Set clear goals and expectations on the way to “cutting” them off. It’s the parents fault as much as kids with unclear or unenforced expectations and goals….
Age to cut the kids off.
- Thread starter burbguy82
- Start date
What's funny is the average detached parent will read this and it will reinforce cutting off or abandoning their offspring. After all, they sent them to public school. What else should they have to do?
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You sure about that? In TN, at least, that doesn't apply to parent-child housing arrangements. Parents are legally able to give a kid the boot anytime past 18. The cops will even come assist if they refuse with no court proceedings required.
This probably varies state to state. The eviction process is as you mentioned for all other living arrangements, though. Anything over 30 days' residence requires the court's involvement of they won't leave willingly.
19 years old, unless going away to college. Even then support is contingent on scholastic performance and making good life choices. DUI's, frat house drinking, arrests etc.
I told both of my kids as long as they lived with me they would follow my rules regardless of age. Daughter was gone at 18 and son joined the military at 19. Worked out fine, both got their college degrees and good jobs. But if they have had a fall of some sort, I would have lifted them up. They knew that.
Let me sum this thread up with "carrot and stick." Methodology differs in execution between educationists, pedagogues, and first-rate drillmasters. Success may not be due to the method but despite it. I know quite a few very capable, reliable and successful people that come from a terrible background.
My son lost his mom at age 12. He started going to college at 16 and finished university at 22 while interning at a firm as there was a slowdown due to the pandemic. He has lived in Japan since spring '24. Just a few weeks ago we met up and spent ten days in a sunny place surfing and catching up. He'll be 24 next year. I'm pretty sure he's gong to drop a bomb on me regarding the girl that he brought along this time. No gingerbread for them.
My son lost his mom at age 12. He started going to college at 16 and finished university at 22 while interning at a firm as there was a slowdown due to the pandemic. He has lived in Japan since spring '24. Just a few weeks ago we met up and spent ten days in a sunny place surfing and catching up. He'll be 24 next year. I'm pretty sure he's gong to drop a bomb on me regarding the girl that he brought along this time. No gingerbread for them.
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I still support my kids a little. They are+/- 30. I helped them with down-payments on their houses. I throw them some money occasionally. They appear grateful. They know my annual bonus exceeds their annual salaries but they're not greedy. They're good kids. There was a lot of drama with their mother and some guilt about that on my part.
dbias,
Tell your trucker son to keep up the good job, long haul truckers keep the nation rolling.
They shut down for 48 hours the entire USA grinds to a halt.
JoeDirt141,
What career field are you studying for ?
alarmguy,
Great info.
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"happy wife happy life" does not apply. It is a stupid saying come to think on it. It will be a challenge.
I agree.
No one is beyond repair, but sometimes there are beyond repair to us humans, or out of the "willingness mode" to say lightly. My "willingness mode" is about 10%.
Not really, basic stuff
I think it is 20/400
he was on his way to associates, but quit.
Agree with this but would add the architect part should start prior to college. It’s too big of a decision not to.
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@burbguy82 If they are old enough to push out of a moving car . . .
JTK
$100 Site Donor 2025
Yes, because unfortunately I've been down this road some living in the PR of NY.
You can send your young adult child packing, but if they get picked up by law enforcement, want to come back or want to pursue it legally, they're going to get shipped right back to their home address.
If you get into a physical altercation with them, they can sue you, and likewise of course.
10-4
Ultimately you have to speak to him privately and encourage him to find something in the meantime while he has all this free time. Its perfectly OK to work entry level type jobs.
I mentioned associates degree cause a few companies have paid apprenticeships that lead to a full time job that he can support himself and move out with girlfriend. The company I work for pays $24-25 hr for apprenticeship, then hires full time ($5 raise) with very good training opportunities / paid training / OTJ experience.
Sorry if I called him a leach and bum in my previous post. I know his behavior can cause friction with your wife if she doesn’t push her bird out of the nest.
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In my time, I suppose it was strictly 18, however, it was ok to come home and stay during summers off from college. I looked forward to going home, especially Thanksgiving where I would see all my buddies, and for some odd reason, it was like high school. Go out to the bar, and try to hook up with girls that we went to high school with--I was successful 1/4 years (if you look back to 4 years in undergrad--seems we no longer got together the same way once grad school).
Have times changed, I think so? When I was in grad school I got a roommate 32 y.o. and he left home for the first time, I thought man this guy doesn't know how to do anything, not even laundry. He's never paid for his own car nor apartment.
When I see kids today, parents buying them a car at 16, and a good one at that, one that they like and approve of, the tens of thousands of dollars of sporting equipment, fees, tutoring, private school tuition, imho there's no turning back. I don't think there is any age at which it would be reasonable to cut kids off. How could there be? Are we looking to raise panda bears and turn them loose in the real world ill-equipped? To me, things have to add up or pass muster or make sense. Prep school is anywhere from $25-$70k. The ones where I grew up are 70k. How can a parent possibly send a kid there, and then cut them off? That just doesn't make any sense to me. Now, I have never considered prep schools and feel public schools are "good enough."
