Divorced Dad's, I need advice.

[pandus13]

Tough spot to be.

So, I think is best to take it small steps:
-KID FIRST!!! explain that mommy and daddy do not get along together anymore, but he will always be your one and only love. AND ACT LIKE IT!
-ex (TO BE) wife: finish divorce first!!! she has leverage until you sign papers. Keep the new friendship out and quiet. She should not have find out about it anyway...
-after divorce finished, move on with your life. Still remember, your wife has a lots of aces in her sleeve.

-Also, bad mouth or not, kids are not stupid....

My experience: I was in the shoes of your current flame kid....

 

[rubberchicken]

This calls for careful diplomacy. Raise it with your lawyer and see what he says. I have no idea about divorce law, so my only advice is "make sure there is no legal language or contract language with these limitations.".

 

[555]

 

[Al]

Originally Posted by 555

lol
Gebo hasit right and "And NEVER EVER NEVER say anything bad about her to anyone. Not just your son. Anyone..." What you are doing on this board

Like I said..look in a mirror. I am guessing you are not lilly white. Daughter and ex got divorced 10 years ago. Everything he said about her was untrue. What causes marriage is hormones. What causes divorce is hormones.

 

[Andrew1972]

Keep the possible relationship until your child is grown. You are stuck with her for the next 13years due to your son. She is hurting and upset. Your son and your relationship with her come first still despite getting divorced.

 

[BMWTurboDzl]

Originally Posted by Huie83
I've been a member of the forums for many years and you all seem like a well rounded group so I need to ask some input.

I decided to leave my wife of 6 years about 4 months ago for various reasons. I had been very disconnected form her for about the two previous years and just got fed up with her repeat issues. I let her know, packed up and got my own place. We have a 5 year old son together.

We're now working through the divorce papers and everything seems agreeable besides one issue. I unintentionally met someone about 30 days ago out of the blue and we hit it off. Things are going really good and I can see it being long term. The ex found out and of course is off her rocker about it, however it's really none of her concern even though she seems to think it is. Some may think it's too soon or " you're not divorced yet". I agree, however, I've been mentally checked out of my marriage for years so for me it's been a long time.....

She wants me to wait 2 years to introduce any woman into our 5 year old son's life. I think this is ridiculous as how do you build a real relationship with the new partner if half of your life (son) isn't involved? I suggested that *if* i wanted to introduce him to someone 6-9, maybe 12 months is more like it. And not as a mother figure, just as my partner to begin with until she can mesh into our life over time. The soon to be ex won't budge and insists that if I introduce him before 2 years she will make my life [censored], talk bad about my partner to my son etc.

So divorced Dad's that have moved on, how did you handle your ex and the new partner when it comes to kid introductions? Am I off my rocker to think 6 months to a year is enough time depending on how my kiddo feels about it and how he's doing with the split at that time?


As a child of divorced parents I never met any of the people my parents dated right up to the point where I met my soon-to-be stepmother/stepfather.

Do not [censored] off your ex. She understandably does not want another woman to undermine her decisions as a mother. Your son will end up taking the worst of it and he won't understand.

 

[Donald]

The best you can do is to assure ex you will not say bad things about her to your son and expect the same.

Divorce is a trying time. You will make it through it. So will your son.

Stay as involved in son's life as you can. He will figure it out.

 

[Huie83]

So many good insights, thank you everyone. I can't reply to everyone so I'll do my best to sum it up.

I would agree with the fact that this new relationship is moving along. But, I've had years to think and realize what I want in a partner, just so happens she fell in my lap when I least expected. I do realize that I need to take my time and make sure she is a good fit long term. I don't mean it to come off like " ooh i'm going to marry this chick tomorrow!". What I meant to say was that over the past few years of knowing I wanted to leave I made a check list of what I want in a partner, she happens to check all the boxes for me and so much more. I don't think it's a rebound, it's not about the intimacy, it's that we connect on every other level besides that.

I will take a step back and let things cool down for a while, I do believe she is just angry I've moved on so quick. That's expected though, I am the one who left her after all.. She's agreed to meet on Friday and finalize the papers so I can file them. She's agreed to leave anything about this out of them, it doesn't belong in them anyways.

As far as how I would feel if she introduced someone to our son. I honestly would leave that up to her. I can't control what she does and if she messes things up on her side, that's on her not me. I can only be there to support my son for my actions and guide him through her mistakes if he needs it. I'm not looking to introduce too soon, the more I think about it 9-12 months seems about right IF we get there. I think at that point you know if a relationship is going to work or not.

I would never bad mouth his mother to him, I'm a grown up and stay level headed. It's unfortunate she's not as mentally stable.