Divorced Dad's, I need advice.

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I've been a member of the forums for many years and you all seem like a well rounded group so I need to ask some input. I decided to leave my wife of 6 years about 4 months ago for various reasons. I had been very disconnected form her for about the two previous years and just got fed up with her repeat issues. I let her know, packed up and got my own place. We have a 5 year old son together. We're now working through the divorce papers and everything seems agreeable besides one issue. I unintentionally met someone about 30 days ago out of the blue and we hit it off. Things are going really good and I can see it being long term. The ex found out and of course is off her rocker about it, however it's really none of her concern even though she seems to think it is. Some may think it's too soon or " you're not divorced yet". I agree, however, I've been mentally checked out of my marriage for years so for me it's been a long time..... She wants me to wait 2 years to introduce any woman into our 5 year old son's life. I think this is ridiculous as how do you build a real relationship with the new partner if half of your life (son) isn't involved? I suggested that *if* i wanted to introduce him to someone 6-9, maybe 12 months is more like it. And not as a mother figure, just as my partner to begin with until she can mesh into our life over time. The soon to be ex won't budge and insists that if I introduce him before 2 years she will make my life [censored], talk bad about my partner to my son etc. So divorced Dad's that have moved on, how did you handle your ex and the new partner when it comes to kid introductions? Am I off my rocker to think 6 months to a year is enough time depending on how my kiddo feels about it and how he's doing with the split at that time?
 
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tell her to pound sand. you can and are aloud to parent anyway you see fit while it's your parenting time. period. kids are very resilient. explain to minor child that there is going to be new people in it's life on both mom's and dads side. and that it's OK for that to happen.
 

Huie83

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Originally Posted by Killer223
tell her to pound sand. you can and are aloud to parent anyway you see fit while it's your parenting time. period. kids are very resilient. explain to minor child that there is going to be new people in it's life on both mom's and dads side. and that it's OK for that to happen.
Thanks. After the 2 year comment that's basically what I told her to do. I told her she was being unrealistic and SHE would be the one hurting him mentally at that point. Let me also add that I do have my son's best interest in mind and that I would only introduce some one new if I knew it was going to be long term. I don't plan on women bouncing in and out of his life. Just wanted to make that clear to everyone smile I know I will never wait 2 years as she wants and being immature ( or a screw lose!) she will probably badmouth me/my partner to him like she threatened. How do you guys deal with this, just work through it with the kid?
 
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She's being immature. You don't have to agree with her arbitrary demands. I have an ex wife who basically ran me off. Marriage is a partnership; you have to put the other person ahead of you. If one person doesn't want do it, then it won't work.
 

Huie83

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Originally Posted by Silverado12
She's being immature. You don't have to agree with her arbitrary demands. I have an ex wife who basically ran me off. Marriage is a partnership; you have to put the other person ahead of you. If one person doesn't want do it, then it won't work.
I'd agree, I'm not going to give into her controlling nature and demands. I agree up to a point, I should be fairly certain a relationship is long term but that may only take me 6 months. My only hesitation is how to explain the toxic crap she is going to say about me and my new partner to my son... I don't know how to deal with that.
 
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As a kid who survived his parent's divorce, please let me say never badmouth, criticize, or say bad things about your soon to be exwife in front of or in earshot of your son no matter what. Sometimes it will take great effort on your part, but it will pay off a million times over in the long run. If your son asks you something about why you and your exwife disagree on something, just say that his mother sees things very differently than you do and that the dispute/problem/whatever is between you and his mother and not with your son. Odds are that your son's mother will say some nasty things about you in your son's presence time and time again. You can't control her or what she will say or do. You can only control what you say and do, and by offering alternative explanations to your son when he asks you as to why his mother is upset with you or why she said some "bad or unkind" things about you, you'll develop a deeper and more fulfilling relationship with your son. Also, don't make your son choose sides. I know, I was there and experienced this firsthand. As a result, I learned a great deal and came out of the divorce balanced fairly well. Good luck!
 

Nick1994

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2 years is ridiculous, but I'd think 1 year would be pretty good. Knowing someone for 30 days and being at this point seems to be moving a little fast.
 
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My Dad married 4 times in his life, and my Mom twice. It always ended up to be total crap for me, and I could not wait to grow up to be in charge of my own life. I moved thousands of miles to get away from that whole mess, and have done everything in my power not to repeat it for my children. You may be made out to be the devil and there is nothing you can do, but if it is not true children will realize, especially as they mature and reach teenage years.
 
