another 5000 posters would be nice,,,to get a real sample
You all be careful :Marriage stuff
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Originally Posted By: CourierDriver
another 5000 posters would be nice,,,to get a real sample
So, Im 67, married twice. I'm not gonna do it again, way to old for the [censored],the kids are grown, and I dont do drama momma anymore stuff. When I see couples fussing in a store, I get queezy and think, wow, that use to be me and her or hers,lol.
I go and come as I please now and no, I do not miss being married, but many make it work and when it works it is good,,,see Im not totally against,it,,I just did not make good grades in it...
another 5000 posters would be nice,,,to get a real sample
So, Im 67, married twice. I'm not gonna do it again, way to old for the [censored],the kids are grown, and I dont do drama momma anymore stuff. When I see couples fussing in a store, I get queezy and think, wow, that use to be me and her or hers,lol.
I go and come as I please now and no, I do not miss being married, but many make it work and when it works it is good,,,see Im not totally against,it,,I just did not make good grades in it...
JTK
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Phishin, that is extremely insightful given you wrote that yourself.
Unless I'm missing something (as is my custom), how does this account for your spouse? Each person is only half of the equation.
I've been married for 13yrs and with the same women for over 20. With 4 young kids and everything that goes into that, it's funny how this gives you a different perspective. The thought of "me" or "myself" is about the last thing on my mind.
Well.. That I couldn't afford a divorce anyway, unless living in a refrigerator box down by the river was a good option.
Unless I'm missing something (as is my custom), how does this account for your spouse? Each person is only half of the equation.
I've been married for 13yrs and with the same women for over 20. With 4 young kids and everything that goes into that, it's funny how this gives you a different perspective. The thought of "me" or "myself" is about the last thing on my mind.
Well.. That I couldn't afford a divorce anyway, unless living in a refrigerator box down by the river was a good option.
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Originally Posted By: Phishin
You either learn to live life on life's terms or you don't. You either find happiness or you don't. It has nothing to do with your spouse. It never has.
You-clearly and obviously-have never had the misfortune of dealing with a woman who was a bona fide psycho! I haven't, but I know people who have.
You either learn to live life on life's terms or you don't. You either find happiness or you don't. It has nothing to do with your spouse. It never has.
You-clearly and obviously-have never had the misfortune of dealing with a woman who was a bona fide psycho! I haven't, but I know people who have.
"I often wonder whether men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then."
Katharine Hepburn
Katharine Hepburn
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Originally Posted By: Phishin
As a 38 year old, who is about to get married for the second time next weekend (September 28th), I laughed at this article.
But I did agree with his statement that "I loved my spouse enough to suffer this journey alongside him (or her)."
Because life is full of suffering. Full of triumphs and tragedies. You can look for a "better" spouse, or cling onto old romanticized notions of a past relationship, but in the end, when you switch partners, you just swapping out one set of problems for another...because the unchanged you, is still in the equation.
It's not your partner that needs changing. It's you. If you want your spouse to be the best person he/she can be, the only effective tool you have is to be the best person you can be.
Below is one of the most effective notions I've ever come across....which has turned around my life and brought me an untold amount of happiness and freedom:
Acceptance is the answer to ALL of my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation- some fact of my life- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my short-comings, I could not get better; unless I accept my life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes. (Edited to gain universality).
This.
As a 38 year old, who is about to get married for the second time next weekend (September 28th), I laughed at this article.
But I did agree with his statement that "I loved my spouse enough to suffer this journey alongside him (or her)."
Because life is full of suffering. Full of triumphs and tragedies. You can look for a "better" spouse, or cling onto old romanticized notions of a past relationship, but in the end, when you switch partners, you just swapping out one set of problems for another...because the unchanged you, is still in the equation.
It's not your partner that needs changing. It's you. If you want your spouse to be the best person he/she can be, the only effective tool you have is to be the best person you can be.
Below is one of the most effective notions I've ever come across....which has turned around my life and brought me an untold amount of happiness and freedom:
Acceptance is the answer to ALL of my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation- some fact of my life- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my short-comings, I could not get better; unless I accept my life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes. (Edited to gain universality).
