Probably wise. Very wise. Ima gonna edit my post.
Age to cut the kids off.
- Thread starter burbguy82
- Start date
So be it.
Agree with you @wwillson. Our youngest graduated last week and we told him we will continue to pay for his expenses until March. He starts working mid January so that should allow him to get a little cash saved up.
Of course we told him and he knows we aren’t going to let him fail miserably but a little struggling and difficult decisions are part of life. He’s $14,000 in debt after a 4 year marketing degree. $10,000 of which he owes to us. We wanted our kids to have some debt to help learn and make school serious.
Our kids have had way more support than my wife and I had leaving home after high school! That said it is a balance.
@burbguy82 our rule is simple. After high school you can live here cost free if you are doing post secondary education or saving money for a house. Otherwise you will be paying rent.
Just my $0.02
Thanks for this generous reply.
I very much agree with all of your points.
Yes two kids, one is fine and productive and the other a slug. I thing I think is heredity. Daughter is like her mother, and son is like his father. A real piece of work who...............you guessed it, at 50, still has his mom drive him around.
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dnewton3
Staff member
That sounds ominous ... as if there's an implication of an "all in or all out" approach?
I have no kids/want no kids so my views will be different versus a parent but my family is going through a similar thing....Let's just say I believe in:
If they don't pull their weight then I'm not helping. Let them live on the streets.
As my dad told us lots of times, if you want to act like an animal then you can go live outside with the animals.
If they don't pull their weight then I'm not helping. Let them live on the streets.
As my dad told us lots of times, if you want to act like an animal then you can go live outside with the animals.
I’ve read through your original post, all of the subsequent replies, comments, and your amplifying posts. I am dad to three, and stepdad to three. All the principles of parenting remain the same, but the relationship is different when you are the stepdad.
I think I agree with the majority of posters, that it isn’t an age, per se, at which you “cut them off”.
Your question is much more about how you move a person from their selfish, lazy tendencies into adulthood in which they want to take care of themselves. Not really a chronological thing, not even a financial thing really, but more a how do you, as a parent, step parent, in this particular case, transform this kid into a positive productive member of society.
All three of my stepchildren are married, they have graduate degrees, and two of them have their own children. We have not “cut them off” - that happened naturally as they grew up and moved into responsibility.
We do still provide support for my youngest, who is 24, and in her second year of medical school pursuing an MD/PhD. I pay for her car insurance, a car, her cell phone, and I help her a bit with rent. She receives a monthly stipend from the institution where she is studying, and that meets almost all of her expenses. In that sense, she is very much on her own. She does not need our support, but the car affords her a balance and quality of life while she goes through a grueling eight year program. She uses the car to get out on the weekends and go ski, hike, etc. so in that sense, I’m not really supporting her basic needs, but I’m providing a bit more than she would be able to afford on her own.
I did the same for her older sister in medical school, and I didn’t “cut her off“ completely until she was about 30.
This is where balance and fairness comes in, my wife and I recently looked at that postgraduate support provided to the two girls, and decided that, even though none of the kids needed it, we would simply write a check, well, a series of checks, to level up the degree of support we had provided their siblings while in school. What’s interesting is that the other kids objected to the gift saying “we don’t need it“.
All that to say, that we do provide support past the age at which most of the other folks have suggested you should cut someone off. However, we have been successful with transitioning the kids into responsible adults.
So, it’s not the age per se.
I think the issue is one of setting boundaries. Of setting expectations. Firm but fair, unyielding in your resolve. It’s just like watching a master sergeant with the young soldier who grew up with out boundaries in his own home. That kid is gonna need some. And the firm but fair hand of an experienced adult.
I’m not suggesting that you’ve done anything wrong. You’ve been dealt a difficult hand to play.
But think back to your experiences with the young men that showed up in the army as immature children, and how the army, as an institution shaped them. Those young men were given guidance, boundaries, and structure. Held accountable. There were consequences to short falls in expectations.
