Fear of having children - serious discussion

[RDY4WAR]

I was very apprehensive about having kids. Throughout my teenage years and into my 20s, I had this fear of having a child born with a major disability that required 24/7 care to keep them alive. I would never get to live the rest of my life.

I met a woman who had a 4 year old daughter. We hit it off really well. I found that I actually liked the idea of being a stepdad. That woman became my wife, and I adopted her daughter as my own.

Then, we had our own child when I was 29, my first and only biological child. We knew something wasn't right with her from the get-go as she wasn't reaching milestones and her overall temperament was different. That child is now about to be 5 years old with severe, non-verbal autism and major developmental delays. Mentally, she's a 1 year old. She requires 24/7 attention and care as she can do very little on her own. The chances of her living with us the rest of our lives, and never having that empty nest, are quite high. For me, it's my worst nightmare becoming a reality. I don't resent her, don't regret having her, lord knows I love her to death, but a lot of our plans for the future have definitely disappeared.

 

[Rmay635703]

"Life's a game that gets harder as you go." -- South Park

We all look for a certain amount of challenge. Not everyone seeks the same amount, but you seem to want more.

In the US
70% of men 18-35 are single, never married, no kids.

You are already in the “other” 30% based on your description

I myself have bad genes and have never seriously considered children but always had the if the right set of circumstances occur it could happen and would be fine.
College educated women have very few children.

So your situation is not unusual,
but you are learning something I’ve always known, you work for fun as chasing the brass ring is just a good way to use up your body with little reward . Careers, company building, wealth, stability, don’t usually hold much meaning as some would make you think.

If you truly want children for the right reasons, I can guarantee there is never an easy ideal time.
My parents were doing very well, so had me then both became permanently disabled making less than welfare rates for much of my life, everything still worked out but it wasn’t easy.

Children require sacrifices and a lot of hurt feelings to raise. Thankless job but full of possibilities and meaning.

Feeling lucky punk? Lots of folks have done it in a far worse set of conditions than yourself but don’t expect your current level of lifestyle if you do and that’s not always a bad thing.

Good Luck, and the obligatory you could be a foster family, a sponsor for an exchange student or do the “get involved “ or even get a dog options first.

If you don’t have time you would be amazed at how much your current schedule can be eroded to make it fit. Lol, always an adventure.

 

[SammyChevelleTypeS3]

We should start a forum like Chicken Soup for the Soul. We could call it Motor Oil for the ♥.

Lubricants of Life

 

[ecotourist]

Children (and grandchildren) are a mixed story. There is a lot of fun. You get to do things you would not have imagined doing (some of which you'll enjoy). You get to share in their successes, or you get to peak in at least. You get to see them grow up. And as our daughter became an adult, some of her friends became our friends. And it is nice to have young friends.

And you get to share in their hurt feelings, and the inevitable things that don't go so well.

Now that I'm an older guy, I can't imagine facing old age without having children and grandchildren. You couldn't buy having those wonderful young people around and having someone who is genuinely concerned about you.

My father was 45 when I was born. He was an old dad. My SIL was 45 when one of my grandchildren was born. He's a young dad. Calendar age doesn't have much to do with it.

 

[tbm5690]

Having kids can be great but it can also be the most stressful part of life. You have no guarantee on how they will turn out. You have no guarantee that you won't get divorced and end up being a part time father.

Of course we can't control our kids decisions, but we can train them in the right way and arm them with what they need to not stray from it as they grow. No guarantee perhaps, but a parent can lovingly set their child on a trajectory for good decisions. I know I'm an unfortunate outlier but I can guarantee you that I will never get divorced...I do however have to make a daily choice not to be a part-time father.

I know plenty of people whose kids give them more grief than happiness even as adults. It really is a crap shoot on how things will turn out.

This is sad and true. Complex issues and every case is different but were these kids really ever taught to respect their parents? And/or did the parents do their jobs as mentioned above?

 

[Vil_Riker]

Why would anyone consciously bring a new life to this horrible world? Spend all that energy raising them hoping that things don't go wrong in order to end up with kids whose ultimate decision will be which hell-hole nursing home to put you in?

 

[Vil_Riker]

If you decide to procreate, have more than one to have a spare in case things go horribly wrong.

 

[zzyzzx]

Unfortunately, neither I nor my company can live off our income, so we have to work and we are also good at what we do. The question arises though, but who do we work for? For whom do I work? for whom do I earn? for whom do I save? for whom do I invest? For my brother's children? For the grandchildren I never even see? mah....

You are working for yourself, so you can retire early and live in Caligulan Splendor. Even if that doesn't happen, nursing homes are extremely expensive.

I'd much rather spend time with my cats than some annoying human children.

 

[Capt W]

Why would anyone consciously bring a new life to this horrible world? Spend all that energy raising them hoping that things don't go wrong in order to end up with kids whose ultimate decision will be which hell-hole nursing home to put you in?

Sounds like you might benefit from spending a little energy looking for the abundant beauty and love in the world. It's there if you look!

