How do you deal with a alcoholic relative?

[53' Stude]

Hello folks. My aunt is a alcoholic. Had been since I can remember. Chronic heavy smoker also. My moms sister; we basically have cut all ties with her. She was downright embarrassing, stupid drunk thanksgiving week. I visit her still but don’t drink with her. She says she’s in a grief loss group as my uncle passed away in 2010.

 

[Eddie]

Have a family sit-down with her or have a AA members call on her. Worked for me 20+ years ago but, it took several visits of an AA group doing an intervention doing a 12step call. Ed

 

[vavavroom]

Hello folks. My aunt is a alcoholic. Had been since I can remember. Chronic heavy smoker also. My moms sister; we basically have cut all ties with her. She was downright embarrassing, stupid drunk thanksgiving week. I visit her still but don’t drink with her. She says she’s in a grief loss group as my uncle passed away in 2010.

Addicts can only be helped if they want to help themselves. Then assist them as well as you can. Interventions and proactive help are all good and fine as long as the addict wants help. Nobody can get anybody else off donuts, drugs, and risky behavior. Since this self-destructive behavior has been going all your life I doubt your aunt wants help. If she won't help herself for her own sake she won't do it for your sake. I fear she will be your drunken aunt until the end.

 

[53' Stude]

Addicts can only be helped if they want to help themselves. Then assist them as well as you can. Interventions and proactive help are all good and fine as long as the addict wants help. Since this self-destructive behavior has been going all your life I doubt your aunt wants thelp. I fear she will be your drunken aunt until the end.

Yeah, it’s just sad. At least she doesn’t drive much

 

[vavavroom]

Yeah, it’s just sad. At least she doesn’t drive much

That's another dilemma. Knowing she's driving while incapacitated, what do you do? Make yourself the bad guy by finking on her or let her drive until she cripples or wipes out someone else or herself and you will also be the bad guy? You'd think her doctor is aware of her drinking and having a DL.

 

[53' Stude]

Can’t answer that. As stated all of us rarely talk to her.

When she was down at parents thanksgiving week; she didn’t drive anywhere. Her friend brought her out to family that week

 

[fsdork]

This is probably a better question for an addictions counselor/psychiatrist/other qualified person. My family wasn't able to help my alcoholic aunt, who ultimately lost the battle and dramatically aged my grandparents in the process. If someone is bent on being self-destructive, I don't know if there's really any way to convince them otherwise.

 

[Motu]

My wife's 3 step brothers were alcoholics, the oldest and longest on the booze has been clean for years, but still a real PIA, and haven't seen him for a few years. The other 2 we just let die - they were both found in their armchairs several days after the event. The latest didn't even get a funeral, his step mother wasn't going to pay for it, so pauper cremation. We did have a get together a couple of weeks later...which was pretty good...without him.

 

[Kira]

I say the following with complete respect for the OP's position.

They say the average alcoholic takes 20 people down with him.
I repeat that first as I've been through this several times.

The enabler thing is real and the "hitting bottom" the patient has to do is often prolonged and repeated.

Recovering alcoholics are, in my experience. particularly blunt and forceful in their speech.
Since we can't speak so abruptly I suggest simply acting decisively once you've determined a course of action is likely your best route.

After describing the waste and impact these selfish, selectively forgetful dog's-dirt drunks had on my family, a friendly shrink told me to go to an ALANON meeting. These are for family members of alcoholics.

I didn't but wish I had. Just a little familiarity with the vocabulary of this complex issue would've helped. More people's input would've been good too.

It's years later now and many of the clowns (I can say that because they were relatives) are dead.

Think in terms of sabotaging her car. Ohhh, she needs it for work. That's OK. I was too busy working to go to an ALANON meeting.

 

[Donald]

I am not sure you as a nephew would have enough pull. But your mother might. AA is one option that works for many people if they stick with it. Inpatient rehab followed by outpatient is another option. There are probably some AA people who would bring her to meetings.

However recovery is for those who want it, not those who need it.

