Finding My Biological Father

Status
Not open for further replies.
Joined
Dec 21, 2014
Messages
850
Location
pennsylvania, usa
I've seen many of these endeavors undertaken. It almost never ends well. It's disrespectful to the REAL father, and can cause lots of problems with and for other family members. I would drop this immediately. Little to no benefit, lots of risk of pain.
 
Joined
Jun 3, 2005
Messages
16,314
Location
Santa Barbara, CA
It is worth trying I think. I have mentioned my situation a couple times on here. My parents were never married. My dad wasn't really around much and after 3 he was gone. My mom never once prevented him from seeing me if he wanted to. At some point my half brother gave my dad chicken pox which resulted in him being on permanent disability. I saw him when I was 11-12 for an afternoon. He lived in a hotel in downtown Santa Barbara that catered to those on disability. That closed and he moved to Isla Vista, literally maybe 2 miles from me. I still live in the house my grandparents bought in 1968 that he knows. Same phone numbers too. I am 33 now and he has made 0 effort to contact me. I haven't seen my half brother since I was 2-3 so no memory of him. I just have names at this point. I am pretty sure I saw my dad riding a bike when I was on a walk on my lunch break a couple weeks ago, but I don't thing he would recognize me. I figure it is his loss, not mine.
 

Al

Joined
Jun 8, 2002
Messages
19,340
Location
Elizabethtown, Pa
Originally Posted By: dlayman
I've seen many of these endeavors undertaken. It almost never ends well. It's disrespectful to the REAL father, and can cause lots of problems with and for other family members. I would drop this immediately. Little to no benefit, lots of risk of pain.
You are generalising. An insecure father might have problems with it. An enlightened one who understands will have no problems.
 

john_pifer

Thread starter
Joined
Jul 8, 2012
Messages
4,270
Location
Nashville, TN via Memphis
Originally Posted By: Mr Nice
What does your wife say about you wanting to meet biological father ?
I'm not married.
Originally Posted By: Al
Originally Posted By: dlayman
I've seen many of these endeavors undertaken. It almost never ends well. It's disrespectful to the REAL father, and can cause lots of problems with and for other family members. I would drop this immediately. Little to no benefit, lots of risk of pain.
You are generalising. An insecure father might have problems with it. An enlightened one who understands will have no problems.
I agree. Even if I find him and he doesn't want anything to do with me, at least I'll know. I'm also interested for the sake of my health and that of any children I may have in the future, even though I was negative for any of the hereditary maladies that 23andMe tests for. And, as I already mentioned, my Dad who raised me has been gone for nearly 15 years.
 
Joined
Dec 21, 2014
Messages
850
Location
pennsylvania, usa
Originally Posted By: Al
Originally Posted By: dlayman
I've seen many of these endeavors undertaken. It almost never ends well. It's disrespectful to the REAL father, and can cause lots of problems with and for other family members. I would drop this immediately. Little to no benefit, lots of risk of pain.
You are generalising. An insecure father might have problems with it. An enlightened one who understands will have no problems.
Yes, I am generalizing, but basing it on what I've seen happen. I was very close to someone who was adopted. Her parents were very loving and supportive, not the least insecure. They never said anything about the person seeking out the birthparents, but it was obvious they were hurt. I must be the odd one out. I would have zero interest in doing this. Like ancestry.com. Of no interest at all.
 
Joined
Dec 4, 2004
Messages
13,225
Location
1/2 hr N.E. of Detroit
I agree...... zero interest in pursuing this! Let me add..... My father walked out the front door of our home when I was eight years old - moved out of state - never returned - never called - never paid child support to five remaining kids. When I moved out and married at 20 years-old, I had zero interest in finding / pursuing him. I'm from the school that says should the dad abandon me as a young, tender age and break the entire family up into three households of remaining relatives, then I will abandon him likewise as an adult.
 
