Help me list the benefits of a helper for my aging in place parents...

[Pablo]

My parents are over 90 and live in their house.

They are forgetful but mostly functional. They do not drive. The eyesight between the two is extremely marginal.

My brother delivers groceries to them. And they have a house cleaner every two weeks.

Their finances are high and good, they spend near zero. Money is not an issue.

They definitely need help. But they are so stubborn. So proud. If they weren't my parents I would call them idiotic, by I will leave it at illogical.

We are trying to hire a helper, but they are having none of it. I need help. We need help! I'm not talking medical help for them, but a generalized helper.

A helper can:

Make some meals (not all meals)
Do day to day laundry
Keep up the pantry and fridge (was a scary disaster, say no more)
Arrange the house (stuff a cleaner doesn't do every two weeks)
Change sheets
Be on duty if they fall (both have tripped)

What else?

Other ideas to help us to at least open them up to the idea.

 

[Blueshound]

We apparently have the same parents. I'm interested to hear any suggestions.

 

[JeffKeryk]

I hired a wonderful woman from Tonga. My father was not a nice man. Mani allowed me to work and took the best care of him for nearly 5 years. She was a live in home care giver, but there are many scenarios. Mani is an incredible, strong woman. The best.

PM me if you want more information.

 

[Pablo]

PM sent. Thanks!

 

[demarpaint]

Catholic Charities got us someone good for my wife's father years ago. She was paid an hourly rate and was very kind and caring. At first my FIL was very difficult but eventually took a liking to her. She did everything on your list including taking him shopping and for haircuts, etc.

 

[Jdeere562]

I just got out of a nursing home a couple weeks ago. (long story)

I'm in Iowa. Nursing home hooked me up with Angel's Home Health Care. Costs me nothing, all paid by Medicare.
They do most of what you asked with few exceptions. In fact, they are getting to be a PIA wanting to send a nurse almost every day.
This week I have care Mon, Thurs and Fri. More to come next week.

They go above and beyond. I can't climb in the tub to shower. Lady today said they will help me. Daughter ordered on of those chairs today, that you climb into tub from the outside from Amazon. That should help a bunch. Tired of sponge baths!

Don't think they will do the grocery shopping, but I never asked. I pay another lady to do that, my laundry, get mail, etc.
She got my tub all cleaned out today for the chair arrival next week.

Getting old and a failing body is no fun. Best of luck in your situation! I got over being to stubborn while bed ridden.
Had to let the nurses do their job! It even came to the point that I needed a catheter. That sucked.

They had 2 young lady's come to do it. (looked like college age) I did not trust them. My Daughter (RN w/BSN) degree was there at my bed. She told them to take a break, so they did, probably against hospital rules. Soon as they left the room, she had it done in maybe 10 seconds. Makes a man uncomfortable with the Daughter playing with his junk.... But she has years of practice in that stuff, so I would rather trust her than college girls.

 

[Al]

Perhaps tell them that they really should go to a place where they can have all the care they need but it costs $$$$$$$$$$. Mention the helper will be much cheaper. That will certainly resonate with them. Then go seek out a good person/helper and explain the situation to that helper...you will pay for the trouble and see how it resonates with their parents.

We are both 77 and wish to stay in our home. And we have the available option to move to Masonic Village. You don't need to be a Mason although I am one. The good thing about a "Masonic Village" is they will never kick you to the curb and they will never be sold.
This is where we are pre-plugged in at.

Home - Masonic Village Elizabethtown

Take time to rediscover YOU. Embrace relaxation and security amidst 21 scenic acres only 30 minutes from Philadelphia.

masonicvillageelizabethtown.org

1400 Acres. The place is amazing

 

[Sequoiasoon]

For my dad before he passed, my mom hired a retired nurse (neighbors friend) who does home health aid but privately and gets paid hourly. She did all the extra bathing needs and helped with laundry and many other things. Mom and dad had already signed up for meals on wheels through senior center. It's not expensive and they would get a good healthy meal delivered around 11:30am. They often had leftovers of that for dinner. Mom is now 86, having more troubles seeing and the $$$$ hearing aids are not cutting it. Rosie (the private HHA) takes mom to doctors visits, shopping to supermarket, helps in a general way with everything. I think she gets like $20-25/hour but has no minimum time unlike the visiting nurse services and state ones. If Mom only needs/wants 2-3 hours she is good with that. Many of the services and state ones the HHA's don't drive, don't have cars and rely on public transit. Finding someone (like Rosie) that has her own car and drives is huge.