It can often take many attempts at sobriety.

You mom could go to Al-Anon to get a better understanding of how best to help.

 

[MONKEYMAN]

That is a tough one. So many good replies so far. Two thoughts for her. Therapy or AA. Grief can destroy your life. My father was in the front lines of Korea as a teenager and I mostly remember him drunk. Killed himself when I was 16. Part of my healing was working at a 80 bed month treatment center in my 20's. After 5 years I saw a lot of repeat customers. The only people I saw succeed had hit bottom or were ready to get better. The ones that were just forced into treatment by family, employer, court order not so much. Al-Anon, Adult Children of Alcoholics, and therapy helped me heal. So for you or family members that are struggling one of the programs or therapy may be helpful. If people do not enable her she may have to face the pain and ask for help.

 

[Leo99]

You can't change them. Change has to come from within. You can tell them that if and when they want to get sober you will support them but until then there will be no support.

 

[spasm3]

Hello folks. My aunt is a alcoholic. Had been since I can remember. Chronic heavy smoker also. My moms sister; we basically have cut all ties with her. She was downright embarrassing, stupid drunk thanksgiving week. I visit her still but don’t drink with her. She says she’s in a grief loss group as my uncle passed away in 2010.

You don't deal with them. They have to want to help themselves. Some never want to change. Main thing is, not to enable them.
You can tell them you love them, but don't want to see them in this condition.
Don't be manipulated or quilted.

 

[Bottom_Feeder]

Hello folks. My aunt is a alcoholic. Had been since I can remember. Chronic heavy smoker also. My moms sister; we basically have cut all ties with her. She was downright embarrassing, stupid drunk thanksgiving week. I visit her still but don’t drink with her. She says she’s in a grief loss group as my uncle passed away in 2010.

Doesn't sound like you have.

Some people don't deserve and aren't worth the energy you waste on them. Harsh but true.

 

[JeffKeryk]

AA is not for people who need it.
AA is not for people who want it.
AA is for people who work it.

Ditto Al-Anon. The Medical community teaches us alcoholism is a family (and friends) disease.
I have been given a daily reprieve from the bonds of alcoholism.

 

[nickaluch]

My wife's family drunk nephew we don't invite or deal with anymore. But it came to a head when on Christmas Eve I finally had enough and lost my mind. Physically threw him out of the house and then flipped out on my wife's family for not putting a end to this freak show every holiday. Since then I haven't spent a holiday with him he's not invited but the rest come. My advice write her off before she brings you down

 

[mjk1967]

Hello folks. My aunt is a alcoholic. Had been since I can remember. Chronic heavy smoker also. My moms sister; we basically have cut all ties with her. She was downright embarrassing, stupid drunk thanksgiving week. I visit her still but don’t drink with her. She says she’s in a grief loss group as my uncle passed away in 2010.

Been through that, when my father passed away suddenly in 1998 at 54. A sibling dabbled in everything that could be ingested or smoked, as part of the 'grieving process'. What ended this person's dependency? Unfortunately, it was 18 months behind bars....

 

[SammyChevelleTypeS3]

Hello folks. My aunt is a alcoholic. Had been since I can remember. Chronic heavy smoker also. My moms sister; we basically have cut all ties with her. She was downright embarrassing, stupid drunk thanksgiving week. I visit her still but don’t drink with her. She says she’s in a grief loss group as my uncle passed away in 2010.

It is very hard to deal with. God bless you + good luck. Lots of times an older soul caught up in that can relate to and take inspiration from a younger person they tend to trust. Praying for them can not hurt as they will need every ounce of any extra boost to win the battle. Each situation & person is a totally different challenge that can be won in time.

 

[Dave Hess]

Hopefully she gets help but at her age she might not want to live longer if she’s depressed.

 

[64bawagon]

One of the first things they teach rescue swimmers is to not let the person drowning drag them under. Same applies in these situations. Protect yourself, the likelyhood that anything you do will make a difference is slim at best.