Please help....TEENAGER!

[Dan4510]

First of all, by the very nature of things, step fathers are behind the 8 ball. You will never have the authority over him you would if he was yours.

Second, it seems you dont any longer have much control over his behavior. And this is the time when you should need the least control if the values you teach him have tken root. We forget that most teenagers dont cause trouble, its the ones that do that are paid attention to in our society.

Third, If the biological father does not step in, you have a double problem. You will be fighting a losing battle on all sides.

Fourth, Decide what it is you need to do to win and take the action. Sounds like you need to stand up and be a man for this boy, rather allowing the sorry imitations that society holds forth as heros to be his model.

Dan

 

[andrews]

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Where does 'Snooping' fit in there?

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Any parent, of a teen, would be foolish to think that it is wrong to periodically "snoop" into his/her kids things. Many negative behaviors can be found out about from only doing just that. He's a minor, not an adult, an he is under my watchfull and guiding eyes.

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Porn, Drugs, inapproprate sex are all out there, you can't hide from them, you have to just learn to see them for what they are.

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Who's advocated "hiding" from them? I'm facing them dead on.

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I saw my friends grow up in religious, strict, middle class and upper middle class homes only to turn out wild as h***.

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Actually, our son chose to be a Christian. He likes it. Please stop the steroetypical assumption that he's "repressed".

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Fourth, Decide what it is you need to do to win and take the action. Sounds like you need to stand up and be a man for this boy, rather allowing the sorry imitations that society holds forth as heros to be his model.

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Thanks Dan, good advice.

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so what is my text invisible or somthing?

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No crypto, I just don't have the time to educate you on my religious beliefs. Look it up my friend.

 

[MarkC]

I don't envy you this one, Andrews.
All these guys have given you pretty good advice.
Gotta be firm, but not too hard, loving, but not a pushover.
Realistically, kids will do what they want, and if pushed, they may want it more.
My only advice is to pray about it a lot, and listen for the answer.

 

[Dave Hess]

Andrew,

Boys will be boys. His hormones are kicking in and there is nothing wrong with snuggling with his girlfriend. Don't get mad at me for saying this....but he is probably sexually active.

Kids grow up alot faster today than 20 years ago. In 2 years he will be 18 and on his own and can do what he wants. If he plans on staying at your house after he graduates high school, tell him he must obey the rules of 'YOUR' house !!! No drinking alcohol, porn, smoking, having his girlfriend / buddies over when you are not home, drugs, .....etc.

If doesn't like it , he could pack his bags, move out and have his own apartment.

I agree 100% with RobTaggs. Being raised in a very religious family, doesn't guarantee they will turn out to be an angel. As long as you don't catch him wearing women clothes, watching child porn or asking you to take him to the Neverland Ranch......he will turn out just fine.

[ March 17, 2005, 08:36 PM: Message edited by: LT4 Vette ]

 

[moribundman]

Why do people in this society trust their kids so little? How can a person be expected to grow up without making his or her own decisions, without learning from mistakes? It's not like reaching finally legal age will give them heavenly inspiration of what's right and what's wrong. It's funny in this country, how kids are supposed to stay kids until they are of legal age. Leading by example and talking are the only ways that I know worked on me. And if the kid is only necking at 16, then both his daddies and his mom should praise their luck.

 

[Spitty]

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Porn, Drugs, inapproprate sex are all out there, you can't hide from them, you have to just learn to see them for what they are. [/QB]

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I was not suggesting 'you' were hiding, I was saying that your son WILL be exposed to these things in the years to come, and that HE should be tought to see them for what they are.
Andrews, my friend, you come accross as very opinionated, you seek only the advice you want to hear, I hope this SMALL incident with your son will blow over and that he continues to grow into an honest, God fearing man, if he does decide to question your decisions I hope you can meet him with reason as well as rules and discipline.

 

[GROUCHO MARX]

Andrews, I have been following this thread with a lot of interest.

When you mentioned that you can't get this young man to flush a toilet, it piqued my interest as a red flag.

There's seems to be some sort of anti-social behavior that I've noted with public toilets. Whizzing all over toilet seats and not flushing seem to be some sort of "Tag"

If your young man is doing this at home, I would be concerned.

My father used to tell me, "Show me your friends and I'll tell you who you are." You may want to know more about them.

My only advice is to act calmly. You can always resort to screaming. I do think you have great reason to be paying close attention.

A prayer for you and your wife and I hope all works out well.

 

[moribundman]

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When you mentioned that you can't get this young man to flush a toilet, it piqued my interest as a red flag.

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"Go back to reform school, you little nose-picker."
-W.C. Fields

 

[andrews]

A big thanks to all who have submitted opinions....yes, even the ones I didn't "choose"(spitty). What would anybody else do, believe that all opinions are equal? Of course I chose what best reflected my own views....but I did read all of them guys. While I may not agree with all of you folks here, most of you have been very kind and well meaning. Thanks.
I'll let you know soon what I did and how it gets resolved.

 

[Shannow]

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Originally posted by andrews:
Thanks Nova,
But please understand this, the only "repressive" thing about this household is the basic ideals of honesty, integrity, respect, and decency.

