puns

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1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. 3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption. 5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 9. Time flies like an arrow.? Fruit flies like a banana. 10. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. 11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, You stay here; I'll go on a head.' 13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. 14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.' 15. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.' 16. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 17. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 18. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 19. A backward poet writes inverse. 20. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
 

ksJoe

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Another, from another forum: 1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. 3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? 5. The main reason that santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. 6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self- help section?" she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 7. What if there were no hypothetical questions? 8. If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? 10. Is there another word for synonym? 11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" 12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? 13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? 14.. Would a fly without wings be called a walk? 15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? 16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? 17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? 18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? 19. Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines? 20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs? 21. What was the best thing before sliced bread? 22. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people. 23. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra? 24. How is it possible to have a civil war? 25. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too? 26. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry? 27. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? 28. Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have 's' in it? 29. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"? 30. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? 31. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? 32. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god? 33. If vegetarians only eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? 34. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? 35. Why, if you send something by boat it's called cargo, but if you send it in a truck, is it called a shipment? 36. If peanut oil is made from peanuts, and olive oil made from olives, what is baby oil made from? 37. Whose cruel idea was it to put three T's in the word 'stutter'?
 
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In reference to Pun #37. In my edition of the CRC Handbook of Chemistry and Physcs (some 30 years old), the table of oils and fats and their sources lists "depot oil". Source: human!
 
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