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Wait a second... The papers aren't signed? She had this put in the papers? Yeah 2 years is too long and 6-12 months sounds more reasonable... however you are going to be dealing with her for another 15 years roughly if you ever want to see your son, so you should try to get along. If you've been seeing someone else before you are officially divorced and she decides to get difficult you could be in a pretty big pickle ...
 
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My parents divorced when I was 5 so I thought I could share what it was like from my point of view. Here is what traumatized me as a child: 1. The fighting that went on before Mom left Dad. This was cops involved stuff so it was scary. 2. The fact that no one explained to me what was going on. One day Dad went to work, and Mom packed up our stuff in her car and drove us 25 miles away to an apartment. No one told me what was going on or why. 3. Each parent then tried to turn me against the other one. This is what makes me resent them to this day (they are deceased). I was a little boy, what did I know? You don't pull a child into an adult issue like that. Dr. Phil has episodes where he criticizes parents for doing this. So if you are worried about damaging your child, consider what I just wrote. I never cared if they dated, just keep me out of your issues. And explain things to the child when they happen!
 
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How would you feel if she wanted to introduce your son to someone new tomorrow? Things take time. Maybe don't introduce your son to the rebound at all?
 
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Consider that she has an attorney that is going to leverage your actions against the eventual settlement. Stuff like "abandonment" and "infidelity". You should have a plan, and attorney, before any actions are taken. Get one today.
 
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Originally Posted by Huie83
She wants me to wait 2 years to introduce any woman into our 5 year old son's life. I think this is ridiculous as how do you build a real relationship with the new partner if half of your life (son) isn't involved? I suggested that *if* i wanted to introduce him to someone 6-9, maybe 12 months is more like it. And not as a mother figure, just as my partner to begin with until she can mesh into our life over time. The soon to be ex won't budge and insists that if I introduce him before 2 years she will make my life [censored], talk bad about my partner to my son etc.
She's going to do that anyway, she's [censored] that you moved on so quickly. She was the one who was supposed to find a new partner while you sat at home alone on Friday nights looking at porn. Good luck buddy, it's time for you to march to the front line to battle over your son for the next eleven-thirteen years. You're going to see gynocentrism at it's most fearsome in family court.
 

Al

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Well if she is posting on a board its all your fault. So likely its somewhere in between. The odds are two out of three the second marriage will fail. Even higher bc you are jumping into a relationship too fast. Sadly you two are arguing already over child matters. My old boss and ex hated each other. For the good of the child they participated in kid activities. Worked out amazingly well. Six years and 4 months is the 7 year itch..lol Good luck. cheers
 
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I am not a divorced Dad but I have dealt with divorced Dad's and Mom's as a Pastor. Step back and look at this from your ex-wife's point of view. If you are honest with yourself, while looking from your wife's point of view, this newly found friend looks highly suspicious. Looking at this from your wife's perspective, you may get mad thinking this has been going on behind your back for some time. And you probably would feel even more betrayed. She has probably thought that everybody else knew you were running around and she looks so stupid to those around y'all. I know I would. BUT, I understand...that is not the truth. What she is asking is ridiculous. She is hurting. Hurting people don't think clearly. She is trying to hurt you by using your son. She knows this would bring you the most pain and suffering. From my experience, I would not fight at all now. I would tell her you understand. You tell her you don't agree but you understand. Tell her you want the best for our son. Tell her you both want the best for our son. And leave it right there. period. It's too hot right now. Let the flames burn down on their own. Don't fan them or throw more wood on the fire. It ain't about you winning. It's about what is best for your son. And NEVER EVER NEVER say anything bad about her to anyone. Not just your son. Anyone... If you want some Scriptures, you can PM me.
 
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Originally Posted by rooflessVW
How would you feel if she wanted to introduce your son to someone new tomorrow? Things take time. ...
+1
 
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If I was in your shoes I would not even respond to her "demands". Once you do....they think they can continue. She can make all the ridiculous demands she wants....just ignore. And like others have said, don't ever bad mouth her to anyone. Take the high road. I have an ex, married for 25 years. When I found someone new, she threatened to take me back to court. I just ignored her. Since, for the most part she has quieted down. I am sure she has made comments in front of my son, but he is smart enough to think through the situation.
 
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Originally Posted by Mr Nice
2 years is too long. Try to stay 'friends' with ex wife.
Yes because she will turn you kid into a weapon and bet the crap out of both of you.
 
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