They already had a cleaner that comes either weekly or every other week prior to all the issues.

My sister does A LOT for mom, she lives about 15 minutes away and can work from home often currently. She tries to do as many of the appointments as possible but normally Rosie comes also for someone else to hear what the doctor is saying needs to be done. I'm almost 2 hours away depending traffic and work nights. I have done some vacation days etc to try and help out but not nearly there as much as I should be.

Around me currently we have multiple Bristol Assisted living places but of course you move there. When my FD toured the closest one as it was being built, I think it was $6000/month for the smallest place. Everything is basically included in that and they have higher care levels as needs change including dementia wards.

Dad planned pretty good so between military pension, work pension, social security and savings/investments, mom is OK and comfortable money wise. House is fully paid, bills are minimum.

 

[Sequoiasoon]

My mom was definitely not on board originally. Proud German who took care of dads issues for many years. Didn't think she needed help but a couple of dads falls that she couldn't pick him up and had to call neighbors and ambulance.

It's very difficult when you are used to doing everything to admit to needing help.

We also got Mom the life alert buttons in multiple places and the watch from Bay Alarm Medical. She activated accidentally a couple times and couldn't hear the alarm company talking on the intercom. They sent police/medical right away. The trusted neighbors and my sister/myself are on the call list.

She doesn't have yet but many also get a keypad lock for the house. Our fire dispatcher has codes listed by address, they call the officers on scene so it is not broadcast on radio and we don't need to break in. We get many houses that they also put a key somewhere the same way and list with dispatch.

 

[Pablo]

My mom was definitely not on board originally. Proud German who took care of dads issues for many years. Didn't think she needed help but a couple of dads falls that she couldn't pick him up and had to call neighbors and ambulance.

It's very difficult when you are used to doing everything to admit to needing help.

We also got Mom the life alert buttons in multiple places and the watch from Bay Alarm Medical. She activated accidentally a couple times and couldn't hear the alarm company talking on the intercom. They sent police/medical right away. The trusted neighbors and my sister/myself are on the call list.

She doesn't have yet but many also get a keypad lock for the house. Our fire dispatcher has codes listed by address, they call the officers on scene so it is not broadcast on radio and we don't need to break in. We get many houses that they also put a key somewhere the same way and list with dispatch.

I am pretty sure that is what it will take.

Lots of good stuff to digest. Thanks guys.

 

[TheLastWord]

Quote: "Be on duty if they fall (both have tripped)"

That is the most significant statement. Old folks who trip (fall) will fall again. And the statistics are not good. Broken hip, broken knee or worse. Falling on a carpet in an open space is one thing, but falling in a bathroom or kitchen hitting a counter or table edge on the head is somethng else.

Be firm but tactful. Tough love. You and your brother owe it to them. They raised you, now you take care of them.

Be thankful they raised you with the concern to face this openly and not ignore it like so many others.

There are agencies who specialize in finding the right person. Do your due diligence.

 

[Shel_B]

My parents are over 90 and live in their house.

They are forgetful but mostly functional. They do not drive. The eyesight between the two is extremely marginal.

My brother delivers groceries to them. And they have a house cleaner every two weeks.

Their finances are high and good, they spend near zero. Money is not an issue.

They definitely need help. But they are so stubborn. So proud. If they weren't my parents I would call them idiotic, by I will leave it at illogical.

We are trying to hire a helper, but they are having none of it. I need help. We need help! I'm not talking medical help for them, but a generalized helper.

A helper can:

Make some meals (not all meals)
Do day to day laundry
Keep up the pantry and fridge (was a scary disaster, say no more)
Arrange the house (stuff a cleaner doesn't do every two weeks)
Change sheets
Be on duty if they fall (both have tripped)

What else?

Other ideas to help us to at least open them up to the idea.

One of the things you might consider is companionship. Sweetie was 92 when she passed, and she lived a full and active life to the end. But she loved it when friends and neighbors came to visit, especially when her tenants would come by for a visit, and doubly so when their kids would join in.

The things you've listed are all "mechanical" things, but life is more than that as you know. Find someone who can relate to your folks on a personal level, and someone that your folks would like and enjoy spending time with.

In my place, I have an emergency push-button thingie. It's mounted on a hook and is low to the floor. If ever I fall or injure myself, I just push the button and help is on the way. Being low to the floor is key, so if I do fall it's relatively simple to get to the alarm button. I can also wear it on a chain around my neck.

 

[bbhero]

My parents are over 90 and live in their house.