Joined
Jul 7, 2007
Messages
6,931
Location
NH
I will chime in and say I don't approve of the OP's actions either. No offense to him I just don't like this on many levels. If the OP is dying and needs something from the donor that is one thing. That can be accomplished while keeping the donors identity private however. Has the OP even considered the donor may not want his info given out and he does not want to meet the OP? Has the OP considered maybe the donor is married now and if the wife found out it would be a problem for the donor? Has the OP considered anything other than what he wants? This isn't a dead beat dad. This is a donor who deserves to remain anonymous. Most donors do not wish to meet the kids. Kind of the point. They donate anonymously to help those who can't conceive on their own or maybe it is for money. Either way I am pretty sure they do it with the expectation they are not contacted by the kid. If the OP insists on pursuing this I would ask at the fertility clinic if the donor requested to remain anonymous. If so drop this ASAP. JMHO.
 
Last edited:

Al

Joined
Jun 8, 2002
Messages
19,340
Location
Elizabethtown, Pa
But again.some of us are interested in guns, cars, sports, Science, oils, collecting bottles, physical fitness. I have lots of interests and genealogy is one of them. Been interested in it since childhood: Where did my ancestors come from? When did they come to the U.S? What did they do? What did they do before they came here? Their ethnicity is what I am. Its interesting bc, in general, my ancestors back at least 6 generations were very hard working people (German). They came from Swiss/Germany and left bc they knew they could do better than they could in the cesspool where they lived. And they did. I have many of those genes and both the strengths and weaknesses of them. But I see myself as a product of some pretty good genes. My point is that knowing who your dad is would make some difference in possibly picking up more facts. The good news though is that even without knowing, you can get a feel for where the majority of your genes come from. And...as more do it..its gets better and better.
 
Joined
Oct 16, 2010
Messages
2,304
Location
california
I have a Surgeon neighbor who was a sperm donor, and did not tell his wife until after they were married, and she is not happy about it. Next time I see him I'll ask how he'd feel about any sperm donor offspring trying to find him, when his wife is not around. On my father's side there is good documentation going back to the mid 1400's, Scandinavian with some french and german thrown in. My mother claims mostly Russian ancestry. I would be more interested to find out via genetics more of her ancestry, but perhaps not happy with the results. Who knows. I do enjoy watching the genealogy shows on PBS.
 