Think about the actions and example of the senior leaders that you saw help shape those immature young men into the responsible adults and soldiers that they are today. I think that’s your best bet for how to approach this problem. Clear expectations. Clear boundaries. Clear consequences. Firm, but fair. Your wife has to be on board with this too, or it’s gonna be extraordinarily challenging.
I wish you the best of luck.
I think I agree with the majority of posters, that it isn’t an age, per se, at which you “cut them off”.
Your question is much more about how you move a person from their selfish, lazy tendencies into adulthood in which they want to take care of themselves. Not really a chronological thing, not even a financial thing really, but more a how do you, as a parent, step parent, in this particular case, transform this kid into a positive productive member of society.
All three of my stepchildren are married, they have graduate degrees, and two of them have their own children. We have not “cut them off” - that happened naturally as they grew up and moved into responsibility.
We do still provide support for my youngest, who is 24, and in her second year of medical school pursuing an MD/PhD. I pay for her car insurance, a car, her cell phone, and I help her a bit with rent. She receives a monthly stipend from the institution where she is studying, and that meets almost all of her expenses. In that sense, she is very much on her own. She does not need our support, but the car affords her a balance and quality of life while she goes through a grueling eight year program. She uses the car to get out on the weekends and go ski, hike, etc. so in that sense, I’m not really supporting her basic needs, but I’m providing a bit more than she would be able to afford on her own.
I did the same for her older sister in medical school, and I didn’t “cut her off“ completely until she was about 30.
This is where balance and fairness comes in, my wife and I recently looked at that postgraduate support provided to the two girls, and decided that, even though none of the kids needed it, we would simply write a check, well, a series of checks, to level up the degree of support we had provided their siblings while in school. What’s interesting is that the other kids objected to the gift saying “we don’t need it“.
All that to say, that we do provide support past the age at which most of the other folks have suggested you should cut someone off. However, we have been successful with transitioning the kids into responsible adults.
So, it’s not the age per se.
I think the issue is one of setting boundaries. Of setting expectations. Firm but fair, unyielding in your resolve. It’s just like watching a master sergeant with the young soldier who grew up with out boundaries in his own home. That kid is gonna need some. And the firm but fair hand of an experienced adult.
I’m not suggesting that you’ve done anything wrong. You’ve been dealt a difficult hand to play.
But think back to your experiences with the young men that showed up in the army as immature children, and how the army, as an institution shaped them. Those young men were given guidance, boundaries, and structure. Held accountable. There were consequences to short falls in expectations.
Think about the actions and example of the senior leaders that you saw help shape those immature young men into the responsible adults and soldiers that they are today. I think that’s your best bet for how to approach this problem. Clear expectations. Clear boundaries. Clear consequences. Firm, but fair. Your wife has to be on board with this too, or it’s gonna be extraordinarily challenging.
I wish you the best of luck.
Already high on my long list of reasons not to have kids.
That you know of* LOL
What's the job market like in your town? In your town, no commuting required. Saying "get into a trade" is tough because tradespeople drive everywhere, unless you have a mobile home factory or something. And it's hard getting into an entry level position not driving because there are already a couple non-drivers (OUI) at every business that the boss has to figure out what to do with.
Dude could work as an Ed Tech at a school. CNA at a nursing home. Grocery store. Subway. He needs help with his imagination.
I agree with the "soft start" philosophies that have worked with others. It's hard starting out on your own with no savings, trying to rent or buy a place while setting up life and many stumble a little. OPs kid has had plenty of "soft" already though and hasn't taken the hint.
Dude could work as an Ed Tech at a school. CNA at a nursing home. Grocery store. Subway. He needs help with his imagination.
I agree with the "soft start" philosophies that have worked with others. It's hard starting out on your own with no savings, trying to rent or buy a place while setting up life and many stumble a little. OPs kid has had plenty of "soft" already though and hasn't taken the hint.
One thing about kid "failures" vs mechanical failures, the kids can come back as the best things in your life. I can speak from experience.