This.
Originally Posted By: Phishin
Because life is full of suffering. Full of triumphs and tragedies. You can look for a "better" spouse, or cling onto old romanticized notions of a past relationship, but in the end, when you switch partners, you just swapping out one set of problems for another...because the unchanged you, is still in the equation.
It's not your partner that needs changing. It's you. If you want your spouse to be the best person he/she can be, the only effective tool you have is to be the best person you can be.
Stunningly accurate!
(many years ago, when I was young and foolish) I discovered this by electronically recording my own behavior, with the intent of introspection. Then looking at it a month later, when the crisis has passed. Interestingly, I found that, while I was 100% correct, there was much I could do to improve the situation. My manner needed improvement, as did my listening skills and my response to manipulative tactics.
I've changed, period. The other people involved have not. But the situation has improved markedly.
However, people are people, and often, for any number of reasons, have a vastly different "take" on a situation. You can, for example, be a great husband, father and lover, yet have a wife that eventually becomes frigid or unfaithful or simply disinterested (or all of the above) "Jim's" wife of 8 years decided one day that affection was not part of marriage anymore, probably due to hormonal changes. Guess how that marriage ended?
Because life is full of suffering. Full of triumphs and tragedies. You can look for a "better" spouse, or cling onto old romanticized notions of a past relationship, but in the end, when you switch partners, you just swapping out one set of problems for another...because the unchanged you, is still in the equation.
It's not your partner that needs changing. It's you. If you want your spouse to be the best person he/she can be, the only effective tool you have is to be the best person you can be.
Stunningly accurate!
(many years ago, when I was young and foolish) I discovered this by electronically recording my own behavior, with the intent of introspection. Then looking at it a month later, when the crisis has passed. Interestingly, I found that, while I was 100% correct, there was much I could do to improve the situation. My manner needed improvement, as did my listening skills and my response to manipulative tactics.
I've changed, period. The other people involved have not. But the situation has improved markedly.
However, people are people, and often, for any number of reasons, have a vastly different "take" on a situation. You can, for example, be a great husband, father and lover, yet have a wife that eventually becomes frigid or unfaithful or simply disinterested (or all of the above) "Jim's" wife of 8 years decided one day that affection was not part of marriage anymore, probably due to hormonal changes. Guess how that marriage ended?
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Originally Posted By: stockrex
Originally Posted By: javacontour
As one who went through a pretty bad divorce, sometimes it really is the other person.
Not to the extent of pushing me over a cliff. But having an affair with a married man, and then wanting the children, the house, and for me to pay to keep her in the lifestyle she had grown accustomed to, and so forth.
If it's not working, then NEGOTIATE a settlement. Don't go nuclear by having an affair.
Something attracted you originally. So go back to doing those things, talk to your spouse, ask him/her to consider the same.
I'm just tired of this bad rep that men are the ones who destroy marriages. From what I read, 66-75% of divorces are sought by women, not men. Seldom are they for marital misconduct such as he's beating her, or a cheater or an addict.
Most of the time, it's her who thinks the grass is greener and wants to trade him in on another model.
Of course for every man having an affair, there is a woman. So I'm not saying one gender is more or less well behaved than the other. What I'm saying is folks just don't know how to solve problems in a healthy fashion.
Instead, the choose hurtful and destructive behaviors. Sometimes, it ends up costing an innocent spouse his/her life.
Amen,
went through one myself, not fully over yet, in MI 80% of the divorce is filed by women.
in MOST cases the women claim the same things, when you sit in court your hear nearly the same story from each woman, makes you wonder if they were married to the same guy:
-my husband is scary, he threatened me, I don't feel safe.
-my husband is out all the time working, so I should get the kids
-my husband called me names, hurt my feelings
-my husband is controlling, what the f, I am the only one who can be controlling....
the list goes one.
There are evil people out there but go sit in court for a morning and see true evil for yourself.
It's very hard for men to defend themselves in court against this. There is really no way to play the system like "some" women do. It's sad and it sucks.
Originally Posted By: javacontour
As one who went through a pretty bad divorce, sometimes it really is the other person.