They are forgetful but mostly functional. They do not drive. The eyesight between the two is extremely marginal.

My brother delivers groceries to them. And they have a house cleaner every two weeks.

Their finances are high and good, they spend near zero. Money is not an issue.

They definitely need help. But they are so stubborn. So proud. If they weren't my parents I would call them idiotic, by I will leave it at illogical.

We are trying to hire a helper, but they are having none of it. I need help. We need help! I'm not talking medical help for them, but a generalized helper.

A helper can:

Make some meals (not all meals)
Do day to day laundry
Keep up the pantry and fridge (was a scary disaster, say no more)
Arrange the house (stuff a cleaner doesn't do every two weeks)
Change sheets
Be on duty if they fall (both have tripped)

What else?

Other ideas to help us to at least open them up to the idea.

Pablo….

You are asking for patient care aide ..

Nothing wrong with that. But you should have a person who has had training on cpr, when to call for help, they need to know when to calll for 911, and what NOT to do if there is a bad fall….

Being more technical here… Are your parents DNRs with the actual real form filled out and signed by them and a physician? Or do they have a living will with you or someone else who is the medical power of attorney?

I know….. Because I have to do in home assessments for pcas, CNAs, and hhas to do everything you mentioned in your list.

 

[bbhero]

Those pictures in my last post are from my paperwork I have to fill out for new personal care assessment visits.

My opinion… Is go through an agency but before doing that puts your ears to the ground and find out from real everyday people what individual care givers are highly thought of and did good work.

Pablo I have had a discussion with my own mom about the possible need her and my step father needing extra help…Thankfully she was open to the idea. Time will tell if I can get her and him to agree to it when it becomes necessary.

I know exactly what it is like to try to walk this path… I’m in the middle of doing it too.

 

[bbhero]

I am going to say something’s here as a fyi to you all on here…


I’m not against hiring a private duty person for anyone’s parents… I believe it can a fine and good action to take

However.. You must understand that you can be putting that person in a very, very difficult place if things go bad. This is NOT as simple as you may think that it is…. It’s not.

First and strongest point….

What is your parents code status ??

Are they a Full code ?

Do they have a living will ?

A Living Will IS NOT the same thing as a DNR….

In the overwhelming vast majority of circumstances a living will is a TREATMENT protocol for that person. If this happens.., then I want this or I don’t want that performed etc etc etc… A Living Will very, very, very highly likely that it makes that individual a FuLL CODE with a preference for a TREATMENT protocol if their condition worsens..:

Who is the declared medical power of attorney ? Is there a line of succession in that medical power of attorney?

Do they have a DNR form that is in their possession… signed by them or their declared medical power of attorney and signed by a physician ?

Do they have a living will ? Where is it? And YOU must READ that…. And YOU understand clearly what that truly means and entails… That is not necessarily a DNR form at least in my state of Virginia. That is a yellow sheet that is clearly marked and made clear what the form is.


Do they have medical equipment in their home ?? Blood pressure cuff ? Pulse oximeter ? Thermometer? Oxygen concentrator ? Nebulizer machine ? A CPAP ? Rolling walker ? Wheelchair ? Etc etc etc



Does this care giver know what to do if there is a bad fall ? Are they medically trained ?

Guys… if a person falls and breaks their femur bone… it is dangerously close to the femoral artery… if that person is moved or attempted to be lifted up… that bokrn bone being potentially razor sharp.. Will cut that femoral artery… your loved one will die from blood loss very, very, very quickly of that were to happen. Seriously in less than a few minutes.

A care giver must know that IF there is any chance of a broken femur bone and or pelvis bone… they must kept that person still and NOT try to lift them.

Does a care giver know what medications the older people are on ? If they are on a blood thinner…. If there is a unwitnessed fall… That person should go to the hospital. And have a CT scan done to make sure there is no bleeding internally inside their head.

On the subject of medications…..

CNAs, PCAs and HHAs are NOT licensed to give INSULIN shots…. They are NoT allowed to adjust INSULIN PEN dosages… It is outside their SCOPE of PRACTICE. Or other medication injections like Lovenox injections or Heparin injections etc etc

UNLESS you have a certified medication aide…

The CNA, PCA and HHA should not administer by mouth medications. … They DO NOT know rhe perameters for when to give or when to hold certain medications… That MATTERS…. Giving an older person their cardiac medication and yet their heart rate is already low at say 41-43 beats per minute…. Is NOT a good thing to do.

