Friend has trouble telling female friend the truth

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It's not dating women at work or gossip from coworkers that would be the problem.
The problem will be what this woman perceives her relationship with your "friend" to be.
If she perceives it to have gone beyond friendship, then your "friend" has real problems ahead.
He'll likely survive them, but it won't be fun.
 
If she's only a friend, he can start to convey to her about how much he wants kids and family. After a few of those convos, she will get the hint. Either way if he doesn't want to get involved with her for that reason, he needs to stay away from the golden [censored].
 
Besides the debate on whether 40 is too old to have kids (just because you can doesn't necessarily mean you should), but rather, does she want another? Her last child is basically grown; does she want to start over? And she'll be 45 by the time you would actually have a child with her.

And I would never date someone at work! Too much risk doing that.
 
Your friend is weird. How exactly will he find a mate? At 42 what makes you or him think she wants anything more than casual sex. Ever occur she may want a love buddy, for lack of better words. Ever consider her kids are grown and gone and she just wants to have fun and he is going to lay all this start a family and your too old to breed. This guy is vetting a mother with every woman he meets?? We had two kids. The son is 18 and he moved out the day after he graduated to his own place in another state. My daughter is 17 and she will be looking into a military career. Loved raising kids, had a lot of fun and memories and they will be our kids forever. I am 47 , my wife is 42 and we are happy to get back to dating without kids. I am pretty sure your friends friend may be there too. Been there, done that. Now wants to have fun. Sorry to break it to your buddy. He is the late bloomer and I don't know how many young "breeding potential" woman want a grampa for a Daddy, which is what he will be.
 
Originally Posted By: Al
At her age you need to consider Downs as a possibility. You both better be on the same page of what you will do if that occurs.


Autism rears its ugly head in children of men over 40 far more frequently as well.
 
Originally Posted By: fdcg27
It's not dating women at work or gossip from coworkers that would be the problem.
The problem will be what this woman perceives her relationship with your "friend" to be.
If she perceives it to have gone beyond friendship, then your "friend" has real problems ahead.
He'll likely survive them, but it won't be fun.


True, but dating a co-worker is a seriously, seriously bad idea. Work comes with enough stress without having to deal with that too. Mixing too many pies together.
 
Originally Posted By: andrewg

I find it odd that you've never heard of a guy dating for the prospect of finding a mate to start a family. After all, that IS the one of the most common reasons for dating. If I was looking for a person to have kids with, I'd be very choosey and probably spend a lot of time dating prospective life mates. That's just what you do.


That's not the prospect described in the OP. The guy described in the OP rejects this woman simply because, in his mind, she's too old to have kids. If that's the only criteria for a relationship, then it is not normal and perhaps a reason why at 38 he's acting so desperate.
 
Originally Posted By: DoubleWasp
Originally Posted By: Al
At her age you need to consider Downs as a possibility. You both better be on the same page of what you will do if that occurs.


Autism rears its ugly head in children of men over 40 far more frequently as well.


True. However, everyone who decides to have kids really ought to ask themselves if they are prepared to deal with issues like this. Up front, before it happens. Miscarriages hurt pretty bad. Dealing with ADHD, autism, Downs, peanut allergies... paying for dental braces, after school activities, college... whole host of issues. Which ought to be thought about ahead of time.

Having kids is best when young and dumb, indeed!

I'm pretty stoked that by the time I'm 50 the youngest will be in college. I was the one who wanted to start our family, and felt old to become a father at 28. But a couple years prior I had realized that I wanted to see my succeeding generations, and be a part of their lives--to be involved in making something that would truly outlast me.
 
5 pages and nobody asked for pics? How can we advise without pictures of the girl?
21.gif
 
I am a proud father of near 2 year old at age 43. My wife and I had an absolute blast in our twenties into thirties with travel, outdoor pursuits and living all over the place but have settled into a near paid for home on coast.

My wife has worked her industry long enough and established to get higher positions that offers a lot of benefits but only works 3 days week/20hrs with incredible health insurance etc. That is very hard to achieve early on. I telecommute 100% at my level of career.

Other side of the coin here.
 
Originally Posted By: madRiver
I am a proud father of near 2 year old at age 43. My wife and I had an absolute blast in our twenties into thirties with travel, outdoor pursuits and living all over the place but have settled into a near paid for home on coast.

My wife has worked her industry long enough and established to get higher positions that offers a lot of benefits but only works 3 days week/20hrs with incredible health insurance etc. That is very hard to achieve early on. I telecommute 100% at my level of career.

