Fear of having children - serious discussion

Joined
Mar 24, 2013
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153
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Milano (Italy)
Hi everyone, I would like to share with you this thought of mine....

Life is beautiful because you don't grow progressively; life is beautiful because you change and your ideas change. It changes your approach to life.

I am 35 years old, and the other day I stopped to think.
When I was a student in college, the goal was to attend, not to waste time and pass exams. Meanwhile, I found a girlfriend with whom I currently live with. Then I started to work, it took quite some time but now I have a good place. The same goes for my girlfriend. All this took away all the years after graduation.

I always said I did not want children, and my girlfriend never expressed any opposite desires. However, evidently, in life you say a lot of nonsense until things affect you.

I want to say that I stopped to think and realized that continuing to say I don't want children is a *********. Reasoning about what it entails and the idea of seeing myself in 10 to 20 years alone with my company planning yet another vacation honestly made me feel bitter in my mouth.

Unfortunately, neither I nor my company can live off our income, so we have to work and we are also good at what we do. The question arises though, but who do we work for? For whom do I work? for whom do I earn? for whom do I save? for whom do I invest? For my brother's children? For the grandchildren I never even see? mah....

I know very well that everyone is the master of his life and is free to do what he wants, work a life and then donate everything, but this is not my ideal.

I realized that in life I don't want to be a mouse, the one who lives, works and doesn't even know why. Work costs me effort, I have always been a big saver and investment enthusiast, however, at some point it is consistent to ask why this is so.

I realize that this is not the best reasoning for wanting a child and that becoming a parent changes your life; but the truth is that I am very scared of it, I myself only a year ago never would have thought of writing these words, however I realize that following my reasoning, this is how it has to be. Of course, I talked about it with my partner.

In short, I wanted to share my thoughts with you, I'm sure someone has already been through this and maybe can tell me what they think or give me some advice.
 
Being a parent is tough, if you are shy about the experience then always put a cover on your eggplant parmesan before you cook else you'might be cookin' for three.


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Could what you are saying be summarized by, "What is my purpose if I don't have children?".

Working hard to raise children is a great purpose. You don't have to have children to have purpose.

What is your purpose now? Are you willing to change your purpose radically by having children?
 
The best two times in life is when you have kids and when they leave. Many suffer from the "empty nest syndrom"..we certainly did not. Life is great for us!!

I have two children one 50 and one 47. There were many hard times with my daughter divorce and subsequent alcohol/drug dependence. They took years off our lives. All ended well and I would not trade it for anything. I love my 8 Grandchildren. Your childrens problems will be your problems even when they are old.

But...we were extremely happy without kids and in an alternete universe whereby I would have no knowledge of my heirs.... I think we both would have had an amazing life without kids. We probably would have another house in paradise and live happily ever after.

Children and money issues (yes they are usually related) are two of the biggest causes for divorce/unhappiness. Sure divorce can happen. But is less messy without kids. Figure out exactly "why" you want kids and go from there. Use your own logic and realize those (probably on this board) that say kids are the greatest: Perhaps they can give you reasons that tell you it might be right for you.

Good luck.

wwillson brings up an excellent point.
 
Let's put it this way, in a very extreme way (I make it clear that this is not my case at all): you are a nice guy, you have a company you are doing well with, you both work, you are good at it, and you have managed to get a good position that allows you to live well and make plans and investments. You have a lower standard of living than your income.

Your brother, on the other hand, didn't want to study, works an underpaid job and gambles away all his wages at video poker, at the bar and maybe, he's never been caught, but you know he's not exactly a shoo-in-- ah and he got someone pregnant when he was very young.

Well, be aware that if you do not wish to donate everything to anyone, the one who will enjoy the fruits of your labor will be your brother's son who attends ITIS in the suburbs and loves fights.

In short, I gave an extreme example but the gist is the same....



I am very pragmatic, it is normal to ask these kinds of questions, especially now when it is time to think about it.

With my company it has been 12 years that we have been together and for 5 we have been living together, from the very beginning I had exposed my idea of not wanting children and she has always respected this desire of mine. I am fine with her and she is a great person. Being two guys with a good head on their shoulders, who have always worked, saved and managed economic choices well (thanks also to this forum).

I am the one who started the conversation with her, it all started with me telling her that we were making a mistake....


One evening I stayed and talked with my dad, I anticipated to him the fact that I was considering having a child; he replied that he never wanted to tell me anything because these are personal and the couple's choices, but that in his opinion I was making a mistake. Because, he told me, "you are both good and good people, I respect you very much and admire your goodness but, I say this in your interest, consider that everything you will do, all your plans ... it will be enjoyed by your grandchildren, whom you don't even see. Are you happy with that? They certainly are. Knowing you, I can't understand how he can, someone like you, be so ambitious, logical and not like the idea of having children."
Then he gave me examples of relatives who did not (or could not) have children who were seen by their siblings as the uncles, rich, *****, who, "wait for it shin..."
 
The truth is that I feel frightened by this thought. Scared why? Perhaps because I have never considered the idea of having children. I have always ignored the idea.

I have always acted very wisely and made plans for me, for my own satisfaction, because I love what I do, I love saving, I love investing....

But you get to a point where you understand that you are not immortal and everything has to have logic.

Everything has to make sense.

Investing just to have more and more borders on sickness.

That's why I'm afraid, because I've come to this on my own, because I've always thought it didn't affect me: and instead it seems to affect me. Because it is an important choice, perhaps the most important one way door.

I am here writing to seek confrontation, insight, advice.


Perhaps from my words it sounds like I have megagalactic activities and money dropped from nowhere that I don't know who to leave to. I don't. My speech is finer, much finer.

