OK folks, I have had it. I've taken all I can stand and I can't
stand no more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men
redecorating houses and talking about foreign concepts like "style".
Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your butt, belch, and yell
"ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the
culture wars, the Retrosexual movement.
The Code.......
A Retrosexual, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE ****
DATE.
A Retrosexual opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit
that term only because they are female.
A Retrosexual DEALS with **** . Be it a flat tire, break-in into your
home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.
A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.
A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long
you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars
and drinking, I salute you.
A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman.
Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an
end cap (possibly 2 end caps if you include shaving goods.) A Retrosexual
does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years old.
A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.
A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for
women.
Some changes are evitable, but major re-invention of yourself will
only lead to you becoming a froo-froo little puss, and in the long run, she
ain't worth it.
A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental
stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a
freak tree chipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different
city etc.
You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you
enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he
DEALT with you.
A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie.
A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about
getting.
A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't
hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can or
be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.
A Retrosexual gives a lady his seat on the bus/subway/etc.
A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are
riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT.
Plus it's just ****ed fun to shoot.
Crying...........
There are very few reason that a retrosexual may cry, and none of
them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are
sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is
swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a retrosexual can cry
include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet ( fish
do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part.
A retrosexual man's favorite movie isn't "Maid in Manhattan" (unless
that refers to some foxy french maid sitting in a huge tub of brandy or
whiskey), or "Divine secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood". Acceptable ones may
include any of the Dirty Harry or Nameless drifter movies (Clint in his better
days), Rambo I or II, the Dirty Dozen, The Godfather trilogy, Scarface, The
Road Warrior, The Die Hard series, Caddy shack, Rocky I, II, or III, Full
Metal Jacket, any James Bond Movie, Raging Bull, Bullitt, any Bruce Lee
movie, Apocalypse Now, Goodfellas, Reservoir Dogs, or Fight Club.
When a retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and
a pregnant woman, **** , any woman gets on, that retrosexual stands up
and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so
called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you punks" look on his face.
A retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with the
correct emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the words to the Star
Spangled Banner.
A retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do
not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they
offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged in a
serious healthy relationship. I.E. hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting,
car maintenance.
A retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen
utensils.
A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (**** , a blizzard) without
sliding all over or driving under 20mph.
A retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he
wants.
Where ever it lands is where he wanted it to land.
A retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women
but any elderly person or person in military dress (except officers above
2nd LT.)
NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the
retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them
for serving their country.
A retrosexual man doesn't need a contract, a handshake is good
enough.
He will always stand by his word even if circumstances change or the
other person deceived him.
A retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he
does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in
the process doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT.
stand no more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men
redecorating houses and talking about foreign concepts like "style".
Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your butt, belch, and yell
"ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the
culture wars, the Retrosexual movement.
The Code.......
A Retrosexual, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE ****
DATE.
A Retrosexual opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit
that term only because they are female.
A Retrosexual DEALS with **** . Be it a flat tire, break-in into your
home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.
A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.
A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long
you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars
and drinking, I salute you.
A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman.
Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an
end cap (possibly 2 end caps if you include shaving goods.) A Retrosexual
does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years old.
A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.
A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for
women.
Some changes are evitable, but major re-invention of yourself will
only lead to you becoming a froo-froo little puss, and in the long run, she
ain't worth it.
A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental
stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a
freak tree chipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different
city etc.
You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you
enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he
DEALT with you.
A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie.
A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about
getting.
A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't
hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can or
be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.
A Retrosexual gives a lady his seat on the bus/subway/etc.
A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are
riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT.
Plus it's just ****ed fun to shoot.
Crying...........
There are very few reason that a retrosexual may cry, and none of
them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are
sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is
swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a retrosexual can cry
include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet ( fish
do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part.
A retrosexual man's favorite movie isn't "Maid in Manhattan" (unless
that refers to some foxy french maid sitting in a huge tub of brandy or
whiskey), or "Divine secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood". Acceptable ones may
include any of the Dirty Harry or Nameless drifter movies (Clint in his better
days), Rambo I or II, the Dirty Dozen, The Godfather trilogy, Scarface, The
Road Warrior, The Die Hard series, Caddy shack, Rocky I, II, or III, Full
Metal Jacket, any James Bond Movie, Raging Bull, Bullitt, any Bruce Lee
movie, Apocalypse Now, Goodfellas, Reservoir Dogs, or Fight Club.
When a retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and
a pregnant woman, **** , any woman gets on, that retrosexual stands up
and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so
called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you punks" look on his face.
A retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with the
correct emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the words to the Star
Spangled Banner.
A retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do
not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they
offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged in a
serious healthy relationship. I.E. hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting,
car maintenance.
A retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen
utensils.
A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (**** , a blizzard) without
sliding all over or driving under 20mph.
A retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he
wants.
Where ever it lands is where he wanted it to land.
A retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women
but any elderly person or person in military dress (except officers above
2nd LT.)
NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the
retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them
for serving their country.
A retrosexual man doesn't need a contract, a handshake is good
enough.
He will always stand by his word even if circumstances change or the
other person deceived him.
A retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he
does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in
the process doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT.