Other side of the coin here.



That's pretty cool. :thumb: Different strokes for different folks.

I'm hoping that once I hit 50-55 I will be able to do similar: kids out of house, and I can change careers, telecommute, whatever. Coast until retirement. My big goals in life were never to do "cool" things, it was always more along the lines of the American dream (job, house, family). Now that I have that more or less achieved, I'm finding a desire to do other stuff: travel, hike, etc.
 
Originally Posted By: KrisZ
Originally Posted By: andrewg

I find it odd that you've never heard of a guy dating for the prospect of finding a mate to start a family. After all, that IS the one of the most common reasons for dating. If I was looking for a person to have kids with, I'd be very choosey and probably spend a lot of time dating prospective life mates. That's just what you do.


That's not the prospect described in the OP. The guy described in the OP rejects this woman simply because, in his mind, she's too old to have kids. If that's the only criteria for a relationship, then it is not normal and perhaps a reason why at 38 he's acting so desperate.


That's making a whole lot of assumptions. I'm taking that post to mean that he is looking for a woman to have a family with. I don't think that's a stretch to figure out, nor is it abnormal in any way. Why in the world do you think it abnormal that a guy of 38 decided to settle down and start a family? Sounds perfectly reasonable to look for a woman that fits his criteria of a prospective mother. Age is certainly one important factor...as is all kinds of other things. While you or others think the main point of a relationship is fun or sex....or going to a movie together once in a while, this guy seems to know what he wants. I see no act of desperation in that.

If I was in his shoes....and had decided to settle down and have children, I to would start with age being a very important factor. I'd want to eliminate as many risks as possible in my choices. An older woman CAN involve more risk in pregnancy as we al should know. So why not start out with a woman in her late twenties or low thirties? Nothing desperate in that....and certainly appropriate when looking for a mother of your children. And of course, there are many other things I'd want to consider.
That's called being smart and making the best choice you can based on using your brain.
 
Last edited:
Originally Posted By: andrewg
That's making a whole lot of assumptions. I'm taking that post to mean that he is looking for a woman to have a family with. I don't think that's a stretch to figure out, nor is it abnormal in any way. Why in the world do you think it abnormal that a guy of 38 decided to settle down and start a family? Sounds perfectly reasonable to look for a woman that fits his criteria of a prospective mother. Age is certainly one important factor...as is all kinds of other things. While you or others think the main point of a relationship is fun or sex....or going to a movie together once in a while, this guy seems to know what he wants. I see no act of desperation in that.

If I was in his shoes....and had decided to settle down and have children, I to would start with age being a very important factor. I'd want to eliminate as many risks as possible in my choices. An older woman CAN involve more risk in pregnancy as we al should know. So why not start out with a woman in her late twenties or low thirties? Nothing desperate in that....and certainly appropriate when looking for a mother of your children. And of course, there are many other things I'd want to consider.
That's called being smart and making the best choice you can based on using your brain.


You do realize that a girl looking for a sugar daddy can hit all these aspects? Perhaps someone looking for a green card? But you sure would get your kid.
wink.gif
 
Last edited:
Originally Posted By: KrisZ
Originally Posted By: andrewg
That's making a whole lot of assumptions. I'm taking that post to mean that he is looking for a woman to have a family with. I don't think that's a stretch to figure out, nor is it abnormal in any way. Why in the world do you think it abnormal that a guy of 38 decided to settle down and start a family? Sounds perfectly reasonable to look for a woman that fits his criteria of a prospective mother. Age is certainly one important factor...as is all kinds of other things. While you or others think the main point of a relationship is fun or sex....or going to a movie together once in a while, this guy seems to know what he wants. I see no act of desperation in that.

If I was in his shoes....and had decided to settle down and have children, I to would start with age being a very important factor. I'd want to eliminate as many risks as possible in my choices. An older woman CAN involve more risk in pregnancy as we al should know. So why not start out with a woman in her late twenties or low thirties? Nothing desperate in that....and certainly appropriate when looking for a mother of your children. And of course, there are many other things I'd want to consider.
That's called being smart and making the best choice you can based on using your brain.


You do realize that a girl looking for a sugar daddy can hit all these aspects? Perhaps someone looking for a green card? But you sure would get your kid.
wink.gif



No, a woman can not be a low-life and hit on the aspects of being a good mother. But if a guy was that foolish and didn't choose wisely.....then so be it I guess.
 
Originally Posted By: DoubleWasp
Originally Posted By: Al
At her age you need to consider Downs as a possibility. You both better be on the same page of what you will do if that occurs.