I had parents who always gave me good advice at times of debt and also supported me in choices they disagreed with. And I was a hothead. But they taught me a lot about how to work seriously and honestly, to save money and manage money well.
To put it bluntly and honestly (except that my parents are still alive and kicking) beyond economic value, they gave me know-how.

So I don't see it as a problem if my son wants to go to another continent, I will be happy for him, he will still be able to enjoy a minimum of security. If he is able he can use them to build an income; if, on the other hand, he is a ***** head and throws it all away, I can say I tried.


What I do is only driven by the love I put into it and to the satisfaction of myself and my company but on the other hand, if I don't try, I am sure that everything will end up in unwanted hands and surely lost. And I don't want that. It's the truth.
 
Everyone's situation is different. I have two kids and enjoy their company and am fortunate they both live within 5 miles. It sounds like you need to have a longer round table discussion with your wife. BITOG forum is not the best place to take advice about raising a family. Many would tell you to buy another stash of oil and some filters hahahaha.
 
Some of the kindest, most thoughtful and generous people I've known had no children.

There's so many ways to live a great life and be an excellent person, I wouldn't sweat the having kids thing.

Even before any of that you need to be certain you chose wisely in a spouse.

This is coming from a 52yr/old father of 4. I dunno if I'd do it again if offered the chance to do it over.
 
Time to speak to a therapist to guide you in the right direction and find your answers to these questions. The answers are there you have them already deep inside it's just bringing them out with clarity. They will help put you on the right path.
 
Everyone's situation is different. I have two kids and enjoy their company and am fortunate they both live within 5 miles. It sounds like you need to have a longer round table discussion with your wife. BITOG forum is not the best place to take advice about raising a family. Many would tell you to buy another stash of oil and some filters hahahaha.
Thank you, I believe that even in this forum, even if it is technical, there are very intelligent people. I wrote to share my thoughts with people on the other side of the world as well
 
"Life's a game that gets harder as you go." -- South Park

We all look for a certain amount of challenge. Not everyone seeks the same amount, but you seem to want more.
 
The fact that you are even asking yourself this question means you would likely be a good parent, as it is clear you put lots of thought into planning your life. I don't have any kids, but I grew up in a big family. I have 27 cousins, my dad was one of 7 kids. My grandparents' entire life is the family they have built.

I always thought I wanted kids eventually, and have many friends my age (early 30s) who have them. With that said, I still feel that I want them eventually, but also question what kind of world I would be bringing them into. You can still have an extremely positive impact on society without having kids, and if you are questioning whether you want to, you can always volunteer to work with kids. I still think having a positive impact on future generations is a life goal of many, but it certainly seems a lot more challenging everyday given the current environment of our society.
 
This is coming from a 52yr/old father of 4. I dunno if I'd do it again if offered the chance to do it over.
One of my coworkers was already a dad, elected to have another one while in his 50's. I don't think he has any regrets, although he has pondered a time or two what this means, when they head off to college and their "grandfather" comes to visit... Another coworker waited until nearly 40, no regrets, his finances are quite well off, and able to enjoy some financial freedom while raising his kids.

Thing is, for some people, waiting later in life to have kids is best. For others, not having is best. And personally, I don't believe that hindsight is 20/20, butterfly effect and all.

At my age (46) I sure do not want to have any more kids. If I had waited until now... it's impossible to say what I'd be thinking, maybe I'd be stress free and had all my ducks in a row--but I'm guessing, knowing now what I didn't then, I might not. [Oh to be young and dumb again!] For myself, I didn't want to wait too long, I kinda relished the idea of seeing a couple generations come along after me--in some way, I liked the thought of passing down more than just genes, but knowledge and wisdom (ha! boy did I have a high opinion of myself back then).

All the same. No regrets. Even though I just sat through an awkward student-teacher-parent conference which ended with the typical "pull your head out of your ___" discussion with said student.
 
My wife and I raised three kids. They were equally a joy and a pain in the ****. Loved it when they were young enough to be excited about going to a movie, or going camping, exploring new things, and a bunch of other fun things families do.
Their adults now, and we’re glad they are a part of our lives.
Learning to be a parent happens one day at a time, not all at once, and it’s a lot of fun along the way. Some frustration at times as well, but I’m thankful to my wife and for my family.
Who else would I have to groan at my terrible Dad jokes?
 
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The best two times in life is when you have kids and when they leave. Many suffer from the "empty nest syndrom"..we certainly did not. Life is great for us!!

I have two children one 50 and one 47. There were many hard times with my daughter divorce and subsequent alcohol/drug dependence. They took years off our lives. All ended well and I would not trade it for anything. I love my 8 Grandchildren. Your childrens problems will be your problems even when they are old.

But...we were extremely happy without kids and in an alternete universe whereby I would have no knowledge of my heirs.... I think we both would have had an amazing life without kids. We probably would have another house in paradise and live happily ever after.

Children and money issues (yes they are usually related) are two of the biggest causes for divorce/unhappiness. Sure divorce can happen. But is less messy without kids. Figure out exactly "why" you want kids and go from there. Use your own logic and realize those (probably on this board) that say kids are the greatest: Perhaps they can give you reasons that tell you it might be right for you.

Good luck.

wwillson brings up an excellent point.
I could not agree more with everthing you wrote. Wilson's words as well. Your first line describes us exactly.
 
Having kids is not for everyone and not the cure for anything. Having kids is a huge life changing event and to be honest, If I had to do it all over again, I probably wouldn't have any.

Having kids can be great but it can also be the most stressful part of life. You have no guarantee on how they will turn out. You have no guarantee that you won't get divorced and end up being a part time father.

I know plenty of people whose kids give them more grief than happiness even as adults. It really is a crap shoot on how things will turn out.

As far as leaving my kids anything financially, I don't feel obligated at all especially when I have one that has no motivation to better himself and just manages to get by in life.
 
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