Propflux01
$100 Site Donor 2025
The difference between your description of yourself and the OP's issue is that you are "earning your keep", whereas his are not. Big difference.
Age to cut the kids off.
- Thread starter burbguy82
- Start date
Getting help- only if they better myself.
My 16 year old is already making plans and discussing what he needs to do. Plans to work and go to college and work part time. And I’m more than good with that- what I can do to help him succeed.
I don’t judge- some are ones that learn the hard way- or make mistakes they need to fix
My 16 year old is already making plans and discussing what he needs to do. Plans to work and go to college and work part time. And I’m more than good with that- what I can do to help him succeed.
I don’t judge- some are ones that learn the hard way- or make mistakes they need to fix
Not in my opinion. We were lucky, our daughter wanted the personal self-respect of earning her own way and being independent. And achieved it at age 22. That is due in part to how we raised her, but of course every kid's unique personality is an important variable in that equation.
If I did have a kid who was having trouble making ends meet, of course they could live at home but that comes with rules, like getting a job, paying what they can, doing chores, etc. It's not primarily about money, it's about learning self discipline and earning self respect.
Back in college one of my jobs was working as a personal attendant for a quadriplegic who became so in a car accident that killed his grandparents when he was 16. He finished high school, college, law school, and worked as a district attorney. Had a wonderful wife and a son (the plumbing still worked even though he couldn't feel or control anything). That man was an inspiration to me. Life isn't fair. It demands more of some people than of others. "I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man with no feet".
I'm not sure it ends.
Our daughter left home (or more precisely we moved away from her) when she was in university and about 20 years old. She completed that 1st degree and took a 2nd degree at another university. She was living on her own in another city and had responsible jobs but they didn't pay very well in those early days so we helped out by giving her a reliable car (our 7 year old Solara) for example. We also paid off half her student loans in lock step as she paid off the other half.
She's now married, has a very good job, kids and a mortgage. Her husband has a very good job too. They're careful with their money but housing is very expensive here. (A very basic house would cost well over $1,000,000). We've given her advances on her inheritance from time to time to pay off chunks of the mortgage. That makes her/their life a little easier. The advances are structured as loans to her and her husband "jointly and severally" so if there is ever a breakup we can simply "call the loans." The loans will be forgiven in our wills.
We also pay a small annual sum to support the grandkids activities. It's nice to know they can do whatever activities they want (soccer, swimming, music lessons, sailing lessons, etc) without fussing about cost.
Our daughter left home (or more precisely we moved away from her) when she was in university and about 20 years old. She completed that 1st degree and took a 2nd degree at another university. She was living on her own in another city and had responsible jobs but they didn't pay very well in those early days so we helped out by giving her a reliable car (our 7 year old Solara) for example. We also paid off half her student loans in lock step as she paid off the other half.
She's now married, has a very good job, kids and a mortgage. Her husband has a very good job too. They're careful with their money but housing is very expensive here. (A very basic house would cost well over $1,000,000). We've given her advances on her inheritance from time to time to pay off chunks of the mortgage. That makes her/their life a little easier. The advances are structured as loans to her and her husband "jointly and severally" so if there is ever a breakup we can simply "call the loans." The loans will be forgiven in our wills.
We also pay a small annual sum to support the grandkids activities. It's nice to know they can do whatever activities they want (soccer, swimming, music lessons, sailing lessons, etc) without fussing about cost.
If the son is not pulling his weight at the house you need to make his stay uncomfortable for him. Most of these lazy unemployed kids game or do other useless things on the internet all day instead of working.
Start by getting a router where you can control his wifi from your phone. Block all his devices MAC addresses from getting internet except for during a certain time frame (6a - 11a? hehe) where he can be looking for jobs or doing something else productive online. If you want to get advanced with it you could even set up a DNS service and block anything related to games or time wasters. If he doesn't like it he will start looking to relocate to the gf's house while she will put up with him freeloading there.
Way back in the day I had a bum roommate that was a big computer gamer. There was a site online that tracked how much time you spent gaming. From late high school through his 5 - 6 year college career he clocked over 15,000 hrs gaming. He was a rich kid into fancy cars and his daddy paid for everything. One day I told him if he just spent that time with a minimum wage job he could have easily bought a brand new Corvette or put a nice down payment on a house. True story.
