Devil Tires

Messages
2,688
Location
Elderly County, Florida
Good morning and good day to all in the land of all things "Bitog." I call this, "A journey in the Junkyard - an odyssey." For those of you who have followed the on-going saga of the ever faithful "Bluesmobile," you might recall that about a year ago, I fitted her with some new shoes. "Douglas" brand from "Walmart" they were. Never a poorer purchase have I made. "Yikes!" and "Egads!" my friends. For the life of me, these tires simply would not balance. Regardless of the number of times attempted, success was never achieved. Driving the ever faithful "Bluesmobile" down the highways and by-ways of life varied between riding a quarter operated bed in a cheap "no-tell motel" or operating a basketball down a four lane. "Enough!!" says I to me. So while at the "U-pull-it" paradise on a recent date, I decided to investigate and invest in a set of used tires. Armed with a lug wrench and a three pound sledge hammer, I made my way among the wrecks. Surrounded by literally thousands of tires on beat and battered vehicles, I searched. Bald tires, cracked tires, split tires, tires with holes and cuts were all I found - until, (cue angelic singing), I found a green Ford Taurus with four, (count them) four brand new fusion tires. The gods of all things automotive had smiled upon me. But how do you take the wheels off a car that's sitting three feet off the ground? That's where the hammer comes in handy. I put my lug wrench on lug nut number one and proceeded to hammer away. Like a stone age impact hammer, each lug comes loose after a few blows and said tire and wheel eventually comes free. As you can imagine, there's a little bit of work involved here. But in due time, I am rewarded with a stack of four wheels and tires, mounted, balanced, ready to bolt on and roll. Looking at my stack of newbees, I stop to take a break before heading to the gate to pay. I'm happy, pleased and content at my bargain find. Being of a curious nature, I check out the car. As is the usual, said car is dented and wrinkled, the results of what appear to be a head on crash. I look inside and that's when I see, a pentagram on the steering wheel. "THUNDER AND LIGHTING!!!" say I to myself, "This car belongs to the devil, (or at least belonged to someone who belonged to the devil). Who knows where this vehicle has been? A black mass perhaps? Maybe a coven of witches sat in these very seats! And then it dawns on me, I have just removed four tires from a vehicle that has no doubt traveled on the highway to hades! My blood runs cold. I ponder and debate. What should I do? Should I sprinkle these demon rings with junkyard holy water and travel in faith, or should I "repent" these witch wheels and like Saint Augustine and his former girlfriend of ill-repute, turn and walk away. I try to rationalize. "They're only an object, a thing - they have no soul to possess. After all, I've worked and sweated and gotten somewhat dirty in removing them - honest labor that will be paid for with honest money earned in honest God pleasing work." But I just can't bring myself to do it. I walk away, leaving them stacked next to the car from whence they came and begin my search again. All the angels in heaven rejoice in my decision as only six rows over I find yet another Taurus, a white one, (a sure sign for purity - no doubt, a distant cousin to the ever faithful "Bluesmobile." It is gifted with four brand new "Barum" brand tires. While I've never heard of "Barum" brand tires before, I take this as a sign and a great comfort since I immediately think of "Barium," which, as you well know, makes you "go fast." I begin the removal process again and in due time, am rewarded with a new stack which I joyfully take to the gate. On the way, I pass a fellow who nods in a friendly manner toward me and my stack. He smiles and says, "I'm here for the very same thing." "Really," I reply, "I tell you what, if you head up about five rows, you'll see a brand new set of tires stacked up next to a green Ford Taurus already off and ready to do." "Thanks!" he says and heads that way. I stop, I ponder, should I warn him of the vehicles wayward ways? But I reason that ignorance is bliss and head for the gate. But now I'm struggling, what am I going to do with four, (count them) four somewhat new "Douglas" brand tires that cannot be balanced. Try as I might, I just can't bring myself to throw them away.
 
Messages
43,676
Location
'Stralia
Pretty sure that more people have died in the name of a 4 stud pattern than a 5 (and engineering wise, I prefer at least a 5 stud pattern, as if one breaks, the two next are on the good side of cntre....remember 1 out of three breaking on an R16) Had Barum Bravis on the E30...they stuck very well to the road...were pretty wonky on the sidewall where belts cross and the like, but DID stick to the blanket pretty well.
 
Messages
9,122
Location
Marshfield , MA
Unlax. I sense a kindred spirit. Rock on, GG. Dark signs are best avoided. Ain't superstition, just caution. I stay on the light side of things these days.
 
Messages
519
Location
New York
The storytelling has become quite entertaining. I've enjoyed reading your endeavors every since you started these with the adventure of dumpster diving at commercial oil change locations for empty plastic oil containers to collect in mass to process for their last morsels of liquid gold. Your style of storytelling has given me ( maybe others ) an opportunity to visit my meager beginnings and arrive at satisfaction of my successes in life not having to today task events such as your stories tell. Reading them seem to find character in your saving or not spending hard to come by money on necessities in our BITOG world. It is easy to conclude why an adult beverage should be in your near future.
 
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Messages
5,928
Location
Waterloo, ON
You were sent to that yard from above to rescue hose tires, and give them a new life. You chose to abandon them at their time of need and turn your back on them. no-no
 
Messages
2,081
Location
California
Those tires even sound fast. Barooom, Barooom! Regarding those "Douglas" tires, I bet they were out of round. I had a set of General tires once that had the same problem. You could balance them until your head fell off, and they would still shake the fillings out of your teeth. I finally explained to the store manager (after several balancings) what an implied warranty of fitness is, and he grudgingly replaced them.
 
Messages
4,964
Location
Lima, Ohio, USA
do you remember the orientation of the pentacle in relation to the wheel? aka with the wheel at 12o'clock dead ahead, was it a "standard" star, 1 point up, 2 down, or 2 up, 1 down, resembling a goat's head. the upside down one is the evil one. if it's right side up, it could be wicca/Pagan, or it is also a symbol used by many eastern orthodox Christian branches.
 
Messages
17,298
Location
OH
The devil can only enter if invited. Putting a set of junkyard tires on a POS Taurus would not constitute an invitation.
 
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