Had an affair.....

Status
Not open for further replies.
R

rat

Joined
Dec 10, 2006
Messages
361
Location
Michigan
Hey guys,
I decided that I need an outlet to vent and maybe get some advice. Maybe someone here has been in my shoes. I had an affair during the summer of 2011. I got caught. The other woman was our live in babysitter. She was also very close friends with my wife, which didn't help when I got caught. Since the affair was discovered I've been trying to reconcile with my wife. I realize how very stupid it was. Why I didn't see this coming while the affair was going on is beyond me. Since I was caught I've severed all contact with the other woman (wife threw her out immediately) and jumped through every hoop my wife has put in front of me. I never could have imagined the impact it would have had on my wife. Its been 15 months and she is still a complete wreck. We have 6 kids and many times I've been a single parent while she is locked in our bedroom listening to sad depressing music while I take care of the house. Her behavior is all over the map. I've talked to other couples that have been through this and even the wives that have been through multiple affairs don't understand why my wife still feels like it just happened yesterday. My wife goes off on these extreme tangents about how she isn't good enough, and everything is tainted, and she can never feel love again. I don't know what to do anymore.
 
I think it's time to seek out professional help (couples counseling/therapy). Sorry to hear about all of this.
 
Show her ur still the person she fell in love with. Everyone makes mistakes, the wise learn from them. It is never ok to cheat on someone, yet circumstances are always different for different folks. Its an unfortunate occurance that happened.

Maybe try getting someone to watch/take care of your kids while you both go travel for a bit together ? Visit some place you always wanted to go? Think hard and remember the little things she wanted to do, find her bucket list if you will. Make it happen.

As hard as you are trying, since your effort isnt entirely about her, she feels that she lacked "something" which made you stray. And most important, get her out of the house, out to the park , some activity, social interaction. She still cares enough to stick around, maybe she just needs the right reasons to stick around some more. Give her those. You already did once.

Good luck and hope everything works out for you!
 
As someone that has their share of marital issues, I think both of you should seek professional help ASAP,15 months is a long time for no action, remember that you need to fit with a professional, just because they have a MD or PhD does not mean they can help you, good luck
 
Seek professional help. Just my $.02, but many times an affair is only a symptom of a larger problem, not the problem iteslf. A professional marriage counselor/psychiatrist should be able to flush out the larger issues. Sometimes one individual needs more 'help' than the other, sometimes the problem isn't with one or both individuals, just with the relationship itself.

It sounds like you've already done everything she has asked you to do, so there isn't any more you can do alone. A professional psychiatrist who specializes in marriage counseling would be your best bet.
 
You should be happy she didn't kick the "rat" out of the house also. The advice above sounds solid.
 
Originally Posted By: bourne
She still cares enough to stick around, maybe she just needs the right reasons to stick around some more.


She only has 6 reasons for sticking around. If she didn't, she'd probably be gone.


Not only did you betray her and your kids, you used her friend to do it. 15 months is nothing. If you want her to count you as a reason to stick around, you need to give her as much time as she needs to forgive you, if that can ever even happen. You both, and possibly your kids, should get some counciling.
 
Get counseling for both of you and try hard, if that fails, sadly you may as well move on, you life will not get better
 
Check out www.marriagebuilders.com and get yourself a copy of Surviving an Affair.

There are clear steps that both the unfaithful and the betrayed spouse have to follow to recover and to put the protections into place so that such an abusive act does not recur in your marriage.
 
In addition to professional help, I think you need to understand that we are all different emotionally. Some people get over things no matter how sad very quickly, others would remember things for life.

IMO you two probably had issues before the affair. IMO finding out what is the problem that lead to the affair in addition to professional help is very important. You have 6 kids, and that's going to be a lot of stress, especially if most of the child caring burden was on your wife before you had the nanny.

I'm sure there's some stress in your life that you were trying to relieve by having the affair, especially if it is more than just one incident. This also must be addressed if you and your wife wants to be together more than just to raise the kid and the financial stability.

You wife is clearly having a depression problem, and you likely have some but not as severe either.


My wife had some allergy / yeast inflection and blame me for "cheating and passing her some non-existing STD" once. Wife now think back and we laugh at how silly she was and how scary her inner self could be, but during the time the fight and argument was brutal and I'm sure your situation is way worse.
 
Last edited:
You two should give serious consideration to getting assistance with this. It's been a long time and you're still having issues, sounds like "moving through the issue" hasn't happened, like you're stuck in the mud. By "you" I mean the two of you, marriage is a team sport. Good luck. And just remember: with all that you've been through in the last year+, the hard part, working through the issues, is still ahead.
 
You may want individual counseling along with marriage counseling. I would not wait hoping things will get better. From her view, you did it once, you will do it again.

People can forgive.

Try some prayer. He is always listening.
 
Originally Posted By: rat
Hey guys,
I decided that I need an outlet to vent and maybe get some advice. Maybe someone here has been in my shoes. I had an affair during the summer of 2011. I got caught. The other woman was our live in babysitter. She was also very close friends with my wife, which didn't help when I got caught.


