Well done @UncleDave . And an excellent post.
You outline a plan that many people could follow. Tough but fair.
Age to cut the kids off.
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You outline a plan that many people could follow. Tough but fair.
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This is a vicious cycle with my next door neighbor whom we love. Widower and her husband was good to me the 17 years he lived next door to me. I don't know what causes it. Last time we were over this year, her granddaughter had an ankle bracelet (tracking device)--neighbor said she was stupid and brought a package to her bf who's in the county prison, and it contained contraband. When I say cycle, this means that all of her own kids, my age, have had kids, who had kids. She has money and her grandkids have actually stolen some while staying over. Was she a bad parent? Not from what I can tell, meaning she could be my mom and we live in suburbia. Stories she told me of her kids growing up are not vastly different than what I remember. Maybe my parents were stricter but that's about it. My opinion is maybe she shouldn't have grandkids live with her when they have these issues. But although she lives frugally, as many my parents' generation did/do, she has the means to support the grandkids and does.
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I agree. the only part I don't agree with is the money and the tracking. I can't necessarily put my finger on it but I just don't feel it should be a part of it. With family it's give and take freely without strings. My dad did not ask me for money, ever, BUT, I was obligated to live by their household rules my entire life, including summers through age 22. Come to think of it, we stayed at my parents' house at least 2 holidays, slept there, and were unmarried. If this were college it wouldn't fly, but we were full blown working adults (2006-2008). But again, I agree with most of the principles that were laid out.
The only thing I would add to @UncleDave 's plan is that the parents need to stick together. Many young people will be quite good at playing one parent off against the other.
So discuss the approach beforehand, agree on what you're going to do, then do it. They'll thank you for it - eventually.
So discuss the approach beforehand, agree on what you're going to do, then do it. They'll thank you for it - eventually.
LOL! Some of the stories I hear about crooks and what not are unbelievable. When my cousins toddler was much younger the child had a seizure and passed out.
Cousin sent a txt to the father through the court app( that's how they must communicate as he is just stupid). His response was something like " I can't afford her hospital bill and if you take her there I will kill you".
He actually sent that through the court app where everything is recorded.
Cousin took that to court and the court immediately put out a restraining order which he immediately violated( with a police report as proof). Now he's in all sorts of trouble.
I don't know if it's just plain stupidity or pure arrogance.
JHZR2
Staff member
There are lots of folks who shouldn’t procreate…
Mrs. UD and I were aligned on this approach of slowly "souring the milk".
Once out of school and after a full summer of play, obligations to the house to carry at least some weight even if minimal started.
Us both working all day while non working, non schooling, non job searching, adult children lounge in the pool and jacuzzi sunning all day while raiding the kitchen, generating laundry, consuming toiletries and playing games in the living room all night has a finite time on it.
Were they doing anything "wrong"? Not at all. There was no incentive for them to want to leave though.
Neither the Mrs. or I run a resort, and its time for the burden to shift to them from us.
These kids got it all back in spades If they paid a dollar they got 2 or 3 in form of move in gifts, cash to help with the down, repainting, remodeling bathrooms, and purchasing all new appliances to get them going in life.
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When did it become a parents duty to finance their adult children through college? I’m reading some of the posts in this thread and it seems to almost be the expectation.
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He has another newborn with another girl now. So far we have not heard from him on this xmas day. If he doesn't want to use the app he has my #.... Nothing. No txt asking for a pic of his daughter opening up her first present by her self or anything.
Yep....sad. Raising a bunch of leaches that think others should always pay their way for them. And some people wonder why those with college debt expect that our government (tax payers) should pay it off.
Our daughter had a small inheritance. She lived at home and the inheritance paid for tuition, books and spending money for the first 3 years of a 4 year degree. We moved away and she completed that first degree living on her own, on student loans.
There were no reasonable jobs for someone with a BA in anthropology and film studies, so she did a second degree in communications at another university. This 2 year practical program (on top of a 4 year basic degree) was completed on more student loans. Her studies involved applying communication technology and performing on film/video, radio, television, etc. With that unlikely sounding combination she has found a career right up her alley and after some initial lean years now has a very good (six figure) job.
When she finished her second degree we said "lets pay off those student loans" and we matched her dollar for dollar. It didn't take long. She would proudly tell you she paid for her own education and that's pretty much true. And by paying the costs herself she was careful with her money and nothing (or at least not much) was spent on frivolity.
That plan worked for us.