Not to the extent of pushing me over a cliff. But having an affair with a married man, and then wanting the children, the house, and for me to pay to keep her in the lifestyle she had grown accustomed to, and so forth.
If it's not working, then NEGOTIATE a settlement. Don't go nuclear by having an affair.
Something attracted you originally. So go back to doing those things, talk to your spouse, ask him/her to consider the same.
I'm just tired of this bad rep that men are the ones who destroy marriages. From what I read, 66-75% of divorces are sought by women, not men. Seldom are they for marital misconduct such as he's beating her, or a cheater or an addict.
Most of the time, it's her who thinks the grass is greener and wants to trade him in on another model.
Of course for every man having an affair, there is a woman. So I'm not saying one gender is more or less well behaved than the other. What I'm saying is folks just don't know how to solve problems in a healthy fashion.
Instead, the choose hurtful and destructive behaviors. Sometimes, it ends up costing an innocent spouse his/her life.
Amen,
went through one myself, not fully over yet, in MI 80% of the divorce is filed by women.
in MOST cases the women claim the same things, when you sit in court your hear nearly the same story from each woman, makes you wonder if they were married to the same guy:
-my husband is scary, he threatened me, I don't feel safe.
-my husband is out all the time working, so I should get the kids
-my husband called me names, hurt my feelings
-my husband is controlling, what the f, I am the only one who can be controlling....
the list goes one.
There are evil people out there but go sit in court for a morning and see true evil for yourself.
It's very hard for men to defend themselves in court against this. There is really no way to play the system like "some" women do. It's sad and it sucks.
I've got a good friend with an absolute Nightmare of a wife.
Nobody can handle her pathetic and predictable histrionics, and they are now dis-included from gatherings. Such a shame as my Friend is such a good person, yet his social life and career are at a standstill.
People wonder what is wrong with this guy that he thought marrying her was a good idea.
He thought he could help her.
Fool. Poor emasculated fool.
Whenever he tells me about increasing his life insurance, I just imagine her plotting his murder.
I actually don't know if he is a friend anymore. He found out about the latest gathering that he was not invited to and told me to Eff off, and to tell everyone else to Eff off too.
I said to tell them yourself.
I wonder if he even knows it is only because of his wife, or at least it was.
Nobody can handle her pathetic and predictable histrionics, and they are now dis-included from gatherings. Such a shame as my Friend is such a good person, yet his social life and career are at a standstill.
People wonder what is wrong with this guy that he thought marrying her was a good idea.
He thought he could help her.
Fool. Poor emasculated fool.
Whenever he tells me about increasing his life insurance, I just imagine her plotting his murder.
I actually don't know if he is a friend anymore. He found out about the latest gathering that he was not invited to and told me to Eff off, and to tell everyone else to Eff off too.
I said to tell them yourself.
I wonder if he even knows it is only because of his wife, or at least it was.
I can't imagine having made this journey without my wife of 4 decades. The number of people here that don't understand what it takes to make a successful marriage is astounding, and the people that claim to have married "psychos". You do realize that you were the one that choose to enter into the marriage with the so called "psychos"? What does that tell us about you?
Many of the posts in this thread are a sad commentary on the ability of men to actually act like grown up men.
Originally Posted By: Burt
A guy that I know who has gone through divorce and remarriage said "All women are crazy. You just pick the crazy you can live with."
With an attitude such as that, it's no wonder he has failed at marriage.
Many of the posts in this thread are a sad commentary on the ability of men to actually act like grown up men.
Originally Posted By: Burt
A guy that I know who has gone through divorce and remarriage said "All women are crazy. You just pick the crazy you can live with."
With an attitude such as that, it's no wonder he has failed at marriage.
Originally Posted By: Cujet
I discovered this by electronically recording my own behavior,
I'm sure there was some value gained by being able to go back and objectively "grade" yourself in a given situation.
But what I think is most telling about this Cujet, is your WILLINGNESS to go to any length to make things better. Most people won't make any effort to save their own hineys, let alone go to the lengths you did so that you could better yourself in a relationship. It's that willingness to take action and actually follow through with a plan that is the cornerstone of your success.