Start by getting a router where you can control his wifi from your phone. Block all his devices MAC addresses from getting internet except for during a certain time frame (6a - 11a? hehe) where he can be looking for jobs or doing something else productive online. If you want to get advanced with it you could even set up a DNS service and block anything related to games or time wasters. If he doesn't like it he will start looking to relocate to the gf's house while she will put up with him freeloading there.
Way back in the day I had a bum roommate that was a big computer gamer. There was a site online that tracked how much time you spent gaming. From late high school through his 5 - 6 year college career he clocked over 15,000 hrs gaming. He was a rich kid into fancy cars and his daddy paid for everything. One day I told him if he just spent that time with a minimum wage job he could have easily bought a brand new Corvette or put a nice down payment on a house. True story.
My thoughts, they must have atleast a part time job while attending college or trade school starting at 18. Otherwise they must work full time, pay low cost room and board until they have six months living expenses saved up. After that and no later than 24, time to cut the cord. Hopefully, by then they should also have enough saved for a house down payment too.
That should not be a problem for any young adult who wasn't coddled all their life. Those are the ones who will be living in the basement well into their 30's.
Last edited:
JTK
$100 Site Donor 2025
We all have our success and failure stories, but I believe things are a lot different today. Yes, I realize every generation has probably said the same thing.
Your average kid can barely look away from their screen to interact with another human now. Housing and education costs are out of touch for the average young person.
As a parent of three young adults and one minor, I always believed my wife and I were doing our best and for the most part we did.
We're struggling a bit with two of our kids.
Keep in mind you can't legally kick a kid out of your home if your address is their permanent address. You have to go through an eviction process.
Your average kid can barely look away from their screen to interact with another human now. Housing and education costs are out of touch for the average young person.
As a parent of three young adults and one minor, I always believed my wife and I were doing our best and for the most part we did.
We're struggling a bit with two of our kids.
Keep in mind you can't legally kick a kid out of your home if your address is their permanent address. You have to go through an eviction process.
Tough call, my son an only child cut himself off. He joined the Navy and left the house when he was 18, he'll be 38 in a few months. He hasn't returned. Sometimes I feel like I missed out, but I'm **** proud of him. As long as they're healthy and able bodied, I'd say cut them off when they get out of college [4 years max], or they might become a parasite.
Nothing worse than I dad on his death bed in panic that his adult child is a loser can't fend for himself what is he going to do with out me.
Is your wife financially supporting her adult BUM son causing a riff in your relationship with her ?
I get the feeling there’s some friction if she keeps helping this LEACH….
Adult bum son needs to find a retail job and less time playing on his computer.
While he is staying at your home he needs to help contribute with the bills even if it’s a few hundred dollars per month. Maybe you can convince him to move out and permanently live with girlfriend ?
Tough Love is the best medication for his eye disorder.
Off Topic:
When I was 15 years old I was working at Publix Supermarket in the produce dept.
Saturday and Sunday I was punching in (paper timecard /old school time clock) at 7 AM.
At 17 and still in high school I was punching in at 4 AM and unloading produce trucks….. when the store was being remodeled I was punching in at 3 AM.
Last edited:
I joined the military at 17, so I might not be the best person to ask. Independence has always come naturally to me, and I've worked hard to instill that mindset in my kids. However, I've learned that each one is unique, so I can't expect the same from all of them. I help my kids when I can, but if I feel one of them is taking advantage, I tell them flat out that I will only do so much.
dnewton3
Staff member
burbguy82 -
I can empathize with your conundrum to some degree. I have two kids; one's a go-getter and the other was a challenge to say the least. I say "was" because now that child is incredibly productive and hard working, but that wasn't the case in the teen years.
We drew the line quite early in life for them. We didn't give them anything; they had to earn it. Pay for chores around the house. No cell phone until they could afford the plan (we paid for the phones; they had to pay for the service). No cars until they could afford the insurance; not unlike the phones.
Each was told that they had to have a "plan" for their own lives at 18 after high-school. We would pay for college, trade schools, etc ... whatever they wanted to further their education. If they wanted to go into military service, we'd support that choice also. But living at home in the basement as some form of mutated parasitic slug was NOT an option.
One went to college and then grad school. Very successful; then and now.