Personal care aides are NOT respiratory therapist…. They CANNOT give your older family member a breathing treatment if they are prescribed that…

Personal care aides CANNOT … Flush Foley catheters, G tubes. IV PICC lines or mediators IV or temporary IV sites… Those are outside of their SCOPE of practice…. They cannot give IV medication via IV push or even slow IV fluid drips…

PCAs, CNAs and HHAs cannot perform a bowel program for a patient… It is outside their SCOPE of practice….

Does a care giver know what to look for IF someone is having a Urinary Tract infection or respiratory infection ? These are some of the biggest threats to our older people.

CNAs, PCAs and HHAs are NOT licensed to change serious wound bandages or post operative bandages…. IT is outside of their SCOPE of practice….

Many and I MEAN many regular everyday people don’t know what people can and cannot do when it comes to in home care…

I have dealt with this quite a lot since I have been doing this.

People think or maybe don’t know that there are some BIG limitations to what a in home care giver can and CANNOT do… Some people want a “nurse” but want to pay a CNA, PCA or HHA for the same level of practice…. That is inherently FOOLISH and dangerous and against state regulations….

I’m definitely NOT against anyone hiring a in home care giver for their family. I think it can be fine and good

However… you MUST understand clearly what that person CAN and CANNOT do while in your parents home. And by doing that you MUST never ask that person to do something outside of their SCOPE of practice. I cannot state that STRONGLY enough…

I have more to say when it comes to all this. . I will give more thoughts and my information later on.

I’m tired…

I want all you guys on here to have and know as much information as possible about this. Because I deal with it with my job and on a personal note… Im facing this circumstance with my own family.

 

[Pablo]

For absolute certain they don't want anything like any kind of daily "medical" assistance. Non starter.

 

[doitmyself]

Dang, excellent opinions so far. My 90 year old mom is recovering from a hip fracture fall. She had her own efficiency apartment in an assisted living facility and now will move into a "more assisted" situation when recovered.

Overcoming the stubbornness factor needs to be addressed more - you/we need to become a psychology major. I can only add to Google it. Yes, I Googled "How to get home care for stubborn elders" and there are tons of hits. This link mentions an idea I use: https://opensystemshealthcare.com/elderly-parents-refuse-help/

"Make It About You - This sounds counter intuitive, but hear us out. If your parents won’t budge on help for themselves, would they do it for their kids? Re-frame the conversation to be about YOU. You’re the one who is worried about them, and your stress from those constant concerns is becoming a burden on you (and your siblings). Many parents don’t like the idea of being a burden or a source of trouble for their children, so making the discussion about your needs may be another way to convince them to agree to some help."

 

[Sequoiasoon]

One of the things you might consider is companionship. Sweetie was 92 when she passed, and she lived a full and active life to the end. But she loved it when friends and neighbors came to visit, especially when her tenants would come by for a visit, and doubly so when their kids would join in.

The things you've listed are all "mechanical" things, but life is more than that as you know. Find someone who can relate to your folks on a personal level, and someone that your folks would like and enjoy spending time with.

In my place, I have an emergency push-button thingie. It's mounted on a hook and is low to the floor. If ever I fall or injure myself, I just push the button and help is on the way. Being low to the floor is key, so if I do fall it's relatively simple to get to the alarm button. I can also wear it on a chain around my neck.

We mounted the push buttons low in all the bathrooms. She is very good at wearing the watch instead of the pendant. She also has the pendant for other times but likes the watch better.

Co-worker also put in some security camera's in living room, kitchen, hall at his Aunts house. He can check them multiple times daily to make sure everyone is moving around and that the health aids are doing their job. He told all of them the camera's are there. He found one aid sound asleep for more than 1/2 her shift daytime and another going through his aunts pocket book.

He also set up an Ipad on the kitchen at table so he can facetime her easily and have a conversation to see how she also responds daily.

My moms helper came through the house and told my mom. Put all the jewelry into firebox/safe or safe deposit box. The cash she had around etc the same way and other valuables. If other agency people come those were very tempting dis-appearance items. She said if your not wearing this until a special event don't keep in Jewelry box.

 

[Pablo]

Don't make TOO much of the falls. I maybe should have qualified that remark. My mom tripped in the garden last year and my dad a couple years ago. Nothing major, no injuries. BUT it is a REAL upcoming concern.

For now we are not going to press it, but we do need to get them to the doctor for check ups. They are super old school on that too (I get it) Only go to the doc when required. The doc tells them they need help? Maybe, but they would forget.

 

[JeffKeryk]

Let your folks know it is all about the future. Better to have stuff in place while you have time to do so. Things change fast...