Originally Posted By: Burt
With an attitude such as that, it's no wonder he has failed at marriage.
I think that most people are genuinely good people. And their misgivings are simply the results of them doing the best they can. People want to be good, want to do good....but sometimes they haven't learned all the lessons yet on how to go about that....lessons like keeping your greed in check, and putting others before yourself.....princples like that. Some people will never experience enough pain, and yet others have very high pain tolerences, and therefore, will never experience sufficient motivation to change.
Until the pain of staying the same exceeds the pain of changing, there is little hope for anyone to improve their situation.
Originally Posted By: JTK
Phishin, that is extremely insightful given you wrote that yourself.
JTK, no these aren't my ideas. Just something I'm passing along. When it comes to living, there are no original ideas anymore. The answers are simple, and have been known for quite some time.
I discovered this by electronically recording my own behavior,
I'm sure there was some value gained by being able to go back and objectively "grade" yourself in a given situation.
But what I think is most telling about this Cujet, is your WILLINGNESS to go to any length to make things better. Most people won't make any effort to save their own hineys, let alone go to the lengths you did so that you could better yourself in a relationship. It's that willingness to take action and actually follow through with a plan that is the cornerstone of your success.
Originally Posted By: Burt
With an attitude such as that, it's no wonder he has failed at marriage.
I think that most people are genuinely good people. And their misgivings are simply the results of them doing the best they can. People want to be good, want to do good....but sometimes they haven't learned all the lessons yet on how to go about that....lessons like keeping your greed in check, and putting others before yourself.....princples like that. Some people will never experience enough pain, and yet others have very high pain tolerences, and therefore, will never experience sufficient motivation to change.
Until the pain of staying the same exceeds the pain of changing, there is little hope for anyone to improve their situation.
Originally Posted By: JTK
Phishin, that is extremely insightful given you wrote that yourself.
JTK, no these aren't my ideas. Just something I'm passing along. When it comes to living, there are no original ideas anymore. The answers are simple, and have been known for quite some time.
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I could say something about a successful marriage but I won't as it would most likely get this thread locked.
As for the statement that "all women are crazy"....that would mean that all men are dumb.....when it comes to relationships.
My wife is crazy in her own way.....as she tells me she's "crazy in love with me". And I with her!!
As for the statement that "all women are crazy"....that would mean that all men are dumb.....when it comes to relationships.
My wife is crazy in her own way.....as she tells me she's "crazy in love with me". And I with her!!
I think a lot of people have an unrealistic image of life and marriage.
I blame the modern media and a lot of the stuff that women and men are fed growing up.
They seem to want to meet this dream guy, who is perfect looking, has money, and will carry them off into the sunset. Well the world doesn't work that way. The grass is not greener on the other side, and most men are just as messed up as women.
But I have horrible luck with long term relationships so take my advice with a grain of salt.
I blame the modern media and a lot of the stuff that women and men are fed growing up.
They seem to want to meet this dream guy, who is perfect looking, has money, and will carry them off into the sunset. Well the world doesn't work that way. The grass is not greener on the other side, and most men are just as messed up as women.
But I have horrible luck with long term relationships so take my advice with a grain of salt.
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JTK
$100 Site Donor 2025
Originally Posted By: hattaresguy
They seem to want to meet this dream guy, who is perfect looking, has money, and will carry them off into the sunset. Well the world doesn't work that way. The grass is not greener on the other side, and most men are just as messed up as women.
You're right, but a lot of dudes have that expectation for the ladies too.
They seem to want to meet this dream guy, who is perfect looking, has money, and will carry them off into the sunset. Well the world doesn't work that way. The grass is not greener on the other side, and most men are just as messed up as women.
You're right, but a lot of dudes have that expectation for the ladies too.
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Porn and soap operas give both men and women unrealistic expectations.
Originally Posted By: javacontour
Porn and soap operas give both men and women unrealistic expectations.
Yes, the media is AT LEAST partly to blame for these problems
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/7784366.stm
"The problem is that while most of us know that the idea of a perfect relationship is unrealistic, some of us are still more influenced by media portrayals than we realise."
Porn and soap operas give both men and women unrealistic expectations.