The other struggled. Moved out, got into trouble, had life kicks in the gut. Bad choices resulted in bad consequences. But slowly, methodically, the dim light started to grow brighter. The "cause and effect" of life began to make sense. Whereas the mean ol' dad (me) was never to be trusted or believed, other adults who gave advice seemed to echo my teachings and so somehow, some way, the message began to sink in. This child who was a true drain on us emotionally and physically early on, now had started to turn life around. I recall a conversation with a person who actually ended up employing my child (unbeknownst to me at the time), stating what an excellent, motivated, brilliant person showed up to work every day. I was nearly floored; both proud and bewildered at the same time. Now, several years later, this same child is self-employed, doing well, and communicates with us willingly and semi-regularly. Not unlike a family-channel movie, life has turned out well.
My point is that sometimes you have to play the long game and make the adult decisions in your own life, and risk alienating the "child" to boost the "adult" in a person. Some folks will rise to the top merely as a means of self-directed achievement. Others need to understand that life isn't as easy as it looks on YT or FB.
Sadly, some kids never grow up, even with the best of guidance. Don't consider yourself a failure if, after years of proper teachings, your kid fails. I've seen it in my LEO career many times. Some kids won't transition into adulthood because too many other distractions get in the way, and pity/self-loathing seems easier than getting a job. Parents are to blame when they don't set rules or provide proper guardrails for development. But not all parents are to blame for wanton children; at times "you just can't fix stupid" (credit Ron White).
My advice is to draw a line and stick to it. Now is a better time than never. If you don't set the expectations and enforce them, growth is unlikely. And it's not going to be easy for you, either. It's tough to say no. It's hard to turn them away when they do stupid things.
If you lay down the law, and enforce expectations, there's no guarantee the kid will respond positively.
But if you don't make them grow up, there's a VERY high likelihood they won't ever mature on their own.
So, in all seriousness, I offer my life advice to you. Do the right thing. Even if it fails, at least you won't be the reason it failed and you can say you tried as best you were able. And it might just work out well in the end ... it did for us!
Hence, my long answer to your short question is this:
After they become 18, cut your kids off when they no longer are doing something positive to improve their own lives.
I can empathize with your conundrum to some degree. I have two kids; one's a go-getter and the other was a challenge to say the least. I say "was" because now that child is incredibly productive and hard working, but that wasn't the case in the teen years.
We drew the line quite early in life for them. We didn't give them anything; they had to earn it. Pay for chores around the house. No cell phone until they could afford the plan (we paid for the phones; they had to pay for the service). No cars until they could afford the insurance; not unlike the phones.
Each was told that they had to have a "plan" for their own lives at 18 after high-school. We would pay for college, trade schools, etc ... whatever they wanted to further their education. If they wanted to go into military service, we'd support that choice also. But living at home in the basement as some form of mutated parasitic slug was NOT an option.
One went to college and then grad school. Very successful; then and now.
The other struggled. Moved out, got into trouble, had life kicks in the gut. Bad choices resulted in bad consequences. But slowly, methodically, the dim light started to grow brighter. The "cause and effect" of life began to make sense. Whereas the mean ol' dad (me) was never to be trusted or believed, other adults who gave advice seemed to echo my teachings and so somehow, some way, the message began to sink in. This child who was a true drain on us emotionally and physically early on, now had started to turn life around. I recall a conversation with a person who actually ended up employing my child (unbeknownst to me at the time), stating what an excellent, motivated, brilliant person showed up to work every day. I was nearly floored; both proud and bewildered at the same time. Now, several years later, this same child is self-employed, doing well, and communicates with us willingly and semi-regularly. Not unlike a family-channel movie, life has turned out well.
My point is that sometimes you have to play the long game and make the adult decisions in your own life, and risk alienating the "child" to boost the "adult" in a person. Some folks will rise to the top merely as a means of self-directed achievement. Others need to understand that life isn't as easy as it looks on YT or FB.
Sadly, some kids never grow up, even with the best of guidance. Don't consider yourself a failure if, after years of proper teachings, your kid fails. I've seen it in my LEO career many times. Some kids won't transition into adulthood because too many other distractions get in the way, and pity/self-loathing seems easier than getting a job. Parents are to blame when they don't set rules or provide proper guardrails for development. But not all parents are to blame for wanton children; at times "you just can't fix stupid" (credit Ron White).
My advice is to draw a line and stick to it. Now is a better time than never. If you don't set the expectations and enforce them, growth is unlikely. And it's not going to be easy for you, either. It's tough to say no. It's hard to turn them away when they do stupid things.