No human is irretrievable!
No human is irretrievable!
I’m sorry, but I really have to disagree. The most rewarding moments in my life, the ones that I cherish the most, are the ones that revolve around my six children. Seeing their successes, seeing who they’ve turned out to be, spending time with them, that’s what’s really important.
I’ve got to do some really cool stuff in my life, and I wouldn’t trade my life for anything else. But my life would be empty without those six kids, and now, their spouses, and their children.
4WD
$50 site donor 2025
Yep, this will be our first Christmas at my son’s house - there will be little faces lighting up brighter than the tree
Kids are awesome, but like anything in life, don’t expect a smooth ride all the way, there will be bumps and other challenges along the way.
dnewton3
Staff member
Speaking strictly to an earthly viewpoint, I would disagree. I agree that MOST humans are able to reform themselves if they put effort into it. But not all, as your statement would imply.
There are some who, despite all efforts, resist good efforts and end up essentially worthless, and potentially doing evil. Some folks will drink themselves to death, no matter how many times they run the program. Some will forever be slugs and would walk away from a well-paying just because they just can't seem to put the effort into it. Some folks can't muster enough intelligence to survive the streets. The list goes on and on ... I've seen it first hand more times than I'd want to recall. I worked as a detective for a few years in sex crimes; some of those folks are undoubtedly past any hope.
Not to say that this hard line exists for burbguy82's problem; the child he speaks of is probably not "evil", but just lazy. There's a distinct difference.
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I've been going through this myself, with my son, and trying to figure out how to motivate him to do more--long before his age, I was out doing my own thing. I don't think I have paid less attention to him than I got? as one of the gen X latchkey kids, I think I ignored him like I was... that's not insult to anyone, it's just the way it was, got kicked outside to play or there was simply no one home and I was on my own. Only thing is, I guess I didn't have a computer or any iDevices until college.
Sometimes I think entertainment is a drug, which is to include music, TV, games... especially computer games. Anything that alters our behavior is a drug of some sort, right? Having to listen to music in order to accomplish some task, having to get the TV on at the right time so as to not miss a game or show (think back to before DVR's let alone streaming)... might not be heroin but you get the idea. Some of it's benign (listening to music while working is a bit like one's morning coffee) and others worse.
My son is disabled and is special case as a result, so tough love only goes so far. He has moments where I think it starts to shine through, and he's just simply a few years behind. Then again the world is a bit different now and that does change things a bit. No simple answers.
Sometimes I think entertainment is a drug, which is to include music, TV, games... especially computer games. Anything that alters our behavior is a drug of some sort, right? Having to listen to music in order to accomplish some task, having to get the TV on at the right time so as to not miss a game or show (think back to before DVR's let alone streaming)... might not be heroin but you get the idea. Some of it's benign (listening to music while working is a bit like one's morning coffee) and others worse.
My son is disabled and is special case as a result, so tough love only goes so far. He has moments where I think it starts to shine through, and he's just simply a few years behind. Then again the world is a bit different now and that does change things a bit. No simple answers.
He and my wife, and to a lesser degree my daughter have a hereditary disease, with a long name. It effects the optic nerve, and to date is not treatable. The issue is not with the eye.
Open to ideas.
If you are not doing it, consider charging rent, not a crazy amount but just enough to send the message and further adult steps could be taken. It doesnt sound like is happening now, but its a decent start.
I have 3 kids in their mid teens, 1 will likely be dependent on us for life which we accept. We are going to try and let them stay in the house and rent it to them (just enough to cover utilities and property tax) while they go through college and the wife and I will relocate to land somewhat nearby. We'll know in a few years if that is realistic.
Good luck with your situation.
I have 3 kids in their mid teens, 1 will likely be dependent on us for life which we accept. We are going to try and let them stay in the house and rent it to them (just enough to cover utilities and property tax) while they go through college and the wife and I will relocate to land somewhat nearby. We'll know in a few years if that is realistic.
Good luck with your situation.
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