Yes, the media is AT LEAST partly to blame for these problems
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/7784366.stm
"The problem is that while most of us know that the idea of a perfect relationship is unrealistic, some of us are still more influenced by media portrayals than we realise."
Originally Posted By: Pop_Rivit
I can't imagine having made this journey without my wife of 4 decades. The number of people here that don't understand what it takes to make a successful marriage is astounding, and the people that claim to have married "psychos". You do realize that you were the one that choose to enter into the marriage with the so called "psychos"? What does that tell us about you?
Many of the posts in this thread are a sad commentary on the ability of men to actually act like grown up men.
Originally Posted By: Burt
A guy that I know who has gone through divorce and remarriage said "All women are crazy. You just pick the crazy you can live with."
With an attitude such as that, it's no wonder he has failed at marriage.
I would agree to a point. Keep in mind, not everybody has it nailed down in their early 20's.
Heck, I waited until I was 31 to get married the first time, and I didn't pick well. It wasn't like I was blinded by having great sex. We didn't have sex until our wedding night.
Sometimes folks just don't pick a good partner.
It's hard to blame a guy for his wife's choice to have an affair. There were probably a few hundred things she could have done other than have an affair to let him know she wasn't happy. But when she jumps right to affair, it's hard to put the blame on her husband for not knowing something she was concealing.
There is a good chance that 1/2 the men here were raised by a mother who tossed out his father simply because she wasn't happy. Not tossed out because he was unfaithful, or a drug addict or an abuser. But tossed out because he wasn't making it a Disney fairy tale for her.
If you want to know why people don't do marriage well, you can blame No Fault Divorce. Which I have long said is a far greater threat to family and marriage than Same Sex Marriage will ever dream of being.
But try to get a church or politician concerns about that like some are about SSM. It won't happen.
I can't imagine having made this journey without my wife of 4 decades. The number of people here that don't understand what it takes to make a successful marriage is astounding, and the people that claim to have married "psychos". You do realize that you were the one that choose to enter into the marriage with the so called "psychos"? What does that tell us about you?
Many of the posts in this thread are a sad commentary on the ability of men to actually act like grown up men.
Originally Posted By: Burt
A guy that I know who has gone through divorce and remarriage said "All women are crazy. You just pick the crazy you can live with."
With an attitude such as that, it's no wonder he has failed at marriage.
I would agree to a point. Keep in mind, not everybody has it nailed down in their early 20's.
Heck, I waited until I was 31 to get married the first time, and I didn't pick well. It wasn't like I was blinded by having great sex. We didn't have sex until our wedding night.
Sometimes folks just don't pick a good partner.
It's hard to blame a guy for his wife's choice to have an affair. There were probably a few hundred things she could have done other than have an affair to let him know she wasn't happy. But when she jumps right to affair, it's hard to put the blame on her husband for not knowing something she was concealing.
There is a good chance that 1/2 the men here were raised by a mother who tossed out his father simply because she wasn't happy. Not tossed out because he was unfaithful, or a drug addict or an abuser. But tossed out because he wasn't making it a Disney fairy tale for her.
If you want to know why people don't do marriage well, you can blame No Fault Divorce. Which I have long said is a far greater threat to family and marriage than Same Sex Marriage will ever dream of being.
But try to get a church or politician concerns about that like some are about SSM. It won't happen.
Originally Posted By: ddrumman2004
I could say something about a successful marriage but I won't as it would most likely get this thread locked.
As for the statement that "all women are crazy"....that would mean that all men are dumb.....when it comes to relationships.
My wife is crazy in her own way.....as she tells me she's "crazy in love with me". And I with her!!
If you really think it will get the thread locked, can you PM me? Or at least give us the subject? I ask because I can't think of what would get us locked (???).
I could say something about a successful marriage but I won't as it would most likely get this thread locked.
As for the statement that "all women are crazy"....that would mean that all men are dumb.....when it comes to relationships.
My wife is crazy in her own way.....as she tells me she's "crazy in love with me". And I with her!!
If you really think it will get the thread locked, can you PM me? Or at least give us the subject? I ask because I can't think of what would get us locked (???).
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