 

[Graham Piccinini]

I'm turning 30 later this year. 2 kids. Wife was preaching that 2 is her absolute mental max, but not even 2.5 months after giving birth she is already talking about more kids. Even hoping for twins next...
Anyways - kids are a challenge, expensive and time consuming challenge. But looking back - we both would do it all over again. Except try to spend even more time with them and take it all in, every moment. Someone once said: "One day you will hold your child on your arms for the very last time, but you won't know until afterwards, and you WILL miss it." These kids are the best things that have ever happened to us. Their pure innocence and endless unconditional love makes it all worth it.
But I also have friends who are same age and have kids same age as ours, yet they would rather never have kids. The main difference here is that we try to put as much love and time into our kids as we can, while our friends don't spend much time actually raising the kids... They spend more time staring at phone screens and think that providing food, some park, and tons of TV/tablet time is all a kid needs... But kids need attention and love more than anything. As result their opinion of kids is vastly different from ours.
In summary - do not be afraid of having kids. Just make sure to put effort into building them up into the people you'd like them to be. And (many new parents don't realize this) kids do not exactly have common sense. Don't get angry when you encounter this. It is parents' responsibility to train that common sense.
Also, skipping on Discipline-&-Reward principles results in "annoying human children", that later become adults who are extremely self-entitled, disrespectful, and can't think far enough to see the consequences of their decisions.

 

[Capt W]

Of course, I talked about it with my partner.

This term "partner" is becoming uncomfortably ubiquitous these days. "Partners" eventually separate for new partnerships.

Have the serious conversation about children with your wife (whose title, along with that of husband, has a lifelong commitment when done properly).

Just lost my dad in November. He and my mom were wed 68 years and had five kids.

My wife and I have been married over 27 years and raised three kids, the youngest of which just turned 20. All kids are now on their own, so momma and I are about to move back south to write the next chapters of our lives.

I'm not preaching or advising anyone to do anything, but experience has shown time and time again that marriage as a lifelong commitment is an unbeatable foundation for the privilege of having children.

 

[Vil_Riker]

Sounds like you might benefit from spending a little energy looking for the abundant beauty and love in the world. It's there if you look!

Maybe... I work in healthcare and deal with misery every day.

 

[SC Maintenance]

You have no idea what responsibility actually means until you have children. There is utterly no way you can know. There is nothing harder or more stressful. There is also no undo button - so consider that carefully.

I never didn't want children, but when my wife told me we were having one my first thought was I AM NOT READY!

Until my first daughter was born. From that day on the entire universe revolves around her and her sister. I have changed jobs so I wouldn't be gone so much, moved so they could be in better schools and have better extra curricular opportunities, done without so they wouldn't, drove all night to not miss some event, etc, etc. Whatever it took. Wouldn't have it any other way.

There both in college now a couple hours away. There both doing well. They both come home just about every weekend, so I must have done something right.

Best of luck to you - whatever your choice.

 

[Pew]

I don't want kids either and I'm perfectly fine with that. In fact none of the kids from my parent's want any kids (my brother and I don't care for finding relationships either) and effectively stopping our specific bloodline at us. Growing up the way we did made us despise marriage and has affected our outlook on anything family-wise.

So then what's life's purpose? ENJOYMENT! Enjoy your life! Who cares if you don't have kids or a partner for it. The world is huge and there's so much to learn and experience. You can almost do whatever you want, when you want, without having to plan around school, athletics, yelling, crying, etc, that kids bring.

In the US
70% of men 18-35 are single, never married, no kids.

You are already in the “other” 30% based on your description

~20% of men have never been married but I would assume that percentage decreases with the "no kids" part.

 

[Rmay635703]

~20% of men have never been married but I would assume that percentage decreases with the "no kids" part.

That is looking at a very different slice,

It’s got to be exactly for the 18-35 age bracket including the caveats .

Per the last census it was 64% (used to pop up in a Google search) but that data is already outdated for the 18-35 year olds.

In the last year a very large number of “older college educated women “ became first time “geriatric mothers” (39+ bracket), frozen eggs and somesuch
The government is excited about that since college educated women pretty much have zero children normally
but it doesn’t generally apply to the 18-35 male bracket
(could have applied to me several times in my 20’s but that’s another matter)

 

[Jimmy_Russells]

My wife and I will not be having kids (early 40's). When we got married we weren't really sure. We then discussed it pretty heavily a few years later and decided we are happy with our lives, and didn't really want to make any major disruptions to that. Neither of us have a burning desire for them. My wife has two siblings, I have one, and none of us have any kids.

There will always be "what if" going through my mind, but it's not a regret, it's just a thought.

 

[GMFan]

Take a look back at photo albums of your family and your childhood. You may recall that certain periods of life were very challenging or downright rough, but photos and memories can remind you how many happy memories that are there. Having children is no different. You may have bad memories of sleepless nights or rocking your sick child to sleep, but there are so many amazing moments too. Life is meant for living and loving your family.

 

[WeyounDS9]

We are all biological organisms.
The purpose of a biological organism is to perpetuate it's DNA.
Nothing you ever did has any meaning, if you don't have children before you leave this world.

 

[Jimmy_Russells]

We are all biological organisms.
The purpose of a biological organism is to perpetuate it's DNA.
Nothing you ever did has any meaning, if you don't have children before you leave this world.

That seems a pretty basic view. So some person finds the cure for cancer but doesn't have any kids and their life didn't have meaning?

 

[Rmay635703]

We are all biological organisms.
The purpose of a biological organism is to perpetuate it's DNA.
Nothing you ever did has any meaning, if you don't have children before you leave this world.

1:50 explains Palmers purpose