john_pifer

Thread starter
Joined
Jul 8, 2012
Messages
4,270
Location
Nashville, TN via Memphis
Originally Posted By: dlayman
Originally Posted By: Al
Originally Posted By: dlayman
I've seen many of these endeavors undertaken. It almost never ends well. It's disrespectful to the REAL father, and can cause lots of problems with and for other family members. I would drop this immediately. Little to no benefit, lots of risk of pain.
You are generalising. An insecure father might have problems with it. An enlightened one who understands will have no problems.
Yes, I am generalizing, but basing it on what I've seen happen. I was very close to someone who was adopted. Her parents were very loving and supportive, not the least insecure. They never said anything about the person seeking out the birthparents, but it was obvious they were hurt. I must be the odd one out. I would have zero interest in doing this. Like ancestry.com. Of no interest at all.
Again, my Dad who raised me passed in 2002. And my mom is very supportive. We're "science people" - she is a microbiologist who also teaches human genetics, and I get a lot of my natural curiosity from her. So she completely understands my curiosity. She is not bothered by my curiosity or threatened by it in the least.
Originally Posted By: Triple_Se7en
I agree...... zero interest in pursuing this! Let me add..... My father walked out the front door of our home when I was eight years old - moved out of state - never returned - never called - never paid child support to five remaining kids. When I moved out and married at 20 years-old, I had zero interest in finding / pursuing him. I'm from the school that says should the dad abandon me as a young, tender age and break the entire family up into three households of remaining relatives, then I will abandon him likewise as an adult.
Thanks for your chiming in, but, with all due respect, your comment is an emotional anecdote that has nothing in common with my situation at all. I am sorry to hear about that your dad made that choice, though. His loss, I'm sure.
Originally Posted By: NHHEMI
I will chime in and say I don't approve of the OP's actions either. No offense to him I just don't like this on many levels. If the OP is dying and needs something from the donor that is one thing. That can be accomplished while keeping the donors identity private however. Has the OP even considered the donor may not want his info given out and he does not want to meet the OP? Has the OP considered maybe the donor is married now and if the wife found out it would be a problem for the donor? Has the OP considered anything other than what he wants? This isn't a dead beat dad. This is a donor who deserves to remain anonymous. Most donors do not wish to meet the kids. Kind of the point. They donate anonymously to help those who can't conceive on their own or maybe it is for money. Either way I am pretty sure they do it with the expectation they are not contacted by the kid. If the OP insists on pursuing this I would ask at the fertility clinic if the donor requested to remain anonymous. If so drop this ASAP. JMHO.
Did you read my original post? This was done back in the late '70s when there was little to no regulation and oversight of fertility treatment procedures/AI. The doctor has been dead for 4 years and long retired before that. His practice is closed. There is no record of the donor (that I know of). Again, I'll repeat, all I know is what I was told by my Mom, and she was repeating what the doc told her, which is that the donor was a resident physician at a hospital in Memphis at the time. As far as whether or not he would like to be contacted, a lot changes in 37 years. I can see a young guy in his mid-20s donating sperm in sort of an amused way, thinking it would be kinda neat. Maybe it's some sort of ego trip for him. There's no telling. Personally, I'm very curious, and, if I'd donated sperm, curiosity would get the best of me eventually. I'd want to know if there had been any successful pregnancies achieved through my donations. I'd like to think he's as curious as I am. Furthermore, I have to think that we share some traits and interests, and that we could share a relationship, based on common intellectual interests and recreational interests. I have to think - he's gotta be wondering what ever came of those donations. The fertility doc had a son who is now also in practice as an OB/GYN. That will probably be one of my next steps - to contact him. Also, to try to obtain a yearbook or other records of University of Tennessee College of Medicine students and residents at that time.
Originally Posted By: wrcsixeight
I have a Surgeon neighbor who was a sperm donor, and did not tell his wife until after they were married, and she is not happy about it. Next time I see him I'll ask how he'd feel about any sperm donor offspring trying to find him, when his wife is not around. On my father's side there is good documentation going back to the mid 1400's, Scandinavian with some french and german thrown in. My mother claims mostly Russian ancestry. I would be more interested to find out via genetics more of her ancestry, but perhaps not happy with the results. Who knows. I do enjoy watching the genealogy shows on PBS.
I eagerly await to hear what he says! Personally, I would absolutely tell my wife if I'd ever been a sperm donor...but, then again, I'm a very open person (obviously). smile Please also ask him why his wife is not happy about it. I don't understand that.
 
Joined
Dec 30, 2006
Messages
25,873
Location
Dallas,Tx USA
I'm totally with you OP. Life passes us by so fast. I'd hate to be at the end of my lifespan wondering "what if",knowing I allowed too much time to pass not being able too meet him. It'd be a huge regret. I think it's a "void" that you need to fill,and I wish you the best of luck. Please keep us updated!
 
Joined
Oct 20, 2005
Messages
6,977
Location
Scruffy City
I'll go out on a limb and say the biggest reason she isn't happy is that he kept it from her, but I feel quite sure that the thought that every time the phone rings or there is a knock at the door it could be someone claiming to be a son or daughter is a component of her unhappiness with this revelation.
 

john_pifer

Thread starter
Joined
Jul 8, 2012
Messages
4,270
Location
Nashville, TN via Memphis
Originally Posted By: DuckRyder
I'll go out on a limb and say the biggest reason she isn't happy is that he kept it from her, but I feel quite sure that the thought that every time the phone rings or there is a knock at the door it could be someone claiming to be a son or daughter is a component of her unhappiness with this revelation.
LOL...that last part of your statement made me laugh smile
 

Al

Joined
Jun 8, 2002
Messages
19,340
Location
Elizabethtown, Pa
Originally Posted By: john_pifer
Lotta you old guys have inhaled too many oil fumes, I think. Lighten up! 😜
lol this!
 