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andrews, if he's been reading BITOG, he may have chosen you as a role model for respect, particularly when it comes to respecting people with different views to his own.

I wish you and your son the best, and hope that his rebelious phase ends soon, and without any long term liabilites (of any sort).

God bless.

 

[andrews]

Thank you....I think?

 

[Spitty]

I wish you all the best Andrews.
This is where I come from:
When my Mother died I was 13, and for the first time I got to spend time with my Father who had been a policeman, he took over parenting in a typically authoritarian role, I went along with this for a few years, proberbly out of fear, and the feeling I had no choice. Come my mid teens I began to rebel, I began to see that my father was not the perfect, forthright person he lead me to belive (Who is perfect?) and being a teen I despised him as a Fool, It was many, many years befor we could again see eye-to-eye, Life for me might have been easier if he had been someone I could have consulted with adult problems, rather than hide them away to avoid his scorn.
Now, as an adult, I see he acted the way he did out of love, and that at the time he handled things the only way he knew how.
May your God be with you.

 

[Not the Autorx Frank]

Its important for you and your wife to show a united front so to speak. Make sure he understands that there will be no divide and conquer. Personally, I would strip his room of everything except a bed and 5 sets of clothing. He would then earn back his privacy over a long period of time. The key like a lot here said is to do whatever you are going to in a cool and calm manner. The rebellion comes from the tone of the intervention, not the content. Spend as much time as possible with him. Maybe a fishing trip or somethin? Explain that he is tampering with his ability to become intimate for the rest of his life. Serious stuff.

God Bless,

 

[Schmoe]

Hmmmmm....after reading some more comments....seems like your in a pickle. I had 5 step mothers while growing up, and unless Dad backed them up, I just pretty much blew them off. One thing is for sure, better have your wife on board and in total agreement with you when you enforce your idea of punishment. Your going to need backup on this one. Another thing, taking all the stuff away won't solve anything. He'll just find it elsewhere. As you know and unfortunently, that kind of stuff is easily obtainable. I'm sitting here thinking how I'd react if I was your son....I'd probably go along the lines of... so what? I'm just looking at them, what's the big deal?
I'm going to tell you something that a friend of my wives daughter (high school) told her....it is now expected that by the second date, that the girl is expected to allow oral sex. I was totally shocked. But look how these high school chicks are wearing....I call them Little Brittney's. This stuff is right in their faces everyday. Have you ever watched MTV lately? This is what your up against, and it, unfortunently seems to be the norm. How do you think I'm feeling? I have a 16 month old daughter and I'm already worried to death. I sure would love to hear how things progress with you and your son. Please, please keep us informed. Inquiring minds really want to know.

 

[Gary Allan]

You're in a pickle. Push too hard ..he'll rebel ..too light ..you're passively endorsing the behavior by default.

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Porno is HIGHLY destructive to our society. It messed me up badly.

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If you've communicated this to him. He already has seen in living proof that one can taste of the forbidden fruit ..and come out unscathed ..or at least functional. You can't say that you "walked the walk". You didn't obstain ..yet you demand that he does. Not that your role as a parent is a democracy or necessarily "fair" in your dictatorial position of responsiblity.


Guilt is the gift that keeps on giving.

I never used this with my children ..but it was effective with me. My parents just lived a life of "proper" behavior. They followed the rules as best they could ..accepted life's short comings and disappointments and instilled the sense that "we don't do this" ..even if it meant our "losing" so to speak.

I wasn't able to employ this technique with my children as much as I wish that I could have ..but I didn't do too bad with the totalitarian rule of simply saying that I would make the proper way of doing things the "easier" of the two choices. This is when I HAD to actively discourage a behavior. Other than that I just said that if they ever embarassed me and showed the world that I was a negligent parent ..that the host of discaplines that would befall them would make their socially inappropriate behavior very expensive. It worked well for the most part.

You're probably well served with just making consequences very apparent to him. The discovery of pornography is a symptom of his lack of responsiblity with a "liberty" that you grant him. His inappropriate behavior with his girlfriend is an unfavorable behavior that, if you are intent on modifying, must have consequences attached to its discovery. That is, "well, you've shown that you can't handle these liberties (that I've granted you) in a responsible manner. The consequences are that you will have no privacy with your girlfriend for a time" type thing.

You may fail in this aspect of formation ..but you can't always measure success on an absolute scale. It's more of a polarity thing with a line in the middle ..you attempt to push in the right direction ..knowing that no human can ever truly reach the purity of being without flaw.

Although it took a few years of some mistakes from my son (all relatively minor), one statement finally hit home with him when we discussed one of his mistakes that I had forwarned him about. I said, in all sincerity and compassion, that there is no one aside from GOD that loves him more and that I only want the absolute best life that one can have on earth.

Be consistant and unwavering ...firm ..loving but firm.

 

[Jon]

The only advice I can give is this.

I had a friend that became lost to porn. He got kicked out of school, lost his jobs, and very rapidly spiraled out of control. He got a girl pregnant (she claimed she was on the pill). That was 5 years ago. I saw him recently - he's doing OK now but he had a hugely bright future ahead and, well, now it's gone.