Autism rears its ugly head in children of men over 40 far more frequently as well.


I wouldn't consider autism to be ugly - it's a spectrum and the brain is wired to pick up social cues differently as well as develop differently. It's becoming more prevalent and I'm from the school of thought that it's a difference with the appropriate support - however the public school system doesn't do a good job educating children with learning differences and psychology/psychiatry still treats autism as something that needs to be wiped off the face of the earth(via ABA therapy and "normalizing" kids with an ASD).

I have personal experience with this, but I'd rather save deeper discussion via PM.
 
And I feel this way - I feel desperate to have a partner but I'm barely into my 30s and I've seeing people I've went to high school and college getting coupled up/married or starting families now - I've never had a serious girlfriend yet. However, I feel like I'm not quite there yet financially, socially and personally yet. I'm dedicating the first half of my 30s towards personal development. I'm fine with getting coupled up later on. I want to find myself first.

With dating as it is today, it just seems like an arduous task meeting people - online dating has more or less made people look like commodities, and apps like Tinder have in my eyes made dating look like a throw-away activity. I do know people who met online and gotten married, but for me I feel like I have a deeper bond with people when I meet them in person, although one of my best dates was online and the lady messaged me first - we meet weeks later in person.

And they do say people who get married later in life have a lower rate of getting divorced as well.
smile.gif
 
Originally Posted By: andrewg
No, a woman can not be a low-life and hit on the aspects of being a good mother. But if a guy was that foolish and didn't choose wisely.....then so be it I guess.


What's foolish is being 38 years old, looking at few years older women with disdain while thinking that women in their 20's or early 30's will not do the same to you. And the ones that do look for a much older partner, usually have ideas/goals of their own. And the ones that are single and similar age as you (late 30s, early 40's), well, usually there is a reason for that.
You can use all the brain power you want, it's not going to change this. The older you get, the slimmer the pickings.
 
Originally Posted By: KrisZ
Originally Posted By: andrewg
No, a woman can not be a low-life and hit on the aspects of being a good mother. But if a guy was that foolish and didn't choose wisely.....then so be it I guess.


What's foolish is being 38 years old, looking at few years older women with disdain while thinking that women in their 20's or early 30's will not do the same to you. And the ones that do look for a much older partner, usually have ideas/goals of their own. And the ones that are single and similar age as you (late 30s, early 40's), well, usually there is a reason for that.
You can use all the brain power you want, it's not going to change this. The older you get, the slimmer the pickings.


I'm really not understanding what you are trying to say.
Sorry.
 
Originally Posted By: nthach
And they do say people who get married later in life have a lower rate of getting divorced as well.
smile.gif



^^This times a million!! Women in their 20s are WAY to immature to marry and raise kids. I constantly hear all these 20something chicks,either married,with kids,or both,talk about wanting to get drunk and party and go bar hopping etc,or saying OMG Facebook this or Facebook that.. I'm thinking to myself "Chica you're a MOM and a WIFE,not a teenage schoolgirl,good God,grow up! I feel embarssed for them,could anyone here imagine their mom going "clubbing" or getting drunk or partying? Geez.
 
Originally Posted By: aquariuscsm
Originally Posted By: nthach
And they do say people who get married later in life have a lower rate of getting divorced as well.
smile.gif



^^This times a million!! Women in their 20s are WAY to immature to marry and raise kids. I constantly hear all these 20something chicks,either married,with kids,or both,talk about wanting to get drunk and party and go bar hopping etc,or saying OMG Facebook this or Facebook that.. I'm thinking to myself "Chica you're a MOM and a WIFE,not a teenage schoolgirl,good God,grow up! I feel embarssed for them,could anyone here imagine their mom going "clubbing" or getting drunk or partying? Geez.


You make a good point. I know of several "moms" that do just that. They post everything on Facebook like they are a sophomore in high school and looking for attention. Lip-pucker pics (what is it with that anyway? Looking like a goldfish isn't attractive to real men), photos holding up bottles of brew, and then they throw in a photo or two of the kids, while exclaiming how great a mother they are.

Idiots.

My mom? Even if Facebook was around then, she would not have used it for anything other than basic communication. She was busy raising the family....cooking, cleaning, disciplining us. No way she'd be caught dead goofing around in such a childish manor. I see young mothers walking the kids to school every day...face PLANTED in a smartphone. They barely look up. Poor kids. They will grow up feeling that they aren't as important as some moron posting a "pucker" pic.
 
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