If you lay down the law, and enforce expectations, there's no guarantee the kid will respond positively.
But if you don't make them grow up, there's a VERY high likelihood they won't ever mature on their own.
So, in all seriousness, I offer my life advice to you. Do the right thing. Even if it fails, at least you won't be the reason it failed and you can say you tried as best you were able. And it might just work out well in the end ... it did for us!
Hence, my long answer to your short question is this:
After they become 18, cut your kids off when they no longer are doing something positive to improve their own lives.
Last edited:
I agree with all of your points, but this point brought back memories. While my son was still in HS he worked and bought his first car, on his own. Prior to buying his car I told him he would have to get his own insurance as well. I was not adding him to my insurance as many parents do to save money. My son was/is very responsible, etc, however God Forbid he got into an accident having him on my insurance could have cost me a house and my life's savings. He took his own policy which cost considerably more than being added to my policy. I did help him make up the difference in cost for the few months he was still with us prior to going to boot camp. I took a bit of heat from my wife about not adding him to our policy, but when I explained what could happen she reluctantly agreed.
The day we got a job my mother took a percentage of the pay to put towards the household expenses. We had to pitch in around the house dishes laundry, shoveling lawn care whatever. We did not appreciate how good we had it and it did cause rifts because not many parents did that... She saved all the money she got from us and later on gave it all back as a gift. There was always a lesson in everything they did for us. Tough Tough choices. Its easier to just pay for everything they need.
I am not one to preach because we have one child, gave them our old car when they got their license and paid for their fuel etc until they got a good job @22. car and still pay the insurance. I do all the repairs and this year I started charging for the parts I put in. They pays it but with a stern grumpy look with a unemotional ok This year they starts paying all their auto insurance. Not that happy. We buy 99 percent of the food. A good kid, but out of touch a bit I guess. A saver to a fault which is good to see.
To answer your question have a plan and stay with it whatever it is. If I had to give an age I would say 25 but when it down if they are still living at home. once they move out that's it. Unless there is an emergency. They can get a loan. No job too bad. Get a job. My wife is too generous. Money is real important to manage properly. Help with a budget. Get an early Credit Card in her name. She has to pay. Establish Credit. TMI
I am not one to preach because we have one child, gave them our old car when they got their license and paid for their fuel etc until they got a good job @22. car and still pay the insurance. I do all the repairs and this year I started charging for the parts I put in. They pays it but with a stern grumpy look with a unemotional ok This year they starts paying all their auto insurance. Not that happy. We buy 99 percent of the food. A good kid, but out of touch a bit I guess. A saver to a fault which is good to see.
To answer your question have a plan and stay with it whatever it is. If I had to give an age I would say 25 but when it down if they are still living at home. once they move out that's it. Unless there is an emergency. They can get a loan. No job too bad. Get a job. My wife is too generous. Money is real important to manage properly. Help with a budget. Get an early Credit Card in her name. She has to pay. Establish Credit. TMI
Remember, there's a difference between supporting and enabling.
Tell your wife you are going to do the following:
Tell him he must get and keep a job. Period. If he doesn't in a month or so, then
Then tell wife you are on the verge of: Drive him to a homeless camp. Ask him if he wants out, or in.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
This may wake wife up, dunno.
Tell him he must get and keep a job. Period. If he doesn't in a month or so, then
Then tell wife you are on the verge of: Drive him to a homeless camp. Ask him if he wants out, or in.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
This may wake wife up, dunno.
Last edited:
My wife and I married very young. At the time she had two more years of college and I was working as a tech in a dealership. Very lean times. She worked part time as a bank teller while in school. We have two adult children with two children of their own in each family. Our son and family lost everything in 2018 (Hurricane Florence). We and his in-laws helped them get back on their feet. Our daughter and husband both have demanding jobs and we help with the grandkids. I chose to help my family when needed as opposed to contributions to other organizations. I feel like one day when I draw my last breath I can leave this world knowing that I’ve done all that I can for my family. How you chose to help your son is your business. Some folks will always need more help than others.
Your wife is likely the enabler and probably defends his excuses. You being a stepdad will be the “bad” guy. I would say you need to get your wife on board first, then sit down with the son and lay down the plan and consequences if he doesn’t meet the requirements.
If you just cut him off all of the sudden, your marriage may be next.
If you just cut him off all of the sudden, your marriage may be next.
Similar threads