Both you and your wife aren't too smart. #1 She should know to never have her girlfriend move into her home. #2 You should know if you carp on your dinner plate sooner or later you are going to eat some. My best advice:

A. Decide if you really want to stay with her.
B. If so, find a no-nonsense marriage counselor and start re-working your relationship.
C. If not, find a good lawyer.

Don't be surprised if it takes her 10 years to ever believe a word you say. If you can't sign on for at least 5 years of her feeling betrayed...get out. And whatever you do...do not become her servant because you are under the delusion that will make any difference. Also, if she starts bang-ing the guy next door...don't be shocked.
 
Forgot to mention that we've been through 3 different counselors. All of them ended up throwing up their hands and giving up on us because my wife didn't want to hear what they had to say. Which is mostly that there were issues that led to this and the only way we can work is if she forgives me and lets go of it and stops beating me with it.
 
Originally Posted By: The_Jake
#1 She should know to never have her girlfriend move into her home.


More like she should have hired a nanny that is totally incapable of an affair. 6 kids in a house demand not just 1, but 2 full time child care providers. If I remember right the law here requires a 1:7 ratio and that is for day time only child care above 2 year old. Below that it is 1:4 ratio. I'd imagine a 247 care would be even more challenging.
 
Originally Posted By: rat
Forgot to mention that we've been through 3 different counselors. All of them ended up throwing up their hands and giving up on us because my wife didn't want to hear what they had to say. Which is mostly that there were issues that led to this and the only way we can work is if she forgives me and lets go of it and stops beating me with it.


Sorry to say, but in this case a divorce may be the only choice left, so she can heal and maybe find love again. So could you.

Now the kids...
 
This may be true. But there are things you ahve to do as well.

Like I said, get the book by Dr Harley and each of you work on your side of the street.

If those counselors were blaming her for your choice to have an affair, well then I'm with her. You likely had legitimate complaints about the marriage, but an affair is an illegitimate means to solve your problems. And as you are learning, they only create worse problems.

The problem is your wife is not in love with you. She can't trust you and may even feel trapped due to the circumstances.

Man up and work on your side of the street, period. If you stop doing the things you may be doing that destroy romantic love and start doing the things that meet her emotional needs, she will fall in love with you again.

Three basic components. First, stop love busters. These are things that destroy romantic love for her. I'm sure the affair was a major love buster. But what about others. What annoying habits, angry outbursts, or other behaviors (spelled out in Surviving and Affair and/or His Needs/Her Needs) are you guilty of?

Second, meet her top emotional needs. What are her emotional needs. If you don't know, find out and start meeting them. These are things like conversation, financial support, domestic support, sex, romance, etc.

Third, you need 15-20 hours of uninterrupted time with her each week. That's time without kids, without TV, movies or other distractions. You can make major love bank deposits when you have this time alone with your wife.

Don't tell me how hard it is. I was the victim of an unfaithful wife and there were many times when I thought the best solution was to simply end it all.

According to Dr Harley, who has counseled folks who have lost loved ones and been raped who almost always say the betrayal by their spouse was harder on them emotionally than being raped or the death of a loved one.

Think on that when you start to make excuses about how hard it is to arrange for 15-20 hours of alone time with your wife so you can date her, meet her needs, etc.

Originally Posted By: rat
Forgot to mention that we've been through 3 different counselors. All of them ended up throwing up their hands and giving up on us because my wife didn't want to hear what they had to say. Which is mostly that there were issues that led to this and the only way we can work is if she forgives me and lets go of it and stops beating me with it.
 
You really have to look at the reason you cheated in the first place. Were you unhappy?

Unfortunately, this is an example of how much effect the choices we make have on others. I agree with what a lot of others posted, seek marriage counseling asap. The wounds may cut too deep and ultimately, divorce might be the final resolve. But at least you can say you both tried to make it right.
 
Last edited:
Originally Posted By: The_Jake
Originally Posted By: rat
Hey guys,
I decided that I need an outlet to vent and maybe get some advice. Maybe someone here has been in my shoes. I had an affair during the summer of 2011. I got caught. The other woman was our live in babysitter. She was also very close friends with my wife, which didn't help when I got caught.


Both you and your wife aren't too smart. #1 She should know to never have her girlfriend move into her home. #2 You should know if you carp on your dinner plate sooner or later you are going to eat some. My best advice:

A. Decide if you really want to stay with her.
B. If so, find a no-nonsense marriage counselor and start re-working your relationship.
C. If not, find a good lawyer.

Don't be surprised if it takes her 10 years to ever believe a word you say. If you can't sign on for at least 5 years of her feeling betrayed...get out. And whatever you do...do not become her servant because you are under the delusion that will make any difference. Also, if she starts bang-ing the guy next door...don't be shocked.


+1. It will probably take years for her to trust again. For you, it was sex. For her, it was a violation of your wedding vows, and a defiling of her home.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

Similar threads

L
  • Locked
Engaged
2
Replies
26
Views
4K
sleddriver
A
  • Locked
AT&T Thumbs UP
Replies
16
Views
1K
Al
C
  • Locked
Our little dog passed yesterday.
2 3
Replies
58
Views
4K
alarmguy
S
  • Locked
Divorce
4 5 6
Replies
111
Views
51K
stockrex
S
  • Locked
Murder
2
Replies
22
Views
5K
Propflux01
Back
Top Bottom