That story won't do any good. MY approach would be to try to convey to him just how *harmful* porn is to the psychological and physical well being of the people producing it. By far and wide, they DON'T enjoy doing it, and it's harmful to those viewing as well as watching. I know that my opinion is a minority opinion but I feel it's true all the same.

Best of luck.

 

[andrews]

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May your God be with you.

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Thank you spitty. I hope he is.

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The rebellion comes from the tone of the intervention, not the content.

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Frank, interesting point of view. I think you may have something there. And about the privacy thing....I did consider taking his bedroom door off. One more incident involving poor behavior in his room, and I will.

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... so what? I'm just looking at them, what's the big deal?

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This was his initial reaction....good call schmoe.

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....it is now expected that by the second date, that the girl is expected to allow oral sex.

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Yikes! I hope that's not the case. One good thing, however, is that he's not circumsized (his bio-dads decision), and he is shy about that part of his anatomy.

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If you've communicated this to him. He already has seen in living proof that one can taste of the forbidden fruit ..and come out unscathed ..or at least functional. You can't say that you "walked the walk". You didn't obstain ..yet you demand that he does. Not that your role as a parent is a democracy or necessarily "fair" in your dictatorial position of responsiblity.

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Gary, I understand what you are saying, but my son was acting like I couldn't possibly have a clue about porn and how bad it is.....because I'm "so old and out of it". So, this is why I went out on a limb and used myself as an example. He understands, from conversation, that I did not in fact come out "unscathed". The discussion is too personal for me to elaborate, but he got my point.

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That is, "well, you've shown that you can't handle these liberties (that I've granted you) in a responsible manner. The consequences are that you will have no privacy with your girlfriend for a time" type thing.

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Very well said. I am going to do just that. Thanks for the input.
Later today, when I have more time, I will post to all those concerned, how things went after a talk my wife and I had with him last night.
Thanks again.

 

[andrews]

Jon,
No my friend, you are correct, and being in the "minority" only shows the guts you have in expressing your views. Porn caused me harm beyond what most people would imagine. Guilt, pain, self esteem, treatment of females, and various other consequences.....not to mention my relationship with God.
I respect your opinion, thanks.

 

[loudist]

Do you have any relatives that have infants?
Have him babysit the infant for 3 hours a day or night for a solid month so he can experience the result and responsability of having sex.

As for the porn, ask around the abused womens shelters/groups if they (the abused women) would graphically express the objective sexual treatment they received from porn infected husbands/boyfriends, and the effect it has had on the womens lives. Do this at least 3 times.
If he has the knowlege of sex that you say, balance his knowledge out with the dark consequences and responsabilities that come from such objectification of females.

Show him the dark side possabilities of his curiosity, through visceral experience.

While you are taking him to the horrors of abuse, also take him to the very best and healthy examples of loving and respectful relationships, more examples than than the one at home.
This way he can see the possabilities/consequences and come to his own decision. Which is what is desireable.
You must remember that he is in 'experiences' mode. Driving fast, takeing chances, sense of invinceability, **** the consequences. This is normal and hormonally driven, not intellectually driven. More knowledge isn't going to be very effective.
Experiences are the main input at this time in his life.

As for your 'liberal minded goof' comment, it glimpses your intolerance and blanket generalities of others not like your belief system, and that might be a flaw in your armor that your stepson is picking up and not respecting, therefore not respecting you.
Food for thought.

With all that said, there have been many many boys who have had premarital sex and viewed porn who have grown up to be normal loving men.
Very few porn viewers with teenaged sex experiences turn out to be evil or damaged people.
Keep perspective.

[ March 18, 2005, 12:20 PM: Message edited by: loudist ]

 

[keith]

I'm not looking forward to my children reaching their teens. Hopefully they observe how my wife and I live and have the character to make good judgements. It's just not possible to babysit them every minute, and if they go to public schools, they are likely exposed to a lot of filth. Our town school set a particular 7th grade book reading assignment and the book contains a graphic description of violent rape / sodomy! Not appropriate for 13 year olds in my opinion, but I guess I'm just not "enlightened" enough for my liberal friends on the BoE and the PTA. If you have ever watched MTV or listened to the depraved rap trash, or got your sex (that's not sex!) education from a former President, it's not hard to see why our kids are making bad decisions.

Our oldest daughter is strong willed and driven and I don't see any problems for her. On the other hand, our son likes to please people and that gets him into bad situations. We are trying hard to turn this around before he gets to the age where problems become big problems.

Good luck with your son. It doesn't sound like he is hooked on porn, but just passing time. Behavioral psychologists will advice to replace one habit with another, so get the kid hooked on fishing, playing guitar, fixing cars, athletics, church youth group, or any other healthy adolescent pursuit. Of course, he also needs a part time JOB and welcome to the real world!

Sexual urges are a normal part of growing up, but needn't consume the kid. From what you say and the concern you show, just have good communication with the kid and try to get him motivated to a different direction. I've seen too many kids drift into trouble, and that comes from first hand experience.