Joined
Jul 7, 2007
Messages
6,931
Location
NH
Originally Posted By: john_pifer
Originally Posted By: NHHEMI
I will chime in and say I don't approve of the OP's actions either. No offense to him I just don't like this on many levels. If the OP is dying and needs something from the donor that is one thing. That can be accomplished while keeping the donors identity private however. Has the OP even considered the donor may not want his info given out and he does not want to meet the OP? Has the OP considered maybe the donor is married now and if the wife found out it would be a problem for the donor? Has the OP considered anything other than what he wants? This isn't a dead beat dad. This is a donor who deserves to remain anonymous. Most donors do not wish to meet the kids. Kind of the point. They donate anonymously to help those who can't conceive on their own or maybe it is for money. Either way I am pretty sure they do it with the expectation they are not contacted by the kid. If the OP insists on pursuing this I would ask at the fertility clinic if the donor requested to remain anonymous. If so drop this ASAP. JMHO.
Did you read my original post? This was done back in the late '70s when there was little to no regulation and oversight of fertility treatment procedures/AI. The doctor has been dead for 4 years and long retired before that. His practice is closed. There is no record of the donor (that I know of). Again, I'll repeat, all I know is what I was told by my Mom, and she was repeating what the doc told her, which is that the donor was a resident physician at a hospital in Memphis at the time. As far as whether or not he would like to be contacted, a lot changes in 37 years. I can see a young guy in his mid-20s donating sperm in sort of an amused way, thinking it would be kinda neat. Maybe it's some sort of ego trip for him. There's no telling. Personally, I'm very curious, and, if I'd donated sperm, curiosity would get the best of me eventually. I'd want to know if there had been any successful pregnancies achieved through my donations. I'd like to think he's as curious as I am. Furthermore, I have to think that we share some traits and interests, and that we could share a relationship, based on common intellectual interests and recreational interests. I have to think - he's gotta be wondering what ever came of those donations. The fertility doc had a son who is now also in practice as an OB/GYN. That will probably be one of my next steps - to contact him. Also, to try to obtain a yearbook or other records of University of Tennessee College of Medicine students and residents at that time.
I read some of it but good lord it went on and on. Sorry, but I totally think you are being selfish in this. It is all about what you want and what you think. You give no thought or concern I can see to the can of worms you might open for the donor nor do you seem to care about whether he wants to see you. You may want certain things but I do not find it right that you push this. If the donor wanted to see you and know about you I am sure he would have tried to find you. I think all your what if's are fantasy. This isn't someone who got your Mom pregnant and then moved on before you were born and this isn't an adoption where maybe the Dad wasn't even aware you were born or there was a messy divorce and he lost you that way. This is artificial via a donor. A donor I would wager dollars to donuts never intended to see, know about, or talk to any off spring that came about as a result of the donation. I hope for your sake if you keep selfishly pushing this that you don't cause problems for the donor. I would be furious if you showed up. Despite your rose colored glasses view of things I will bet you the overwhelming vast majority of donors do not want to hear from any offspring. From what I see you had a great Mom and a man who acted as your Dad and treated you like his own son. No need to go looking for someone who masturbated into a container. Don't be too upset if you do find out who it was and they want nothing to do with you and/or you cause a lot of problems for the donor with his wife/family. I am sorry and don't mean to be a jerk but I can't stress enough how wrong what you are doing is IMO. Not that you care of course but you did post here so I am simply giving my opinion.
 
Joined
Jul 7, 2007
Messages
6,931
Location
NH
Originally Posted By: Quattro Pete
I'm not finding it funny.
Me either and it is clear by the OP's lowbrow joke that he gives no thought to this very real possibility if he keeps pushing. It is a HUGE deal for a married couple to find out one of them has other children they didn't know about and/or that they donated sperm/eggs. It is especially upsetting to the wife. To them it is almost like cheating.
 
Joined
Sep 12, 2004
Messages
24,364
Location
Central Florida
Originally Posted By: NHHEMI
Originally Posted By: Quattro Pete
I'm not finding it funny.
Me either and it is clear by the OP's lowbrow joke that he gives no thought to this very real possibility if he keeps pushing. It is a HUGE deal for a married couple to find out one of them has other children they didn't know about and/or that they donated sperm/eggs. It is especially upsetting to the wife. To them it is almost like cheating.
NHHEMI, I agree with you 100%. What I would like to know is why didn't she get pregnant the 'traditional' way ?
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top