Subject: I'm On A Committee!
-Author Unknown
Oh give me some pity, I'm on a committee, Which means that from morning to night,
We attend, and amend, and contend, and defend Without a conclusion in sight.
We confer and concur, we defer and demur, And reiterate all of our thoughts.
We revise the agenda with frequent addenda, And consider a load of reports.
We compose and propose, we suppose and oppose, And the points of procedure are fun!
But though various notions are brought up as motions, There's terribly little gets done.
We resolve and absolve, but we never dissolve, Since it's out of the question for us.
What a shattering pity to end our committee, Where else could we make such a fuss.
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These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the
country
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went
through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They stretch after
awhile."
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a
worthless document."
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed
of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write
anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
7. "Yes,sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it
will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
8. "Warning! You want a warning? OK., I'm warning you not to do that again
or I'll give you another ticket."
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk
or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to
ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster
oven."
12. "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
13. "How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're
allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of
yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS....
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.
Sign here."
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Subject: MENSA LIST 2008
All,
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners. Read them carefully. Each is an artificial word with only one letter altered to form a real word.
17. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
16. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
15. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding a stupid person that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
14. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
13. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
12. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
11. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
8. Karmageddon: Its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.
7. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
6. Glibido: All talk and no action.
5. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
4. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
3. Beelzebug (n.): [censored] in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
2. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
#1 pick:
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and jerk.
-Author Unknown
Oh give me some pity, I'm on a committee, Which means that from morning to night,
We attend, and amend, and contend, and defend Without a conclusion in sight.
We confer and concur, we defer and demur, And reiterate all of our thoughts.
We revise the agenda with frequent addenda, And consider a load of reports.
We compose and propose, we suppose and oppose, And the points of procedure are fun!
But though various notions are brought up as motions, There's terribly little gets done.
We resolve and absolve, but we never dissolve, Since it's out of the question for us.
What a shattering pity to end our committee, Where else could we make such a fuss.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the
country
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went
through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They stretch after
awhile."
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a
worthless document."
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed
of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write
anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
7. "Yes,sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it
will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
8. "Warning! You want a warning? OK., I'm warning you not to do that again
or I'll give you another ticket."
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk
or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to
ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster
oven."
12. "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
13. "How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're
allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of
yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS....
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.
Sign here."
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Subject: MENSA LIST 2008
All,
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners. Read them carefully. Each is an artificial word with only one letter altered to form a real word.
17. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
16. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
15. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding a stupid person that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
14. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
13. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
12. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
11. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
8. Karmageddon: Its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.
7. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
6. Glibido: All talk and no action.
5. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
4. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
3. Beelzebug (n.): [censored] in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
2. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
#1 pick:
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and jerk.