share and speak with you about adoption. God Bless!

 

[JennyHemi]

'Family' is what you make it. Whether that be biological children, adopted children, pets, church, friends, neighbors, co-workers, volunteer work (all of the above?), etc.

People live on in the lives of those they touch, not necessarily just those they create. If you have love to give and the resources to support it, I encourage you to pursue it.

 

[SumpChump]

Kids will give you a bigger sense of pride than ANY masterpiece you create andy business deal any novel your write any estate you own. BUT they will cause you cry harder ask why deeper and worry more than anything you can possibly imagine. My wife was mid term pregnant on 9-11-2001 and I have never cried as hard as when I saw the towers fall. I knew that he would never ever know a country without fearmongerin, suspicion, monitoring and the persecuted "they".

Oh and When they are ill you will do anything to try to take their pain. Now imagine watching a child feel cancer.

Think about how you feel about our world.

 

[John_K]

Quote:
Raising kids is a fools mission. Enjoy each other, travel, do good works, retire in Hawaii and don't worry about the "Road Not taken"


Absolutely. My wife can't have children and this upset her when she was young. I say "yay!" Everyone I have ever known with kids tells me how great it is....until I get to know them better and they say "boy I envy you not having to deal with kids." Bills, poopy diapers, hassles, I don't see what I am "missing".

John

 

[d00df00d]

Originally Posted By: Mr Nice
JHZR2,

I agree. The most important thing in any woman's life is her children and having a family.

This is the kind of thing that you should let a woman speak for herself about.

The women I know are no more or less interested in family than the men I know.

 

[xxch4osxx]

Originally Posted By: John_K
Quote:
Raising kids is a fools mission. Enjoy each other, travel, do good works, retire in Hawaii and don't worry about the "Road Not taken"


Absolutely. My wife can't have children and this upset her when she was young. I say "yay!" Everyone I have ever known with kids tells me how great it is....until I get to know them better and they say "boy I envy you not having to deal with kids." Bills, poopy diapers, hassles, I don't see what I am "missing".

John
I agree here. I don't have any and glad I don't. I certainly don't envy anybody who has kids either. I'm 42 if that means anything.

 

[Kuato]

Originally Posted By: skyactiv
My wife and I tried having a baby in 2014.
She has type 1 diabetes albeit being tall and skinny. She takes good care of her diabetes, but went into diabetic shock in her sleep which caused her to have a miscarriage in the second trimester.
Due to her age and career, we decided not to give it another go or to adopt.
I feel like I'm missing something in life having no children. Things I can't put in words.
And what may sound odd to some is that I believe my wife's and I existence will cease when we die. We obviously won't have the possibility of great, great, great, great... grand children long after we're dead.


Sorry to hear about the miscarriage, my wife and I have had 2 of them so understand what you're going through. My wife is also diabetic with high blood pressure so further attempts were a no go.

It's neither good nor bad - it's completely up to you and your wife and no one else so talk about it.

 

[Triple_Se7en]

Originally Posted By: DuckRyder
IMO You need to be talking to your wife about this, not us.

IMO 2 Being married with no children is neither good nor bad inherently, it is simply being married with no children...


Well if you are in a fixed income with no children and have bare bones health care, you may wish you had bore children to help tend for you when afflicted with old age.

 

[OVERKILL]

I have three kids, so I am, to preface what comes next, biased.

We started young, my eldest is 12 and I just turned 36. Because of this, the first few years were a bit of a struggle as neither of us had fantastic careers at that point but we survived.

There have been ups and downs, as one would expect but your kids are, to sound cliche, extensions of you, your spouse and your families. You will see yourself or members of your family in them and that can be both simultaneously beautiful and infuriating. I have a brilliant sister whose social awkwardness and interaction with others was immensely trying for my parents growing up. I now have that in my middle child. My mother is an intelligent and compassionate woman who was a mischievous and devious child. My daughter, my youngest is her clone. My eldest personifies, in many ways, my father.

I had incredible parents (and grandparents on my mom's side) growing up and thoroughly enjoyed the experience of "family". I knew I wanted to perpetuate that and have. Summers at the cottage, enjoying and introducing them to your hobbies, like in my case, shooting, is a priceless experience. The death-grip hugs from my daughter and her struggle to whisper in that exertion "I love you daddy" is a feeling I wouldn't trade for anything in the world.

 

[4D-56]

Your question was "Is being married with no children good or bad"

For both of you, looking outside of yourselves for an answer is futile but its what we've been conditioned to do. Nobody else can answer this but you. Not the therapist, the priest, "god" (conjecture in itself)....only you.

My question to you is this: is it the 'thing' of focus or the mind that thinks about it that's the problem?

Dont get me wrong, I feel for you in a number of ways, #1 that your wife is diabetic. #2 that she miscarried. #3 that you're in anguish about it.

Another way in which we've been conditioned is marriage. Its simply an idea and as far as im concerned, a poor one. There's only relationship, or the lack there of. If you and her actually have true relationship then all will be well, or, in the absence of it, you'll have conflict, both within yourselves and with each other.

Im going deeper here, which is what has to be done to find the real answers. The source of good vs bad, positive vs negative, right vs wrong etc etc has to be understood. When you understand that, you'll no longer play that game and see that your current situation just IS. You are without a child, is simply is. anything after that is the mind that thinks about it.

When years ago I was invited to look deeper, It made no sense, now, as I look more and more into this "me", this "self"...life becomes clearer and clearer with less confusion, conflict (both inner & outer) with more joy & actually happiness.

What is comes down to is each of us taking self responsibility. It can be arduous and many dont want to do it, it seems. There's SO much going on that we're missing.



If you're up for some reading, try "The first and last freedom" or "Freedom from the known" by J.Krishnamurti as a couple of his "starter" books.

 

[WillsYoda]

If you value autonomy, then children might not be for you.

If you value family, love, and commitment, then children might be for you.

I've heard many parents say this:
"With children, the highs are much higher, and the lows are much lower. The lows and highs can shift on a dime."

 

[Oro_O]

Quote:
I feel like I'm missing something in life having no children. Things I can't put in words.


This is the important statement to start resolving things from. First ask this -

Does your wife feel that same inner need as strongly? If so, then you have two options:

a) discuss with a fertility expert the options for a closely managed, planned pregnancy. There are ways to manage very difficult hurdles to pregnancy to have a live birth. Most all insurance will pay for this, too. I know from personal and professional experience.

b) Adoption is a viable option for meeting this need. I know from personal experience.

I was married young/divorced young. I always "knew" inside me that kids were important to me and a vital part of how my brain was wired to interpret human life. I never fell in love or was with someone wanting kids, and it was painful to me. Eventually, I met someone I am very compatible and happy with, and she had two young children 3 and 9 at the time. I take so much joy from the kids I could not with to be happier. MAYBE I could if they were my own, but the satisfaction I take from raising them, tutoring them, taking them to ball practice or the ice cream shop, contemplating their future and how I can try to equip them to meet it as good citizens and capable, well-rounded individuals, is fantastic.

If the generative urge in you and your wife is strong, stronglyconsider adoption if the first option does not work out.

 

[Wheel]

Life is what you make of it. If you feel a need for children to be complete, there are plenty of ways to make that happen. (ie:adoption)

If you don't think you need them, you don't.

What other standard do you need ?