JHZR2
Staff member
Nobody said it was a parents duty. But as someone who received such an opportunity, and has turned it into millions of dollars of income, I’m eternally grateful.
Frankly it would do many parents, and kids, well if the parents taught their kids frugality and helped them out, instead of just enabling a circle of bad decisions. But when the parents have no clue, the kids won’t either.
JHZR2
Staff member
that’s great! It’s crazy though to see how many kids paid for cars, weddings, goofing off, etc. on student loans. And these weren’t 18yos with useless degrees either.
Responsibility is taught too… it is more likely to be employed when the money is coming out of your pocket, but it’s not always if folks are prone to borrowing excessively.
We must have read a different 7 page thread.
That's not how the federal student loan program is structured. Those loans are already budgeted and paid for. I don't know why you think college graduates aren't tax payers.
What do you mean by this statement? Are you saying Uncle Sam budgets to pay for student loans that are subsequently forgiven and for ones where the borrower goes into default?
It doesn't sound like your situation as a young man became a problem for your parents and it sounds like you had a plan. I did too. I stayed around a while and executed my plan out of the house with a little bit of help.
Lots of kids like you (and I) just don't need interventions. Many parents however need help.
Do you have kids you raised and that left the nest (or not) at some point ?
There are plenty of ways for parents to get the results they are looking for and I would never claim our way was the best, or only way.
Working closely with mom and communicating clearly with the boys while being fair and firm worked for us.
Our end result was successful for the boys, and us as parents.
Some parents cant fathom putting any responsibilities on their adult children with no plan. Many of these parents end up writing posts, talking to friends, and asking others about how to "cut their kids off" out of frustration with a problem that is difficult to solve.
Best Sir!
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I'm grateful that somehow we instilled in our kids a strong work ethic, and that we are fortunate to live in a land of opportunity, in which they can succeed. They are young, and living on their own with their own families. I couldn't be more proud.
Yesterday at my sister and BIL's place, we were there to hear the discussion between my oldest (31 years old) niece and her mom (my sister) and dad. My oldest niece has been married for 9+ years, and they have three kids. Back in 2019, my sister and BIL bought them a house. Free and clear. This last summer they sold that house and pocketed the money, as it had appreciated considerably in the last 5+ years. The niece, her husband, and three kids have been living with my sister and BIL since then.
Yesterday, the niece was asking her parents when they are going to buy them another, much fancier house that they have their eye on. They said they'd go look at it this week. Now the niece and her husband work, but they would never be able to afford the lifestyle they're living at their current fairly-new-to-the-workforce income level.
My sister and BIL asked us yesterday how the wife and I managed to not have to support our adult children financially, and I just said you already know the answer...
Do I think my sister and BIL will ever cut off the gravy train for my niece, her husband, and kids? unlikely. Does it matter? if my sister and BIL die tomorrow, the kids will have a nice inheritance to live on. So I guess that they are unlikely to ever let go of the teat, doesn't matter. Unless they ever develop any pride in providing for themselves...
My sister and BIL do have three other kids who are also married with their own families, but they are not nearly as dependent on mommy and daddy.
Yesterday at my sister and BIL's place, we were there to hear the discussion between my oldest (31 years old) niece and her mom (my sister) and dad. My oldest niece has been married for 9+ years, and they have three kids. Back in 2019, my sister and BIL bought them a house. Free and clear. This last summer they sold that house and pocketed the money, as it had appreciated considerably in the last 5+ years. The niece, her husband, and three kids have been living with my sister and BIL since then.
Yesterday, the niece was asking her parents when they are going to buy them another, much fancier house that they have their eye on. They said they'd go look at it this week. Now the niece and her husband work, but they would never be able to afford the lifestyle they're living at their current fairly-new-to-the-workforce income level.
My sister and BIL asked us yesterday how the wife and I managed to not have to support our adult children financially, and I just said you already know the answer...
Do I think my sister and BIL will ever cut off the gravy train for my niece, her husband, and kids? unlikely. Does it matter? if my sister and BIL die tomorrow, the kids will have a nice inheritance to live on. So I guess that they are unlikely to ever let go of the teat, doesn't matter. Unless they ever develop any pride in providing for themselves...
My sister and BIL do have three other kids who are also married with their own families, but they are not nearly as dependent on mommy and daddy.
We helped with down payments for 3 of our kids ($70K each) and $0 for wedding.
4th child leaves the Air Force in 2026 so another down payment needed.
Luckily they didn’t have any student loans.
Weddings are NOT important, buying a house is important.
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