I'm not atypical of someone from my time. My parents didn't pay for my college, I had work and obtain loans and grants and scholarships. I was gone at 18. Grad school was paid 100% by my employer. I had to figure things out for myself. I'm just not so sure this method works today. I have a 60 y.o. friend who lives with his mom, divorced. Has lived with his mom since his divorce. When it comes to ice hockey, I told him stories about my son's progression. He said to me, "Maybe you shouldn't live your life too much through Noah." I thought, well, I don't think a 10 y.o. can figure all this stuff out on his own (what league should he sign up for, what's his prognosis for playing travel vs. school, what gear to get that we can afford, etc. etc.--maybe I underestimate 10 y.o.). But I felt coming from someone who has never worked a real job and is 60 y.o. living at home with his mom, I kinda was taken aback. Then I thought, many parents today are raising their kids to be just like him. 60 years old--living at home. That's not normal imho, but is the norm maybe.
What age? in 2024 that is a question that can't be answered. Remember--there are many domesticated panda bears out there--if turned out to the wild, chances of survival may not be very good. Gun to my head, 18. But I don't think it's necessarily doable today. The end.
Have times changed, I think so? When I was in grad school I got a roommate 32 y.o. and he left home for the first time, I thought man this guy doesn't know how to do anything, not even laundry. He's never paid for his own car nor apartment.
When I see kids today, parents buying them a car at 16, and a good one at that, one that they like and approve of, the tens of thousands of dollars of sporting equipment, fees, tutoring, private school tuition, imho there's no turning back. I don't think there is any age at which it would be reasonable to cut kids off. How could there be? Are we looking to raise panda bears and turn them loose in the real world ill-equipped? To me, things have to add up or pass muster or make sense. Prep school is anywhere from $25-$70k. The ones where I grew up are 70k. How can a parent possibly send a kid there, and then cut them off? That just doesn't make any sense to me. Now, I have never considered prep schools and feel public schools are "good enough."
I'm not atypical of someone from my time. My parents didn't pay for my college, I had work and obtain loans and grants and scholarships. I was gone at 18. Grad school was paid 100% by my employer. I had to figure things out for myself. I'm just not so sure this method works today. I have a 60 y.o. friend who lives with his mom, divorced. Has lived with his mom since his divorce. When it comes to ice hockey, I told him stories about my son's progression. He said to me, "Maybe you shouldn't live your life too much through Noah." I thought, well, I don't think a 10 y.o. can figure all this stuff out on his own (what league should he sign up for, what's his prognosis for playing travel vs. school, what gear to get that we can afford, etc. etc.--maybe I underestimate 10 y.o.). But I felt coming from someone who has never worked a real job and is 60 y.o. living at home with his mom, I kinda was taken aback. Then I thought, many parents today are raising their kids to be just like him. 60 years old--living at home. That's not normal imho, but is the norm maybe.
What age? in 2024 that is a question that can't be answered. Remember--there are many domesticated panda bears out there--if turned out to the wild, chances of survival may not be very good. Gun to my head, 18. But I don't think it's necessarily doable today. The end.
Kestas
Staff member
I was lucky to have good parents. They foot the bill for college, and I made the most of it. After graduation, I got a job and they let me stay home while I accumulated my wealth. All that time, I took care of their house with yard care and handyman duties. Plus, they never had to take their cars to a shop to get them fixed with me around. It was a win-win. They were good to me, I was good to them. I left home buying a wonderful starter home where I lived 25 years before moving up.
that is how it is supposed to be.
Agreed. In my own case, my parents got me through college, though I took out loans as the interest rate was advantageous.
The promise was that Dad would pay them off when they came due.
I lived at home for two months after college graduation, waiting to start Aviation Officer Candidate School in August.
I did not sit around, though, I worked at a junkyard to put away a bit of cash. It was great. Stripped a couple of cars a day. Saw the attraction of that magical Snap-On truck that stopped by the shop weekly.
Off I went to AOCS, fully self sufficient and on my way.
Sadly, Dad died at a young age, just a few years later. Not wanting to burden Mom, I paid off those loans after the military deferment had expired.
By then, I was a young fighter pilot living in Virginia Beach, and was about to buy my first home, which I had to put off until I settled the loans, but still, on my own either way.
We promised our kids the same deal: you go to college, we will find a way to pay for it. Then you’re on your own.
All six kids graduated college without debt. It took tremendous effort on our parts. My wife and I each worked two jobs, leveraged our respective GI bills, borrowed against my 401(k), scrimped, saved, everything we could do to honor that promise.
Totally worth it.
Fascinating thread that has developed well after we heard the OP's extenuating circumstances. This is one BITOG trait that goes back decades: good people come out of the woodwork to sincerely show care and offer tips based on personal experience, setting aside judgement because there is no rule book for life. What is "supposed to be" vs. reality are often far apart.
John105 piqued my interest with his excellent post ending with "But I don't think it's necessarily doable today." Man, those of us chest thumping just a tiny bit (won't share mine) need to take John105's comment to heart. Today's challenges are unlike what many of us lived through, but there are common themes of responsibility, integrity, etc. being recommended.
So, @burbguy82, with all of these opinions, what are you thinking?
John105 piqued my interest with his excellent post ending with "But I don't think it's necessarily doable today." Man, those of us chest thumping just a tiny bit (won't share mine) need to take John105's comment to heart. Today's challenges are unlike what many of us lived through, but there are common themes of responsibility, integrity, etc. being recommended.
So, @burbguy82, with all of these opinions, what are you thinking?
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